


Perceptions of Right, Wrong, and What Really Is

by drainbamage954 (cats_cradle6766)



Category: EXO (Band), f(x)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Explicit Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Platonic Soulmates, Romantic Soulmates, Sass, Supernatural Elements, minor infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-21
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2018-07-24 20:52:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 86,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7522738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cats_cradle6766/pseuds/drainbamage954
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jongdae has spent his whole life waiting for this, so it kind of sucks when things aren’t at all what he expects.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Awkward Stage

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for prompt #185 for Chenpionships Round 2 in 2014. Most of the story is based on a Western system regarding traditions and customs. Minor edits have been made to this.

  


๑

  
Ever since he was young, the soft faint line around his wrist intrigued him. It wasn’t that it looked ugly or was painful, but it was just interesting to him, something that all the other little boys and girls his age had but was absent from the wrists of his mother and father.

“Why don’t you have one?” Jongdae had asked his mother one day, holding onto to the ropes of the swing his mother had been gently pushing him on. “Why don’t you or dad have one? Why is it me and Jongdeok? Is it a kid thing?”

His mother had laughed and reminded him that she and his father were meant to be together, that they were perfect for each other. She’d smoothed the hair back from his face, fussing with the little part in the back that sticks up sometimes, and smiled beautifully. “You’ll find yours one day, and then you’ll be just like your dad and I and have a soul mate of your own.”

A childhood spent sneaking into his brother’s room to steal from his stash of candies and hiding in a tent made of blankets, Jongdae would curl up in pillows with books open on his lap. Books about fantasy, about true love and about finding the one who was perfect; his dream. The other boys read other books, and Jongdae read those too, but he always ended up pulling the same books down into his lap, fingers poking at the perfect princesses and knights in shining armor.

“When am I gonna meet them?” Jongdae asked his dad like he did every day, watching the small circlet mark around his left wrist get darker than it had last year. He knew it got darker, because he watched it every day, waiting for it to turn red and for his other half to smile back at him with a matching vibrant red line around their wrist. “Am I going to meet them tomorrow? It’s getting dark, look at how dark it is, I think I’ll be married this year.”

His dad would laugh, ruffle his hair, and tell him to be patient. “You can’t rush these things, Jongdae,” he’d say with a wide smile and eyes that crinkled, just like Jongdae would watch his own do in the mirror. “You’ll find your soul mate soon. Just give them time and be patient”

Jongdae waited, lying in the grass with his friends or alone and wondering into the lulls of silence what his soul mate would be like. Jongdae developed standards after the girls in the schoolyard fell over each other flirting with the other boys, staining their wrists red with ink and giggling. The girls would find something they liked, and may even break the mold, settling for the ‘cool’ boys or forget their worth.

Forget the idea of who it was they were supposed to be with while clouding it with ideas of people ‘cool’ and ‘popular’ at the time.

Jongdae was sure he’d find someone, just around the same time everyone else did, feeling nervous every time he met someone new and checking his wrist anxiously for the flash of vibrant red.

In Middle school his best friend came to class with a dark scarlet line around his wrist and Jongdae watched him smile shyly at the soft-spoken transfer boy in the cafeteria and felt a chip take away at his heart.

In High School, his brother called him and told him how he’d met the most amazing girl in his life and talked for two hours before asking Jongdae how his singing contest had been. Jongdae sat and listened with his teeth worrying his lips raw and feeling another chip fall away.

In University, Jongdae watched all his friends link hands with fading marks of pink around their wrists and happy smiles on their faces, eyes in love and leaving Jongdae behind. Chips at his hardshell heart were replaced with sarcasm and quips as his eyes strayed to the perfect people he’d been so sure of but when he met them, the mark of brown was just as dark and the note of fear trembled just a little stronger of ever finding the one for him.

“Where are you?” Jongdae sometimes asked himself, fingers running along the now dark brown around his wrist as the various images of the handsome boys with warm hands and pretty soft girls who smiled and were the world flashed through his mind. “Where are you?” he’d ask when he stood in a room of people in love and felt alone and cold, resisting the urge to wrap his arms around himself and hold.

It got harder when a shuddering heart jumped for people who were everything and his breathing caught and he thought maybe there was something wrong. It wasn’t just finding the person, but maybe he’d already found them and the mark was mistaken.

After all, how hard could it be to find his soul mate?

“The whole point of dating is to figure out who you’re gonna be with,” Kyungsoo said, leaning back and frowning at the book he’d been grinding through the past hour. “You meet them and find out if they’re good for you.”

“Or you have a soul mate and don’t worry about it,” Baekhyun had added and been, as usual, unhelpful towards Jongdae’s predicament. “Though you could just go out and fuck around if you really wanted.”

“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo shot back in warning as Jongdae sighed, fingers running over the dark brown line around his wrist subconsciously. It had long become a habit for him to let his fingers drag over the skin, waiting for the moment when it wouldn’t be brown and he’d find that shock, the Pull and the reaction that was electric and into his heart.

“He’s the one that’s whining,” Baekhyun shot back with a wave. “I’m offering alternatives to whining about this and instead whining about other things.”

Kyungsoo frowned and Jongdae thought of how many times he’d met people who felt so perfect and it just, according to everything, wasn’t.

“Maybe you’re just defective,” Baekhyun pondered before laughing as Jongdae threw Kyungsoo’s book at him from across the room, earning a loud protesting yell from Kyungsoo as his book earned more damage than it caused.

Maybe…

Time clicked on and the more hearts that were taken, the more Jongdae’s shook in apprehension of where he’d be when there were none left.  


๑

  
A low moan pulls up from the back of his throat, ending in a breathless whine that feels like it’s being pulled from his very core. Spidering over his oversensitive skin in waves of pleasure, Jongdae’s fingers dig and cling for purchase over sweaty skin as he chokes out “more.”

The building feeling that seems to be taking forever, hovering at the shores of pleasure and sensation rocks him to shivers, limbs shaking as his breaths come hard and ragged. The rhythm between them begins to increase, pushing the air a bit from Jongdae’s lungs as he’s fucked into again, the hard cock’s faster pace pressing deeper and directly into where he had been worked open earlier, sending waves of pleasure through him, making him gasp.

Panting, and heady with the burn that’s been hovering in the center of his groin for a while, Jongdae feels a nudge at his chin and turns. His eyes close, drinking in the press of lips to his own and trying to drown in it, trying to let himself slip into the feeling of sex, of being connected in the most intimate way. The angle shifts, pressing deeper, the hands that slide over his skin, holding his hip and the back of his knee pressed back so he’s splayed open, and he moans.

Jongdae moans because it feels good but it’s been teetering at the edge of feeling ‘good’ for about the last ten minutes of fucking and Jongdae is getting tired.

Snaking a hand between them, Jongdae lets his back arch as his fingers wrap around his cock, still hard and slick from spit and precum. Sighing into the mouth still open against his, Jongdae rocks back, hips rolling as his hand moves to match the snap of hips into him.

It helps. Significantly.

“I’m close,” gasps against his mouth and Jongdae just nods, letting out a gasping moan as his hand moves faster, the added stimulation shoving him fast towards climax.

Jongdae is all for sex, for sitting on a cock and searching for that deeper connection that he’s been trying his whole life to find and begun to think that maybe he hasn’t been taking a proactive enough role. It’s just he and Yixing have been fucking for nearly an hour.

Jongdae knows because he checked the clock. Multiple times.

No one should ever feel inclined to check the clock during sex unless they have a valid reason for doing so. Like fucking during work breaks or before the family gets home from shopping.

It’s just not normal.

With the combined pressure of Yixing’s hips snapping into him, angling occasionally to hit his prostate and push that pleasure just a bit higher, Jongdae moves his hand faster. Panting as he nears his climax, mind fogging, he hazily can hear Yixing let out a low groan right before his hips stutter. Yixing’s harsh breaths fan against the heated skin of Jongdae’s neck as he focuses on his hand moving fast over his dick. The coil winds tighter and Jongdae can tell he’s moaning from the soft kisses Yixing is pressing into his collarbone, fingers replacing his cock to knead against his prostate and get him off.

Jongdae cums in a white haze of breath stopping in his throat as his back arches and the flood of release spreads through him fast. Breaths calming and feeling his body relax, heartbeat returning Jongdae blinks open his eyes to the feeling of Yixing’s weight atop him and his lips against his chest.

“Hey,” Yixing says, giving him a lazy smile and blinking slowly. His hair is pushed off his face and his eyes have the fogged afterglow of sex and Jongdae waits for the surge in his chest of emotion.

“Hey,” Jongdae replies, the stick in his mouth from dryness making his tongue heavy. Jongdae waits for that surge in his of affection, of love, of something strong and humming under his skin.

Yixing kisses him and Jongdae’s eyes don’t close as he’s waiting.

Yixing is of all kinds of perfect, with slow sweet kisses he’s thoughtful and funny and courteous and gentle and kind. Yixing is cute and sweet and jokes and is quiet and talented and everything. He’s understanding and hadn’t really said any form of protest when Jongdae had finally asked him out a few months ago, heart shaking in his chest from nerves as he waited for Yixing to ask him ‘why’.

Because Jongdae still had a brown line around his wrist to match Yixing’s.

It was being proactive, because Yixing was so handsome and cute at the same time and Jongdae figured ‘fuck it’ and thought maybe he had to take matters into his own hands to try to find his perfect soul mate.

“Are you alright?” Yixing asks him, just like he always does because he’s so nice and caring after having just fucked Jongdae for a good hour before either of them found relief.

“Fine,” Jongdae tells him and he’s been waiting for the latent soul mate bond to activate, for the line around his wrist to turn red like Yixing’s had a few weeks ago. But it’s still brown, and Jongdae’s still waiting for that surge of affection and after an hour of sex where Jongdae checked the clock five times, he knows when to stop. “You?”

Yixing kisses him, soft and warm full lips with a small bite to finish to Jongdae’s lower lip.

Jongdae really wants a shower.

Yixing showers first, because Yixing is hygienic about his body and offers for Jongdae to shower with him. Shaking his head, Jongdae ends up gathering up his sheets and tossing them into the hamper, the fabric dirtied enough that as tired as Jongdae is, there isn’t a chance in hell he’s sleeping on them.

It’s thinking time, where Jongdae looks at the mark on his wrist and the absent feeling of space in his chest that he knows other people can find without their soul mate and he wanted to find. Except it’s still a space and Yixing was supposed to be perfect.

Yixing’s wrist is completely unmarked when he emerges from the shower and Jongdae looks at it instead of Yixing’s face when he says “I think we should stop.”

“Showering?” Yixing asks, a towel over his shoulders and stark naked in the doorway.

“No,” Jongdae amends, making a sort of vague hand gesture, as if swatting a bug. “Dating.”

“Oh,” says Yixing and stops toweling his hair.

“Oh,” Jongdae mimics and there really isn’t much else to say when Yixing’s hand drops and he stands there, staring and kind of hollow. It’s ripping the bandage off. “Sorry,” he says, because he kind of is, and tries for a smile.  


๑

  
“You broke up with him after fucking him?”

“Well,” Jongdae speaks around a mouthful of fries. “Technically, he was the one fucking me.”

“Oh, excuse me for the lack of clarification,” Kyungsoo says drolly, sitting back from the table and fixing Jongdae with a frown. “You broke up with him after letting him pound into your ass for an hour under the pretext of a fully functional relationship.”

“It’s amazing how you say all of that with a straight face,” Baekhyun says, pointing a fry in Kyungsoo’s direction and earning him no change of expression as Kyungsoo shifts his gaze to him. “Is that how you dirty talk Chanyeol? How does that even work? It’s like a nature documentary, which is the opposite of arousing.”

Kyungsoo begins to glare.

“Is that why you’re so easily pissed off?” Baekhyun continues as Jongdae sighs and puts down the fries, his appetite zapped as Baekhyun begins to ruin yet another conversation. His stomach is twisting anyway, the whole breaking up thing and also still needing a full time job thing and how all his friends are dating thing finally getting to him. “Sexual frustration. I understand it all now.” Baekhyun is now patting Kyungsoo on the back of the hand in what could be mistaken as sympathy if it were anyone but Baekhyun. “I completely sympathize. I wouldn’t want you dirty talking to me in monotone either, poor Chanyeol.”

“I’m going to cut your balls off with dull scissors,” Kyungsoo tells him evenly and Baekhyun flinches his hand back with a nervous too big smile. Then Kyungsoo is looking back at Jongdae. “Why did you break up with him again?”

It’s been about two weeks since Yixing put his pants back on and kissed Jongdae one last time, assuring him with a smile that it was no hard feelings. _We aren’t soul mates anyway, I guess_ had hurt a lot more than Jongdae wants to admit. Not because he thinks Yixing meant it cruelly, but because Jongdae had thought that maybe, this time, they could have been.

He’d managed to avoid Baekhyun for a week, and Baekhyun had been distracted enough with his fiancé that he hadn’t noticed if Jongdae was a little quieter. But then two weeks passed and Chanyeol’s regular daily texts began to jumble and Kyungsoo finally called him and demanded to see him and confirm he was still among the living.

So, now he gets to sit here and feel odd man out among the couples _again_ and try to explain why he broke up with his not-soul mate because his real soul mate apparently isn’t going to show until he’s in his nineties. _If_ he’s lucky.

“It just wasn’t working,” Jongdae says and tries to shrug.

“Excuse me,” Chanyeol says, arriving and slipping into the seat beside Kyungsoo with a raise to his eyebrows. “You broke up with the perfect guy that you talked about because he was clearly the one you were supposed to be with because fuck this whole thing you were going to make your own soul mate and everything was perfect, perfect boyfriend? You broke up with him?”

“After having sex with him,” Kyungsoo adds and Chanyeol frowns a bit.

“Immediately after having sex with him,” Baekhyun adds helpfully and grabs more of Jongdae’s fries, patting the victim of the conversation on the shoulder a bit too hard.

“It wasn’t working out?” Jongdae says and feels like maybe, _maybe_ he shouldn’t have broken up with Yixing when he did but it seemed as good a time as any. Yixing didn’t exactly make a big deal out of it.

So far, no one has really made a big deal out of it, simply stating ‘maybe next time it’ll work out’. Whether it’s a hopeful interaction that turns into a one night stand or Jongdae going out on a limb.

“He was too perfect for our Jongdae,” Baekhyun says sagely, nodding his head and patting Jongdae a bit on the shoulder. He smiles in that sympathetic consoling way that makes Jongdae want to punch him in the mouth. “You know what you need?”

“An attitude adjustment,” Kyungsoo says and Jongdae frowns at him. Kyungsoo makes no expression back, which is almost more frustrating, especially when Chanyeol’s arm is draped over Kyungsoo’s shoulders like it’s given purpose is to be there.

“A job?” Chanyeol suggests instead and Jongdae frowns at him instead. He’s _trying_. He can’t help it that he’s holding out for something better than a shit entry level position because he knows he’s worth more than grunt work. “Because you can’t live off the dregs of side jobs and Kyungsoo’s generosity.”

“Your generosity,” Kyungsoo corrects and Chanyeol smiles a little appeasingly at his boyfriend. “I refuse to let him abuse my humanity any more. You, on the other hand-”

“A man,” Baekhyun declares louder than the others, and hits Jongdae on the back. Hard.

“Ow,” Jongdae says pointedly. “I don’t need abuse, I need advice.”

“I provide both,” Baekhyun tells him with a delighted smile. “But yeah, a job is also important. You should get that so I don't have to hear you whine about how mean the utility bill is every month.”

“I don’t whine,” Jongdae says emphatically.

“You’re whining right now,” Kyungsoo interjects and Jongdae sighs, sitting back in the chair of the small diner they’d cornered him into today. “Eat your fries. They’re all you have now that you’ve dumped your perfect boyfriend.”

“There’s a job fair in a few weeks,” Chanyeol provides, pulling out his phone and searching through the mass of shit he keeps on it. “I think it’s in the center of the city, and should have a lot of opportunities.” He glances up. “I can sign you up if you want.”

Jongdae frowns, the idea of being stuffed into a suit and circling around tables of companies, trying every second to impress everyone not exactly appealing to him. He’d almost rather stick with working in cafes and standing behind bookstore registers if they didn't make him feel so suffocated.

“It’ll be a great place to meet people,” Baekhyun says cheerfully, patting Jongdae again on the shoulder, nodding and smiling.

“Or a job,” Kyungsoo adds.

“Someone nice and decent and boring, just like you,” Baekhyun continues.

“Or a job,” Chanyeol says, giving Jongdae a pointed look.

“I think I might try to find a job on my own,” Jongdae begins, trying to shake off Baekhyun who is now rubbing weird circles into his back and looking thoroughly aware that he’s being annoying. Aware and extremely pleased by it. “You know, drop off some resumes again and try my luck.”

“Great,” Chanyeol says and smiles. “So I’ll sign you up then. Both days?”

“Oh, come on,” Jongdae sighs, throwing down the fry he just picked up. Jongdae is okay with meeting people, he really is, but being shoved in a stuffy room full of business people and explanation booths with too many pamphlets? Jongdae could go without the anxiety attack. “It’ll be like Hell.”

“You’re going,” Kyungsoo says, one eyebrow raising in definition. “In a suit.”

“At least I look great in a suit,” Jongdae concedes, though he still frowns.

“Excellent, so you’ll look great when you meet someone,” Baekhyun says, and finally pulls away from half molesting Jongdae’s back to answer his phone. “First impressions are important. Be yourself, but not embarrassing, so kind of be yourself but without the bad stuff. Or just look nice.” 

“ _And_ you can get a job easier if you look nice,” Chanyeol cuts in and smiles reassuringly as Baekhyun leans away to answer his call. “Just, you know, don’t fuck up.”

“Your faith in me is so reassuring,” Jongdae says and leans away as Baekhyun begins talking loudly over the phone.

“Good luck,” Chanyeol tells him, and gives him a thumbs up with a smile as Kyungsoo smiles at him in a less enthusiastic manner but which is still reassuring.

“You’re not going to let me off on this, are you,” Jongdae says and Chanyeol smiles wider as Kyungsoo’s smile mimics his boyfriends, spreading his mouth into the cute heart shape.

“Nope,” Kyungsoo says and leans back into Chanyeol’s arm. “Not a chance.”  


๑

  
In perhaps the slightly less desirable area of the city, on the fourth floor of an apartment building, the light turns on to a single apartment and flickers into life. With a sigh, Jongdae drops onto the couch in his living room, the shoulder bag from work hitting the floor with a dull thud.

It’s been a long day, and his mouth is dry and sticky with exhaustion, feeling spread too thin. Work was long today, and the extra phone call from his parents on the way home the check up, see how he was doing, asking what he’d been up to lately, had made his stomach twist. Reaching later and later into his twenties, Jongdae knows it’s getting closer to reaching the edge. Most everyone is supposed to find their soul mate by this time, and most everyone he knows has.

It’s general knowledge that by the time people hit thirty, they’ve found or met their soul mate, the person they’re going to be with for the rest of their lives, and Jongdae is twenty seven and pushing forward fast.

Jongdae’s parents had met in college, and it had been easy for them to just move into it and were married by the time his mother was twenty five. His brother had met his fiancé in university as well and all around him, his friends have been pairing off as he watched and waited. There are exceptions in all cases. Yixing had supposedly met his soul mate while he was dating Jongdae, the day when his wrist marked red and then faded, still sticking in Jongdae’s mind, as if the breath that had caught when he’d seen it had never returned.

It’s hard to ignore especially when his best friend, Baekhyun, had met Zitao when he was in middle school and the two have been together since those first shy smiles and held hands. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo had met in the years right after university but it had been like stepping into comfort for them, and Jongdae can’t help but feel a twist in his stomach every time he thinks about it.

Finding a soul mate is something everyone does, something they’re supposed to do, the marks on their wrists indication of it, just the slow count down with a progressively darkening color until they meet the person they’re supposed to be with.

Almost everyone Jongdae knows has a left wrist bare of any mark and someone to call theirs and hold onto, that jerk in their system telling them as much as the sudden red color against their skin.

Letting out a sigh and too tired to even make dinner, Jongdae lies back, sprawled over the couch of his living space (different from the sleeping space on the other side of the room and the cooking space in the corner). Frowning, he raises his wrist and pulls back the sleeve of his shirt, revealing the dark brown line wrapped around his wrist like one of Yixing’s many bracelets, almost black in color and feels a twist in his heart. It’s like every day, it gets darker and darker but never changes.

“It’s perfectly normal,” the doctor had told him when Jongdae had a moment of panic after Yixing’s wrist had flashed red and his hadn’t. “You’re just a late bloomer, nothing to worry about.”

Except he does worry about it, the anxiety making his mind wander between work shifts and making his smile tight when he meets new people, nervous as to if this is it.

Even if it never is.

From his bag, his phone lets out a small muffled quack at him, alerting him to a text message. Rolling over a bit, he digs it out, opening up the flip phone to read.

_Chanyeol: I signed you up! Next Weekend! Two day convention! Make sure to ask your boss to get the time off this time._ ^◡^*

Dropping his phone onto the floor, Jongdae groans and rolls over, snuggling into the couch, the idea of going to a job convention for three days the least appealing thing on his mind right now. Sure, it will probably beat standing behind a cash register of a bookshop and listening to his old boss wheeze about all the war novels that the youth today don’t appreciate, but it doesn’t make the prospect any more appealing.

Though, he supposes as he burrows a bit more into the couch, trying to find a stable job where his boss doesn’t put the wellbeing of his science fiction section over his employees might not be a bad idea.

The smile on Baekhyun’s face drifts into his mind, and he thinks of his best friend suggesting that he might kill two birds with one stone and find someone as well as find a job.

Peeking at the line around his wrist, Jongdae lets himself feel that nervous rush of excitement and the small little voice in his heart whispers _what if?_  


๑

  
The worst thing about situations like this isn’t the suits, the fluorescent lights, or the standing and waiting with anxiety creeping up everyone’s back so torturously it’s like slowly being inserted on a pole. The worst part is all of that on top of the people who try to act like they’re not all stuck in a stress torture chamber for almost ten hours. All of them, standing around in suits that get too hot in the stuffy air of the atriums, smiling like they have a dead animal in their pocket and are trying not to let on it’s there.

The worst part is standing in line with all of these people and contemplating if they consider you a potential friend and buddy to commiserate with or a severe threat among a competition for a decent salary and working conditions. Jongdae can’t decide if he’s more worried about the woman in front of him who keeps mumbling introductions over and over under her breath or about if he printed out enough resumes. Primarily, he just hopes that the organizational unit of the event didn’t mess his name up.

Jongdae already spend one college orientation with _Jungday Kim_ written on a name tag. He doesn’t want a repeat, especially not when he’s trying to find a job and hoping to impress future employers.

His phone vibrates against his leg with a soft duck quacking sound and Jongdae reaches into his pocket, digging it out. The low budget flip piece of shit phone flashes a notification light that he has a new message. Or a few, considering he’s been ignoring it for the past half hour and the woman in front of him jerks to look back every time his phone quacks.

_Kyungsoo: I sincerely hope you didn’t switch back the edits I made before you printed out copies of your resume and cover letters._

Jongdae briefly considers typing back “copies?!?!!?” just to piss Kyungsoo off but instead settles to flip to the other messages, knowing no reply at all will annoy Kyungsoo more. He finds a message from Chanyeol, which is essentially ‘Good Luck’ and an enthusiastic assortment of emoticons, and a few messages from Baekhyun telling him to ‘get a job! or a man! Go big or go home(less)’.

_your support is touching_ , Jongdae types back to Baekhyun, pressing send and then stuffing his phone into his pocket, fingers tightening around the handle of his slightly beat up briefcase. Well, his dad’s briefcase, considering Jongdae can’t afford shiny new things.

Which is why he’s here to get a job. Jobs are important, just like bathing and singing the national anthem at sports events.

His phone quacks with another reply and this time the woman in front of him turns around, looking directly at him instead of glancing over her shoulder. Jongdae settles for smiling as nicely as he can, hoping to avoid too much assessment as a potential target, or worse, threat. “Is that your phone?”

“Yeah,” Jongdae answers casually, straightening his shoulders and trying to look ‘friendly’.

“Is it quacking?” the woman asks, one eyebrow arching up slightly as the man behind Jongdae begins murmuring to the woman beside him something about name tags and pins.

“Yeah,” Jongdae says, feeling self conscious about his phone alarm for the first time in his life. His phone has quacked since he was in High School and Baekhyun and he had switched ringtones daily for a week before settling on ‘quack’ and ‘neigh’. Jongdae smiles more. “It’s a duck.”

“Why is your phone a duck?” the woman asks and the eyebrow goes higher, though there isn’t hostility in her voice. Jongdae will take that as a plus.

“You mean all phones aren’t ducks?” Jongdae replies without thinking and the woman stills, full on staring at him.

If Jongdae had expected a reply, he doesn’t get one, the woman turning around and ignoring him with a straightened back that says ‘do not communicate with’ in volumes.

When Jongdae finally gets to the front of the line, his collar feeling a little tight, he gets handed his nametag on a lanyard and a big canvas bag with giant comic sans font writing. The woman in front of him grabs her bag and nametag as fast as she can and walks swiftly and determinately into the atrium ahead of him, leaving Jongdae to look down at the nametag in his hands reading _JONG DAE KIM_ and feeling a nervous laugh bubble somewhere above his pancreas.

This is clearly the start of a good day for him, sarcasm and all.  


๑

  
After wandering around to the various company show booths, all with mild degrees of competent decoration, Jongdae finally sits himself down into an interview chair opposite a pretty well dressed woman and another young man feeling nervous but hopeful.

“Good morning,” the woman says, and sounds nice and cheerful to both him and his companion. “I hope you two young gentlemen are doing well today.”

“Fine,” Jongdae says and smiles. Smiling is important.

“I’m lovely, though not as lovely as yourself,” says the other man and gives a confident but pleasant laugh at the responding smile the woman gives him. “How are you doing?”

Jongdae tries not to look at the other man. So far, he’s managed to appear smarmier than Baekhyun, which Jongdae didn’t think was possible. Yet here he sits corrected.

“Okay,” the woman says, looking between the two of them. “First question.” Jongdae takes in a deep breath, the nervous flutter starting in his chest. “Why do you think you’re the best person for this job and what do you think you can offer this company?”

Jongdae sits, his mind zapping blank as the woman stares at him patiently. “Well,” he says, sitting up a little more and wetting his lips. “I’m a very positive and hard working person.” Jongdae knows he had more to offer when he looked over potential answers the previous night.

“I see,” says the woman and writes something down. Jongdae tries to smile, tries to remember how to run a proper interview when his nerves begin to jump up and down under his skin and the guy beside him begins to smile like a creepy man in a bar. “What was your biggest accomplishment and failure at your previous job?”

Jongdae thinks of the time a bookshelf fell on him as he tried to deflect a wasp two weeks ago and then thinks to when he managed to get a cat unstuck from between two sheets of greenhouse plastic in a home and gardens center two years previous. How to work either of those stories to his advantage though has Jongdae drawing a blank.

The woman writes something down.

Interviews are the worst.

Walking out of the small tent area where the interviews are held and feeling lead sinking into his lungs, Jongdae lets out a long suffering breath right before it’s half knocked out of him as a hand slams against his back. Coughing and turning around, he sees the other man, who had swooped in with outstanding answers and qualifications for the job, grinning at him. “Nothing to feel bad about,” the man says and _winks_ at him. “All interviews are meant to be scary, especially for first timers.”

“I’ve done interviews before,” Jongdae says. It’s 9:24 and he’s already exhausted.

“Wait, really?” the man says, and then has the courtesy to laugh in Jongdae’s face. “Could have fooled me.”

Jongdae takes it back, _this_ is the start of the shittiest day of his life.  


๑

  
As it turns out, interviewing at companies all day isn’t what Jongdae thought it would be.

It’s worse.

There comes to be a point when walking around the various information booths and scanning down the requirements and opportunities for working at these large corporations where the overall feeling of soul crushing despondency consumes his typically optimistic attitude.

_How’s it going?_ Kyungsoo texts him after interview number sevenfuckingteen and Jongdae doesn’t even know what he qualifies for anymore aside from ‘perpetually confused.’

_Murder me and make it look legal_ Jongdae texts back and then pockets his phone, closing his eyes and sighing once before squaring his shoulders, trying to prepare himself for the next round of potentially awkward questions.

So far, Jongdae has met a large assortment of people as he slowly navigates his way around the atrium and siphons off the resumes and cover letters he’d printed out to various companies in hopes that they might hire him for something decent. People who take themselves far too seriously, people who look more terrified than him, one girl who spoke no languages Jongdae recognized from Earth, and a very wide variety of assholes in all shapes and dispositions.

Some of them were cocky, some of them were tall and cocky, some of them wore glasses and were educated and annoying, and there were a few entitled sexists as well, just to add a bit more variety from the typical brand of ‘douche ho’. To top it off, all of them apparently felt the need to socially attempt to engage him and Jongdae has had enough assholes to last him the rest of his life, possibly even longer.

If Jongdae had a dollar for every asshole he’d met today, he’d be able to pay his apartment bill but still be just as pissed off.

A tap at his shoulder has him turning around, wishing that the giant clocks on the main walls were moving faster and he could give himself the excuse to take lunch now. He could possibly get severely ill so he can leave. Or he could choke, that might work.

“Hi?” Jongdae says, blinking at the pretty young woman in the gray blazer behind him.

She smiles, tilting her head to the side as her nicely styled hair bounces just above her shoulders. “Hi, are you waiting in line for the interview?”

Someone nice. Thank the stars.

“I am,” Jongdae says, smiling as he turns and feels a small glimmer of relief at the friendly smile. “Are you going in as well?”

“And praying for the best,” she says with a little laugh. Her smile is cute. “Who knows, maybe we’ll be lucky and get to be co-workers in the future.”

“Who knows,” Jongdae says and laughs back. It’s nice, in the atmosphere of all the tension, to find someone who isn’t comparing themselves with him and telling him about how overqualified they are for all these jobs. “What are you interviewing for?”

“Entry level,” she says and tucks a stray hair behind her ear. “What are you interviewing for?”

Anything. Jongdae knows he’s supposed to choose a field and interview for it but after reading through the list of jobs needed at DF Electric Jongdae is pretty sure they just need someone who is sober and breathing. “Probably the financial division.” The young woman laughs, and doesn’t try to hide it at all, making Jongdae laugh as well, though not exactly in humor. “What?”

“Nothing, I just thought you’d be going into something where they saw your face,” she says. She makes a vague motion at her mouth. “You know, because you have a smiling mouth. The edges go up like a kitty.” Jongdae hasn’t really thought much about it before and she starts laughing again. “What happens when you try to frown? Do you smile then too?” Jongdae isn’t smiling any more. “I bet people get confused when you frown at them and they think you’re smiling. I’ll bet that’d be so awkward.”

“I should just go into customer service then I guess,” Jongdae says. Never mind, he doesn’t like talking to people at all anymore. “I’d probably be great there.”

“At least no one could tell if you were pissed,” the woman says and then promptly bursts out laughing. Jongdae frowns and she still laughs and goes “oh my god, you’re trying to frown right now!” and at least five people turn to look at them.

As luck would have it, right then the representatives of DF Electric choose that moment to look to them for their interview.

“Hi,” Jongdae says to the woman who looks amused but surprised and the man who appears to have a lemon stuck in his teeth from the look on his face. “I hope you’re having a lovely day.”

“She certainly looks like she is,” the woman from DF Electric says with a nod to the young woman still laughing at Jongdae every time she looks at him.

“Yes,” Jongdae says, giving up. “Apparently my face is funny.”

“Must be the receding hair line,” the man from DF Electric says right before looking down at his clipboard of paper as if he hasn’t just said something potentially very rude.

The young woman in the gray jacket lets out a new peal of laughter behind him and gasps out “Oh my god, he _does_ have one!”

_Remember that time Tao accidentally punched me in the face and off a ledge into a lake?_

_That was hysterical_ Baekhyun texts back as Jongdae walks away from DF Electric with the confidence of a squashed ant. _why?_

_This is worse_. Jongdae texts back and gets a _cheer up, kitten lips_ in return.  


๑

  
By the time lunch time finally hits, Jongdae has figured he may as well just settle for bookshops and small restaurant side jobs and getting cats unstuck from greenhouse plastic if it means he never has to deal with this. It’s been possibly the worst day of interviews he’s ever had.

Interviews themselves are always horrible, designed to terrify and make the subject feel a lesser person, and after a whole morning after them, even the sympathetic smile of the woman behind the temporary deli hadn’t lightened Jongdae’s mood much. The sandwich he’s halfway through eating does little to really boost him either, mostly dry and bland, like the rest of his life.

_this was a terrible idea_ Jongdae texts Baekhyun, knowing at least Baekhyun will try to distract him whereas Kyungsoo will probably try to be practical and remind him that ‘he has to face the world some time.’

_Honestly, you don’t have to have a big fancy ‘real person’ job_ quacks back on his phone right before another message pops up on the screen. _you don’t have to get a grown up job like Chanyeol and Kyungsoo. Do what you want to do._

Jongdae has no idea what he really wants to do. He has a lot of ideas, but so do seven year olds. The bad part is Jongdae sometimes feels like seven year old have better ideas than he does. For example, this job convention thing was a terrible idea for him. No seven year old would ever subject themselves to this.

_Have you met anyone exciting?_

_Interesting? yes. Decent representations of the human race? No._ Jongdae sighs as his mind flashes over all the people from the morning. The woman he met at first. The guy in the first interview. The perpetually surprised man Jongdae almost gave a chance before he started preaching gospel and his friend smacked him in the neck with his phone. And, of course, the laughing girl and the hot interviewer who pointed out the fact that his hairline may be a bit higher than others (but never receding).

_So no one up to Jongdae standards then. Meaning ‘perfect but also impractical as fuck._ Baekhyun texts back.

_I refuse to sod!? >jhbkrwaiofnd0-708lkv@%*0eq)_

That text never sends to Baekhyun, mostly because just as Jongdae is typing it, a sudden waterfall of extremely hot brown liquid with the clear intention to scald his lap descends upon him. With a yelp that is more of a shriek (he will deny later), Jongdae rockets out of his chair as the scalding liquid finds it’s intended target of his crotch and is upsettingly painful.

“Holy Shit!” Jongdae half yells, dropping his phone as a jolt shocks through him and he tries frantically to brush the coffee from himself. “What the fuck!”

“Oh damn!” pipes up a voice directly behind him and Jongdae snaps to the new voice, ready to administer a tongue lashing but a little distracted by the still burning liquid seeping against his thighs. “Wow, my bad, man,” says the man just behind him holding a now empty Styrofoam cup and not looking nearly apologetic enough for Jongdae’s liking. “You okay?”

The man winces as he looks Jongdae up and down, half of his face scrunching up as Jongdae scrambles out of his seat, trying to get away from the coffee that is now also pooling in the seat of the chair. “No,” Jongdae snaps, sparing a brief glare at the man before looking back down at his ruined pair of pants. “No, I am not okay.”

His skin is burning, hot embarrassment rushing through him and he can feel his heart racing from the shock of being poured coffee on. Great, just great.

“Here,” says the other man as Jongdae grabs the semi-used napkins that had come with his sandwich. Their hands brush as the other guy reaches for the napkin dispenser on the table and Jongdae flinches back, the touch smarting and unexpected. “Let me help you out. It was my coffee after all, so-“

“Do you make it a habit of pouring coffee on all the people you meet?” Jongdae grumbles, glancing up only once to frown very pointedly at the other man before he tries to mop himself up. His pants are black, which is good, but Jongdae also looks like he questionably wet himself, which is decidedly not good. His skin is still buzzing at the horrible feeling of wet fabric and still stinging coffee burns.

The other man lets out a laugh, shaking auburn bangs from his face as he crouches down, pressing a napkin to Jongdae’s thigh and looking up at him with a weird sort of smile to his lips that is pretty in a way and has Jongdae’s mind stuttering. And then the man looks back at his pants and his hand with the napkin presses right into the inner portion of Jongdae’s groin and that’s far more intimate than Jongdae is ever prepared for after someone’s just poured coffee on him.

His brain whirs, clicks and Jongdae steps back as fast as he can. It’s kind of like being burned again, but more along the lines of Jongdae wanting to get away from the man who’s just been patting his dick. In public. With a creepy as fuck smile. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Jongdae demands, temper rising.

To be honest, there was very little between Jongdae and his temper so giving into it now seems as good a time as any.

“Well, I was helping you dry your pants, but now I’m just squatting here awkwardly,” the man says and shrugs at him. The _nerve_. “How about that?”

The gears in Jongdae’s brain work faster. “You did that on purpose,” he says and feels his temper boil over at the man half crouched in front of him.

“What?”

“You’re one of those coffee perverts,” Jongdae snaps, now legitimately angry. He’s heard about these guys before, who go around and spill drinks on unsuspecting people to give the illusion of helping them as they feel them up. Horrible disgusting freaks. “You were trying to feel me up!”

“For the record,” the guy says. “I cared a lot about that cup of coffee.” His face does something that Jongdae is too affronted to process right now. With everything else today, he also now has a coffee pervert to deal with. And stained pants which will now, probably, chafe. “I had no intention to spill it on you.” Jongdae can smell the bullshit coming off him like a sharp tang at the tip of his tongue as his face heats in anger.

The sounds of the atrium are all still loud. There are people still staring at them, some of them turning to whisper together, probably about them. Jongdae has coffee on his pants, looking like he’s wet himself, and has just been felt up by a pervert.

The pervert sighs, and shakes his bangs from his face again. He has a nice face in all honestly. It’s a shame it has to be wasted on a pervert.

“Look, I’m sorry for sacrificing my coffee to your lap,” the pervert says and Jongdae bristles as his nerves sizzle hot under his skin. “In all honesty your lap should be honored, I was really looking forward to that coffee.” He sighs and Jongdae can’t tell if he wants to yell incoherent swears or punch him. “You know, seeing as my coffee is now given to the benefit of your pants, you could buy me a new one.”

Jongdae doesn’t know the coffee pervert. Though, he considers he is definitely validated for punching him in the face.  


๑

  
_I fucking hate everything._

_Kyungsoo: is this the normal hating of everything or should I actually be concerned?_

Jongdae sighs and buries his hand into his hair, tugging at it in frustration and upset, biting down on his lip as his knuckles still smart. He feels exhausted, like he’s just run a marathon, and his pants are still damp and smell of strong coffee. _tell your boyfriend I hate him. A lot._

_Kyungsoo: bad day?_

Jongdae is pretty sure what he wants to say won’t fit in a text, but the prospect of calling Kyungsoo comes with the threat of accidentally choking up. _I give up._ he types back instead. _I’m going on welfare and adopting a cat._

Kyungsoo’s number flashes on the screen, calling him, and Jongdae sighs before closing his phone, putting his head in his hands and squeezing his eyes shut. It’s not been a good day, and the last thing he needs is to get verbally upset over the phone because of a coffee pervert and a swarm of assholes outside.  


๑

  
The first thing Jongdae wants to do when he gets home is lie down on the floor and never get up again. The actual first thing he does is shuck the coffee stained pants and the rest of his clothing to get a proper shower.

He’d managed to last through another few hours of the convention after his pants had dried to the point it didn’t look like he’d wet himself. He’d done a few more interviews which hadn’t gone as terribly as the morning had, which was fortunate. He glimpsed the coffee pervert a few times, but made sure to keep himself hidden, the tremor in his chest of residual anger driving him to _avoid_ at all costs.

All in all, a basic summary of the day would be ‘terrible’. Horribly, upsettingly, terrible as a whole experience.

Jongdae still has tomorrow to look forward to, but doubts he’ll get any calls tonight from prospective companies wanting to hire him for anything. He may as well not go.

Scratching a hand through his hair, he lumbers into the bathroom, tired and aching and very much wanting to wash away everything until he can’t remember the day. He barely glances at his reflection in the mirror, taking in the mussed up styling he’d spent too much time on this morning, to the tired lines under his eyes and the red line around his wrist-

Jongdae stops.

Jongdae stares.

Jongdae ceases breathing.

“Fuck,” Jongdae spits out as he drops his hand from his hair and grabs his wrist.

There, bold and bright against his skin, is the same line that he’s always had around his wrist standing in vibrant deep scarlet, practically a beacon. Heart hammering in his chest and something that feels like a zoo trying to get out of his stomach, Jongdae stares at the line that has finally, after all his waiting, turned red.

Meaning today is the day he met his soul mate.

“Oh fuck,” whimpers out of his mouth as his hands begin to shake, all of the faces and people he met today flashing through his mind from the job convention. “Are you kidding me?” he asks his wrist. His wrist sadly offers no answer to him, the red line just there and reminding Jongdae just in case he forgot what today is. “Now?”

Today was horrible. Today Jongdae had been too distracted getting ready with a long sleeve shirt and a proper blazer to interview all day to glance at his wrist this morning. Today Jongdae had stood in a stuffy atrium all day not once thinking to check and see if the mark around his wrist had changed. He had enough on his mind with interview questions and resume copies.

It’s been so long Jongdae is just used to the mark being the same, always the same, and always waiting.

Yet apparently today, when Jongdae hadn’t even been paying attention, he’d met his soul mate. Of all days for this to happen.

The breathing in his chest hastens to a near frantic rhythm as the reality of the situation sets in.

Jongdae met his soul mate, the person he’s been searching for almost his whole life and waiting to meet, and he has no idea who it is.

As if a nerve snaps, Jongdae is stumbling from the bathroom, nearly tripping over the door jam as he hurtles towards the couch and his briefcase, digging for his phone.

“Baekhyun!” Jongdae manages to sound frighteningly like a wheezing cat.

“Jongdae!” Baekhyun answers. “Can this wait? I’m a little busy. Tao is here and-“

“I met him,” Jongdae cuts him off. Jongdae doesn’t give a fuck if Tao and Baekhyun are in the middle of fucking, this is _important_. “Or her. Whatever! I met the person!”

“You met who?” The confusion is unacceptable.

“I met my soul mate,” Jongdae says quickly, the brief rush of that admission making him giddy before the crushing drop of not knowing who it is drags him back into the pits of panic. “Oh fuck.”

“Really?” Baekhyun sounds too optimistic and delighted for Jongdae’s current upset state. “Congratulations on your life. What’s he like?”

“I-“ That panicked knot clenches until Jongdae feels like curling up into himself. He has no idea. He’s met his soul mate and he doesn’t know who it is. His mind flashes over the people from today, the stress on everyone’s faces and stretching over shoulders and all the dick bags of people he encountered. He lets out a soft whine. “I don’t know.”

There is a silence that Jongdae really doesn't need right now because it sounds like judging disbelief. “You don’t know?”

“I don’t know!” Jongdae repeats with a snap and a yell. “I don't know, Baekhyun. I met my goddamn soul mate and I have no idea who it is. Why did we all have to wear suits?”

“Oh,” Baekhyun says as Jongdae gives up and just lets his shaking breathing take over, pressing the heel of his hand into his closed eyes and collapsing onto the couch. It isn’t until his bare ass hits the cushions he remembers he’d been about to take a shower. “Well, that’s kind of frustrating.”

“Why today?” Jongdae squeezes his eyes shut. No one, _no one_ he met today was even remotely anything like the kind of person he could ever imagine being soul mates with.

Yixing was someone who was like a soul mate.

Li Yin was like a soul mate for him.

Joonmyun, before he got married, was who he’d seen as a soul mate.

Not the woman who snubbed his quacking phone and the jerk at the first interview or the girl who laughed at his smile and the man commenting on his hairline. He thinks of the coffee pervert and lets out a dry sob.

“Why did it have to be today of all days?” It’s like a horrible twist of fate, where Jongdae is the protagonist in a terrible satire and has no idea how to get off stage. “What do I do?”

“You’re asking me for advice?” asks Baekhyun, the surprise so stark in his voice it has Jongdae opening his eyes. Jongdae is currently naked on a couch and attempting to have a coherent conversation while his internal dialogue is primarily a stream of profanity. He pulls his hand from his face, staring at the thin line that for his whole life had been deepening shades of brown.

The red is so vibrant and strong it’s almost like it pulses with the beats of Jongdae’s frantically beating heart, heavy in his chest.

“Yes,” Jongdae says, and swallows with difficulty. Everything sticks. “I am.”

Baekhyun sighs over the line, it coming across as crackly and static. “You really are something, Jongdae.”

“Not helpful,” Jongdae grumbles at him, eyes tracing the line of the mark. Over twenty seven years of waiting and this is the climax. “What kind of best friend are you?”

“A best friend who denies a blow job to listen to you be upset,” Baekhyun replies easily. “Look at it this way, if you met them at the convention today, you can probably meet them again if you go tomorrow.”

Jongdae thinks about today, about all the ‘lovely’ people he met and lets out a long rising whine as he flops onto the couch.  


๑

  
It’s fifteen minutes to nine in the morning and Jongdae is standing in line again, wearing a different shirt and a different pair of pants, but feeling no less nervous. It’s fifteen minutes to nine in the morning on a Sunday and Jongdae only has a few copies of his resume. His phone is in his pocket fully charged, and the nervous buzzing under his skin is completely unrelated to name tags and job interviews and has everything to do with the now clearly visible red line circling his wrist.

His phone beeps and Jongdae reads a message from Kyungsoo saying _Good luck and remember, breathing is important_.

The previous evening had seen no calls from companies interested in asking him back for an interview, instead silent repetitions of the people Jongdae had met at the convention, trying to hold onto the fleeting images of faces. The previous evening had been an hour and a half conversation with Kyungsoo after a very long shower and Jongdae trying to figure out a game plan.

Today is Jongdae not looking for a job at all as he stands in line praying that the people he met yesterday are all here again.

If Jongdae is optimistic, he met about twenty people yesterday. If Jongdae is pessimistic as he stands with a slightly jumping heart in his chest, he met over one hundred and his soul mate may not even be here today. At ten minutes to nine in the morning, Jongdae’s fingers cross in his pockets as he hopes that his soul mate is here and maybe even looking for him as well.

The girl from the previous morning isn’t standing in front of Jongdae in line, nor is she anywhere around him when looks for her, and none of the faces around him are the faces of people he remembers from yesterday. Jongdae gets his nametag from the from admissions and slips the lanyard around his neck, letting out a short breath and placing a hand over his chest, trying to keep his fluttering heart steady.

He looks down at his wrist, bared plain and easy to see today, and takes another breath, trying to let the air ground him. He has to find him today. Or her.

Jongdae doesn’t know, he just knows he has to find his soul mate.

With that thought, he steps through the doors into the Atrium again with only a few resumes in his bag and praying silently to find a wrist to match his own and the spark of a touch.  


๑

  
Jongdae finds the woman who stood beside him in line the day before and frowned at his quacking phone. She has no line around her wrist, instead a ring on her finger and a frown on her face. “I’m getting married next month,” she says flatly and Jongdae offers her a weak congratulations before she stalks off.

Jongdae finds the man he first interviewed with, just as greasy of a smile and a playful edge to his eye. His wrist is bare, the mark vanished, but apparently he’s open. “We’re not serious,” he tells Jongdae. “Open relationship, see? 

Jongdae finds some of the boring assholes who insulted and were condescending to him while he sat nervously for interviews. Only one of them has a mark, and it’s still brown, and he’s still in University. “Fuck,” says Jongdae when the young man sees his mark and starts laughing.

“You found her and lost her?” the young fuck wheezes at him, his suit looking obnoxiously good on his tall figure.

Jongdae considers throwing back a remark, but the presence of the other men and women around the young shit having him turning away, pushing down the crawling feeling in his throat.

The clock on the wall ticks closer to noon and Jongdae’s time slips through his fingers as his heart seems to shake in his chest. The mark around his wrist isn’t as red and he begins to randomly say various select profanity under his breath as he looks for familiar faces and sees none.

“Wow, language,” says a voice behind him and Jongdae turns sharply, the motion sending a spike of pain up his neck and he winces. “See? That’s what you get for swearing.”

“You!” Jongdae unfortunately doesn’t know the young woman’s name. But he remembers her face, the cute pretty face which had smiled so nicely right before laughing at his smile-inclined mouth and then hairline. She smiles now, her hair pulled back from her face and in a white blouse, replacing the blazer.

“Me,” she says and laughs. “Hi. Are you here for a second day of interviews? I hardly doubly they’d appreciate such colorful language, even from forever smiles.”

“Well,” Jongdae begins, and his eyes stray to where she’s holding her shoulder tote bag , wrist bared at her shoulder. “I didn’t get any interviews,” Jongdae finishes, his tone drooping as his brief rush of suspense dwindles rapidly upon seeing no mark around her wrist. Just a simple silver bracelet.

Now he’s seen the laughing insulting girl, he’s seen just about everyone he met the first part of his day. And they’ve all been absent of a matching mark around their wrists, leaving him shaky inside and anxious.

It’s one thing to be anxious about job interviews. Being anxious about losing his soul mate is an entirely different kind of anxiety, because the other one he could manage, and this one Jongdae feels like he’s going to fall apart.

“Nice bracelet,” Jongdae says, waving to it vaguely and stepping back.

The girl’s eyes widen before she catches on and she looks down and lets out a small lilting laugh. “Oh! This,” she says, shaking her wrist. “I got it from my boyfriend.”

“Pretty.” Jongdae is talking to a college grad girl who has already found her soul mate and Jongdae apparently found his but didn’t know. Jongdae has today to find them, and so far has had no luck whatsoever.

“You okay?” the girl asks, but Jongdae is walking away, that clenching around his chest getting worse as he digs his phone out of his pocket. The clock on the wall reads past noon now but the last thing Jongdae wants to do is put something in a stomach that is writhing horribly.

“Damage report,” answers over the phone in Kyungsoo’s easy tone as Jongdae walks away from the food area. “I haven’t heard from you all day after that text and you haven’t yelled excitedly yet.”

“I can’t find him. Her. The person.” Jongdae’s steps are faster, his breathing hastening as well as he brushes past the people by the company booths and feels panic begin to curl in his stomach intensely. “I can’t find my soul mate, they’re not here, I’m never going to find them.”

“Okay, breathe,” Kyungsoo tells him, words slow.

“I can’t, I’m having a panic attack about being single forever and dying unfulfilled and alone,” Jongdae snaps through the phone, nearly bumping into people as he makes for the bathrooms as fast as he can. Jongdae has never really thought about what would happen if he got to his soul mate day and then _didn’t_ know who it was, if he missed them, like now.

The whole thing being ripped out from under him is overwhelming. He’s had so much stuff he’s let just slip by, undecided and waiting for this moment, just in case, and now he’s fucked up the one day he _never_ wanted to go wrong.

“Don’t have a panic attack, you’ll hurt yourself,” Kyungsoo tells him, though there is a definite note of worry in his voice now. “Where are you right now?”

“Walking,” Jongdae says and ducks past another person. “Walking to the bathroom.”

“Okay,” Kyungsoo says and Jongdae turns to see no line for the men’s restrooms. “Just get there and sit down and keep talking. And breathing.”

“Your demands are too high,” Jongdae says as he steps into the restroom and ducks into the nearest stall. The writhing in his stomach peaks, and he chokes, putting out a hand to brace himself on the wall. He feels like he’s going to be sick. “Kyungsoo, what if I can’t find him? Her? Him?”

“You’ll find him,” Kyungsoo says. “Just take a moment, close your eyes and trying to focus on breathing.”

His stomach turns, skin feeling hot and the shake in his heart is getting worse, but Jongdae closes his eyes. He tries to breathe in, a deep breath to fill his lungs and concentrate on it, block out the panic and the building anxiety.

“Good,” Kyungsoo says over the line and Jongdae breathes out. “Feel better?”

“No,” Jongdae bites back and squeezes his eyes shut as his throat clenches horribly. He feels tight and shaky and cold and hot all at once, as if he’s just shuffled a very long distance on a shag carpet and has enough static charge to power a computer. “God, I feel like I’m gonna fall apart.”

“Did you see all the people you properly met yesterday?” Kyungsoo asks, and then adds “keep breathing.”

Jongdae’s mind whirs, going over all the people that he’d come away with the faces in his head of, the people who he remembers meeting. He’s seen almost all of them, aside from the interviewer who told him his hair was receding and his female companion. There was the woman at the food court.

And the coffee pervert.

Jongdae groans, his stomach turning again as he thinks over the incident yesterday and the horrible experience before he thinks of the last few people he met, who were vague, but better. Though, Jongdae considers, anyone would seem better after a coffee pervert.

“Who’s left?” Kyungsoo asks. “And I don’t hear deep yoga breathing.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t do yoga,” Jongdae grumbles and leans his head against the stall, resting his weight against the cool metal and keeping his eyes closed. Breathing feels like a task in and of itself, his skin still tingling and feeling too hot even if he didn’t wear the full suit today. “Only a few.”

“Okay,” Kyungsoo says slowly. “So you only have a few more to look for.”

“But what if they’re not there?” Jongdae’s stomach turns, hard and making him wince, the rise at the back of his throat nearly making him gag. He’s never been this anxious before, and this is a whole new level of Hell. This makes yesterday look like a walk in the park. “What if they’re not there and I go out there and can’t find them? What if I never end up actually meeting my soul mate? I blew it and they’re gone and I’m never going to find them, and we’ll never know we’re supposed to be together and I’ve fucked it all up?”

“Okay, okay, stop,” Kyungsoo says and Jongdae realizes he’s been almost shouting, his voice hurting and breaths harsh. “First of all, they may also be looking for you. You’re not the only one who discovered they missed their soul mate yesterday, so remember that. Also, even if you don’t find them today, then remember that there _are_ people who end up with someone who isn’t their soul mate and are happy and can fall in love and-“

“But I don’t want that,” Jongdae cuts Kyungsoo off, the tightening in his chest making his voice crack. “I’ve been waiting my whole life to find my soul mate because they’re _mine_ and I’m _supposed_ to be with them and they’re _my_ match and balance and perfect for me. It doesn’t work like that.”

There is silence on the other and Jongdae almost thinks he’s accidentally hung up, his panting breaths meeting unbroken silence. He pulls his phone from his ear to check and sees the call still connected and then feels his breathing stop. “Kyungsoo?”

“Then you will find them,” Kyungsoo’s voice floats back to him, slightly distant as if Kyungsoo is far away from the phone. “Jongdae, if you feel this strongly, then you _will_ find them. So get off the phone with me and stop wasting your time and his or her time.”

“But-“ Jongdae begins, not feeling confident at all. He’s pretty sure he’s sweating, probably looks a bit of a mess, his stomach is in such knots and he still feels so shaken that he doesn’t exactly trust his legs. “Kyungsoo-“

“Good luck!” Kyungsoo half yells over the phone and, to Jongdae’s horror, hangs up. The phone stares at him as he gapes at it, the device making a soft dial tone back at him as his heart thumps in his chest erratically.

Swallowing and trying to force down the stone of panic in his throat, Jongdae closes his eyes, squeezing them shut and trying to control the writhing in his stomach. He flips his phone shut, ending the dial tone, and breathes in as best he can through his nose.

Opening his eyes, Jongdae looks at the red line still around his wrist, and lets out the breath in a shudder.

If he met his soul mate yesterday, then it goes both ways.

“Looking for me,” Jongdae mimics, thinking back to what Kyungsoo said. With fumbling fingers, Jongdae opens the stall door, shaking himself slightly and stepping out with surety to go and fi-

“Ow!” yells a voice as Jongdae walks _directly_ into someone and smacks his head into theirs, jerking his whole system.

It’s like being hit with an electric shock, the sudden jolt through him making the hair rise on his skin as his stomach falls out of this dimension. Losing his balance, Jongdae ends up grabbing onto the other, his head spinning as his eyes go out of focus and the touch of his fingers to skin feels hot, red hot and he gasps. “Shit,” falls out of his mouth as he gets plunged into vague vertigo and his heart pounds hard in his chest.

Jongdae has heard of this, and suddenly, as hands wrap around his arms to steady him with a loud intake of air from the person he’s grappling with, he realizes what this is.

The Pull.

“It’s you,” Jongdae chokes out, trying to shake the fog from his head as he looks at the man who he’s just collided with and is half holding him up. “It’s you!”

The man blinks, his face clearing of the haze and showing wide bright surprised eyes, a pretty pink mouth, and a slight smaller nose, light blond hair and-

Jongdae’s stomach falls back out of the fourth dimension back into this and plummets his brief moment of happiness into despair. “Fuck!”

Skin almost burning and still feeling jittery, Jongdae’s legs wobble as he clings onto the coffee pervert who is looking at him in shock. “Oh!” he says and his grip tightens on Jongdae’s arms, holding him steady. “It’s you again.” He blinks and Jongdae’s whole world begins to fall down around him.

This can’t be happening. Anything but this.

“No,” whimpers from Jongdae’s lips as he lets his knees give out. Of _all_ people to feel the Pull for, it’s the worst person Jongdae can think of.

The coffee pervert’s hands keep him up though, holding him steady as the asshole goes “whoa there, Right Hook, you okay?”

“No,” Jongdae moans and opens his eyes to look at the coffee pervert. “No, I am not okay.” He looks down, at his right arm where the coffee pervert is holding onto his bicep with his left hand and, sure enough, Jongdae can see a bright red line wrapped around the other man’s wrist. “I’m the worst I’ve ever been,” he declares as another pulse of feeling surges through him and he can _feel_ how close the coffee pervert is to him. Hyper-sensitivity, awareness, nausea and vague bodily distress all symptoms of the Pull.

“Are you sick?” the pervert asks. “Do I need to let go? Don’t throw up on me. We’re not that close. And you already punched me.”

“Why does it have to be you?” Jongdae spits, the surge of the Pull once more hitting him and he _refuses_ because this is _wrong_. Jongdae has just spent the whole morning looking for his soul mate, the person he’s supposed to be with, for the rest of his life. The one for him.

His soul mate _can’t_ be the asshole who poured coffee on him yesterday to feel him up because he’s a goddamn _pervert_.

He _can’t_ be.

“Why does. . .” The other trails off, stilling slightly and then he breathes in sharply. Jongdae waits for the laughter, for the touch to tighten, for the hands to vanish. They don’t. “So,” says that damn voice, light and casual. “Looks like we’re supposed to be a thing.”

Jongdae has never heard anyone refer to soul mates so lightly in his life. He opens his eyes to glare and is met with a poorly placed smile and teasing amusement.

This _can’t_ be happening.

“Soul mates,” Jongdae snarls between grit teeth, suddenly hating the word. It feels like a curse now. Jongdae has spent years thinking of the person who would be his soul mate, the person he would be with who would be perfect for him and everything he needs and wants. Jongdae has a coffee pervert and skin tingling telling him yes, this is his own personal grade of hell.

“Yeah,” the stranger says. “That.” Jongdae stiffens, bristling and wanting to be let go, _now_. The hands holding him up feel too hot, and his skin begins to crawl. “I’m Lu Han.” Jongdae doesn't give a shit. Coffee Pervert Lu Han waits only a moment for Jongdae to answer him before his smile falters and his grip shifts. “Have you been tested?”

Jongdae’s anger boils.  


๑

  
_Pervert: 9:24 - Just to clarify I wasn’t being serious when I asked if you were tested._

_Pervert: 11:07 - Are you free on Friday? We’re should hang out or something :)_

_10:42 - I’m busy._

“You’re not busy,” snorts from over his shoulder and Jongdae jerks, nearly smacking the back of his head into Chanyeol’s nose. Chanyeol grins at him instead of acknowledging that he’s barely avoided having his nose broken. “You never have stuff to do on a Friday.”

“What do you know?” Jongdae grunts, quickly closing his phone with a snap as he looks at Chanyeol, seated beside him on the couch. He’s still not entirely sure why he gave Lu Han his phone number. He figures if anyone asks, he’ll just tell them he was in shock when Lu Han had laughed and told him they should probably exchange numbers in case they lose each other again before shaking his wrist in front of Jongdae’s nose.

“I know you’re either crashing Baekhyun and Zitao’s dates or here, stealing food,” Kyungsoo says, walking into the room and immediately frowning when he sees Jongdae’s feet propped on the coffee table. “And ge-“

“Off!” Jongdae says, raising his legs high in the air and holding up his hands in defense, not wanting a heel in his stomach by an irritated Kyungsoo. “And I thought you loved having me here.”

“We do,” Chanyeol says, smiling as he sits back and looks up at Kyungsoo, as if searching for agreement. Kyungsoo’s frown softens, but not by much. “Our grocery bill, however…”

“Hates you,” Kyungsoo finishes. “It wonders if you even eat when you’re not here.”

“I eat,” Jongdae defends himself and his adult autonomy. Frozen dinners are entirely adult. “I just happen to like your cooking more than my own.”

“That’s because your version of cooking is mini hotdogs and rice,” chimes in from the entrance hall. Jongdae turns to see Baekhyun smirking as he walks into the apartment, eyes dancing as they land on him. “Everyone’s cooking is better than yours.”

“You say as if you’re some great cook yourself,” Jongdae sighs back, arms crossing over his chest as he sinks back into the couch. “Besides, cooking isn’t everything.” Chanyeol turns to him with an eyebrow raised as if severely skeptical. “I have many other amazing qualities as well.”

“Sarcasm doesn’t count as a quality, only a pestilence,” Kyungsoo says, reaching down and snatching Jongdae’s phone from his hands. This earns a squawk as Jongdae reaches up to try to grab the phone back and has to settle for sighing as Kyungsoo shoots him a patronizing look. “I thought you refused to talk to this pervert of yours.”

“I do,” Jongdae says, crossing his arms over his chest and staring pointed at the television, which is decidedly off. He presses his lips into a line, trying to flatten out the automatic smile as his mind buzzes against his will. He doesn’t want to be thinking of backed up texts and a few missed calls that spanned over the first half of this week. He doesn’t want to think about how his soul mate is a weirdo who looked almost as bad as Chanyeol when he laughed.

“And that’s why you gave him your number,” Kyungsoo says, glancing up to look at him in a pointed manner. “I see.”

“I was bullied,” Jongdae shoots back, hugging his arms closer in a cross over his chest.

“In which case, I approve of this guy,” Baekhyun says, flopping down into the only arm chair (Kyungsoo’s) and grinning widely. “Anyone who can bully you is fantastic in my book. He’s probably fantastic for you, a match perfectly made this soul mate of yours.”

“Except not,” Jongdae shoots back. “You weren’t there. You don’t know how bad he is.” Stupid lecherous face looking up as he felt up Jongdae and then _insulted_ him.

“He can’t be that bad,” Kyungsoo says, offering a weak sympathetic and possibly attempted reassuring smile. “Maybe you two just got off on the wrong foot.”

“Exactly,” Chanyeol says, reaching over and patting Jongdae’s knee. “Or, technically, hand, considering you say he tried to feel you up.”

“See? It could be so much worse really,” Baekhyun chimes in, grinning. “You could be soul mates with Chanyeol for instance.” His grin widens into a laugh as Chanyeol’s face scrunches up in distaste at the comment.

Rather than laughing though, Jongdae doesn’t really find it particularly funny. To him, this isn’t a laughing situation. This is a mistaken situation. “Maybe it went wrong,” Jongdae says, ending in a sigh as he leans forward and puts his hands over his face, blocking out the light. “Maybe the Pull was wrong and maybe I’m not supposed to be soul mates with him.”

“Yeah, because that’s happened before,” Baekhyun scoffs. Jongdae cracks his fingers enough to shoot an unappreciative glare at his best friend from across the living room. His best friend, unhelpfully, shrugs at him. “Why can’t I just choose?” he sighs, dropping his hands to glare at the tidy coffee table, magazines perfectly arranged on the glass top, just as Chanyeol and Kyungsoo like them. Because they’re good together, they work together, they’re happy and comfortable; real soul mates. Gravitating together because they work well, balance and sync.

“You mean like you kept trying to do _before_ finding this guy,” Kyungsoo says, sinking down onto the couch beside Chanyeol, fingers slipping between Chanyeol’s larger ones with an ease of familiarity. “Which was such a roaring success, if I remember well.”

“Was he just sarcastic?” Baekhyun asks, eyebrow raised as he looks between Chanyeol’s smiling face and Kyungsoo’s unsmiling one.

The times before when Jongdae had met people wonderful and kind and supportive and gently sweet and the vision of that strived perfection, the one he _should_ be with. All the times his heart swelled and his hands shook with trepidation and the line around his wrist remained dark brown. It’s fading pink, just like a faint scar now, and his feelings sour as his eyes catch on it.

The almost smiling face of Lu Han, the coffee pervert, flickers in his mind and his mouth curves down as his eyes remain on his wrist. Lu Han is nothing like what Jongdae thought his soul mate would be. He’s good looking, sure, but everything else is wrong, feels like Jongdae’s being rubbed against a washboard of emotional nausea rather than smoothed out and content.

It’s _wrong_.

“What if soul mates are just a suggestion?” Jongdae begins, the words almost absent as they drop out of his mouth. It’s like molasses of out-loud contemplation crawling out of his brain and into speech. All his life Jongdae thought of soul mates as being the one, his endgame and the final ending of his story, the happily ever after. Nothing about Lu Han is happily ever after. “Like, it’s not absolute and I don’t have to be with him.”

It takes Jongdae a moment before he realizes the silence and looks up. His three friends are staring at him with varying degrees of expression on their faces and he blinks, surprised. “What?”

“Jongdae,” Chanyeol says, voice calm and soothing in its lower tones. “You’re an asshole.”

Jongdae frowns, that old feeling of a curl in his chest returning as Kyungsoo gets up and drops his phone into his lap as he walks past, scowling, to the kitchen.

Jongdae has two new messages on his phone. He feels sick.  


๑

  
Whatever Jongdae had expected when he finished his afternoon shift at the bookshop, it hadn’t been someone waiting outside for him.

It has been with two weeks of careful vigilant effort and only sparse reply to text messages with minimal reveal of information that Jongdae has been able to avoid Lu Han and the reminder that they’re suppose to be together. Or something. All that time comes to a grinding halt when the man leaning against the wall outside of the bookshop looks up at him casually.

“Hey,” Lu Han says, pushing off the wall. He’s smiling as Jongdae’s reflection shines in the other man’s sunglasses, Lu Han’s hair pushed off his face today. He reminds Jongdae of the college boys he used to know when in school years ago. It reminds Jongdae he has no idea how old Lu Han is, but considering his nonchalance and smooth skin, he’s probably young. Maybe younger than Jongdae.

Jongdae always liked older men, more mature and it just makes the stone press deeper in his chest to crush down the wriggling curl at the center that’s been getting worse as the days pass.

“What are you doing here?” Jongdae demands, stepping out of the doorway and making to walk down the steps to the main street, _away_ from Lu Han.

“I was waiting,” Lu Han says, stepping beside him easily and still smiling.

“The apocalypse passed in 2012, you’re a little late,” Jongdae says, trying to walk faster and frowning as Lu Han keeps up without any problem. Lu Han doesn’t say anything and when Jongdae looks at him, he’s got a sort of semi-smile to his lips. “How did you even know where I worked?”

“I make a point of stalking all people relevant in my life,” Lu Han says flippantly and Jongdae stumbles as the statement startles him. Lu Han is grinning when he looks up. “That and you told me a week ago.”

Jongdae remembers no such thing. Rather than push it though, he’ll just add ‘stalker’ to the ‘pervert’ label he already has for Lu Han, right along with ‘obsessive’ and ‘too many questions.’

“So, why are you here?” Jongdae asks, wondering how he can walk to the train station without having Lu Han follow him and remain in public view. So far he’s managed to keep conversation with Lu Han limited to small text messages, and only when he is bored enough to sift through them on his phone. Considering Jongdae is in between work and odd hour shifts, he has unfortunate amounts of free time to do this.

Lu Han shrugs, steps a little closer and Jongdae moves away in tandem. His wrist looks naked now, just continuous skin and no mark at all. Jongdae almost wishes he still had the dark brown line and no one flooding his phone at random hours asking if he could be a constellation, which one would it be? Capricorn or the Pleiades?

“Well, we’re soul mates,” Lu Han says. Jongdae’s jaw clenches at the word. “Which kind of means we should hang out, at least.” Lu Han smiles and Jongdae doesn’t when he chances to glance at him. “I feel like we kind of got off on the wrong foot. Me spilling coffee on you accidentally.” Jongdae’s frown tightens. “You punching me, probably not accidentally.” Lu Han shrugs again, and pushes his sunglasses up his face to rest on top of his head, offsetting his auburn hair. “Not the best first impression.”

Lu Han still smiles, eyes crinkling up a bit in good humor or spirits or something Jongdae doesn’t feel in return. He pushes the heavy feeling in his chest over the incessant curl and doesn’t smile. “You know,” he says and Lu Han’s eyebrows raise to indicate attentiveness. “Most people’s first impressions are pretty accurate.” Lu Han’s smile falters. “Yours was.”

The smile slips as the glint in Lu Han’s eyes flickers a bit. “My devilish charm was that strong?”

“No, but the asshole attitude sure was,” Jongdae throws back, skin prickling as Lu Han’s smile slips further.

“It was an accident,” Lu Han says.

“Sure,” Jongdae scoffs and turns away. Lu Han is too close, his steps too easily matching his own and Jongdae has that rumpled feeling of clothing put on backwards.

Soul mates are supposed to fit, to be comfortable and that easy progression. Nothing about how Jongdae feels right now is comfortable.

“Tell you what,” Lu Han says, and his elbow knocks against Jongdae’s as they turn a street corner, jolting him. “Let’s start over.” Jongdae lets out a small hiccup of a gasp as Lu Han grab his elbow, tugging him around and to a stop. Lu Han is smiling again, holding out a hand. “Hello,” Lu Han says with a smile Jongdae doesn’t return. “I’m Lu Han. It’s nice to meet you.”

It’s like some horrible cliché scene from one of those B movies that the cinema shows at odd hours. “You still spilled coffee on me,” he replies and Lu Han drops his hand with a sigh. “And felt me up.”

“Neither of those things was intentional,” Lu Han says and Jongdae half bristles. He then almost smacks himself because who gets offended when someone tells them they wouldn’t feel them up even if given the perfect chance _to_ feel them up? Apparently, Jongdae.

But yet here he stands, refusing to shake hands with Lu Han in a pitiful reintroduction and feeling offended because Lu Han the coffee pervert stalker _wouldn’t_ like to feel him up. “Thanks,” he says, sounding far too bitter, and stepping back.

“Unless you wanted me to, of course,” Lu Han says, and then smiles that same overly bright and slightly teasing smile that makes Jongdae’s skin itch just like it had when he’d met Lu Han for the first time. “I’m all for consensual mutual feeling up. Considering we’re soul mates, I imagine that might factor in at some point.” He smiles, eyes in crescents like this is all a big joke.

Jongdae isn’t laughing. Nothing about this is funny.

This is serious. His soul mate is important, someone who should be there for him, support him and he in turn supports. A lover, not someone who laughs and jokes around and teases him like this.

Everything about Lu Han is wrong.

“Why are you here?” Jongdae asks him, not walking away. The station exit is a few blocks over. He doesn’t want Lu Han following him there. He doesn’t want Lu Han knowing where he lives. Lu Han already knows where one of his jobs is, and that’s bad enough.

“Supposedly to live, procreate, and die,” Lu Han says and his mouth twitches as Jongdae sighs, closing his eyes and temper slipping. “But I wanted to see if you’d be up for dinner.”

At home in his fourth floor apartment in the slightly less desirable area of the city, Jongdae has four cans of tuna and a carton of milk for his prospective dinner. There is also maybe salt, but it’s doubtful.

Before him, smiling and looking all for the world better dressed and possibly better paid than himself, stands Lu Han, a coffee pervert and Jongdae’s soul mate, offering dinner.

“Busy?” Lu Han asks, his hands slipping into his jeans pockets before he shifts his weight. “I know I kind of threw this at you unexpectedly.”

“First coffee, now dinner,” Jongdae says and Lu Han lets out a laugh that Jongdae doesn’t participate in.

“I haven’t thrown dinner on your lap,” Lu Han says, his smile flashing white teeth as his eyes shine. “Yet.”

The tone has Jongdae’s skin prickling all over, as if salt water is drying too fast from the beach. His stomach growls and, swallowing down a sticky throat, Jongdae decides _just once_. For the sake of food.  


๑

  
A week ago, amid a series of texts from Lu Han, lies a text with the name of the bookshop Jongdae works at. It was sent while Jongdae was at work, which might explain why Jongdae may have sent it _accidentally_. He’d probably been distracted.

Just like he had been distracted by coffee when he first met Lu Han. He’d thought back on it, later, when his head had been clearer, and he remembered that he hadn’t initially felt the Pull. It was with dismay when he realized he _had_ , he just hadn’t registered it. The racing over his skin, the burn when they touched, and the feeling of being thrown, dizzy, had all been under his anger and the scalding of coffee in his lap.

He never asked Lu Han if he had felt the Pull then. He doesn’t really want to know, feeling sickened and tired when he remembers Lu Han and what that Pull means.

The phone quacks gently in his hands. Jongdae frowns at it, the tiny screen illuminated in the darkness of his apartment.

A new message flashes on his screen.

_Pervert: 10:13 – Thanks for dinner~ Sleep well!_

Jongdae doesn’t answer it, instead dropping his phone onto his bedside table and flopping into bed to curl up in the blankets, forcing thoughts of Lu Han out of his head before they raid his dreams.  


๑

  
The television is terrible, blaring loud and obnoxious over the room and Jongdae does his best not to glare at it. Honestly, it’s doing him a favor, seeing as it is distracting most of the room from the conversation he’s in the middle of. It’s just hard to be grateful of a talking machine box that heels telling him how badly he needs athlete’s foot cream and has to go buy some right now.

“Jongdae,” is said sharply as fingers snap in front of his nose and Jongdae blinks, going slightly cross eyed as he looks at the hand in front of his face. Beside him, as if this is the most tiring thing in her life, Soojung sighs heavily. “Are you even listening?”

“I’m always listening to you,” Jongdae tells her, leaning in to try to keep his voice down so Baekhyun and Zitao don’t get distract and try to make the conversation worse. “I just have to keep you guessing to keep you sharp.”

Soojung’s look of judgment would make song contest critics weep. “I’m already sharp enough to catch on that you’re full of bullshit, so don’t bother,” she says and pokes him in the side, earning a squirm and a wince. “Besides, you already told Baekhyun about this, and I’m personally offended that you left me out of it.”

“How do you know Baekhyun knows?” Jongdae frowns, glancing over at Baekhyun as he appears enthralled in the television and is squashed in the only single chair with Zitao.

“Zitao told me,” Soojung says and Jongdae frowns more. Soojung rolls her eyes. “Oh come on, like Baekhyun doesn’t tell Zitao about everything. I’m pretty sure Zitao could tell you the intricate details of Baekhyun’s bowel movements.”

“I’ll choose to never ask,” Jongdae says with a grimace, looking away from his best friend and his fiancé.

“Don’t,” Amber says, leaning in over Soojung’s shoulder and giving him a pointed look. “We’re not exaggerating.”

“Eavesdropping is a terrible vice,” Jongdae tells her.

“So is excessive sarcasm,” Amber fires back and then grins widely. “I accept you anyway.”

“When were you going to tell me that you finally met your soul mate?” Soojung asks, shaking her long hair from her face and poking Jongdae again. It’s a horrible habit she’s picked up lately and Jongdae doesn’t appreciate it in the slightest. He was on a long shift at the breakfast diner the other day and thinks he pulled a muscle in his side from all the trays he carried. “That’s kind of important news, you know. What happened to me being the first to know about this sort of thing?”

“I was pausing for dramatic effect,” Jongdae tries to wave off, sinking a bit further into the couch as Soojung huffs at him. “And, you know, I’ve been busy.” Avoiding said soul mate.

Amber smiles, leaning over until she’s resting on Soojung’s back, her arms circling around the younger girls waist as she settles. “He’s keeping you that busy?”

“Why haven’t you introduced him?” Soojung asks, her eyes lighting up as she accommodates Amber’s weight on her. “You should have brought him over today! Then we could have seen who finally ended up with our-“

Baekhyun lets out a loud laugh, starting the conversation and making Jongdae’s already rising nerves twang. “He didn’t bring him because he doesn’t like him,” Baekhyun unhelpfully informs the room and Jongdae closes his eyes, grimacing.

It’s a pause before Amber says, “What?”

“You mean to tell me,” Soojung says, another finger jab in Jongdae’s shoulder. “That you, after years and _years_ of whining and pining and wistful sighing at me that you met your soul mate and are now, what, avoiding him?”

“Would you please stop jabbing me, it hurts,” Jongdae says, leaning away from Soojung and away from her attacking fingernails. “I have my reasons.”

“Oh, this better be good,” Soojung says, her tone indicating that Jongdae will have to either tell her Lu Han is a convicted criminal or Jongdae’s dead to her.

“He’s a coffee pervert,” Baekhyun says just as Jongdae opens his mouth to explain the situation.

“Do you mind?” Jongdae tries not to growl, turning to look at Baekhyun as Amber suddenly snorts into laughter, making Soojung flinch violently.

“Not at all,” Baekhyun says, smiling as Zitao watches Amber with a vague look of concerned intrigue on his face. “I’m delighted to mind actually.”

“A coffee pervert,” Soojung repeats, tilting her head that tells Jongdae the skepticism is reaching critical levels. “What the hell is a coffee pervert?”

“It’s a person who spills coffee on your lap so they can feel up unsuspecting strangers,” Zitao chimes in, finally joining the conversation as Jongdae, yet again, is cut off mid-almost speech. “Jongdae met Lu Han at that job fair when Lu Han spilled a latte on his crotch to get the good.”

“Sounds like a perfect catch for you,” Amber manages between laughs and Jongdae frowns at her as Soojung slowly arches one eyebrow. “He must have really thought you were hot to spill coffee on you. Jongdae, you man magnet.”

“Man magnet,” Soojung repeats, looking at her girlfriend as Amber continues to laugh blatantly at Jongdae’s miserable reality. “Really?”

“He’s a persistent pervert too,” Baekhyun adds. “Jongdae’s had dinner with him, what, two times now?”

“Once,” Jongdae corrects with a glare at Baekhyun, the secret spiller. Zitao smiles calmly as Baekhyun grins back at him, clearly pleased with himself. “And that was just because I didn’t have anything myself. And because he bullied me into it.”

“Bullied you,” Soojung repeats as she turns away from Amber and frowns. “He bullies you?”

“He’s terrible,” Jongdae adds, frowning as he thinks of how Lu Han badgers him for dinner again and again, mentioning how their soul mates and asking when Jongdae is free. How Lu Han texts him that he didn’t see him at the bookstore that day when he stopped by and Jongdae just wants to pull his hair and tell him to go away because he still feels annoyed at how the last time Jongdae had seen Lu Han. Lu Han had laughed and noted how they both had so much in common before indicating Jongdae’s ass and pointing out how his was also sadly small.

“He can’t be that bad,” Amber says, finally recovering herself.

“He bullies Jongdae, I love him already,” Baekhyun adds and Amber grins as if in agreement. “It takes a special breed to bully you, I think he’s good for you.”

“You put your best friend in the hands of a pervert,” Jongdae grumbles, squashing himself back into the couch as he looks at Baekhyun with an indifference he knows will irritate him. “You’re horrible.”

Baekhyun just grins wide.

“Maybe it was actually an accident though,” Amber proposes optimistically. “Like, he didn’t actually mean to spill his coffee on you and has just been, I dunno, trying to act like a normal person.”

Jongdae presses his lips together as the image of Lu Han flashes through his mind. Nothing about Lu Han says ‘normal’ nor does it say ‘good dating material’ to him, let alone ‘soul mate material’. “Even if,” Jongdae begins. “And the if is a very strong if, he didn't’ mean to, it’s just weird. He’s strange and uncomfortable and rude and everything about him feels wrong.”

“You know,” Zitao chimes in, frowning a bit as he leans into Baekhyun’s side and looks at Jongdae keenly. “For someone who has been waiting for his soul mate for so long, you’re not really giving Lu Han much of a chance.”

“Exactly,” Amber says, smiling and Jongdae’s skin crawls with discomfort.

“You’ve been waiting for a soul mate for as long as I’ve known you,” Soojung says, crossing her arms over her chest as she fixes him with a look. “What gives? I thought you’d be happy about this.”

Anger and irritation spike and Jongdae can’t help the sharp gesture he makes before he flops back into the couch with an annoyed cry. “I _have_ been waiting forever,” he grinds out, hands coming to rest over his face as his frustration mounts higher and higher. “I’ve wanted to meet my soul mate for so long it’s just-“

“Just what?” Soojung cuts in before Jongdae can finish his dramatic pause.

Fingers slipping down his face so he can look at the occupants of the room, all looking at him as the television is still too loud in the corner, Jongdae wets his lips. “I just didn’t think it would be…”

Lu Han’s slew of text messages and weird jokes and mannerisms in the rare moments when he catches Jongdae at the tail end of work, making Jongdae’s responses stick in his throat. The way he laughs and shrugs thing off and doesn’t talk when he’s supposed to and is _nothing_ like anything perfect or what Jongdae thought of when he imagined a soul mate.

Jongdae has spent the last twenty-seven years thinking about his soul mate.

Lu Han is anything but Jongdae’s soul mate isn’t one of them. He can’t be.

Everyone in the room is still staring at him, waiting as the television continues on and ignores the significance of the moment.

In the pocket of his pants, Jongdae’s phone buzzes and quacks faintly. “Him,” Jongdae finally finishes as his stomach twists uncomfortably.

Finding his soul mate is supposed to be happy, a time where he feels relieved and excited and where he wants to spend time with his other supposed half. He’s supposed to be out right now, with the person who he’s been waiting for his entire life, heart swelling in his chest with hope and promise.

Instead he’s sitting in the living room of his friend’s apartment watching afternoon talk shows and feelings sick with too much, his insides twisting even worse every time he thinks of Lu Han.

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be at all. It’s all wrong, and it all draws back to Lu Han, because Lu Han is _wrong_.

“Jongdae,” Amber finally says and breaks the silence. Soojung is frowning at him, her lips pressed together as Baekhyun appears to be struggling with something to say for once. Amber is frowning, but not in disapproval. “Is it so bad to give him a chance?”

“Yes,” Jongdae says immediately, his hands dropping and the tips of his fingers brushing over where his phone is. “It is.”

“Why?” Soojung asks, and cocks one of her eyebrows.

“Yeah, Jongdae,” Baekhyun chimes in, sinking back into the arm chair and squashing Zitao into the cushions. “What’s the worst that could happen? He already spilled coffee on you, felt you up, and slapped your tiny butt. I’d say there isn’t really much place else he can go except up.”

Baekhyun’s grin isn’t meant to be comforting or encouraging and Jongdae knows that as Baekhyun’s eyes glint in mockery.

“Who knows, maybe you’ll give him a chance and he just might surprise you,” Soojung says, reaching forward and poking him, albeit with a bit less ferocity and a soft hidden smile to her lips.

His phone quacks again and Jongdae’s stomach twists in response, mind filled with molasses tar as he frowns and thinks about the mess that he’s in.

“After all,” Zitao adds, and his lips curl up in an encouraging smile. “You are soul mates after all. What if you do just end up working out?”  


๑

  
Those words curl around and around in Jongdae’s mind over the next few days as he goes between his weird hour of part time jobs and randomly replies to random text messages when he sees fit. They stick at the back of his thoughts and poke into him as he tries to get to sleep. They blaze in bright letters as Jongdae walks out of the bookshop in the afternoon and his phone quacks in his side bay and he digs it out.

His phone quacks again with a message Jongdae never reads before “Pervert” is flashing on the screen and Lu Han is calling him.

For the first time, Jongdae answers his phone. “What?”

There is a silence which may or may not be shocked before Lu Han says “you answered,” like he is genuinely surprised.

“That’s what you’re supposed to do get a call,” Jongdae says, squinting up and down the street for signs of Lu Han, just in case he’s lurking around and living up to his stalker label. “What is it?”

“I just wanted to know if you were done with work,” Lu Han says, still sounding surprised. “You know, I thought we could-“

_What if you two just end up working out?_ sing-songs across Jongdae’s brain, almost a mockery, and in a way he wants it to shut up and prove it wrong. “What are you up to?” Jongdae asks, cutting Lu Han off.

“What?”

“Are you busy tonight?” Jongdae asks, the sudden creep of nervousness strange.

“Well, I had plans,” Lu Han says and the tone of his voice has Jongdae painting a picture of his teasing face. “But I’m-“

“We should get dinner,” Jongdae says. Get it over with. “Together. Can you?”

There is a soft laugh over the line, and Jongdae can’t tell if it’s amused or disbelieving. “Oh really?” Lu Han asks as Jongdae begins to walk towards the station. “Are you asking me out?”

“Yes,” Jongdae doesn’t see any reason to beat around the bush. “We’re supposed to be soul mates, so I’m asking you out.”

“Well, since you asked so nicely,” Lu Han drawls as Jongdae turns a corner and nearly runs into someone, jerking in surprise and stepping back. He looks up and his eyes widen as he sees Lu Han standing there, eyebrows raised right before he grins widely at him. “I guess I’m free,” Lu Han speaks into the phone, and Jongdae hears it in two places at once. “How thoughtful of you to ask me on a date.”

That tease is still there, the joking and playful edge to his words as Lu Han pulls his phone from his face and Jongdae snaps his shut. “Shut up,” Jongdae grunts, and Lu Han, rather than looking put out, just smiles more. “We’re getting Mexican.”

This seems to throw Lu Han, but fuck Jongdae’s been wanting Mexican food for so long he may as well enjoy something on this date. “Really?” Lu Han asks, eyes wide and the surprise looks whole, genuine as he falls into step with Jongdae. “Mexican?”

“What about Mexican?” Jongdae asks, glancing to Lu Han with a small frown. So far, no one he knows would pass up dinner recommendations.

“Isn’t it,” Lu Han’s lips twist as he watches Jongdae’s face, studying with those bright eyes, “supposedly the kind of food you don’t get on dates or something.”

Jongdae stops walking, turning completely to Lu Han and that irritation that is so often skittering over his skin rises. He doesn’t know what it is, what about Lu Han that continues to irk him so much and get under his skin, but it does, like he can’t get past those sparkly pretty eyes and the strange smile that looks like he’s hiding everything. The way nothing about him matches. Of all things Jongdae expected Lu Han to say, it wasn’t that.

“I just want to eat Mexican,” Jongdae says, honestly because, well, he does. It doesn’t matter if he’s on a date or sitting at home in his underpants, he wants to have Mexican. “Does it really matter?”

For a moment, Lu Han looks at him in an almost quizzical manner. Then, just when Jongdae is about to tell him to forget it, Lu Han smiles and the moment is gone, Lu Han back to his smiles and his easy posture and Jongdae feels unbalanced by it. “You’re not like most people,” Lu Han says instead, a small hint of a laugh to his voice as his smile brightens.

He never answered Jongdae’s question but when Jongdae resumes walking, so does Lu Han beside him. He doesn’t press too close, like he had for the first few times he randomly popped up, but if he moved just a bit their arms would brush.

“Is that a problem?” Jongdae asks, raising one eyebrow and putting a bit of frost to his tone.

Instead of stepping back or faltering, Lu Han smiles brighter, his eyes crinkling up as he looks back and his teeth flash bright in the sun. “Not at all,” Lu Han says, and something about his smile makes the irritating buzz quiet if only for a moment. Like Lu Han means it, and rather than being insulting, is pleased.

Like Lu Han doesn’t care that Jongdae may not be exactly like everyone else, and considers that a good thing.

That tiny crawl in Jongdae’s chest does something that doesn’t feel so much like a crawl, but a flutter.  


๑

  
Lu Han is still strange and Jongdae still doesn’t really feel comfortable through the whole dinner, but it’s less… caustic. Jongdae has to keep reminding himself with the flashing of Zitao’s words that appear to have seared them into the side of his brain to try ‘what if’.

It’s a little disconcerting how distractingly strange Lu Han looks when he smiles unexpectedly, apparently just as unprepared for the full impact of his smile as Jongdae. He doesn’t really seem to care though if his face which looks pretty and young manages to do things that it shouldn’t logically be able to.

It turns out Lu Han also really likes Mexican, and has no boundaries with stealing some of Jongdae’s food during dinner and flashing him smiles and teasing questions and looks through the meal.

And…

It isn’t torture.

“You survived,” Baekhyun says over the phone when he picks up.

“Some people say hello,” Jongdae tells him, glancing at the clock and wondering how dinner lasted over an hour without him wanting to strangle something.

“Yeah, well, they’re boring people,” Baekhyun snorts back and Jongdae grimaces. “How’d it go? Are you still hatin’?”

“Well, I survived, like you said,” Jongdae begins and then stops because he isn’t entirely sure where to go from there. It wasn’t a good date, but it wasn’t a bad date. It could have been a lot worse, like Lu Han making good on his once comment to throw dinner in Jongdae’s lap.

“Clearly,” Baekhyun says and chuckles. “When are you going to see him again?”

“I never said we were going on another date.” Jongdae frowns as he drops his shoulder bag onto his beat up armchair, flopping into the couch a moment later with his phone still pressed to his ear.

“Yeah, okay,” says Baekhyun. “You’re seeing him tomorrow or next week or he’s there right now?” Jongdae can hear the humor rising in Baekhyun’s tone. “If you brought him back to your place, I give both of you a gold star. You for opening your mind and him for not running away immediately upon seeing where you live.”

“You’re not as funny as you think you are,” Jongdae says, leaning back and letting his head rest against the pillows of his couch, looking up at the ceiling. Absently, he runs his hand over his stomach, full and content from dinner.

“You may be right,” Baekhyun muses for a second. “I’m probably funnier.”

All through dinner, Lu Han had chatted, asking him questions as they ate through the meal and telling a bit about himself. Jongdae ended up telling Lu Han far more about himself than he learned about Lu Han, which had been more than he ever intended to do. While before, in those first moments he might have sooner have told a murderer the answers to those questions, something about the look in Lu Han’s eyes had him talking.

Jongdae isn’t sure how long he talked, or how much he said, but dinner lasted over an hour. Between Lu Han’s strange jokes and facial expressions that suggested as much as teased, Jongdae had lost track of time and forgotten that he didn’t want to be there.

“So how is your soul mate doing?” Baekhyun asks, jumping Jongdae back out of his thoughts. “Still being everything you don’t like or have you finally decided to give him a shot?”

“He steals food,” Jongdae says, thinking back to how Lu Han kept sneaking bites of his dinner and then offering his own for Jongdae before taking it for himself cheekily. Jongdae had ended up fighting off his plastic fork for a while until victorious, though it was short lived when Lu Han stole his soda. “And he asks strange questions.”

“A food stealing coffee pervert boyfriend for my best friend,” Baekhyun muses, as Jongdae checks the time. He has the early shift tomorrow at his other job and it’s getting late. “And you’re sure this guy isn’t perfect for you?”

“I need a soul mate who is able to make food or help me make food not steal the food I have,” Jongdae replies and Baekhyun snorts.

“Well, you two can take cooking lessons then,” Baekhyun says cheerfully. “Both of you sucky cooks can learn to suck less together and them hopefully both of you will live happily ever after and not starve.”

“Like you and Zitao have done,” Jongdae comments and hears a muffled cough.

“Exactly,” Baekhyun says and it doesn’t sound joking at all, a sudden shift. “Who knows, you two might learn how to not burn eggs together and you’ll realize he’s been what’s missing in your life.”

Lu Han’s stupid grin when he’d shot question after question swims in Jongdae’s mind and he shakes his head. “Hardly,” he says, not really sure how the idea of taking a class with Lu Han could be any less appealing. Half the time he talks to Lu Han, he can’t tell if Lu Han is teasing him, insulting him, or just making conversation.

“Hey, I thought you were being optimistic about this now,” Baekhyun chides and Jongdae sighs, keeling over on the couch. “You know, actually giving him a chance and not being morose just because he’s not your absolute prince charming.”

“I asked him out, didn’t I?” Jongdae points out.

“Yeah, and your evaluation of that was ‘I didn’t want to die’,” Baekhyun laughs back. “That wasn’t giving him a chance, that was being slightly less pessimistic.”

“And you know so much more than I do about dating,” Jongdae quips back.

“As a matter of fact, I do,” Baekhyun tells him, tone not joking much at all now. “You somehow forget that I’m the one getting married in four months and you’re the one who’s had consistently failed relationships.”

“Yeah, but you found your soul mate when you were fourteen,” Jongdae says. “You and Zitao have had it easy.”

There is a soft scoff on the other end of the line and Jongdae sighs, wedging the phone to lie on his ear. Usually, it helps to talk to Baekhyun, get some of the steam out and joke around with him, but at the moment, it somehow digs at him. “No relationship is easy, Jongdae.”

Except how Baekhyun has never had to sit with the horrible creeping worry of when and who his soul mate would be. Baekhyun met Zitao when he was so young, and they fell together so easily, syncing up and being the stable lasting couple early on. They never had to worry about this or go through the horrible grind of suspension like Jongdae has done.

It’s been easy for them, and Jongdae really wishes that he knew someone who was in the same situation as he is.

“Thanks for the advice,” Jongdae ends up cutting out, his stomach twisting as his thoughts being to run. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“You know, Lu Han probably didn’t expect you to be his soul mate either,” Baekhyun says and _that_ stabs hard.

“He’s lucky to have a soul mate like me,” Jongdae snaps back, now irritated.

“Really?” Baekhyun asks just as Jongdae hangs up. It leaves him gaping at his phone, irritation coursing through him and he almost calls Baekhyun back.

Breathing a few times through his nose to try to calm down, Jongdae closes his eyes instead, letting the hand holding his phone fall back to bump against his forehead. Taking in a deep breath, he tries to push down the annoyance that talking with Baekhyun had stirred up.

He breathes in and forces himself to think about Lu Han. Almost immediately, Lu Han’s face flickers into his head, a mix of mutating expressions on his features and the barest hints of his voice flitting in and out of focus, his laugh ringing. Jongdae isn’t used to him at all, never expected to meet someone as confusing as him, as strange and slightly irritating and different from what he’d expect as a soul mate.

Lu Han doesn’t treat him with courtesy, polite and caring and with the attentiveness that Jongdae would muse over in absent hours. Lu Han instead teases him, jokes about everything and laughs at so much even when it may not be funny. Lu Han isn’t serious and secure, he’s instead spontaneous and jolting, stepping too close and skipping away and Jongdae can’t predict what he’s going to do next.

It makes it hard for Jongdae to feel like he will ever get to know him at all, let alone trust him. The first inclination Jongdae had upon meeting him was intense dislike after all, and trying to step back from that is not easy.

In his hand, his phone quacks loudly and vibrates, making Jongdae jump. Flipping it open, he reads a new message from Lu Han.

_Pervert: 10:46 - Hey soul mate. Did you make it home or are you dead?_

_Alive._ Jongdae texts back, having forgotten a bit about how Lu Han had wormed out of him how he lived in a less secure area of the city.

_Pervert: 10:47 - Just making sure. Otherwise I’d ask a friend if they were busy on Friday. As you were my first choice, I am thus relieved._

For a moment, Jongdae bounces his phone in his hands, staring up at it as he lies on his back. There is nothing doting about Lu Han, nothing that coddles or makes him feel particularly special. Even comments like this don’t have his heart fluttering like it had when Yixing had held his hand and told him how he felt so happy they found each other.

That had made Jongdae’s heart flutter, the soft sweetness in Yixing’s voice.

Lu Han feels like being prodded in the center of the chest with an elbow followed by a teasing laugh. If it were Baekhyun doing this, Jongdae would laugh and throw back an insult. With Lu Han, he isn’t quite sure.

_Your poor friends_ Jongdae ends up typing back, pushing out his lip in contemplation. He hits send when he decides he doesn’t care if Lu Han thinks it’s rude.

His phone quacks just as Jongdae lowers it to drop onto his stomach. _Pervert: So I’ll see you on Friday?_

Jongdae stares at the message, pressing the pound key on his phone again and again every time the screen fades to black to read it again. He frowns, thinking over everything, about how he’s supposed to give Lu Han a chance, about how he’s always wanted this, how Lu Han makes no sense and how he still feels like he’s unbalance.

He thinks about how no one else understands, not Kyungsoo, not Chanyeol, and certainly not Baekhyun.

Pressing the pound key again and reading the text, Jongdae bites his lip when he realizes maybe the only person who may be able to understand this at all is the last person he wants to really talk to about this.

Typing in quickly to his phone, Jongdae hits send, and rolls into the back cushions of his couch, stomach beginning to twist all over again.  


๑

  
Jongdae is less ready for Friday when it actually arrives. As it is, he ends up finishing his morning shift at the breakfast café he works at later than usual, meaning he’s late for the tail end of the bookshop shift and he gets glares from his manager for two hours after clocking in. By the time he leaves, he’s tired and wants to just give up on leaving his apartment after getting in.

Instead, he gets a quacking message from Lu Han that is a cheerful _see you in an hour!_ and Jongdae feels vaguely ill among the lack of motivation.

Lu Han, at least, looks nice. Rather that what Jongdae has shown up in (which is a casual hodgepodge of basic colors and scuffed shoes), Lu Han actually looks like he’s dressed up for a proper date.

“Hi,” Jongdae says, taking in the laid back form of Lu Han standing outside the restaurant they were supposed to rendezvous at. Lu Han in gray slacks and a white button down is far more impressive than Lu Han in interestingly patterned shorts and a regular tee shirt. He also looks comfortable, an easy welcoming smile on his face as he sees Jongdae.

“Hey,” Lu Han says, striding up and Jongdae faintly flinches away, expecting Lu Han to try to throw his arm around him or something. Lu Han simply blinks, his smile faltering slightly as he settles at Jongdae’s side, smile still in place. “How are you? I’ve barely heard from you all day.”

“I was working,” Jongdae answers curtly, glancing up at Lu Han and then away, the way Lu Han’s eyes seem to so easily fix on him making him feel oddly observed. “I had a long day.”

The smile slips and Lu Han shifts, tongue poking out to wet his lips. “If you’re too tired, we could have rescheduled or-“

“It’s fine,” Jongdae snaps. They’re on a date. They’re doing what people who are dating are supposed to do and they’re soul mates or something and he’s _trying_ and giving Lu Han a chance. It’s fine.

Jongdae is doing the thing where he gives Lu Han a ‘chance’.

It appears for a moment as if Lu Han is going to say something, his smile slipping and brows tightening together. It has a nervous rise in Jongdae’s stomach, but then Lu Han laughs, and the moment is gone. “Whatever you say,” he says and steps away, leading the way for Jongdae to follow him. “Hungry?”

So far, none of Lu Han’s dates really make much consistent sense. A lot of the dates Jongdae has been on have all been very typical standard dates. Since Jongdae started the whole attempt to try to find someone in hopes that being proactive might do something to help his lack of soul mate two years ago, he’s been on a number of dates.

Most of them were all the typical date and setting that he’s used to seeing others follow. Dinner, movies, walks places, coffee shops, and a few shopping excursions being the majority of the activities before it turned into ‘couple activities’ which were less structured and more ‘hanging out’.

Lu Han takes him to random dinner locations and settings, chatting and spending more time invading Jongdae’s mind and space and catching him off guard than he does trying to keep a date setting. They’ve been out to dinner or something like that about four or five times, usually at the point where Jongdae has been with Lu Han for over an hour before it truly occurs to him this might be a date.

Lu Han takes him to random dinner locations and settings, chatting and spending more time invading Jongdae’s mind and space and catching him off guard than he does trying to keep a date setting. They’ve been out to dinner or something like that about four or five times, usually at the point where Jongdae has been with Lu Han for over an hour before it truly occurs to him this might be a date.

The restaurant tonight is far more of a typical date that Jongdae _is_ used to, the hostess at the door, the black and white dressed waiters and the just comfortable chairs that make it so you don't get too distracted from the person you are with. This is more like what he's familiar with, and it feels a little strange being here with Lu Han when he's used to grabbing Mexican and Lu Han tugging him to grab some food before chowing down in the park.

It's an actual date, and Jongdae feels suddenly more uncomfortable than he has yet with Lu Han.

It doesn't help that Lu Han looks completely at ease, even offering him a teasing smile when he swaggers forward and gestures the waiter away so he can hold out Jongdae's chair for him. Wrinkling his nose, Jongdae takes the other, muttering "you don't need to _act_ like a gentleman," under his breath and almost missing the sudden falter in Lu Han's usually bright expression.

"Okay," Lu Han says, probably more to himself than Jongdae as he takes the seat he had pulled out and accepts the menu the waiter offers him. He just barely glances up after opening his menu at Jongdae, but he smiles again as he does so. "Let me know what looks good."

Jongdae doesn't say anything, just humming agreement as he tugs his lower lip between his teeth and looking over his menu. The prices stick at his vision more than the foods listed and he feels a twist in his stomach.

"I can't afford any of this," Jongdae says, looking up from his menu. Jongdae works two jobs and spends more time figuring out how to penny pinch between shifts to make sure he gets his bills paid than he does on nutrition.

"Good," Lu Han says, barely looking up from his menu. "Because you're not paying." Jongdae opens his mouth to snap at Lu Han, to tell him that he doesn't need Lu Han to cover for him, but then Lu Han is speaking again. "I work at a small company down town that does a lot of technical design and commission work. I can afford it." He looks up to Jongdae, eyes dancing as if he's sharing a joke Jongdae can't understand. "You never asked," he says.

It shouldn't feel so strange, that Jongdae has seen Lu Han over the last month and a half and yet didn't even know that. It seems like a pretty basic thing.

"But," Jongdae says, frowning. "I met you at a job fair." It's kind of hard to forget how they met, but if Lu Han has a job then why was he there at all?

"I'm trying to branch out," Lu Han says, closing his menu slowly. "I figured I wanted to find a more stable job, considering the job right now was just an internship that turned long term." His smile turns teasing. "I didn't find a job, but I found you."

The line should be cheesy, something that Jongdae would expect Chanyeol to tell Kyungsoo and his normal reaction would be to scoff at it and laugh, but instead it has him numbing, feeling heavy and warm and uneasy. The way Lu Han says it wasn't teasing, despite how his expression suggests a joke, and Jongdae can't tell if he was being serious or teasing and after so many weeks of this, it feels like his head is spinning from it.

"Well," Jongdae says, after a pause that is too long to be unnoticed. "Then I'll thank you for dinner."

It falls flat, and he hides behind the menu to keep the discomfort from showing so blatantly.

He's trying. He's supposed to be trying he's giving Lu Han a chance despite how Lu Han makes him uncomfortable and nervous and how when he thinks of Lu Han, it's a jumble of annoyance and confusion. Glancing up, Lu Han has returned to looking over his menu. He has a small furrow between his brows and his bottom lip drawn between his teeth as he reads. He doesn't look joking or bright, and Jongdae finds he doesn't feel the surge of annoyance that he's come to just accept as part of being around him.

Instead, he feels uneasy, and there isn’t a reason he can conjure up to explain that.

Jongdae looks away before Lu Han looks up again, eyes curious and Jongdae fixates on the entres and what he wants.

It's hard to pin point it at first, but when their food finally arrives at the table, Jongdae understands what it is that makes him feel so much more out of place tonight than usual. It had been easier on all the other occasions he saw Lu Han to ignore it, get lost up in the teasing jabs and how Lu Han looked like he'd fallen into his closet and rolled back out with whatever latched onto him. It had been easier when he'd been too distracted by how undefined and easy things had been to not think about what Lu Han is to him, and how they could be technically dating.

Even when he'd asked Lu Han out, it hadn't felt like a date. It had been more like Lu Han leaning into his dinner and teasingly stealing food from his dish and sneaking touches. It hadn't been a date, it had been annoying and distracting and Jongdae had told him about his high school vocal competitions without thinking about it.

This though, this is an unmistakable date and it leaves Jongdae feeling suffocated.

Lu Han looks put together and handsome despite the small bit of scruff he's missed at his right sideburn. He's composed and makes normal conversation without the typical prodding and teasing (though Jongdae can see it there, just under the surface) and the whole thing feels so formal, so finite it pushes the air up in Jongdae's chest so it's hard to breathe.

It might be the long day, which has him feeling on edge, it might be the way the chair is just a little but uncomfortable to have him focusing elsewhere than his seat, it might be that he feels dramatically underdressed and out of place in such a nice restaurant, but it feels like it's all shoved at him. Both of them here, Lu Han looking like Jongdae might have envisioned how he should have looked in his mind if he thought of a soul mate except how he knows Lu Han _isn't_ this.

It's like a big joke all set up to grind into him that Lu Han and he are wrapped up in a bond that so many treat as seriously as marriage. It's like even despite his efforts to perhaps give Lu Han a chance, it all sticks here to how he doesn't know if he wants to.

Lu Han who rubs him in all the wrong ways than Jongdae wants, a surprise and a twist and none of the ease he envisioned. Lu Han, who isn’t his missing puzzle piece but a completely different puzzle.

"Are you okay?" Lu Han asks, startling Jongdae from his tumbling thoughts and the encompassing weight in his chest, pressing down on the writhing that just gets worse. When Jongdae looks up at him, Lu Han isn't teasing, he's frowning and looks _concerned_.

"Fine," Jongdae says a bit shorter than he might usually if it was anyone else. "I'm fine, Lu Han." It feels sour and sweet and the food in his mouth is sticky when he has to look away from Lu Han.

He feels sick, tightness in his chest that he's not used to and a jump in his stomach when he looks at Lu Han. It's a little like the Pull, the same warmth and numbness and it makes him frown when he looks at his soul mate and just feels boxed in.

He never wanted to feel caged, just held.

Lu Han is still looking at him, stopped eating when Jongdae glances up at him. "What?"

"If you aren't feeling well, we can stop," Lu Han tells him and it's so serious it catches Jongdae off guard. Lu Han's face tightens for a second, like he's about to frown or say something more and then he sighs, shaking his head a bit. "I can take you home if you feel like you can't make it on your own. Or want the company." He smiles and the returning tease has Jongdae's nerves twanging again, buzzing drastically.

"I'm not at that point yet," Jongdae replies and it isn't as strong as he wishes it had been, Lu Han's eyes glinting as he watches him for another moment.

"Well, feel free to let me know when you are," Lu Han tells him, and Jongdae jumps a bit when he feels something bump into his foot under the table. He doesn't wait before jerking back, kicking at Lu Han's foot and wincing when he connects with the table leg. "Careful," Lu Han tells him, voice laughing and it's unnerving to see him like Jongdae has become so used to seeing in him tennis shoes and casually uncaring now dressed up, handsome and mature.

"You started it," Jongdae snaps back. It sounds so childish, but Jongdae kind of feels childish. He's out of place, and Lu Han doesn't help.

Jongdae never asked for this, and when he looks up again after being met with silence, Lu Han's smile has faded to almost nothing.

It, if anything, makes him even more uncomfortable.

It is, by far, the worst date Jongdae has been on with Lu Han. It's the worst not because Lu Han screwed it up or the food was bad or it was dreadfully dull, but because absolutely nothing went wrong. It was the worst because it was so blatantly a date and it had Jongdae's nerves buzzing the whole time, washing back and forth. Lu Han has been impossibly polite, teasing less than usual, and the contrast has Jongdae almost reaching out to shake him and tell him to stop the act.

Because Lu Han isn't perfect. He's not a composed and put together person who pays carelessly for a dinner that is Jongdae's grocery bill for over a week.

Jongdae jumps when Lu Han's hand brushes his, the feeling almost electric and he practically curses. He's never heard of the Pull lasting this long but he still feels so on edge, skin tingling and with Lu Han standing so close he can smell the faint hint of cologne. It makes him a little dizzy amid the general exhaustion from the day and he pulls away almost instantly.

"What now?" Jongdae asks, looking just past Lu Han's shoulder rather than at him. The night is a little warmer than he thought and he can feel the extra weight from the day pressing into him just as Lu Han's eyes fix on him, his gaze the heaviest thing of all from today.

"Nothing," Lu Han says, and the sudden new tone in his voice has Jongdae finally looking at him full on.

"What?"

Lu Han always has something else to do, something up his sleeve, and a teasing quirk to his lips that makes Jongdae brace for impact.

None of that is there right now.

None.

Lu Han instead looks tired, unsmiling and his eyes don't read at all, shadowed in the evening. "I don't want to push you," he says, and this isn't right either. Lu Han is always pushing Jongdae, stepping into his personal space and grinning mischievously.

Jongdae opens his mouth to say Lu Han isn’t pushing him, and stops.

Lu Han isn’t pushing him. At all. He hasn’t been pushing since Jongdae was late to meet up and all night it’s just been still and the curling anticipation of Jongdae _waiting_ for Lu Han to get too close.

For Lu Han to screw up.

Lu Han lets out a soft sigh, his head dipping briefly as his hands slip into the pockets of his slacks. Lu Han doesn’t speak for a moment and Jongdae doesn’t know any words to say to him, thrown off guard never having seen Lu Han look like this. “If you didn't want to come out tonight, you could have just told me,” Lu Han says and the words hit hard into Jongdae’s chest. Lu Han lets out a soft laugh, shaking his head and squinting, looking anywhere but at Jongdae. “Ah, that came out a bit harsh.”

“Yeah,” Jongdae says, feeling a sting in his chest where that weight gets worse. Lu Han won’t look at him, instead anywhere but. “It was a bit.”

“Well, touché,” Lu Han says, and he doesn’t laugh at all. “What I guess I want to say is, if you really don’t want to come out and meet with me, then just tell me no.” Lu Han doesn’t look at Jongdae and the weight in his chest tightens like a winding spring,

“What?” The anger in Jongdae’s voice isn’t supposed to be there, but at the same time he feels a little justified by it. He may not have been perfect company but…

But he never has been.

Baekhyun’s voice from the other week drifts into his mind as he sees Lu Han shift a bit, staring over his left shoulder and _not_ at him.

_You know, Lu Han probably didn’t expect you to be his soul mate either._

The writhing in his stomach makes him sick, the food from dinner twisting along with a flare of guilt that he isn’t prepared for.

“Just tell me no,” Lu Han says, and finally looks at him. He doesn’t look serious, instead just shrugs and casual, expect his eyes are the deadest Jongdae has ever seen.

It’s like being completely cut off from Lu Han, his life pulled away and making Jongdae feel cold.

In the past few months, Lu Han has pursued him avidly, meeting him after work, surprising him when he’s free, taken him out for dinners and teased him. He’s acted interested in him and learned about him.

Jongdae just learned for the first time tonight what Lu Han’s job is.

Looking at him now, Jongdae can hear and see his friends, staring at him with various expressions on their faces all asking what’s so bad about Lu Han that Jongdae won’t give him a chance. That even after Jongdae said he would, he’s still been holding back and viewing everything Lu Han does with skepticism.

Lu Han doesn’t feel right, but right now Jongdae realizes that, at the moment, Lu Han isn’t the one who’s an asshole.

He is.

Jongdae has never seen Lu Han look like this, and Lu Han has been the one whose been learning about him and paying attention over the last few weeks, not Jongdae. Jongdae could very easily just nod and walk away, telling Lu Han no, and be done with it.

Thinking of Lu Han and the soul mate Jongdae expected would push him to do just that, the verification for all his behavior. Facing Lu Han now though, the chance right there to turn and end this and never have to see Lu Han again, Jongdae feels hollow.

Because Lu Han isn’t anything like the soul mate Jongdae wanted or thought he’d have and fell in love with before he met him. Lu Han is everything that is just out of place among that image.

Lu Han is also funny in a way that catches Jongdae off guard, weird but proud of it and speaks his mind and under all his jokes and mischief, he is kind.

The twisting in his chest gets worse as Jongdae realizes he doesn’t want to tell Lu Han no. It rises to a pitch when Lu Han sighs and shakes his head, turning away, showing Jongdae his back.

Jongdae doesn't want him to go, and he can’t explain exactly why, but he’s not ready to let go.

“But,” he says, the word falling out of his mouth ungracefully as Lu Han turns to look back at him. Jongdae doesn’t know how to read Lu Han, and he swallows, trying to think of what to do as the seconds being to stretch. He throws caution out the window as Lu Han’s expression begins to falter and says, “then who am I supposed to ask to pay for dinner?”

It’s lame, so very lame and stupid and Jongdae knows it. Lu Han knows it too, one eyebrow raising before he scoffs a bit. But he doesn’t walk away.

“I guess you’d just starve,” Lu Han says, shrugging.

“And you’d have to miss my fantastic company bitching at you through dinner,” Jongdae’s heart feels like it’s beating too fast in his chest, watching Lu Han closely.

Lu Han laughs, finally, and the sound is like a warm washing wave over Jongdae. It’s then he realizes Lu Han hasn’t laughed at all much all evening. It breaks the tension, and Jongdae feels almost weak as relief replaces the anxiety.

“You’re not always so bad,” Lu Han says, and some of the glint is back as he stays still, just a few feet from Jongdae.

“That’s not a very good compliment,” Jongdae tells him, his exhaustion returning and feeling much stronger now the writhing nerves in his belly have faded.

“That’s because it wasn’t a compliment,” Lu Han says and laughs when Jongdae frowns at him.

Tired, and trying to work through the tangled web of new revelations and thoughts in his head, Jongdae pushes it to the back of his mind. It’s a Friday, and he’s just had a very long day and a date that could have been enjoyable if he hadn’t chosen to be unhappy. “Do you like coffee?” he asks, figuring he may as well salvage some of this.

Lu Han’s eyes widen marginally, before a smile slowly spreads over his face. It’s a real smile, not one full of tricks and mischief and stretching his mouth too wide. It’s handsome, something that is a little hard to fully admit, but it is true. “I do,” he answers, and the life that has seeped back into his voice is warm.

“Okay,” Jongdae says and reaches out to brush his fingers to Lu Han’s arm, just hinting at following him. “I know a place.”

It’s uncharted waters, and Jongdae has no idea if he’s happy with his decision, but the fact remains that he’s not unhappy when he feels and hears Lu Han following him.

He doesn’t flinch away when Lu Han’s hand brushes his and it’s him asking the questions over the next hour over the coffee that he paid for. Lu Han argued, but looked softer in giving in when Jongdae shot him down.

When Jongdae gets home, it only takes him fifteen minutes before he remembers to dig out his phone and types a quick message.

_Home. Not dead._ Jongdae pauses for a moment before adding _Thank you for dinner tonight._ and pressing send.

He sees a message blinking on the alert light when he wanders from the bathroom a few minutes later, toothbrush stuck in his mouth.

_Pervert: 10:47 – You can just treat me to dinner next time and we’re even. Sleep well~_

For a moment, Jongdae considers calling Kyungsoo and asking him if he’s being stupid, but then realizes Kyungsoo will just tell him yes. It’d be easier to talk to Kyungsoo later, when he’s slept a bit and had some time to process.

When he’s had some time to let the shiver in his chest calm down.  


๑

  
His phone barely has time to quack before it’s snatched out of his hands by an eagerly grinning Baekhyun.

“Do you ever ask?” Jongdae sighs as Baekhyun flops back into Zitao’s side and tries to unlock his phone. “Seriously, how does Zitao put up with you?”

“Miracles,” Zitao says over Baekhyun’s head with a wide grin. Baekhyun slaps him on the thigh before he returns to trying to unlock Jongdae’s phone, tongue between his teeth.

“You’ll probably do better to just let him check the message before taking it from him,” Chanyeol points out, sitting down after returning from the bathroom. Kyungsoo sits up a bit to accommodate for him in the booth of the restaurant as Jongdae’s phone quacks again. “Then he’ll have done the work for you.”

“Stop helping him,” Jongdae drawls at Chanyeol, getting a grin as Chanyeol pulls his cola towards him. “I don’t need Baekhyun doing any more than he’s already done with this whole thing.”

“Whole thing?” Kyungsoo says, eyebrow raising. “You mean your relationship with Lu Han?”

The relationship that has Jongdae checking his phone more often, sending messages rather than just replying to them and letting himself smile at jokes. The relationship that has had him out on two more dates since that tense restaurant evening as Jongdae reminds himself that he wants Lu Han there.

It’s becoming rarer and rarer that he has to tell himself he wants him to be there, and the more he’s finally listening, the more Jongdae is stuck thinking with Chanyeol-voiced optimism.

Tonight is one of the first Friday’s in a while that Jongdae is out with his friends rather than hunkering down or finding himself meeting up with Lu Han. It’s different, but he doesn’t find himself disliking it.

“We lost him,” Baekhyun comments, knee jabbing into Jongdae’s painfully. “He’s off in thoughts about letting Lu Han touch him inappropriately.” Jongdae levels him with a look that speaks of no amusement. Baekhyun simply laughs.

“Hardly,” Jongdae responds, keeping his voice light. Baekhyun is only half right. He has a lot on his mind at the moment. His jobs, his paychecks, conversation at the moment, Lu Han, the laundry he has to do, Lu Han, how he still has to figure out what kind of job he wants to look for, the electric bill… and maybe Lu Han.

“Then what were you thinking about?” Zitao asks, craning a bit to look over Baekhyun’s head. Baekhyun is still frowning at Jongdae’s phone. The password has been changed more times in the past few weeks than usual, considering Lu Han has the same habit as Baekhyun in randomly snatching it from him.

Though, unlike Baekhyun, who reads all his emails and uses up his data, Lu Han instead tries to take ‘manly selcas’ for Jongdae to look at later and remember him by.

Jongdae had told him that was stupid. Lu Han had told him they could take the pictures together and Jongdae had been a bit shocked to find himself giving in and making a face as Lu Han leaned in close.

“Work,” Jongdae says instead of how many blurry pictures of his shocked face besides Lu Han’s he has on his phone. He has been thinking about work a lot lately, in all honesty. Considering he’s not thinking about finding his soul mate anymore, he ends up having a lot of brain space to think about other things. Like jobs, which he hadn’t realized until now is a significantly underappreciated aspect of his life. “You know, real adult things.”

“Really?” Kyungsoo actually looks impressed by him for once and he suddenly has Chanyeol’s complete attention. “What brought that on? Last I heard you were moaning about living among the books you shelve and sell.”

“I thought it was sinking to the depths of those dishwasher things,” Zitao says, frowning in confusion.

“Hobart?” Baekhyun prompts and Zitao gasps and nods enthusiastically. Baekhyun just grins and looks at Jongdae, his grin glinting a bit. “I told you Lu Han was good for you.”

Lately, Jongdae’s stomach has taken to crawling around a bit at the thought of Lu Han. Not because he’s got ‘flutters’, but it’s less uncomfortable spending time with him. It’s different, Lu Han not being as forward, but that kind of helps. Being around him now, even if it’s back to those casual dinners and walks and random suggestions of things to do, Jongdae doesn’t feel as caustic.

It helps as well that he’s pulling back himself, remembering that he _wants_ to keep seeing Lu Han, to _date_ him and spend time with him even if he’s unsure and feels dubious of Lu Han’s intentions more often than not. He remembers that, keeps telling himself that, and somehow each time he tells himself, he finds the need to decreasing steadily. The more he’s just begun to forget what made him uncomfortable in the first place. 

“What makes you think Lu Han has anything to do with my thinking about a job?” Jongdae asks. He doesn’t even bother reaching for his phone as Baekhyun tosses it between his hands. If Baekhyun drops it, he can just buy Jongdae a new one when it breaks.

“Because he just texted you to see if you had a date for that interview or not,” Baekhyun says with a grin and the jump in Jongdae’s chest has him lunging forward for his phone.

Laughing, Baekhyun curls back into his fiancé, Zitao letting out a shriek as Jongdae tries to wrestle his phone back. Opposite them, Kyungsoo just stares in disapproval as Chanyeol watches with varying degrees of interest on his face. “You have an interview?” Chanyeol asks as Jongdae tries to snatch his phone away before Baekhyun passes it to Zitao and it’s a lost cause.

“Lu Han knows you have an interview before we know you have an interview?” Kyungsoo asks, sounding even more shocked than Chanyeol had.

“Since-“ Jongdae grunts finally managing to grab his phone. Zitao smiles, having taken pity on him and pinned Baekhyun easily, finally giving him an opening. “Thanks,” Jongdae says and Zitao nods as Baekhyun turns to pout at him. “Well, maybe. He’s probably just checking dates.” Jongdae sighs, flopping back into the booth, phone in hand. “To see if I’m free or something.”

“You have an interview and you didn’t tell us?” Kyungsoo repeats, surprise full in his voice now. “Who are you?”

“I know, right?” Baekhyun says, grinning around the straw of his cola. “I told you I liked this guy. I’ve never met him and I totally approve of him. You should accept that you’re supposed to be together. The whole _fickle princess_ thing you’ve been playing has been really dumb. Just give in and embrace him and his perverted nature.”

Baekhyun grins widely, even as Jongdae wants to bristle and throw back he’s not giving into anything. Then he thinks of Lu Han smiling as he casually suggests a new training school for music that opened up downtown, or how the galleries might be looking for new staff. How Lu Han’s eyes flicker with promise and Jongdae doesn’t mind the proximity as much anymore and how Lu Han treats personal space like it only exists when he feels like it should.

“Sure,” Chanyeol laughs, leaning back and into Kyungsoo slightly, his arm slipping around Kyungsoo’s shoulders easily. “Just give in and embrace it. You can be like Baekhyun and Zitao over here.”

Jongdae simply raises an eyebrow at Kyungsoo’s overzealous boyfriend. “You mean fuck on other people’s beds?” he asks, watching as Chanyeol nods before he’s finished talking and Kyungsoo’s face goes a face pallid shade of ‘fuck no’.

Chanyeol is still nodding complacently when he begins to say “yes” and realizes what Jongdae has just said, which results in him ending in a yelped “no!” and Baekhyun snorting a laugh so violently he convulses. “No,” Chanyeol attempts to compose as Baekhyun continues to laugh avidly and Zitao is red and giggly, neither of them denying what Jongdae has just stated. “Not like them in that regard.”

“I like Jongdae dating Lu Han so much, he says even more fun shit now,” Baekhyun states jovially, raising his soda to cheers in Jongdae’s direction as he sags into Zitao as if he’s earned the privilege to.

“I thought you stopped doing that in college,” Kyungsoo says, looking extremely disapproving from across the table at Baekhyun and Zitao.

“It’s fun when you think things like that,” Baekhyun tells him. “It makes me so happy to see your face when you realize you’ve been wrong all along. It’s these little things in life that just bring me such joy.”

Kyungsoo’s expression threatens pain and premature wrinkles.

“But I promise we haven’t touched your bed,” Zitao launches in before Kyungsoo can attack his devilishly grinning fiance. “We know better.”

Jongdae doesn’t ask, doesn’t really want to know if his bed has been touched. In all honestly, he’s pretty sure they have some sort of unspoken contest with some of their friends, but Jongdae has made the wise decision to never press the subject.

“Good,” Kyungsoo says firmly, his fingers tightening around a fork. “You two are an example Jongdae shouldn’t follow.”

“Except how we’re a happy couple and getting married,” Zitao points out, looking a bit haughty as Baekhyun lets him take over the conversation, knowing once the relationship topic is brought up, Zitao wins. He wins every time. “And are basically a model for all of those who know us about a true loving pair-”

“In all regards to the term,” Baekhyun interjects with a grin.

“- that most would dream to aspire to considering,” Zitao finishes, lacing his fingers with Baekhyun’s and holding them over Baekhyun’s stomach. He turns to Jongdae, and the smile on his face is the same one that has Jongdae usually trying not to engage Zitao in deep romantic discussions that always used to end up teary. “I hope you and Lu Han do end up as happy as we are,” he tells him, and something twists _hard_ in Jongdae’s stomach. “I hope you both can have what Baekhyun and I have.”

“Lots of sex,” Baekhyun says and earns a roll of eyes (which is somehow affectionate) as Zitao scoffs and slaps him, shoving him off to go back to his meal. Baekhyun just laughs, hands on his fiance as Kyungsoo makes a point to breathe through his nose and Chanyeol watches with a soft smile on his face.

Apparently no one is aware of how Jongdae isn’t hungry anymore, and how he isn’t sure if he wants to grab his phone and go through the messages and to calm himself down or make a small mountain out of the remainder of his food. After all, the others at the table aren’t inside his head and listening to the jumbled stream of thoughts in his head.

“So you have an interview?” Chanyeol manages to pull back the conversation from bickering Baekhyun and Zitao as Kyungsoo gets increasingly exasperated with them both. He’s smiling brightly at Jongdae, offering him a way out.

“Yeah,” Jongdae grabs onto the topic like a lifeline, because even if Lu Han _maybe_ is part of why he has the interview, this isn’t about Lu Han. “I do.”

“That’s great!” Chanyeol says, and his smile is wide, creasing his face and genuine as he looks at him across the table. “I hope it works out for you!”

Jongdae smiles back, even as his stomach maybe does do that annoying flutter thing as he remembers Lu Han’s reaction when he told him and how his smile had been just as impressive. How Jongdae told himself he was excited about the interview, and that’s why his breathing hitched.

That’s why.  


๑

  
For once, Jongdae feels slightly nervous standing outside of the subway station exit. Saturday dates aren’t unfamiliar at this point, usually Lu Han and himself making plans for the weekend fairly early in the week to make sure that things didn't get messed up (and probably as a result of Jongdae’s initial avoidance of interaction), but today he has literally no clue what they’re doing.

Before, this was just something that annoyed him, but since he finally pulled back and has been making a significant effort to not be an asshole, most of the dates he’s had with Lu Han have been them making plans together. So when Jongdae asked what Lu Han had in mind for Saturday and Lu Han just cocked his head to the side with a mischievous grin and said _nothing_ , Jongdae felt his stomach jerk in an all too familiar fashion.

Now, it’s currently doing a series of exercises at random moments, Jongdae checking his phone and wondering what the hell Lu Han actually has in mind for day. Jongdae is pretty sure if he actually flat out told Lu Han to tell him, he probably would, but a part of him, the part he’s still getting used to, is kind of excited and curious to see what Lu Han has planned.

It’s a dramatic turnaround from the first times he would meet up with Lu Han, the twist in his stomach still jittery but for different reasons. It fades slightly when he catches sight of Lu Han, hair pushed back from his face carelessly and sunglasses in place, looking at easy and smiling as he walks out of the station to him. Seeing Lu Han and not feeling more nervous is a nice change, but the comfortable ease is still something he’s getting used to feeling around Lu Han.

“So,” Jongdae says when Lu Han draws level with him. “What are we doing on this date of yours?”

Date. It’s gone from making him cringe and want to step back to waiting for something to happen, for Lu Han to step closer and begin pushing that line again. He hasn’t, and Jongdae isn’t sure if he’s annoyed at himself for wanting him to, or because he knows the reason Lu Han hasn’t is because he told him not to.

“Stuff,” Lu Han says, eyebrows raising behind his sunglasses. “And then probably eating before more stuff. Date stuff, you know, ‘coz we’re dating.”

“That would be the point,” Jongdae says, eyebrow raised as Lu Han walks on, glancing back with indication for Jongdae to follow.

“Besides, what’s the fun if I can’t see the look of surprise on your face when you see what we’re doing?” Lu Han’s grin is wide, and Jongdae is sure if he could see his eyes, they’d be glinting.

“Seeing my happy expression when I am not contemplating the possibility of you taking me to a sleazy bar,” Jongdae suggests.

“I could happily change up our plans for that,” Lu Han says, head cocking. “If you’d prefer we go to a sleazy bar, that could definitely be arranged.”

“Pass,” Jongdae says. It’s taken a bit of getting used to, but the banter between them has stopped getting under his skin. In some ways, it reminds him of how he talks to Baekhyun, while it also is so definitely just his and Lu Han’s interaction. Just them. “Save that for next time,” he adds absently and Lu Han’s laugh has a small smile wanting to creep over his mouth.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Lu Han says, pushing his hair back from his face. He looks good today, not over dressed but just casual. Comfortable. “And I promise we aren’t going anywhere scary today.” His mouth twitches, as if he knows of a joke Jongdae has yet to hear the punch line for. “Hardly scary at all, really.”

Jongdae just raises his eyebrows in reply and Lu Han’s smile spreads full.

“Promise,” Lu Han says, stepping close and Jongdae doesn’t step away in time before Lu Han’s shoulder knocks his gently. Rather than being annoying or invasive though, he just is left feeling oddly amused, the teasing smile still on Lu Han’s face finally pulling his own smile out.

It ends up being far less of anything that Jongdae might have expected when he sees Lu Han turn towards the establishment which is apparently their destination.

“Seriously?” Jongdae asks, looking around in genuine surprise at the extremely chinky looking mini-golf.

“When was the last time you went mini-golfing?” Lu Han asks, unfaltering as he walks up to the counter and angles himself so he’s still talking to Jongdae. “C’mon, it’ll be fun.”

Jongdae severely doubts this, considering mini-golf feels like one of the lamest things to do on a date. Maybe for kids, it's a fun experience, but he grew out of it about ten years ago. Lu Han steps ahead, talking to the staff teenager behind the register as Jongdae watches and feels horrifically conspicuous.

It looks mostly deserted, the area about fifteen holes and scattered with a few ‘traps’ and ‘obstacles’. From here he can see one windmill and one wishing well, but other than that, it mostly just looks like weird lawn ornamentation and grass turf.

“Yo,” startles him out of his judgment along with a nudge to his shoulder. Turning, Jongdae is met with Lu Han smiling at him and holding out a golf club to him.

One of the child sized bright orange plastic golf clubs that is barely longer than his forearm.

“Ha ha,” Jongdae says dryly. “I’m not that short,” he says but then his derision dies as Lu Han holds up his own bright green plastic kiddie sized golf club and waves it, his smile broadening. “You can’t be serious.”

“So very serious,” Lu Han says, waving the golf club in front of his face before stepping back. “C’mon, let’s see if you can beat me.”

“How do we even putt with these things?” Jongdae asks, trying to cough down the sardonic laugh at the situation.

“Don’t worry,” Lu Han says, reaching up and patting Jongdae a few times on the back, his hand lingering for only a moment. “I’ll teach you.” He grins wide before flashing the score card. “What does the winner get?”

Jongdae almost snaps back “nothing” but it sticks in his throat, his eyes falling briefly to Lu Han’s mouth before rising back to where Lu Han’s eyes are hidden behind his sunglasses. “Loser has to buy whatever is next,” Jongdae says instead.

For a moment, it looks like Lu Han wants to protest, but then he just nods firmly and steps back. “All right,” he says and his hand falls away completely, leaving the place it had rested on Jongdae’s shoulder slightly cold.

Apparently, mini golf is serious. At least that’s how Lu Han introduces it with a stone face as he pushes his sunglasses up his face before stepping up to the putting plate with his bright green golf ball and nearly bends in half. Bent over, elbows crooked, and childish miniature putter fitting behind the golf ball, Lu Han looks entirely ridiculous.

“Lookin’ good,” Jongdae can’t help himself from saying as Lu Han lines up the shot, looking back and forth between the first hole (which is literally a straight shot from the putting plate to the hole) and his golf ball.

Lu Han looks back at him, pausing, before he reaches up with one hand to pull his sunglasses down slightly so Jongdae can see his eyes. When he grins and wags his eyebrows suggestively, Jongdae laughs, having to look away as Lu Han’s smile widens and he gives his hips a little wiggle.

“Watch closely,” Lu Han tells him, leveling him with a pointed look. “This is an important strategy. There will be a practical exam later.”

“Of course,” Jongdae says, giving up as Lu Han wiggles his hips again, more exaggeratedly this time. Despite looking completely ridiculous, when Lu Han finally makes the putt, he gets a hole in one.

Straightening up, Lu Han tosses his bangs from his face, cocking his head to the side and adopting a cocky swagger to his walk as he strides back, swinging up the kiddie putter to rest on his shoulder. Walking directly back to Jongdae, he nearly leans into his personal space before sweeping around him, offering a haughty “your turn,” into Jongdae’s ear.

It leaves Jongdae feeling a bit warm as he walks up to the putting plate, not entirely sure if he should be throwing back a snarky comment or a smile or hitting Lu Han with his plastic golf club. When he glances back, wondering at how to putt when he’s using a mini putter and feeling stupid, Lu Han is watching him with a softer smile on his face.

It catches Jongdae a little off guard, to see Lu Han’s face relaxed like that, and somehow it doesn’t make him nervous. Lu Han catches his eye, and his smile turns a bit, one eyebrow raising and Jongdae feels like he falls into place. “Don’t get too cocky,” he tells Lu han, late on the uptake. “I’m a champion at mini-golf.”

Well, he used to be, when he played against his family and Jongdeok was about as dedicated to mini-golf as the earth is at breaking the mold and orbiting the moon.

Just now Jongdae isn’t the right size to crawl through the trick tube and to hold the child putter. Despite that, after a bit of deliberation and finally just deciding ‘screw it,’ Jongdae and ended up shooting a hole in one himself.

If he ended up stretching his legs as far as they would go and nearly falling over, that would be something that didn’t need to mention. If he ended up using the putter to push himself up before Lu Han, laughing, came over and pull him up, arm slipping around his waist for a moment and fitting snug, Jongdae also won’t mention that.

Or how he smiled without thinking when he saw Lu Han’s still laughing face.

“See?” Lu Han says, leaning a bit close and jerking his chin towards the next hole (this one has a few weird bumps in the grass turf and a lot of garden gnomes scattered around). “Not that hard after all.”

“Especially for a champion,” Jongdae says, raising himself just a bit, finding himself looking up at Lu Han and it makes his stomach jump, skin tingle.

“And definitely not for a master,” Lu Han replies, and presses just gently to the small of Jongdae’s back, pressing him forward. “Should be some hard competition.” When Jongdae looks at him, he’s got a slight glint in his eye. It reminds him of other random comments Lu Han has made that jerked into Jongdae, expecting them from Baekhyun who makes anything sound suggestive and never quite sure with Lu Han.

_Coffee Pervert_ filters in a lame half hearted wiggle though Jongdae’s mind, but it takes almost a frighteningly small amount of effort before he’s shoved it back. Stomped it down. Because he _isn’t_ even if Jongdae’s skin still tickles when Lu Han’s fingers linger too long on his arm, his waist, his wrist, or brush the back of his neck faintly.

It keeps happening, and Jongdae waits for them now, the soft touches and gentle nudges from Lu Han, slipping back and around him. It’s a bit strange, to try to learn how to interact with Lu Han (which Jongdae has been doing) and realize Lu Han is doing the same with him. Except Lu Han keeps smiling wider and his eyes shine a little brighter and Jongdae feels nervous with jelly wiggling in his belly.

On hole number nine, he’s unable to make a proper putt as Lu Han ends up romping around the obstacles (three twisty loops that Lu Han attempts to prop himself on and does a spectacular job of failing at).

On hole number twelve, Jongdae gets him back for being distracting by lounging on the wishing well. He smirks as Lu Han screws up his face, obviously finding the shot harder than usual with his butt stuck out and his eyes flashing up to Jongdae more than the actual course.

“Don’t miss,” Jongdae tells him, swinging his mini putter in front of the hole Lu Han has to get his golf ball through. “Don’t want to mess up that perfect record of yours by missing a hole.”

“I rarely miss,” Lu Han says and as Jongdae catches his smirk he feels himself flush with the implication there.

Lu Han doesn’t make the shot. Jongdae’s face feels a little hotter as, instead of even attempting to get a good score, Lu Han instead just whacks away at the golf ball until finally slapping it into the hole after putt thirty.

“I think you lost,” Jongdae tells him, marking down a curvy thirty three on their score card.

“No, I think I’m doing pretty well,” Lu Han says, leaning in and smiling still. 

Jongdae swallows but doesn’t tell him no. He stiffens a few moments later when, instead of screwing around the course when it’s Jongdae’s turn, Lu Han quietly waits beside him, watching Jongdae struggle to line up the shit. He jumps when something, or, more specifically someone, presses against his back.

“You need to give it a soft nudge,” Lu Han says, leaning against Jongdae’s back and practically wrapping around him. Jongdae keeps in the gasp in his throat as Lu Han shifts, chest pressing to his shoulder blades and hands brushing against his arms as his breath ghosts against his ear. “Don’t force it.”

Jongdae wants to turn around and snap at him to stop, but also wants to turn around and forget the game of mini golf all together, which makes him just conflicted and the shot even harder. Lu Han’s breath ghosting against the shell of his ear as he practically wraps around him but doesn’t properly _touch_ has Jongdae missing the shot entirely.

Lu Han doesn’t laugh, but his smile is probably for more than victory on making Jongdae mess up. “That was sabotage,” Jongdae tells him, brandishing his putter.

Raising his own putter like a sword, Lu Han just grins. “I play to win,” he says with a bite to his lip and a raise to his eyebrows.

The mini golf course would typically take a person about twenty minutes to go through entirely at a normal pace. It takes Jongdae and Lu Han, who have completely forsaken the concept of playing by the rules by halfway and just try to screw up the shots and goof off.

At the last hole, Jongdae is breathless with laughter, giddy and with a score card with a picture of an octopus for one of the tallies. “We’ll just say I won,” Lu Han says. Jongdae forgoes protesting as he lines up for the prize shot and shakes his hair from his face before smacking the ball as hard as he can when bent in half.

Neither of them get a prize, and the final score on their card ends up being written as _LU HAN OVER 9000_ in crappy pencil. He doesn’t mention a prize, though it sticks in the back of Jongdae’s mind as he wonders if it will come up. 

In all honesty, if Jongdae lets himself think beyond the banter and the light conversation and the way the sun feels pleasant against his skin in the later evening, he’s having fun. A lot of fun. He honestly can’t remember the last time he went on a date like this, or did something like this, where he stopped thinking and just was, well, silly.

And when he turns to see Lu Han watching him, Jongdae doesn’t feel unsettled and annoyed, but nervous and kind of teasing himself. “What?”

“Your smile,” Lu Han says, and his hand brushes against Jongdae’s gently, making his skin tingle again. It keeps doing it, and Jongdae tries to push down the voice wondering if it’s real or a latent Pull. “I really like seeing you smile like that.”

Jongdae blinks. “Like what?”

“Like you’re really having fun,” Lu Han says, and his voice is a little softer. “I like seeing you happy. And your face gets all wrinkled so you look like an old person when you smile; it’s cute.”

Jongdae’s words stick in his throat, because Lu Han isn’t teasing him and he isn’t joking making fun of him. “Thanks,” he says, because Lu Han has just complimented him in an ambiguously insulting way in the same manner as commenting on the weather.

Lu Han just smiles himself, and Jongdae feels that writhe in his chest that pushes just a bit too tight.

Lu Han doesn’t tell him where they are going next either, instead just asking absently if Jongdae had done anything with his interview advice. Lu Han is in the middle of transitioning to another company, absently talking about it, laughing about how his coworkers tell him they’ll miss him for the company soccer games. Laughing that that’s probably all they’ll miss him for.

Jongdae watches him as he talks, noticing the way his eyes light up or dim and how his mouth tugs in a smile when he thinks of something fond. Jongdae watches how Lu Han will steal glances at him, how he holds himself tall but not too cocky. They walk at the same pace, a faster walk than a stroll and Jongdae wants to reach out to Lu Han’s unpierced ear and tug at it, until Lu Han stops talking and just looks at him.

It scares Jongdae a little how he wants to do this, because he can’t explain why he wants to do this, just that he does.

“Your turn,” startles Jongdae out of his thoughts about Lu Han’s ears when Lu Han’s hand brushes his elbow and he looks around.

It’s kind of one of those large open markets, the ones he sees with Kyungsoo and Baekhyun and just hanging out, the scattered stalls all filled with random goods and odd trinkets. He’s seen them, and remembers going as a kid, but hadn’t expected to come again, and especially not now. Lu Han is watching him, carefully waiting.

“My turn for what?” Jongdae asks, tearing his eyes from a woman apparently selling various scented creams to look at him.

“To buy,” Lu Han says and jerks his head to the side of them where a man is watching them looking curious and hopeful under a sign that says ‘Ice Cream’.

“You really planned everything out didn’t you?” Jongdae asks, glancing up at Lu Han as he steps forward. “First mini golf and now open markets and frozen dairy confections.”

“I’ll have chocolate,” Lu Han tells him, grin not faltering and his eyes dancing. Always dancing today. “Please,” he adds, voice softer, and somehow it makes him feel his cheeks heat.

Somehow, though Jongdae has gone to stores and spent more time joking and fooling around with them than he has mini golfing, it’s more subdued. He finds himself actually getting interested in the stalls, Lu Han pushing him along, the two of them quietly going between chatting and eating. Jongdae doesn’t notice until he looks up and can’t find Lu Han how used to having him right next to him he is.

Before he can open his mouth though, a hand slips around his and Lu Han’s voice is coming from beside him, saying “here,” and Jongdae’s heart flutters. “What’s up?”

Jongdae almost fumbles, forgetting what it was he wanted to show Lu Han before he shakes himself and looks down to the trinkets, and calls Lu Han’s attention to them, earning a smile.

It isn’t until they’re three booths away that Jongdae realizes Lu Han never let go of his hand, instead fingers slipping around his lightly and holding him. Allowing for him to pull away. He realizes it when he goes to grab a hat and shove it on Lu Han’s head, grinning in preemptive amusement and the sudden loss has him pausing.

Lu Han laughs though as Jongdae pushes the hat on his head though, Jongdae joining in and choking to a stop when Lu Han puts a headband on his head in return with large pink fluffy ears. “Pink suits you better,” he says.

“It’s my favorite color,” Jongdae says, and Lu Han doesn’t scoff, instead just smiling as he pulls the hat from his head.

When Lu Han reaches for him again, Jongdae thinks it’s to take the headband back, the smile on his lips amused. He freezes when instead, Lu Han’s finger shoves at his mouth and swipes, leaving him sputtering and stepping back as Lu Han gives him an amused look. . “You had some ice cream still there,” he says.

Jongdae wets his lips without realizing it, frowning and feeling a little thrown by Lu Han reaching out and _wiping food from his face_ so casually. Like it was just something he did on a daily basis. “So you just let me walk around with food on my face for the last half hour without telling me?” Jongdae asks, glancing at him as he pulls the headband from his head.

Lu Han lets out a chuckle, stepping back and waiting for Jongdae to join him as they walk from the booth. “Yeah, basically,” Lu Han says, slipping into his side, his personal space, like he belongs there. It’s… comfortable. “It was kind of funny, not going to lie.”

“Glad I can count on you,” Jongdae grumbles, making to shove Lu Han back and it ends up half hearted. He tries to fight down the smile at Lu Han’s laugh and brief jump away, but it doesn’t quite work. Jongdae ends up smiling anyway, ducking his head a little because it’s… fun.

“You can,” Lu Han says, and Jongdae looks up to one of those softer smiles, like the one he caught on Lu Han’s face back at the mini golf course. He doesn’t pull away when he feels Lu Han’s hand brush his as they walk again, instead tentatively hooking their fingers together. Glancing to the side, he sees Lu Han’s smile widen a bit, and it’s nice.

Lu Han doesn’t let go as they stroll through the market, laughing and chatting and hands held warm together. Jongdae doesn’t really want him to, instead still smiling as Lu Han grimaces as he shows him strange things they find and they goof off. It’s fun, and Jongdae doesn’t realize how much time has passed, that it’s dark, until Lu Han tugs him to dinner with their connected hands.

It’s a little like being breathless, but also like nothing at all. Certainly, Jongdae isn’t being swept off his feet into the fairytale if his dreams, Lu Han by far the strangest adaptation of prince charming ever, but the skips in his heart and the smile still on his face have him wondering.

When Lu Han’s hand leaves his as they go to a small restaurant for dinner, nothing elaborate just good food, Jongdae misses it. When Lu Han offers him part of his own dinner only to laugh and pull it back, Jongdae doesn’t feel strange kicking him under the table and grouching at him.

Instead, it’s a kind of settling of the nervousness that Jongdae had expected to feel around Lu Han. It’s like the jump against his skin only happens when he’s waiting for something else, and instead it starts to feel more like warmth and contentment. He doesn’t understand all of Lu Han, still stumbling over some of his jokes, but he likes him.

Jongdae likes him.

“You’re warming up to me,” startles Jongdae from glancing out at the small street their restaurant is on. Lu Han is watching him, sitting back in his chair and one of those softer smiles on his face.

“I’m what?” Jongdae asks, frowning a bit as the previous crawl in his chest instead settles in a warm hum. He wishes it would make up his mind.

“You’re,” Lu Han screws up his face for a moment before he leans forward, reaching over just a bit so his fingers land a few inches from Jongdae’s. “You’re more comfortable around me. You weren’t at first, and I thought-“ Jongdae watches as his lips press together, eyes flickering between his own. “But it’s nice. You being all not prickly. Warming up, I guess.”

That warmth, the soft humming contentment that both is breathless and comfortable begins to spread though Jongdae as Lu Han’s fingers tap against his, as if asking permission. “Yeah well,” he says, before clearing his throat, trying to keep the jump from his voice. “Don’t get too excited though.” He fails in fighting down his smile as he lets their hands lace together.

He fails at holding back his smile when Lu Han’s own beams at him and his heart does a bouncy thing he’s sure it hasn’t done before.

It does it again when, an hour later, Lu Han doesn't take him home quite yet, and instead leans over as they walk and pauses, looking more nervous than Jongdae has seen him before. “What?” he asks, even as he thinks he knows and involuntarily holds Lu Han’s hand tighter.

Lu Han’s left hand with his right hand and the pads of his fingers tingle gently as his eyes flicker to Lu Han’s mouth, open slightly.

“I have some stuff I need to get done this week for work,” Lu Han says, and doesn’t pull back. “I’ll be busy.”

_I won’t be able to see you_ Jongdae finally realizes he’s saying and it feels like another slip into place in a puzzle that he didn’t think fit. Maybe he’s not looking at a puzzle at all.

“Oh,” is all Jongdae ends up saying, which leaves him feeling a little lame. “That’s fine.” Chanyeol’s words, Amber’s words, even Baekhyun’s words swim back to him, telling him that things go two ways, to give him and let himself fall into this and _give in_ despite how parts of Jongdae look at Lu Han and are displaced, odd.

Like now, looking at Lu Han, Jongdae isn’t sure if he wants to turn and walk away and get air or step closer and see what would happen.

The idea of not seeing Lu Han for over a week both fine and also making his skin itch and his stomach drop down too low to still exist in his body. Not seeing Lu Han when he’s become so used to him, when he’s been so distracted today by enjoying himself and Lu Han that he forgot that the reason he’s here with Lu Han at all.

Because they’re soul mates.

Because he likes Lu Han.

Because…

“What about next weekend?” Jongdae asks, and it feels too fast, but maybe Lu Han is right. Jongdae is warming up to him, and likes spending time with him, and wants to hold his hand and a part of him wishes that the winner of the mini-golf game got a kiss rather than had to pay for the next event.

When Lu Han looks back at him, it’s warm, and relieved, and it somehow makes Jongdae even more nervous, a quivering in his chest. “If you’re free.”

“I’ll see what I can do with my schedule,” Jongdae says, a default reply as he pushes down the shudders in his tummy. “You know, I have so much going on usually.”

Lu Han laughs, and it’s soft and does nothing to help with the whole situation going on in Jongdae’s tummy. “I know,” he says, and Jongdae stops breathing as he reaches up, leaning too close, to brush Jongdae’s hair from his forehead.

So close.

Jongdae can practically see the pores on Lu Han’s skin and the patch of hair he missed shaving that morning and can’t breathe as his heart bounces in between his lungs and renders them temporary disabled.

That night, Lu Han doesn’t kiss him, instead making to pull back and continue about the date that hadn’t felt so much as a date as just a mash of fun things Jongdae enjoyed far more than he’d admit.

Instead, Jongdae leaned forward and briefly pressed his lips to Lu Han’s and held his breath as nothing happened and there were no fireworks at all. It was just a kiss.

A kiss that ended quickly and got a surprised but not displeased look before Lu Han smiled and his fingers tightened around Jongdae’s and didn’t repeat as they parted.

A kiss that stuck in Jongdae’s mind and had him flopping into his couch as per standard after getting home and burying himself in the cushions as he told himself it was _just_ a _kiss_.

His phone quacks and Jongdae checks it as he drags his shirt off and sighs, trying to calm down the tingle in his fingers and the urge to touch his lips. Jongdae is nearing thirty, not thirteen. 

_Pervert 9:23 I hope you got home alright. Today was fun. And you should know, in those jeans, you look like you actually have an ass. Xoxo_

Jongdae doesn’t smile and look giddy when he type back _well then at least one of us has an ass to show off_ and presses send.

Jongdae definitely doesn't touch his mouth a few times before going to sleep. He doesn’t think of Lu Han before falling asleep.

He tells himself this as he falls asleep with the lingering feeling of Lu Han’s hand in his and that soft sweeter smile ghosting through his head and ponders if maybe he’s more than just ‘warmed up’.  


๑

  



	2. Honeymoon Stage

  


๑

  
Uniform clothing for interviews is always just as bad as interviews themselves. The white collared shirts and the tight slacks and the feeling of anxiety that always seems to be the top coat over skin.

“Interviews are supposed to scare the ever living fuck out of you,” Baekhyun drawls into his ear, voice muffled as he’s in the middle of eating something. Baekhyun hasn’t been polite enough to tell him what and Jongdae figures he’s better off not knowing. “It’s important, because then they can see how you hold up under pressure.”

“Baekhyun, I’m not interviewing to join the bomb squad, I hardly need nerves of steel,” Jongdae tries to keep himself calm, palm pressed gently over the center of his chest where he can feel his tension building, pressing up and making it harder to breathe.

“You never know,” Baekhyun says as Jongdae frowns at his reflection and tries to fix his hair again because it just won’t _stay_. “Maybe there will suddenly be a run by bombing and you’ll have to dig out those latent super powers and save the day. Land the job just like that.”

“Why did I call you,” Jongdae half sighs, half whines as he steps back from the mirror. He feels like his nerves are going to snap. This is almost as bad as the job fair Chanyeol had signed him up for.

Except this time Lu Han isn’t here to spill coffee in his lap and feel him up.

Jongdae blinks when he remembers it, and instead of annoyance and irritation, the memory has no emotion, the whole thing numbed. He swallows down a tightening throat when he realizes the _memory_ is completely uncharged, but the idea of Lu Han being here somehow lessens the balloon of dread in his sternum.

“Because I’m your best friend,” Baekhyun provides when Jongdae trails off. He sounds confused, like he was waiting for Jongdae to remind him how shit he is at pep talks.

“You should learn to be more like your fiancé,” Jongdae stumbles to recover, running his hands under cold water, focusing on that instead of the presentation he has to give. About himself. Which is basically a slightly glamorized version of _please, please hire me or I might suffer a nervous breakdown_. “Zitao is great at comforting people.”

“I comfort plenty,” Baekhyun replies easily, and Jongdae is pretty sure the next part of this sentence is going to be sexual.

“Clearly your methods are specific,” Jongdae interrupts because Baekhyun adds something like ‘with my dick’ to complete his job of being decidedly rude when Jongdae needs reassurance. “I’m going to hang up now.”

“And call Kyungsoo so you can whine at him instead?” Baekhyun says and Jongdae closes his eyes to breathe because he _doesn’t_ whine. “Or Lu Han. You could call Lu Han and whine at him. I bet he’d love to hear you whine.”

“Goodbye, Baekhyun,” Jongdae tells his best friend firmly, taking the phone away before he can hear Baekhyun digress into how he thinks Jongdae and Lu Han’s relationship has progressed.

Hand still under the cold water, Jongdae tries to let himself focus on it rather than the watch on his wrist ticking down to when he has to go sell himself to a company to get paid. Sleeves pushed up to keep from getting wet, Jongdae’s eyes draw to his left wrist, and it feels a little strange to check it now when he hasn’t in months.

There was a time when he’d be checking every day, but now there’s not point.

Jongdae knows who his soul mate is, Lu Han’s small note this morning on his phone waking him up and wishing him luck.

His throat is tight and too dry when Jongdae swallows down, wetting his lips as he turns off the faucet and goes to dry his hands. He not sure if it makes the feeling in his chest worst or better when he thinks of Lu Han. It would be nice to have him here, somehow Jongdae wanting Lu Han there, now, hand on his back and rubbing gently down his arms, soothing the tension out of him.

Lu Han would say something stupid, probably crack a joke, and then make a comment about interviews that didn’t make a ton of sense and Jongdae could call him out on it. Lu Han might laugh, or be quiet, and just squeeze his hand and Jongdae wants him there.

The air in his chest hitches when he arrives at that realization; he wants Lu Han here with him, right now.

It feels so weird, to think like that, to have the idea of wanting Lu Han here, now, of being the person who he need when he’s stressed and scared. He wonders, as he stares at himself in the mirror and tells his heart to stop quivering like a timid bunny, if this is something similar to the Pull.

The Pull is what brings two soul mates together, gives them they sort of final drag to each other as their bodies indicate that they’re to be together, and it’s supposed to fade after that. Perhaps now it something similar, and that this is the bond, whatever they have, reaching out for Lu Han to help him calm down when he’s so stressed. He knows Baekhyun will remark about how sometimes he’s the only one who can get through to Zitao when he’s upset and how Chanyeol seems to need to hold onto Kyungsoo when he’s nervous and Kyungsoo relaxes when they’re together.

He remembers when Kyungsoo refused to sleep during a crunch period for work and he only relented when Chanyeol showed up and dragged him back, carefully folding him in his arms amid angered hits until he went limp. Jongdae had never seen Kyungsoo calm down so fast, and he’d been so jealous at the time.

That’s what it is, Jongdae tells himself, breathing out as he closes his eyes, focusing on his nerves and the interview and now the ghosting feeling of Lu Han’s hand in his. It’s not _really_ him that wants Lu Han here, it’s the Pull, the stress and anxiety built up so much that he wants Lu Han to calm him down.

Maybe this will happen to Lu Han too.

Opening his eyes, Jongdae checks his watch again, knowing that he should go now, despite how his heart is rabbiting in his chest. Pushing down the urge to pick up his phone and press into his contact lists, Jongdae pockets it, and swallows down whatever nerves he can, and walks out.

Focus.  


๑

  
“I do not think we need to have them in ivory.”

“No, see this, this is where you’re wrong,” Zitao is saying, frowning as his shoulders slump a bit in exasperation. “They should be in ivory. White is too stark and boring.”

“Why not make them black?” Baekhyun suggests and Zitao rolls his eyes, dropping his hands as if just giving up entirely. “Like, black with silver lettering.”

“And spend the entire budget on paper and ink,” Zitao sighs as Jongdae just watches, the quiet apparently helpful observer. “Sure Baekhyun, great idea.”

“What if we made it metallic red?” Baekhyun asks, a smirk spreading over his face. “It would look really cool.”

“Yeah, if you’re inviting people to a high class strip club,” Jongdae finally adds, taking a bit of pity on Zitao who looks far more frazzled about this than his fiancé. Apparently, Baekhyun’s way of dealing with wedding stress is to treat it like it’s the next best joke. “I’m with Zitao on the ivory.”

Zitao beams at him.

“Well, I’m so glad this is your wedding,” Baekhyun retorts, leaning over the boxes of small assorted cards and squinting. “Please be sure to give me my own invitation though, don’t include me in that whole ‘the family of’ shit I want a proper invite on perfumed pink paper.”

Zitao laughs at that, a nice break from the amount of fussing and nit picking over details that he’s been coiling up in tension about for the past two hours. Why Jongdae agreed to help them on his free Saturday morning instead of lounge around in his underpants at home, he has no idea.

Baekhyun should probably give him an award for the massive amounts of tolerance he’s exhibiting right now for the squabbling couple over envelopes and invitation cards.

“Tell you what, why don’t you just use the black paper and red metallic ink for your bachelors parties and choose like a normal eggshell for the invites?” Jongdae suggests, trying to get them back on track. In all honesty, Jongdae loves his best friend and his fiancé. He’s always been closer with Baekhyun, but Zitao is an absolute sweetheart to Jongdae and everyone else.

If he didn’t see how they both always managed to light up around each other, Jongdae would wonder how they worked together, but they always have. Somehow, it feels strange to be helping them with their wedding, considering in Jongdae’s mind they’ve been as good as married since Zitao finally graduated high school and he and Baekhyun almost immediately moved in together.

“Except you and Kyungsoo are organizing my Bachelors party for me,” Baekhyun reminds with a twisted look. “I expect strippers.” He laughs and yelps with Zitao punches him and Jongdae finds himself laughing, almost missing the sound of his ringtone.

Quickly excusing himself, Jongdae checks the number and feels his breath catch. “Yes, hello?” he answers, trying to sound calm and in check as he puts the phone to his ear, walking away quickly from the curious looks of his friends.

“Yes, is this Jongdae Kim?” asks the professional but cheerful voice on the other end of the line.

“Speaking.” Phone formalities somehow made him feel more formal and stuffy than those graduation banquets where he had to network with awkward trustees. “What can I do for you?”

“I’m glad I caught you, Mr. Kim,” Jongdae bites his lip, trying to not let his mind run wild with how this call is going to end. “I am calling on behalf of Twined Pendulums Music about the position you applied for.”

“Yes?” Jongdae doesn’t understand why there has to be a pause here.

“We’d like to offer you the position.”

Jongdae feels a bit childish that his immediate thought is of hyperactive joy and the next of Chanyeol fist pumping to the bolded letters ‘REAL PERSON ADULT JOB’ but that’s his reality. “Thank you,” stammers out and he feels like his smile just keeps getting bigger. The woman on the other end of the line can certainly hear it in his voice as she seems to be so amused by his replies.

“Who was that?” Zitao asks, looking curious and holding up a selection of invitation cards.

“Did you just get laid over the phone, why are you so happy?” Baekhyun asks, thumbing through a few envelopes. “Or was that Lu Han? I can’t tell these days you’ve become such a mixed bag.”

Jongdae chooses not to allow Baekhyun the satisfaction of being told he’s a dipshit and instead says, “I just got a job.”

Baekhyun drops the envelopes he’d been holding. It would be extremely dramatic if Zitao didn’t scream and drop his as well only to clasp his hands over his mouth in far more excitement than Jongdae has ever felt in his entire life. “You’re shitting me,” Baekhyun says, and to his credit sounds extremely excited for him.

“Fortunately not, as I don’t think either of us would enjoy that,” Jongdae says, feeling a little too giddy with the whole reality that he’s just landed a real full time job. “I start in a week or so.”

Baekhyun barely gets to congratulate him before Zitao is hugging him and Jongdae is laughing, feeling a little too light, and clutching his phone a bit too hard. It ends up being Zitao that notices it quacking and points it out, and Jongdae doesn’t stop smiling when he reads a message asking him what he’s up to this weekend.

_Pervert – 10:57 I got some time off from the extra work hours. Are you free?_

“Go play with your boyfriend,” Baekhyun says, and it isn’t until Jongdae is being shoved out of the shop by Zitao that he realizes Baekhyun hadn’t been teasing him at all.

Unlike Jongdae who lives in perhaps the slightly less desirable area of the city, Lu Han doesn’t. Instead, he’s situated not too far away, in the nicer apartments and nicer districts where people have flower boxes instead of broken pipes by their windows. “What’s up?” Lu Han asks. He’s still in his work clothing, but as it’s a Saturday it’s toned down a bit, and he has a soft looking sweater pulled over his collared shirt.

It’s still kind of strange to see him looking more proper, but Jongdae likes it. Just like he likes when Lu Han’s hand finds his so easily now as Jongdae steps closer and doesn’t stop, instead leaning in pressing their lips together. It maybe shocks both of them, but Jongdae is still humming with excitement as he pulls back still smiling.

It’s like winning a great victory, and he wants to shout. Kissing Lu Han had apparently been the next best thing to vocal projection. “I got the job,” Jongdae says, keeping his voice as controlled as possible.

It only takes a moment before the reaction plays over Lu Han’s face in a myriad of things that normal faces would envy being able to do. Wide eyes and dropped jaw and shock with bits of surprise and a few transitional phases before Lu Han lets out a choked yell and Jongdae is being wrapped in arms.

Laughing into Lu Han’s shoulder, Jongdae hugs back, arms wrapping tight around him as Lu Han holds him and his heart is soaring. His eyes are almost gone when Lu Han pulls back, cheeks pressed up in a huge smile, eyes creased up but they still glint as both his hands slip into Jongdae’s, squeezing tight. “Congratulations,” he says, sincerity lining his voice.

It’s hard to answer or say anything when all the sounds in his throat are happy stunted excited giggles. They’re shocked into silence when Lu Han leans down and kisses him, more definite than Jongdae’s breathless press of lips before, far more intentional, and warm.

Lu Han’s lips are softer than Jongdae always expects, moving slightly against his own as Lu Han gently squeezes his hands. Some of the excited buzzing calms, if only for a moment, to be replaced with a warm glowing hum as Lu Han slowly breaks the kiss, and Jongdae has to open his eyes, not realizing he’d closed them.

“Thanks,” Jongdae ends up saying in a whisper, finally answering Lu Han’s praise and watching as Lu Han smiles still at him, warm and pushing his chest too big for him.

“Have you had lunch yet?” Lu Han instead asks, instead of pressing about the interview when Jongdae is still a little foggy, the feeling of Lu Han’s lips still having him a little dazed. They’ve kissed, but it felt more intimate just then, with much more behind it than just a simple press of lips.

“I was out all day playing baby sitter for my engaged friends,” Jongdae says, pulling back a bit. “They were more focused on wedding invitations than feeding me.”

“In that case, do you want to eat out or grab take out and bring it back to mine?”

Lu Han has never once brought up bringing Jongdae back to his place. In all fairness, neither has Jongdae, but Jongdae lives in a tiny box of an apartment and Lu Han probably doesn’t. He opens his mouth to say no, they should eat out, but instead says “that depends on how comfortable your couch is.”

As expected, Lu Han does live in a nicer apartment than Jongdae. It’s got separate bedrooms and a common area with a television and is far cleaner than Jongdae might have expected. It also is currently occupied by a young man Jongdae realizes is Lu Han’s roommate, who shoots him a quick evaluating look before looking at Lu Han.

“Jongdae and I are just gonna get some lunch,” Lu Han explains, smiling at him. “I promise we won’t interrupt.” Lu Han smiles between both of them. “Jongdae, this is my best friend Minseok.”

They haven’t introduced friends yet. It’s been three months and they haven’t introduced friends yet. Until right now, Jongdae realizes he never even knew what Lu Han’s friends were named. Even if Jongdae talks about Lu Han to Baekhyun and Kyungsoo, they have never met him, and he’s only mentioned them briefly to Lu Han. It feels like stepping forward without knowing he was walking in the first place. 

“Hi,” Jongdae says, nodding to Minseok who nods back and goes back to reading, spread out on the couch.

“He doesn’t really like talking to strangers,” Lu Han says, pulling down a few plates and glasses from the cabinets in the kitchen. He’s smiling when he glances over at Jongdae. “He’s scared of them, see? Don’t make any sudden movements.”

“I can hear you,” calls from the living area and Lu Han’s grin widens in amusement, Jongdae finding himself hiding a laugh as well.

They had grabbed thai food for lunch and sitting at Lu Han’s kitchen table eating through noodles and rice, Jongdae tells Lu Han about the interview he had earlier this week. It’s been a bit busy for both of them, and he hadn’t had a chance to see Lu Han since. He’d been a little scared to, especially after calling Lu Han after his interview and not even talking about it much, instead just focusing on Lu Han’s voice to calm down.

It feels different at the same time it’s so much of the same. Except instead of the idea Jongdae had when he’d spent years dreaming of finding his soul mate and falling in love, Lu Han has a smear of curry on his cheek and is laughing at his own joke that wasn’t incredibly funny and Jongdae is smiling anyway. Instead it’s Jongdae telling Lu Han about his actual interview and asking how he’s been, comfortable enough to nudge Lu Han’s shins under the table with his socked feet.

Lunch ends when Lu Han finally traps his legs under the table with his own and Jongdae lets out a laugh, finally caught and happy.

When he stands to help Lu Han clean up, he doesn’t think about wedging into his space, flicking him with water, teasing him for flinching and then yelping when Lu Han grabs him. Instead of being shocked, of being swept off his feet, Jongdae leans in a bit when Lu Han does and when Lu Han kisses him softly it’s not amazing or overwhelming. It’s a kiss, one that he likes enough to lean in for another, and then another, pulling in the feeling of Lu Han’s lips against his own, moving gently and he gasps when Lu Han’s hand, wet from dishes, brushes against his skin.

Jongdae likes kissing Lu Han, the way their mouths move together and Lu Han teases just a little bit with his lips and tongue and teeth. He lets out a small sigh as Lu Han pulls back, his lips tingling and opening his eyes to see Lu Han smiling that softer smile at him before it morphs into a grin and he’s flicking soap suds at him. 

“Jerk,” Jongdae laughs, jumping back and trying to scowl at Lu Han’s laugh as it follows him.

Rather than what Jongdae is used to, which is mostly he and Lu Han going out on specific dates and doing things and activities that have been premeditated, Jongdae finds himself sprawled on the couch with Lu Han, chatting idly. Minseok had excused himself a while back, stepping out to run a few errands, leaving them together alone.

It’s different, far more relaxed and easy to just hang out with Lu Han even if he keeps feeling a nervous jitter under his skin like they should be doing something. Jongdae doesn’t want to push it though, where he might have before with others, instead just wetting his lips at the feeling of Lu Han’s fingers tracing gently at the inside of his wrist as they lean together.

This is far more of a relaxed lull, where Jongdae catches himself looking at Lu Han, the way his hair falls into his face and his neck arches as he leans into the couch pillows. The feeling of not having to do anything, just stay there and be with Lu Han, be himself, joke and tease and take how their legs drape over each other as nothing abnormal. How he keeps finding himself looking at Lu Han’s mouth and wanting to touch him.

It’s not like before, where Jongdae had been so driven, so wrapped up in everything, pushing forward with hot hands and wanting, pushing so close and so fast he got lost in it all. This isn’t a fast tumbling fall, and Lu Han isn’t pushing him. Jongdae’s heart isn’t racing in his chest to reach out and pull Lu Han to him and push to feel and fuel a fire.

Jongdae’s heart is beating at an even steady pace as it feels a bit too full and he watches Lu Han without feeling anything aside from okay. He has a job, still slightly head rushed with the news.

Lu Han reaches out to brush his hair from his face, eyes on his face and that softer smile on his lips and Jongdae leans into the touch automatically. He tilts up without thinking when Lu Han’s eyes flicker and he leans in to gently brush their lips together. He feels a small quiver under his skin as Lu Han’s fingers card into his hair and they keep kissing, Lu Han’s lips sliding over his and Jongdae feeling a little too breathless.

Lu Han’s hands are warm as the rest against him, his breath hot as it puffs against Jongdae’s lips before he leans back in, Jongdae meeting him halfway eagerly. The way his hands slide over his arms, down his sides, pulling him closer as Lu Han moves into him has Jongdae reaching out for him. Lu Han makes a soft sound in the back of his throat as Jongdae sucks on his bottom lip, fingers tangled in his soft hair, messing it up. Jongdae breaks the kiss with a shudder, a small gasp, feeling Lu Han’s hands at his hips, thumbs pressing gently but not demanding and realizes belatedly he’s practically in Lu Han’s lap.

Rather than pushing, dragging Jongdae down and Jongdae surging forward to move faster, looking for something, Lu Han just lets out a long breath, resting their foreheads together. Jongdae doesn’t push because he’s already too warm, and somehow just resting tangled up with Lu Han is what he wants. He can feel it tickling over his skin pleasantly.

“That was nice,” Lu Han comments, hands on Jongdae’s sides over his shirt and thumbs still pressing small circles into his skin. In the back of his mind, Jongdae wonders of the comfortable hum over his skin is connected to their soul mates tie. If that’s why he wants Lu Han to kiss him again, and to lose himself in how Lu Han’s lips don’t taste like anything except residual Thai food.

Not trusting himself to speak, Jongdae just hums in response, fingers twisting in Lu Han’s hair absently, as he closes his eyes. He’s nervous, but in a kind of excited way. It’s like standing on a dock in summer and getting ready to jump into the soothing cold water.

Lu Han only kisses him once more, leaning in and brushing their lips together softly, before he settles in, arms around him and breath ghosting against his neck.

“I didn’t realize kissing tired you out,” Jongdae tries to tease him, cracking an eye to see both of Lu Han’s closed.

“It doesn’t,” Lu Han murmurs, his lips catching on the skin of Jongdae’s neck where his shirt as pulled down. It feels like he’s being wrapped up, drawn in and not in the way that’s drowning. It’s more intense than that, which Jongdae didn’t think possible, and it’s still scary and still exciting as Lu Han’s arms settle around his waist. “You’re just exhausting, I guess.”

The shove Jongdae gives Lu Han has him laughing, Lu Han finally opening his eyes, bright and alive and full of him Jongdae can’t stop his smile. Light headed, almost dizzy, Jongdae lets himself be pulled back into Lu Han’s arms, heart fluttering and skin prickling and air catching in between his lungs.

“I was up late last night,” Lu Han explains finally, voice a bit slower in tired. “Had to work past hours at the office. Whole thing of being the new guy. I promise we can go play soccer in twenty minutes.”

“I don’t like soccer,” Jongdae tells him, watching as Lu Han cracks open an eye to peer at him.

“Well that you can watch me and be my personal cheerleader,” Lu Han tells him casually. Jongdae pinches him and gets a satisfactory flinch. “Or we can go swimming.”

“Swimming,” Jongdae repeats, and can feel Lu Han’s hands still warm and resting at the small of his back. Comfortable, close and intimate and safe and the fullness gets bigger so it presses at the back of his throat.

“You know, when you go in water and don’t drown,” Lu Han begins to explain unnecessarily and dissolves into laughter as Jongdae shoves him back into the couch. “I’m just being helpful,” he laughs as Jongdae presses over him, having rolled so he’s looking down on Lu Han.

His boyfriend, as Zitao had called him earlier that day. His soul mate.

In his chest a wiggle turns to a curl turns into a bubbling hum that rises as Jongdae leans down to press their lips together and tries not to think about what part of him wanted him to do it.  


๑

  
That lock of gazes, the Pull that drags under skin until two people drift together in a crowd, eyes fixed and smiles beginning to pull over lips, hearts falling into sync before hands link and it all falls into place. That skip of the heart in a chest, the ringing in ears that sounds like happiness at the realization that this is it, this is the one.

This is a soul mate.

Jongdae sighs, running his hand down his face for the fifth time that night as he pushes his hair back from his forehead and feels even more uncomfortable. It’s like there’s an itch under his skin, incessant and won’t go away and he can’t tell if he wants to scratch it or likes it.

Which doesn’t really make sense.

“Stop sighing, you’re making the room emotionally polluted,” Kyungsoo tells him, frowning at his laptop as he sits all scrunched up at the kitchen table. He doesn’t look at Jongdae, and Chanyeol isn’t here to throw him concerned looks and try to get either of them to talk.

So it’s just mostly been Kyungsoo, tacking away at work emails and schedules, as Jongdae lies on his couch and tries to sort through the mess of thoughts and feelings and other bits in his head.

“Well if you would just-“

“I’m not helping you any more than I already have,” Kyungsoo cuts him off, still not looking at him. “You’re the one that keeps sticking your head further into your ostrich hole.”

It’s frustrating that Jongdae wonders if that’s what it really is. Then there’s the whole aspect where so much doesn’t match up. From what Jongdae knows, soul mates fall into sync with each other, pushing and pulling and lining up and they’re supposed to be good together. There is that rush, the feeling of ‘the one’ and it all clicks. They’re bonded, by some form of fate, to be together, always coming together and staying that way.

Or something.

While Jongdae and Lu Han are definitely dating, Jongdae still wonders how much of what pulls at him and has skitters flying over his skin is that bond, rather than what he feels. With others, he’d felt that jump in his chest, the shortness of breath. It was always the most frustrating thing, because every time Jongdae met someone who was just right, his heart thundering in his ears and he wanted to _touch_ , the mark around his wrist stayed resolutely brown.

In retrospect, the Pull when he’d finally felt it was less like that rush of connection and much more like feeling sick.

Which makes him really wonder if maybe there was a mistake, and if he’s scared and excited because of that rather than because of Lu Han.

How much of him kissing Lu Han is him actually wanting to and enjoying it and how much is the bond satisfying itself.

“Fine,” Kyungsoo snaps and Jongdae didn’t even realize he’d been sighing again. With a disgruntled huff, Kyungsoo closes his computer and stands up to walk over to him. He sits, Jongdae widening his eyes at the resolute expression on his friend’s face. “I’m listening, so talk about what the hell has you sighing.”

“I thought I talked too much,” Jongdae tries to tease, a little alarmed at how Kyungsoo looks so strained.

“Well, you’ve been silent aside from wistful annoying sighs since you got here,” Kyungsoo grumbles. “I actually prefer the babble. I can tune that out.” He sighs, finally letting his shoulders droop, and closes his eyes, breathing out before looking back at Jongdae. He’s wearing his _I’m more tolerant now because I’m a good friend_ face and Jongdae wets his lips.

Baekhyun is amazing as his best friend, joking and funny and sharing his energy and sense of humor. But for real talk and for being told straight, Jongdae falls back to Kyungsoo. Under his short words and sometimes short temper, he’s one of the few people who can see through the mess and get to the problem.

Opening his mouth with the intention of keeping things concise, because Kyungsoo _is_ working and obviously a bit tired, Jongdae ends up not knowing where his mouth is going as it launches into everything. He tells Kyungsoo about Lu Han, about how Jongdae was so frustrated and annoyed and pissed and uncomfortable and then realized with help that he was being an asshole just as much as he was accusing Lu Han of being one.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo interjects here, when Jongdae is in the middle of explaining his date and how Lu Han had looked on the verge of walking away forever and Jongdae had been _scared_. “You are an asshole.”

“Are?” Jongdae repeats, frowning because that just sounds rude.

“Are,” Kyungsoo repeats, though the small softening around his mouth indicates he’s not entirely serious and he doesn’t think Jongdae is complete scum. Which, he supposes, is supposed to be reassuring.

Kyungsoo watches him as he sighs, rambling now, talking about everything in between. About the dates, about getting to know Lu Han, about his new job, about the soul mate bond, about how he thinks about Lu Han and doesn’t feel anything and feels everything at the same time. Kyungsoo looks away, mouth forming a line as Jongdae mentions the Pull, about how he wonders if it’s real or if this isn’t him and finally stops talking, feeling tongue tired.

“But that’s how it works, right?” Jongdae asks, wetting his lips, as he looks at Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo stares at the wall. “Like, with you and Chanyeol, you two just know when you’re upset. I’ve seen it, and it’s like some weird thing where you two need each other unlike you need other people.”

“Jongdae,” Kyungsoo’s voice comes out quieter and lower than Jongdae expects. He doesn’t look at him, and he doesn’t smile. “What you just explained to me,” he pauses, breathing in and wetting his lips, now frowning at the wall. “That’s called falling in love.”

A spike of something hot and writing wrecks through Jongdae, making his fingers clench on his knees. “But the whole soul mate-“

“The Pull only happens once,” Kyungsoo says, and his voice is a little sharper. “The soul mate bond is an aspect of relationships, yes, but it’s not what makes them happen. You’re not being pulled to Lu Han, you’re falling in love with him.”

Kyungsoo still doesn’t look at him, mouth closed decisively as he frowns at the wall as Jongdae begins to feel sick to his stomach.

“I feel ill,” he says aloud and somehow a smile begins to snake over Kyungsoo’s mouth.

“Yeah,” he says, and something about his face relaxes a bit, and Jongdae doesn't understand. “Love is like that.”  


๑

  
_I’m not_ he texts Kyungsoo when he gets home later, pacing his one room apartment from the slightly less nice part of the city in barefeet and his hair sticking up in the front.

 _I’m not,_ Jongdae tells himself in the mirror, brushing his teeth aggressively. His body is doing a weird hot and cold things and he thinks maybe he’s getting sick but then the thought of going to the doctor and it morphing into Kyungsoo and telling him “Love is like that,” makes him yell at his towels and stop to his bed. Which he dives into headfirst, burying his face in his blankets as he is generally _overwhelmed_.

This is wrong of him, he, Jongdae, who has been not thinking about how Lu Han is his soul mate and ignoring it but not ignoring it. Because Lu Han is being given a chance to be something that could work.

And he is working. Jongdae sees him at least once a week, and thinks about Lu Han when his mind wanders at work, between shifts of learning details on new recording artists and how the hell mixers work. Jongdae uses emoticons and gets excited about seeing him and likes how Lu Han’s fingers fit against his and the way he kisses him.

But this is giving a chance and being surprised, right?

Jongdae isn’t in love.

_not yet?_ whispers a stupid optimistic voice in his head as he rolls over and stares at his ceiling. He swallows down and feels bile burn in his throat as his heart is loud in his ears.  


๑

  
_I’m not in love_ becomes a lot more complicated as the next few days roll in and around.

Work at Twined Pendulums catapults as Jongdae is taken out of training and instead pushed under his supervisor, a smiling and slightly intimidating woman named ‘Hyo’ who refuses to go by anything else. His rent for his apartment comes in and Jongdae realizes he can pay it on time without crying about it, and Soojung and Amber decide that he’s not paying enough attention to them and drag him out.

_I’m not in love_ becomes hard to explain when Jongdae sits and watches Soojung and Amber sitting together, happy and teasing and stealing kisses in front of him as Baekhyun and Zitao bicker romantically beside him. In the back of his mind, Jongdae wonders how he ever got through the years of being the only single one left amid a sea of lovers.

_I’m not in love_ leaves a burn to his stomach and a curl against his skin as he stands in the sunlight and tries to smile back at Lu Han, sunglasses hiding his eyes. He tries to pass it off, the nervous constant nag in his mind as he accepts a bucket from his _soul mate_ and lets him lead the way, walking into the many rows of bushes and feels the tall grasses brushing his thighs.

This had been his idea, and he’d expected Lu Han to say no, suggest something else, and instead Lu Han had asked him where they should go. Jongdae has never actually been berry picking before, but it seemed like a good way to get food for the week and spend time with Lu Han.

It seemed like a great idea, and it ended up being a great idea, with the two of them walking and filling their own buckets with berries, chatting and Jongdae can focus on the task at literal hand. Finding the best blueberries on the high bushes rather than think about Lu Han just a few bushes down in a low sleeved tank and the sun making his dyed tawny hair shine gold.

It’s incredibly hard for him to even try to figure out what he thinks love is and isn’t when Lu Han smiles at him, sneaking over his shoulder and arms wrapping around his waist. It’s hard to think of anything with his breath catching and Lu Han’s laugh rumbling into him through his back.

The sun on his skin is just as pleasant as Lu Han’s fingers twining with his own as they have their buckets filled and are lounging in the long grass. Jongdae focuses on the taste of berries in his mouth when Lu Han kisses him and tries to tell himself that’s what he enjoys the most.

“We should stop eating these,” Jongdae says, watching as Lu Han pops another berry between purple stained lips.

“Why?” Lu Han asks, leaning back and looking all the vision of someone Jongdae never saw himself with. Dark tinted sunglasses, loose tank and hideously patterned shorts topped with a backwards snapback, Lu Han looks like a poorly placed teenage-wannabe rather than the grounded soul mate Jongdae envisioned.

Then he leans forward, quick in motion and presses a quick kiss to Jongdae’s cheek, before pulling back with a smile and Jongdae is all twisted up again, and everything races and spins. “Cute,” Lu Han says and sticks his tongue out between his teeth with a grin.

_I’m not in love with him_ Jongdae forgets to tell himself as Lu Han chases him after a few berries were thrown and Lu Han’s hat stolen. He forgets as he laughs when Lu Han tackles him, tumbling to the ground and breathless, flushed in the warm sun. He doesn’t think at all as he brushes Lu Han’s hair from his face, bangs getting a little long and sunglasses fallen off before Lu Han leans down and he melts under the press of their lips together.

It isn’t until later that he remembers, in the car ride back with sun warmed berries and the radio playing and their usual conversation dies down to nothing. Jongdae’s lips press together, eyes on his berries and he’s scared at how much he thinks maybe he might have been so wrong.

Lu Han doesn’t comment on the silence, and he doesn’t bother him, only kisses him goodnight and Jongdae just wishes he wasn’t so overwhelmed all of a sudden.  


๑

  
A week passes. A week of Jongdae running around with early coffees and ignoring his phone as it flashes a message light, the soft quack pushed to the back of his mind.

A week and a half passes and Jongdae spends the weekend voluntarily hanging out with Baekhyun as he and Zitao have a long discussion about china. Jongdae frankly agrees with Baekhyun that it doesn’t matter mostly seeing as food will cover up whatever pattern is there.

Zitao looks so done with the both of them by the end of the day Jongdae ends up feeling vaguely responsible for the fate of their marriage and offers to buy them dinner.

Baekhyun checks his forehead. His eyes widen as he pulls his hand back. “Just checking you weren’t running a fever,” Baekhyun explains to Jongdae’s perplexed and slightly violated expression. “You know, considering the last time you offered to buy us dinner, it was pizza in tenth grade. I remember, because you begrudged me about ordering breadsticks for four months like an asshole.”

“I still maintain those were entirely unnecessary,” Jongdae tells him to try to get off the topic.

“Besides,” Zitao says, looking a little confused. “I thought you would have had plans with Lu Han for dinner.”

Jongdae has to laugh to keep himself from shaking. “No, I’m not meeting him.”

“Why not?” Baekhyun presses, frowning now. “I liked when you were always with him. Like I said, he’s good for you. And it gives me more alone time with Zitao.”

Zitao rolls his eyes like Baekhyun is full of shit (which he might actually be) as Jongdae stares at his best friend. “What do you mean he’s good for me?” All week, he’s been feeling extremes, one moment resolving to just scrap it all and the next he’s back to square one, drawing up comparisons and playing a matching game with all the wrong pieces. And it just gets worse, regardless of if he’s thinking of Lu Han or _not_ thinking of Lu Han, and he wants to grab Kyungsoo and demand if there is a science study to back his earlier arguments.

“I mean,” Baekhyun pauses, frowning in contemplation. “He makes you alive.”

“Alive?” Jongdae repeats, frowning now too. Zitao is also frowning. Well, at least they all match.

“Like, when you’re pissed, you’re pissed. When you’re confused, you are literally the most lost shit on the planet, and when you’re happy, it’s disgusting and I want to throw up.” Baekhyun smiles widely as Zitao gapes at him. “He makes you actually do stuff aside from wander around in limbo land and your own stubborn head.”

“I feel insulted,” Jongdae tells him and Baekhyun just continues to grin.

“I don't blame you,” says Zitao, and it’s with half an exasperated sigh and an amused coo that Baekhyun positively beams at.

Jongdae decides they’re gross and revokes his offer for dinner on account of Baekhyun being a dick.

This leaves him alone and Jongdae twists and watches television without paying attention, curled up on his couch and stuck on what it means to be soul mates with a weird coffee pervert named Lu Han who is the cactus to his balloon and falling in love with him.

Possibly.

That is if he _is_ in love with Lu Han.

Which he is. Not? Isn’t. Is.

After two weeks, the only thing Jongdae can surmise from his random unexplained hiatus from Lu Han is that Hyo is possibly more of a dude than he is and popular media creates the worst expectations of love. Romance movies don't tell him what love is like at all, they just make him want to eat ice cream and make fun of the shitty dialogue.

After two weeks, his stomach still twists when he sees how many messages from Lu Han he’s ignored and how he _misses_ him and still has no answers aside from the ones which he isn’t sure he wants.  


๑

  
Whatever Jongdae had envisioned about the first time he’d have someone aside from his close friends see his apartment, he isn’t prepared for this. Neither is his apartment, really, and he ends up stumbling back into it with a fumbled series of apologies about how many socks are probably lying around.

Instead of looking mildly terrified (Kyungsoo would be impressed), Lu Han just looks around, blasé in countenance, before giving a slow nod. “Not going to lie,” he says, toeing off his sneakers by the door. “I thought it was going to be much worse considering the area.” He smiles and Jongdae feels more self conscious than he wants to. “It’s nice.”

“You don’t have to be polite,” Jongdae tells him, taking Lu Han’s shoulder bag for him and leading him into the apartment unit. “I know it’s not nice.”

“Well, you’re here,” Lu Han says, amusement keeping his voice light. “That makes it a lot nicer.”

“You do have a point,” Jongdae teases back, smile spreading as he watches Lu Han look around, eyes scanning over the smaller apartment. They’re supposedly having a quieter day, the rain outside cancelling their initial plans for hiking, and Jongdae really didn’t want to bother with the movies. “I am a pretty important feature.”

“It’s a draw between you and that couch though,” Lu Han says, flopping onto said furniture with a grin and Jongdae just rolls his eyes. He may have prepared a bit for Lu Han to be here, thinking to himself that it didn’t meant anything how much he wanted Lu Han to think well of him. Fridge stocked and real food in the cabinet and laundry organized in his hamper rather than playing a game of hide and seek in various surprising locations around the unit.

“Charming,” Jongdae says, before walking to the kitchen top drop Lu Han’s bad into a chair.

Lu Han doesn’t move when Jongdae walks back into the living area. Instead, he grins up at Jongdae and wags his eyebrows, stretching more on the couch where Jongdae has to sit. “Hey,” he says to Jongdae’s small expression of displeasure at his refusal to move.

“Hey,” Jongdae replies, before making the executive decision to not care and just sit on Lu Han instead. This results in a loud yelp, Lu Han groaning, face going all shapes of strange, and Jongdae laughing as he feels Lu Han try to shove him off. He keeps laughing as Lu Han finally manages to get himself out from under Jongdae enough to have them half sprawled together and doesn’t stop until Lu Han’s lips cover his. He keeps smiling into the kiss as Lu Han’s hands slip around him, warm and wanted and Jongdae leans into him.

It’s when Lu Han’s hand slips under his shirt, skimming over heating skin with his fingers and Jongdae gasps that the kiss breaks and he pulls back. Lu Han looks at him with that softness in his eyes that has his heart feeling too big in his chest. Today is the first day that they’ve really spent time together since Jongdae’s period of absence, which Lu Han hasn’t even brought up, instead letting everything fall back. It’s like nothing ever happened, nothing changed, and there was no period of time where Jongdae ignored everything and spent hours on this exact couch telling himself he wasn’t falling in love with Lu Han.

It’s like none of that ever happened with how Lu Han smiles at him, soft and warm and thumb gently stroking against his back as his hand lies there solid and _his_. It’s scary, because here like this, Jongdae finds it harder to think of this just being him and Lu Han giving this a shot rather than this being his ending story. It has a jolt in his chest flashing fast and him pulling back, leaving Lu Han with a flurry of confusion over his face as Jongdae breathes to calm down his suddenly racing heart.

“What do you want to watch?”

It’s easier to ignore the ache in his throat and the lingering feeling of Lu Han’s hands on him, how he wants them back but the fire that threatens to burn in him scares him. He stays quiet, chewing his lip as Lu Han follows him to the television and chooses a movie. After vetoing the movie theater, somehow it was decided movies at home on a rainy day were better, and since Jongdae had seen Lu Han’s apartment, it was only fair Lu Han saw his.

Lu Han chooses an action film from the list showing on the channels and Jongdae nods, turning away from a kiss to get snacks from the kitchen and leaving Lu Han on the floor, holding the remote. He doesn’t see the look on his face, only can still feel his hand on his thigh and the short breath in his throat.

_It’s nothing_ , he tells himself, watching the popcorn bag inflate as it pops in the microwave. _We’re just dating, and he’s my boyfriend and this is normal._ Jongdae wets his lips, the word _boyfriend_ feeling like it weighs heavier than _soul mate_. It’s stupid, considering that for years he equated _soul mate_ with a commitment like marriage, and yet he stands in the kitchen realizing Lu Han in the living area has his heart shuddering more than any of his other relationships.

Jongdae didn’t want any of his other boyfriends to touch him like he wants Lu Han too though, the others all just flying into intimacy and Jongdae pulling too close too fast. But he wants to touch Lu Han, to have him touch him, to waste hours with him and for Lu Han to bring up the period of absence and be bothered by it. He wants Lu Han to snap and do something, to push or twist him the wrong way so he can have a reason to say no aside from that he’s scared.

Walking back into the living room, Jongdae stops and stares as Lu Han drops another pillow and few blankets on top of a small pile on the floor. “What are you doing?” he asks, raising an eyebrow at his boyfriend as Lu Han shuffles around his pile of blankets and pillows.

“Come here,” Lu Han says instead, reaching down and pulling the last of the pillows from the couch to the floor. “And put down the snacks, I need your help.”

“With what? Dismantling my apartment?” Jongdae asks, none the less setting the snacks on the small coffee table. Lu Han just grabs his wrist, pulling him closer.

“We have to make a movie nest,” Lu Han tells him, taking one of the blankets and pushes a few blankets and a pillow into Jongdae’s arms. He grins before bopping him on the head with another pillow.

“What the hell is a movie nest?” Jongdae asks, grabbing the pillow and smacking Lu Han with it in the side, smiling a bit when Lu Han wrinkles his nose back at him. Behind them, the television plays commercials at varying degrees of enthusiasm and Lu Han is smiling at him in amusement.

“A nest to watch movies in,” Lu Han says. “What did you think?” He laughs and pokes Jongdae with his pillow, ducking with a muffled laugh as Jongdae goes to hit him again. Jongdae ends up tumbling down into the mess of blankets and pillows when Lu Han hooks a foot around his ankle and trips him down. He laughs as Jongdae lands on him, smiling in satisfaction.

“Quiet,” Lu Han tells him, lips pressing to his hear and sending a shiver through Jongdae as the feeling of Lu Han’s arms wrapping around him, pulling him close, has a nervous rise in his chest, wanting. “The movie is starting.” He doesn’t move, not locking Jongdae in his arms, but holding him, the heat from his body seeping into Jongdae’s as the television plays the opening credits to a movie.

Jongdae is used to watching movies with Baekhyun and Zitao, with Kyungsoo and Chanyeol and with Soojung while Amber laughs a her side. He’s used to sitting and running commentary, laughing loudly at the accidents and the poor scripting, and making up side dialogue, joking and fooling around (even if Kyungsoo kind of hates it some times). Jongdae, therefore, makes it only until the first commercials until he’s opening his mouth and commenting on how the main character has very nice abs but definitely needs to lose the cocky attitude if he’s going to stay alive until the end.

Instead of staring at him or arguing with him, Lu Han laughs, the sound vibrating into Jongdae as he’s settled against Lu Han’s side. “Maybe this was all just a false lead up and he did actually die in that opening fight,” Lu Han suggests. His eyes tease and Jongdae allows himself a laugh.

They spin through theories about what is actually going on, each theory getting more and more ridiculous until the movie comes back and Lu Han tells him to hush. Jongdae makes to protest as he was in the middle of a theory, but allows Lu Han to drag him back into his arms, fitting against his chest to watch the movie. He can feel Lu Han laugh as his stomach tenses and relaxes under his hand, settled on his stomach. He makes vague dialogue adjustments and additions as the scenes play out, and Lu Han adds his own, gently running fingers down Jongdae’s arm before slipping to his waist, pulling him closer.

By the end of the first movie, they’ve rewritten all of the movie to their own reasoning and Jongdae is so wrapped up in blankets and Lu Han he doesn’t think of protesting when Lu Han suggests they see what else is on. They spend the second movie, laughing at the dialogue, commercial breaks dissolving into rough housing and Lu Han trying to feed Jongdae popcorn onto to have a fist full shoved into his mouth. The floor and blankets and pillows scatter with limbs and crumbs and popcorn missed when they throw to try to catch it with their mouths. Every time Lu Han manages to succeed, he steals a kiss from Jongdae that leaves him giggling.

The rain continues on, the movies mixing and only when Lu Han excuses himself to the bathroom does Jongdae acknowledge that they’d been so tangled together he could feel Lu Han’s breathing all around him. It’s only when Lu Han is gone and Jongdae can feel the cold where Jongdae had been pressed up to him and the warm buzzing in his nerves that he has to calm quaking breaths.

When Lu Han returns, Jongdae doesn’t allow himself to think, moving to let Lu Han back into the empty and wanting space beside him, with him, and smiling as Lu Han fits with him. Slides into place with his arm around him and hand flitting to his chest. Jongdae doesn’t think as he pulls Lu Han in and presses closer, sighing into the kiss and pushing for more, hands venturing to dance to warm skin.

“We’re missing the movie,” Lu Han murmurs, soft and voice a tinge darker as his lips drag along Jongdae’s jaw, pulling hot faster breath from Jongdae as his skin prickles to Lu Han’s touch.

“Don’t care,” Jongdae says, scratching the words with his nails up Lu Han’s abs teasingly and earning a gasp. He wants Lu Han to touch him, biting his lip at the feeling of Lu Han gently sucking at his skin, kissing down his neck, pulling him closer with a pleasant curl in his abdomen. Under his hands, Lu Han is soft skin and toned muscles, shifting and moving under his touch as Lu Han leans into his touch, orienting to make things easier to move, a soft exhale passing from his lips and fanning over skin damp from kisses.

Kissing, touching and hands pushing aside shirts and threading into hair, Lu Han’s eyes darker when they meet his and his lips swollen before Jongdae takes them again with his own, it’s too hot. Jongdae feels warm, his skin simmering from where Lu Han’s hands run over it, feeling drunk with presses of lips and touches and the slide of their tongues together.

When he’s pressed back into the pillows, Lu Han’s hand at the small of his back, Lu Han’s name slips from him as his hands slip down. Jongdae blinks, looking down at Lu Han as he lets out a gasp from where Jongdae’s hands are resting over his crotch.

“Are you hard?” Jongdae asks, and flushes when Lu Han raises a look at him. It should be a bit obvious, considering that Jongdae’s hand is resting against the obvious strain of Lu Han’s erection.

“My penis just has an opinion about you it’d like to make known,” Lu Han says easily, nonchalance, and Jongdae is laughing before he can stop himself. He’s still laughing, Lu Han joining him, as he pulls his hand away, a darker curl slipping into his stomach as the weight of Lu Han presses to his side.

It grows and twists as Jongdae realizes Lu Han is hard, Jongdae wrapped up and not far from being hard as well, and Lu Han may want him to touch him. Jongdae’s laugh tightens when he thinks of how he _wants_ to touch Lu Han, to feel him in his hand, to push that line and drag Lu Han down and roll their hips together until they’re both gasping and he’s all Jongdae can feel, see, or hear.

Jongdae’s laugh chokes in his throat when it hits him that this isn’t just him wanting release, wanting to fuck. Jongdae had never been one to wait, falling in and out of bed with lovers when he’d tried to find connection, but it had been fast, fucking for the sake of fucking. This isn’t fucking though, because Jongdae doesn’t want Lu Han to touch him out of the desire to make it real, but because it’s Lu Han.

Jongdae has wanted people before, but not like this. It has him pulling away, a rush in his chest and skin skittering with sensitivity as he thinks if he pushes it, it’ll all crumble and he’ll drown in it. Drown in Lu Han.

Hands pulling away, Jongdae curls them to his chest, leaning back and waiting for Lu Han to frown, to grab him back, to pull them together and push him. He waits for Lu Han to crawl into his space and make him push back, tell him no because Jongdae wanting Lu Han can’t be real. He’s just caught up, laughs squawking in his throat as Lu Han lets his laugh fade.

"Oh,” finally manages to break out of Jongdae’s mouth as he pulls back, pushing down and trying to suffocate the want to reach out and lean in. He’s doesn’t want Lu Han, he tells himself, the warm weight of him heavy and hard in his hands, the gasps that might spill from his mouth, or the way Lu Han would rock into his grip before pulling Jongdae apart with his soft but strong hands. “I see.”

Waiting for Lu Han to snap, to frown and grab and fuck up, Jongdae’s rushed breaths build up behind his throat as he watches him.

Lu Han doesn’t frown, instead watching Jongdae with a small fade to his smile but not in disappointment. “No worries,” he says, voice less dark even as it still sends a shiver over Jongdae’s skin. _Calm down_ he tells himself as Lu Han pulls back, hands slipping out from under his shirt.

Jongdae closes his eyes, swallowing hard as Lu Han presses a simple kiss to his cheek and untangles a bit, ignoring the fact that he’s hard and instead turning back to the television.

“Any idea what’s going on?” Lu Han asks, not pushing him, dragging Jongdae into intimacy without his permission and Jongdae feels sick around the curl in his stomach that won’t die.

Over four months of seeing Lu Han and it’s the longest periods of time Jongdae has known someone he’s supposedly seeing without having sex with them. Over four months and Jongdae is pushing down rather than digging up the urge to climb into Lu Han’s lap and meld them together.

“No,” Jongdae mumbles, focusing on his fingers twisting in his lap instead of Lu Han’s fingers brushing over his shoulder. They stay quiet through the rest of the movie, the plot flimsy and without a proper ending but Jongdae keeps his mouth closed, not leaning to Lu Han and clenching his teeth at the want to.

Movie over, Jongdae gets up, leaving Lu Han looking up at him with a slightly confused expression as he mutters about popcorn and needing drinks. Standing in the kitchen and letting the water run over the dishes he never bothered to do from breakfast, Jongdae lets the water focus him. It had been easy to get worked up, and Jongdae’s feelings about Lu Han have been complicated at best, spinning further and further into Kyungsoo’s echoing words of how he’s falling in love with him.

_I’m not in love with him_ Jongdae tells himself, eyes squeezed shut as he pushes out the feel of Lu Han against him, the rushing sound of his pulse in his ears and how he could feel the curling heat of arousal in his gut. _I’m not._

“Hey,” startles Jongdae to turn with a snap to see Lu Han leaning against the counter, watching him with a small frown. “You okay?” he asks, and Jongdae almost looks down to see if he’s still hard. He swallows down a drying throat.

“Fine,” Jongdae says, and turns away before he touches. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?” Lu Han asks, and the note of concern, of _care_ in his voice grates in Jongdae’s mind as it clashes because he doesn’t want Lu Han to care.

Except he does. He does but he doesn’t because Lu Han shouldn’t care he should prove Jongdae right that this isn’t what he wants, what he needs, what makes his heart stutter and his heart sing because Lu Han _isn’t perfect_.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Jongdae snaps, not looking at Lu Han as instead he opens the fridge and pulls out waters. “I’m fine, Lu Han.”

Lu Han’s mouth is in a line, unsmiling when Jongdae turns to look at him again, and his eyes aren’t as soft. Jongdae should feel victorious, but instead he just feels achy and twisted.

They settle to watch a historical movie, something to do with criminals. Jongdae sits with Lu Han in their movie nest and doesn't lean into him, instead lists all the ways Lu Han isn’t perfect in his head. Lu Han doesn’t bother him, only glancing over a few times and making a few comments on the movie, joking a little as Jongdae makes small sounds of acknowledgement, too lost in his own head. He tries to focus on it, the dialogue and the plot and whatever is on the television and not how Lu Han is still there, beside him glancing over every now and then.

When, during a commercial break, Lu Han shifts, leaning back against the sofa, his arm stretching to rest over Jongdae’s shoulder, he stiffens. Tucking his knees to his chest, he leans away, eyes on the advertisement and not looking at Lu Han.

“We can watch something else if you want,” Lu Han suggests, a little too quiet and Jongdae bristles because he doesn’t _want_ to watch something else. This is _fine_ and it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t even know what’s going on in the movie, his concentration wavering between ignoring Lu Han and _not_ ignoring Lu Han because he’s too aware of him.

Of everything. How Lu Han moves and how he’s too quiet and his jokes are weird but still funny and Jongdae wants to laugh but doesn’t because it’s all getting stuck. He wants to lean into Lu Han, to ignore the movie instead of Lu Han but instead he’s doing the opposite, thinking of all the backwards things that this is.

Where Lu Han is his boyfriend, which is somehow more intimate than soul mate and Jongdae _wants_ him even if he’s the wrong formula to all the equations Jongdae memorized since he can remember.

“No,” Jongdae says, shaking his head and pitching his voice lofty. “This is fine.”

“Really?” Lu Han’s voice is light, a little too light and distant and Jongdae finally turns to look at him. He’s irritated and on edge and Lu Han’s eyes are hard even if he’s smiling, and it makes Jongdae’s stomach clench.

It’s the same look Lu Han had during that dinner, the one where he told Jongdae he could always tell him no.

“Yeah,” Jongdae says, feeling his own irritation rise because this isn’t fair. “It’s fine. I’m fine. We’re fine.” His skin itches because it’s _not_ fine but he doesn’t want to get into this.

“Are we?” Lu Han asks, and he doesn’t sigh this time, doesn’t look away and let it go, just stares at Jongdae. “Because a lot of things indicate that it isn’t fine. And I’d kind of like to know if I did something wrong.”

Lu Han hasn’t done anything wrong, _anything_ and it _bothers_ Jongdae because he’s been waiting for Lu Han to do something wrong as he grasps and pulls up and down. Lu Han can’t be the person he really falls in love with, right? “Nothing is wrong,” Jongdae shakes his head, thinking of how Lu Han and he were fine, actually fine, just a while ago and so close it felt too real. “I thought we were watching a movie together.”

“I think we’re doing a lot of things, and then it turns out we aren’t,” Lu Han says, and Jongdae frowns, feeling a sudden curl of anger in his chest.

“What?” Jongdae isn’t ignoring him now. “What are you talking about?”

“I mean,” Lu Han sighs now, but it’s not to calm himself down, Jongdae can see that in him, and he clenches his teeth because he realizes how he can read him now. “We’re dating, and it’s fine, and you’re happy and fun and it’s like everything is okay,” Lu Han says and runs a hand through his hair. “And I think you’re happy, and I’m not the only one who feels like this, but then suddenly it flips, and not in the fun way, where you’re sarcastic. It’s like you remember something and don't want anything to do with me.”

Lu Han’s hand drops from his hair, and he looks tired, leaning back and looking at Jongdae, like he’s waiting for him to tell him no, that what he’s just said isn’t actually what is happening.

“That’s not true,” Jongdae says, even as it steers drastically to the truth. Jongdae is just…

“Isn’t it?” Lu Han doesn’t wait for Jongdae to make an excuse, to fish in his sea of explanations to dig one up and shove it at him. “Isn’t that exactly what keeps happening? You like me, then you don’t, then you want to be with me and then you don’t talk to me for two weeks. Then you miss me, want me again, and I don’t push it because I figure you have your reasons, and I’ll find out. And then it’s fine, and we’re okay and you’re happy to be with me and then suddenly you’re shutting me out again. So tell me what the fuck is wrong.”

“Is that what you’re mad about?” Jongdae frowns, trying to stamp down the surge in his chest of irritation, of guilt, of discomfort. “Because I didn’t talk to you for a bit and then just wanted to watch a movie instead of jack you off?” He’s getting angry, and it’s probably not entirely based, but Lu Han’s words hurt.

Mostly because it feels like they’re true.

“No,” Lu Han says, and sits up, face set. “I’m not mad because you didn't jack me off,” he bites out. “I’m mad because you act like this is some sort of fucking game that you can dick around with, like you’re the only one playing it.”

“I never said this was a game,” Jongdae protests, sitting up and turning to stare at Lu Han, annoyed. “What? Because I want to watch a movie you immediately assume that something is wrong?” He doesn’t like this, the twisting in his stomach and the burning feeling in his chest very much anger and very unpleasant. It’s not like he’s enjoying the whiplash that he’s throwing back and forth. “It’s not like this is easy for me.”

“Easy for you?” Lu Han laughs, and it sounds so humorless it grates in the air, because Lu Han doesn’t look happy. He looks angry, actually angry, and hurt and it’s worse than that night at the restaurant. “Look, this isn’t supposed to be easy. This isn’t some game that you’re play where you can just treat everything as it is convenient and ‘easy’ for you. These are my feelings you’re playing with.”

Lu Han’s voice stays at the same level, but Jongdae almost wishes he was yelling. It would be easier then to explain his own irritation, his own want to fight back and tell Lu Han he’s wrong. The tension in his chest, around his heart, gripping and squeezing until it aches, is something he never wanted, or thought he’d have to deal with.

A soul mate is supposed to be there with him, to understand him, to support and love him and it’s not supposed to hurt like this. To make him so confused and angry and mixed up. “I never signed up for this,” Jongdae blurts out, nearly shouts and Lu Han’s expression closes off like he’s been slapped.

Then it darkens, and Jongdae can’t read it at all. “I never signed up for anything!” Lu Han’s voice is raised, and it cracks a bit, feeling like a punch in the chest. “Jongdae, this isn’t signing up for something. This is just life.”

The tightness in his throat get worse, feeling like he’s being backed into a corner and the only way out is through Lu Han but Lu Han is what put him here. Because this is all because of Lu Han in the first place. “You aren’t the person I thought I’d fall in love with,” Jongdae snaps, because Lu Han _isn’t_ , and he’s still lost trying to figure out why it _is_ him.

“Neither are you!” Lu Han yells and Jongdae freezes.

The words are like being slapped in the face, and Jongdae gapes at Lu Han. Lu Han, whose shoulders heave with suppressed breaths and whose face is dark and tight and looks more hurt and angry than Jongdae has ever seen him. “What?” Jongdae has never heard Lu Han say anything remotely like this, and he doesn’t know how to process anything but shock. It takes a second before his shock clicks to anger though. “What the fuck?”

“You have all these ideas, Jongdae,” Lu Han says, and raises his hands to drag over his face. “You have these expectations that I keep fighting against, and I know I do.” His hands drop from his face and Lu Han shakes his head, like he’s shaking off a irritant. “I didn’t expect anything from the person I was soul mates with aside from that I’d fall in love with them.” That hurts, and Jongdae doesn’t like how much it hurts. Lu Han is looking directly at him and it hurts and he’s angry. “That’s it,” Lu Han continues, and the laugh he lets out is raw and cruel. “And so far that’s been you.

“You’re funny, you’re genuine, you never let people tell you what to do, and when you aren’t thinking about it, you’re really nice.” Lu Han smiles, like this isn’t hurting, like this doesn’t feel like the ending of something before it really started. “I love spending time with you, because I fell in love with you because I didn’t think I would do anything else.” He sighs, and Jongdae has nothing to say from the pain in his chest and the buzzing in his head. “I’m sorry it doesn’t work the same way for you,” Lu Han says, and his voice has such an edge to it, Jongdae winces.

Then Lu Han is looking away. Lu Han is standing up, and not looking at him, and Jongdae is watching him move away, walking from their movie nest which had been fine just an hour ago, and Jongdae feels shut out. “Lu Han,” Jongdae says, pushing up and moving after him, not sure why he sounds angry because all he feels is rushed and frantic.

“Don’t,” Lu Han’s voice is a slap. So hard Jongdae stops and watches Lu Han grab his shoulder bag. “Just stop it. You can keep playing your game, just stop asking me to play with you.”

Jongdae never hears him actually say _I don’t want to_ but the strain in Lu Han’s voice is enough

He doesn’t see Lu Han’s face before he leaves but the sight of Lu Han’s back is enough walking away and not turning back is enough to make him feel terrible.

Standing in the living room looking down at the mass of blankets and pillows that he and Lu Han had made together to watch movies in, the sinking in Jongdae’s chest tells him that this isn’t Lu Han doing something wrong. This isn’t Lu Han being wrong for him.

This is Jongdae. Fucking everything up and finally reaping the results of it.  


๑

  
“No,” is out of Kyungsoo’s mouth before Jongdae can even properly tell him what happened. “I don’t even want to hear it. The look on your face tells me enough.”

“What does that even mean?” Jongdae huffs, trying to step into the apartment past Kyungsoo so he can wallow properly on their couch. Kyungsoo remains firm, a foot behind the door and preventing Jongdae entry. “Please? Can I come in?”

“No,” Kyungsoo says, and frowns more, purposefully looking more menacing. “I’m busy.”

“Kyungsoo,” Jongdae tries, leaning into the door and the whine in his voice isn’t intentional this time. He really needs to talk right now, to someone that isn’t Baekhyun. He can’t talk to Lu Han because Lu Han is entirely the reason he _needs_ to talk to someone about this. “Please?”

Kyungsoo gives him a long stern look as Jongdae looks at him pitifully. Then Kyungsoo sighs, hanging his head and Jongdae feels a small little bump of victory in his chest as he lets the door open a bit. Finally being allowed entry, Jongdae slumps into the apartment unit of his friends to Kyungsoo staring at him and Chanyeol looking up from the couch.

“What did you do?” Chanyeol asks, eyebrows raising as he puts down his newspaper and takes in Jongdae’s deflated form.

Sighing, Jongdae flops down into the couch, putting a hand over his face. “Why do you immediately assume _I’m_ the one at fault?” he asks, feeling heavy and tired and entirely bad.

“Because it usually is your fault,” Kyungsoo says, following behind him and sitting down in the arm chair opposite to stare at him in disapproving deadpan. “Especially these days.”

“What happened?” asks Chanyeol, the less annoyed and far more patient one at the moment, turning to give Jongdae his full attention.

“I-“ Jongdae pauses, faltering for a moment before he sighs. Lu Han’s face flashes through his mind, the expression on it, and the words that hit hard and which he turned over and over in his mind later and felt worse and worse. “I fucked up.”

“Wow,” Kyungsoo says, monotone. “Such a surprise.” He throws Chanyeol a dead look when Chanyeol tries to look at him in what Jongdae thinks is supposed to be a ‘kindness is important’ reminder.

“How did you fuck up?” Chanyeol asks, and something about his tone makes Jongdae feel like he’s being treated like a temperamental five year old.

Jongdae isn’t really good at organizing his thoughts, and explaining things in a sequential order and turning it into a running dictation and well ordered speech. Chanyeol is good at this, which is why he’s so good at his job which involves so much PR it makes Jongdae’s head spin. Usually, this ability helps Chanyeol pick apart what he says and organize it into a succinct and easy to understand reasoning behind his action so he can tell Jongdae he isn’t a complete nut job.

Today, as Jongdae sits on the couch and tells Kyungsoo (who looks increasingly annoyed and fed up) and Chanyeol about what happened, about how Lu Han basically told him he was in love with him and Jongdae is disillusioned, Chanyeol doesn’t look so forgiving. Instead, he looks very similar to Kyungsoo, and having two people semi-glaring at him makes Jongdae feel even worse.

As if the last twenty four hours hadn’t been bad enough, with Jongdae sitting and spinning over the ways in which Lu Han kind of had a point. Where Jongdae had to sit and think about his feelings and Lu Han’s feelings and ended up feeling even worse than he started.

“So then what happened?” Chanyeol asks, and he doesn’t sound understanding and forgiving at all, instead painfully disappointed.

“He,” Jongdae is really not doing well with forming proper smooth flowing sentences today. He sighs for the seventh time in the conversation and pulls a finger through his hair. “He walked out.” He wants to wince, to grimace, and maybe he does, trying not to let the flare of discomfort spread too fast through his chest. “He just walked out and hasn’t answered my calls.”

“Well, at least you’re trying to call him for once,” Kyungsoo scoffs, arms folded over his chest as he looks resolutely at the coffee table.

“Why are you so angry with me?” Jongdae finally snaps, turning to Kyungsoo. These are _his_ friends, and he feels very much like they aren’t at all on his side right now.

“Because,” Chanyeol says and reaches over to pat him on the knee. “You’re kind of a piece of shit.”

“Harsh,” Jongdae grumps back at him, letting his hand slide off his face to flop beside him, as sad and pathetic as he feels at the moment. “I’m not that bad.”

“But you kind of are,” Kyungsoo says, and still just glares at the recent edition of Knitting Know-How on the coffee table. “You’ve been acting like this is all some huge struggle for you since you met Lu Han.”

“It has-“ Jongdae starts to protest.

“Shut up!” Kyungsoo snaps, and the sharpness of his voice has Jongdae snapping his mouth closed very quickly. “This isn’t Lu Han’s fault. He never asked for this any more than you did. This isn’t a huge trial, this is you, being a dick.”

Jongdae has never had Kyungsoo yell at him before. Granted, Kyungsoo wasn’t actually yelling, instead far more of an angered regular tone of voice, but it still makes Jongdae feel like a scolded child. Before he can try to say something though, try to apologize, Kyungsoo is sighing and pushing up, walking swiftly to the kitchen and shaking his head angrily.

“Don’t,” Chanyeol says, tightening his grip on Jongdae’s knee. “Neither of you will be happy if you try to talk to him right now.”

“He’s my friend,” Jongdae protests, and frowns at Chanyeol. Chanyeol is Kyungsoo’s boyfriend, and Chanyeol hasn’t known him as long, been through as much, and despite his hard efforts to become a part of their friend group, he’s still not as close.

“And I’m telling you to give him space,” Chanyeol says and lets out a long sigh. “He’s mad at you right now-“

“Everyone is mad at me right now,” Jongdae grumbles.

“Yeah, well you kind of deserve it,” Chanyeol tells him, and while his voice is even and light, the words make Jongdae wince. “Jongdae, you haven’t exactly been the greatest example of a good friend, or person, to anyone in your life lately. Including yourself.”

“Is this one of those times when you give me life advice?” Jongdae asks, leaning a little away, because Chanyeol dishing out life advice always feels vaguely surreal.

“This is me telling you that you’re messing things up when you should just take a moment and think,” Chanyeol says. “Look, do you even know why you don’t like Lu Han?”

“I _do_ like Lu Han,” Jongdae immediately jumps back, the knee jerk response flashing out of him faster than he can stop it. It scares him, because he _does_ like Lu Han. A lot.

“Then why do you keep pushing him away?” Chanyeol asks, and Jongdae opens his mouth to answer but finds his answer too stale and stupid to say. Chanyeol smiles and, to Jongdae’s embarrassment and benefit, answers for him. “Jongdae, you need to stop comparing Lu Han to this idea of what you should be in love with compared to what you _are_ falling in love with.”

“I’m not-“

“You are,” Chanyeol doesn’t let him make excuses. He isn’t angry, like Kyungsoo, but he definitely isn’t letting Jongdae whine. “You have been since you met him, because he isn’t this prince charming fantasy you built up telling yourself you should have. I haven’t met Lu Han, but I can tell he’s far better than those stylized ideals you keep looking for in other people.”

Jongdae swallows, wanting to hold something to him or just grab onto a surface to keep from faltering. Chanyeol just pats him on the knee, like some sort of weird uncle, and smiles.

“You’ve been trying to find this idea of someone perfect for you as this soul mate but you’ve missed the whole thing.” Chanyeol sighs. “All those other people you dated, starting with Joonmyun and rolling on from there, you were in love with the idea of them, but this isn’t an idea, this is real.”

“So, you’re telling me I’ve been living in a fantasy,” Jongdae asks, sagging into the couch and feeling heavy. Chanyeol makes sense, his words sinking into him heavily and the more he says, the worse Jongdae feels.

“Basically,” Chanyeol says with a slow nod. “And now you’ve just been slapped in the face with reality.” He smiles, looking far too smart for his silly face. “About time really.”

“I’m glad to know you think I deserve this punishment,” Jongdae wiggles a bit more into the couch, just wanting it all to go away, the pain in his chest, and feeling of being sick at not being with Lu Han, the wonder of if this is the soul mate thing or something more personal.

“Actually,” Chanyeol says, and smiles wider. “I think you deserve worse for the shit you’ve put him through. I’d have punched you before now.” He lets out a soft laugh and Jongdae doesn’t think it’s funny. “He must really like you to have put up with that for so long.”

“I suppose I should thank Lu Han then,” Jongdae says dryly.

“Probably,” Chanyeol says and pats his knee again. “But I suggest being realistic with yourself and deciding if you’re ready to stop fucking him over first.”

“And apologize,” Kyungsoo says, striding back into the living room and wiping his hands on a towel. “Properly. And pray he forgives your sorry ass.”

“I’m so glad I have such supportive friends,” Jongdae sighs. He doesn’t feel better, instead just feeling more like a piece of shit, but at least his head is less tangled up in a mess of thoughts and feelings.

“Glad you appreciate us,” Kyungsoo says, snapping his towel in a way that Jongdae classifies as menacing. “Now get out.”

Jongdae ends up leaving after Kyungsoo snaps the towel again and Chanyeol takes his hand off his knee. Walking back from Chanyeol and Kyungsoo’s place, trying to think through the muddle of what Chanyeol had said and which flows through his own head, he ends up scrolling through his contacts list.

Since as long as Jongdae can remember, he’s had the vision of what he wanted, what he was going to find. As his friends fell in love, Jongdae watched them, seeing them sigh and smile and look like they just fit together so easily. He watched and waited for it to happen to him as well, to meet his soul mate and got scared when he didn’t instead looking for who he _knew_ he was supposed to be with.

People like Joonmyun. People like Li Yin. People like Yixing, and Sooyoung, and Donghae and Sojin who stepped into Jongdae’s life like something out of a dream, his dream. The people who he felt his heart stop for, his breath catch, and who he wanted to see he belonged with because they were exactly what he thought was just for him.

Jongdae doesn’t realize he has his phone pressed to his ear until Joonmyun picks up and answers with a polite sounding “Hello?” and Jongdae jerks back to attention.

“Hi,” Jongdae stumbles out. It’s been so long since he talked to Joonmyun, since he actually saw him in person, the last time being Joonmyun’s wedding when he smiled and kissed the woman he was _supposed_ to be with. “How are you?”

“Jongdae?” Joonmyun sounds surprised, and happy, like he never expected to really hear from him. To be honest, Jongdae had kind of hidden away for a while after the wedding, bitter that it _hadn’t_ been him that was _supposed_ to be with Joonmyun. “Wow, it’s so great to hear from you. It’s been so long, over a year I think.” He laughs, the sound so familiar and it makes Jongdae smile.

He missed him.

“How are you?” Joonmyun asks, and Jongdae can almost see him, the smile on his face and the patient expression lighting up his eyes, indulgent and kind and attentive. Aware and careful and detail oriented. “I haven’t heard from you in so long, I almost worried you were dead. Glad to know you are still with us and not speaking to us as a 4D Dae.”

Jongdae cringes when Joonmyun laughs, apparently still thinking the things he says are funny when they aren’t. “No, still alive,” Jongdae says, letting out a soft chuckle because Joonmyun did at least try to be funny even if he was so embarrassing while he did so. “How about you? How are things?”

As Joonmyun tells Jongdae about his life, rambling about his job, successful, his marriage, successful, his friendships, also successful and his hobbies, Jongdae realizes why he called him. Because Joonmyun was his ‘it’, the ideal and his first perfect match, who he should have been soul mates with and spent the rest of his life with.

According to himself, what he fixated on and saw in Joonmyun.

Hearing Joonmyun ramble on the phone about how his wife is almost as good at golf as he is and how he is pretty sure when their kid arrives, it’ll be taller than him, Jongdae realizes that Joonmyun is perfect.

Joonmyun is a wonderful perfect person. He’s just not actually perfect for Jongdae. It is kind of relaxing, as if Jongdae has just pulled up a huge weed in the garden and found the entire root system underneath that went so deep it clogged the ground around it.

“Anyway,” Joonmyun says, after a long winded explanation of how interesting accounting is. “Enough about me, what is new with you?”

Jongdae called to tell Joonmyun about Lu Han, about how things weren’t perfect and Joonmyun was and to try to get some sense out of this. Now, Joonmyun waiting on the other end for his reply, Jongdae doesn’t need to say anything, can’t say anything. Joonmyun is happy, in love with the person he married, his own soul mate, and Jongdae doesn’t need to drag him into this.

Jongdae isn’t soul mates with Joonmyun even though he thought he should be. Jongdae was in love with some parts of Joonmyun, the parts that he saw through his mind as perfect and what he should want and be in love with, but it wasn’t really Joonmyun. Hearing now how his wife teases him about his poor humor and yet indulges in his terrible want for couple outfits during golfing outings, Jongdae knows he didn’t love Joonmyun.

He loved the idea, his idea, of Joonmyun.

It makes him smile. He isn’t happy, but he is relieved, and while it feels like this is something he should have realized a long time ago, it feels nice to finally grasp.

“Nothing much,” Jongdae answers, watching his feet travel over the sidewalk down town, walking to Soojung and Amber’s apartment. He doesn’t want to be alone right now, still feeling a little too big inside of his body and too shaky to be left alone “I just wanted to say hi.” He can picture Joonmyun, and the mental image of his smile makes Jongdae do so as well. “I haven’t talked to you in a while.”

For years Jongdae told himself he was in love with people like Joonmyun, but now, talking to him now after what seems like being pushed in all the wrong directions, he can’t tell Joonmyun. He can’t tell him that he was in love with him.

Because he never was.

“Yeah, well, I’ve been busy and you never pick up your phone,” Joonmyun grumbles a bit, sound coming from his end of the line. “Does it still squawk?”

“Quack,” Jongdae laughs, turning down a side street. “Yes, it still quacks, Joonmyun.”

“I take it Baekhyun is doing well then,” Joonmyun says, and his voice is fond. It’s nice to talk to him, and Jongdae feels warmer, comforted almost. He really is talking to an old friend, and it does help him feel just a little better. “I got his and Zitao’s wedding invitation the other day. I can’t believe they sent it with metallic red writing though.”

“Zitao insisted,” Jongdae says, smiling at the memory of compromise between the couple, which was, in fact, Zitao hitting Baekhyun and complaining about him for an hour before Baekhyun told him he’d already put in the order and to cease the physical assault.

“Of course,” Joonmyun chuckles. “I guess I’ll see you at the wedding.”

Jongdae ends his brief conversation with Joonmyun as he enters the subways. He closes his phone without really telling Joonmyun why he called and feeling okay that he never really touched on the subject. Joonmyun doesn’t know about Lu Han, at least not until Jongdae figures things out and feels less like punching himself.

Calling Joonmyun had been good, because hearing him now, talking to him, and listening to him, had Jongdae not feeling that sudden rush of emotion, but just calm contentment. He stopped being in love with Joonmyun a long time ago, and perhaps he never was.

“No,” is out of Soojung’s mouth as soon as she opens the door and sees Jongdae standing there.

“What is it with people telling me no today?” Jongdae sighs as Soojung attempts to slam the door on him and Amber steps in to prevent it.

“Kyungsoo and I are starting a new movement known as Jongno Kim and we’re activating our protest today,” Soojung huffs at him before throwing Amber a suffering look and flouncing into the apartment.

“Hey,” says Amber, giving him a brief once over. “You look like shit.”

“Charming,” Jongdae gives her a weak smile. “That’s what I was going for. A visual aid to ensure I was given sympathy.”

“Try harder next time,” Amber says with a small amused smile as she steps back and lets him in. Soojung glares at him and refuses to let him sit on the couch. She also refuses to offer him any words of kindness and instead just shakes her head in disapproval in his general direction as he appeals to hers and Amber’s wisdom.

“So, good job,” Soojung says, when Jongdae finishes explaining what happened and how Lu Han just left and nothing is resolved and Jongdae feels vaguely ill constantly. “You finally found someone who works and who you actually care about and you fuck it up.”

“It all didn’t work for so long,” Jongdae tries to protest, feeling very attacked at the moment. Soojung has that effect when she looks at him sometimes.

“Because you kept refusing to look at things from under your stupid ideas,” Soojung interjects before Jongdae can continue. “Stop trying to explain why you can’t be in love with Lu Han when you could. Soul mates are one thing but in the end, you either fall in love or you don’t. And right now, you either drop it and stop or find a way to fix it because the way you’ve been acting is hurting both of you more than anything.”

If there were a general all encompassing word for the feeling of being hit in the face, given a long doctoral course in another language, and been put through the washer, it still wouldn’t entirely surmise Jongdae’s current emotional sentiments. As it is, he sits looking at Soojung and settles for the term ‘grievously and slightly nauseously forlorn’ instead.

He swallows, figuring opening his mouth is probably a dangerous thing to do with Soojung glaring at him at the moment. There are a few glares she has perfected, and this one usually means ‘defy me and I’ll eat you’. Amber looks vaguely more understanding sitting on the armrest of the couch.

Licking his lips, after a long pause when it looked as if Soojung was completely giving up hope for him, Jongdae finally inhales. It shudders, because he feels like he’s shaking. It’s the worst kind of shake, because his hands aren’t shaking, nor the rest of him, but inside his chest is, where his heart can’t figure out what it’s supposed to do aside from make problems. “So,” he says, an it warbles out of it.

Somehow, the tremor in his tone seems to have garnered some degree of appeal to the women before him. “What do I do?”

Jongdae barely ducks the pillow thrown at him by Soojung before she gets up and brushes her hair back with a haughtiness only Zitao could challenge. “Figure it out,” she says, before throwing Amber a look that Jongdae can’t quite read.

Amber sighs, shaking her head a bit before looking at Jongdae. “Really, this is your thing you have to figure out this time,” she says. “We’ve already told you what we think. You have to find out what you think now.”

“What does that even mean?” Jongdae half sighs, knowing kind of what it means but also still feeling shuddery and wobbly and an ache in his chest.

“Not sure,” Amber admits and at least has the humor to smile a bit. “But it sounded pretty cool.”  


๑

  
The crack through the sky has Jongdae’s spine stiffening, curling a little bit closer to his keyboard as he bites his lip. It’s always been something he never liked, the whole thunder and lightning spontaneous bangs and rumbles, cracking through the sky.

When Jongdae was younger, he’d lie in bed as the thunderstorms rolled over head and the sudden flashes of light and roars following had him curling closer to his teddies. He’d lie there, and think of when he would grow up and find his soul mate, when they’d hold him instead of him holding a teddy, and tell him it was going to be okay.

Not many know how, despite being the least likely to startle person most of his friends know, there’s something about those big storms that has always made him feel so small.

It’s a bit ironic how now, when he’s older and already feeling small and confused and trying to find his feet, just wanting someone to hold him, there’s another huge storm, this one raging outside of the office. The windows are gray and rain washed as Jongdae glances out of them, the fluorescent lighting casting the floor into a strange eerie glow. Another flash warrants through the sky, and Jongdae winces, feeling his spine lock as he waits for the rumble or the crash to shake the sound around him.

“Stop day dreaming,” Hyo says as she walks by, a stack of important looking documents in her arms. She barely looks up at him, instead just looking far too aware of the office around her. “Or I’ll give you something else to do in case you’re bored.”

“I’m conceptualizing,” Jongdae tells her and gets a raised eyebrow as she passes.

Except he’s not. Jongdae is instead sitting with a few hunches further into his computer feeling exactly the same as he did a few weeks ago before going in for the interview for this exact job. He feels shaky and worn and empty, wanting.

Wanting Lu Han.

Years ago, Jongdae had thought of a soul mate and what it meant to him. For most of his life, he’s kept on the same idea, thinking of meeting his soul mate, getting more and more anxious about it as his friends all paired off and he was left behind, alone and wondering if the line around his wrist would ever fade. He passed from job to job because he was more focused on finding his ‘one’ than finding what he actually needed.

That’s kind of what it all boils down to, Jongdae realizes, sitting there and looking over the latest mix track line up for the new song-set of basic jingles they’ve assigned him for this week. _Find any mistakes,_ is his job.

It all boils down to how he’s spent his whole life looking for the one he wanted, the one he believed was his and had this grand idea of, this perfection. It wasn’t a bad person, and Jongdae _had_ met and dated some of them and in the end…

It wasn’t what he needed.

Jongdae can look at Yixing and Joonmyun and see how perfect they are, like the piece of music before him for the basic jingle that has no errors and is exactly as it should be. What he wants.

But compared to the piece he had earlier this morning, which was something one of the trainees at the company had given him, big eyes shining behind his glasses and with shaking hands, it pales. The one from this morning was riddled with mistakes, small errors and didn’t follow the preset ideal of a piece.

But as a musical piece, Jongdae liked it immediately.

The idea of perfect that Jongdae has been holding onto since he was young and scared of the thunder rolling through his bedroom was never the prince charming he imagined coming in to banish the thunder. No one can banish it.

Sitting in the office and closing his eyes as he hears another roll of thunder, Jongdae breathes out slowly, trying to focus. Rather than the image of someone, this perfect idea, Jongdae thinks of Lu Han, who might not tell him everything is okay and the thunder will go away.

Lu Han would probably take a minute, looking for something else, and take his hand, hold on because Jongdae needs him there, and then smile. He might step too close and tell Jongdae with lips brushing to his ears to wait, counting between the flashes of lightning to thunder and hold his breath. He can let it out when he hears the thunder. When Jongdae did, Lu Han might laugh and tell him he almost failed, or try to tease him instead, but he would be there.

Lu Han isn’t perfect, his jokes weird and the way he laughs is far from attractive and he’s about as good at explaining things and understanding what Jongdae is saying sometimes as a stranger. Lu Han isn’t the idea of perfect that Jongdae wanted.

However, when Jongdae is sitting in the office and pushing down the bulge of fear in his throat, he wants Lu Han there, because Lu Han isn’t perfect, but he is kind of perfect for Jongdae.

Which is maybe what Jongdae was supposed to know all along, and just got wrapped up with when he focused so much on the idea rather than what was right in front of him.

“Seriously, I have other work for you to do,” Hyo says, passing by again, this time with another coffee. “Remember, you don’t have time to space off and slack off. You’re still on thin ice, boy.”

“Yes, sir,” Jongdae says, trying to tease and it falters as another crack of thunder has him hunkering down into his computer. Hyo simply raises an eyebrow before sauntering on down the office aisle.

Turning back to the work he has to finish up before he can tackle the next project, Jongdae remembers all the times that Baekhyun used to remark about how perfect Lu Han seemed for him. He cringes as the thunder rolls again and imagines how he will be coming to terms with the fact that Baekhyun was absolutely right.

Now, with the text messages and phone calls coming from his end, he can only hope that Lu Han meant it when they last were together and he as good as said he was in love with Jongdae. Jongdae figures he doesn’t have much else going for him at the moment.  


๑

  
“I’m proud of you,” Baekhyun says, around something crinkly and crunching into Jongdae’s ear over the phone.

“For talking to my boyfriend?” Jongdae asks, one eyebrow raising. It would work better if Baekhyun were here to see his expression, the impact mostly lost on the phone.

“No, for taking your head out of your butt,” Baekhyun says. “Mostly I’m amazed at how far shoved up there you managed to get it, but then again, people have put stranger things up their assholes.”

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae wants to hang up, to exile Baekhyun from his life, but he kind of needs his moral support. He’d call Kyungsoo, but the last time he mentioned trying to ‘fix things’, Kyungsoo told him ‘good’ and then started aggressively shredding cheese.

For the sake of Jongdae living past the age of thirty, he’d elected to call Baekhyun.

“Shh,” Baekhyun hushes him. “Just accept my praise and be honored I am giving it to you.” Jongdae resists the urge to roll his eyes. There would be no point. Instead, he shifts so he can avoid a stranger running down the street in extremely short athletic pants. “But really, this is good. Now you can finally get a plus one for the wedding instead of being lame and making us look bad.”

“Glad to know you’ve got that priority list sorted out,” Jongdae says, smiling a bit. It’s a nice day, and he’s off for the Saturday. It’s weird, considering he’s become so used to meeting with Lu Han on the weekends, that they’re not meeting with plans.

The curl of nervous apprehension gets stronger as he walks, trying to remember the way to Lu Han’s apartment and hoping he’s not actually busy today. Jongdae pushes down the idea of him out with other people, laughing with them and giving them his full attention, leaning in with that soft look in his eyes.

“Have you rehearsed your apology speech?” Baekhyun asks and Jongdae pushes his hair back.

“Yes,” Jongdae says, looking for landmarks. “It mostly goes ‘I'm sorry I was a dick can you please forgive me and by the way I like you a lot.’ Good?”

“You’re going to get dumped,” Baekhyun tells him before laughing loudly directly into Jongdae’s ear. “I hope you’re not actually telling Lu Han that because I’m judging him if he forgives you. That was terrible.”

“No, that’s not what I’m actually telling him,” Jongdae tells him and Baekhyun makes another eating sound. “I’m still figuring it out, but the basic details are talking to him about stuff, feelings, and apologizing.”

“Apologizing is probably good,” Baekhyun hums to him. “You could also go for a blow job but I feel like from what you’ve said, you two have been boring as shit.”

“Sex isn’t always the answer.”

“Says the guy who fucked Yixing on their third date,” Baekhyun throws back and Jongdae’s throat goes dry. He’d forgotten a bit, how it used to be, how it was before Lu Han. He’d forgotten how he would throw himself at people, like how he and Yixing barely got past truly getting to know each other before they were in bed and Jongdae was holding onto telling himself this was what he wanted rather than thinking.

“Yixing was different,” Jongdae says, though it sounds lame.

“Why? Because he was hot, or because you thought sleeping with him would magically make him your soul mate.” Jongdae swallows, feeling a little sick at the memories. He and Lu Han have only kissed, touched a bit, but mostly only kissed. The last time they were together, Jongdae shut him out so fast it sent them both spinning just because Lu Han got aroused. “You haven’t even hit third base with Lu Han, have you?”

“Not all people have to broadcast their sex life to their friends,” Jongdae says, the nervousness in his chest getting worse as it twists with regret. Jongdae is very good at judging people, he just didn’t realize he could judge himself, and he realizes he’s brutal.

“You literally told me about Yixing’s pecs in excruciating detail for an hour after dating him for a week,” Baekhyun throws back. “Don’t give me that shit.”

“Yeah, but Yixing was different,” Jongdae says, turning the corner that leads into the neighborhood Lu Han lives in. “He was-“

Jongdae’s voice dies at just the same moment as he almost drops his phone, nearly walking into the two people rounding the corner. He steps back fast, blinking fast, an apology forming on his lips, before he sees who it is and instead of “sorry,” he says, “Lu Han.”

As much as people talk up the whole ‘long time no see’ reunion, Jongdae doesn’t actually find the mix of surprise and happiness and fear and nausea all that great of a feeling. It actually makes him want to give up feeling things entirely just for that moment, especially since Lu Han is staring at him wide eyed and Jongdae has forgotten everything he’s going to say.

Thankfully, or unfortunately, depending on what perception is taken, neither Lu Han or Jongdae have to say anything, as instead the person Lu Han is with speaks instead. “Jongdae, what are you doing here?”

Jongdae recognizes that voice, and his own stomach plummets to Hell when he turns to look at sees who Lu Han is with.

“Please tell me I didn’t just hear Yixing’s voice,” groans Baekhyun over the cell phone still pressed to Jongdae’s ear. Jongdae snaps his phone closed, throat dry, and looks at the very obvious smiling face of Yixing who is standing beside Lu Han in one of his low cut shirts and looking polite and happily perplexed.

“Hi,” Jongdae says, because he has no idea what else to say. _Long time no see, thanks for all the sex too bad we didn’t work out_ sounds pretty fucking terrible as it rolls into Jongdae’s brain unhelpfully.

Lu Han is looking between them. Jongdae tries to look at him more than Yixing, but it’s awkward, because Yixing is looking at him like they used to be childhood friends and not semi-romantic fuck buddies – wannabe soul mates.

“How have you been?” Yixing asks, still smiling and now Lu Han is just staring at Jongdae.

Jongdae has only met Minseok, and Jongdae never met Yixing’s friends when they were dating. Yixing barely knew his friends; they never reached that point in their relationship, and it ended before that was brought in. Jongdae didn’t even know they knew each other, and now he wonders if Lu Han knew him _before_.

Fuck.

“I’ve been okay,” Jongdae answers, because it’s polite and if he ignores Yixing then it’s just going to make things worse. Though, seeing his current soul mate and boyfriend with his ex is a pretty bad situation, he will admit. “Actually I was on my way to-“ he looks at Lu Han, trying to implore in a look that this isn’t bad, that he’s not bad, to please ignore everything right now.

“You two know each other?” Lu Han says, speaking over Jongdae’s fading explanation as to what he was doing. If Lu Han had only answered his damn phone, maybe Jongdae could have avoided this.

Avoided Lu Han possibly knowing that until him, Jongdae had been so desperate to find his soul mate he’d tried to force it. He cringes internally.

“Yeah,” Yixing says, still smiling and apparently the only person unable to feel how uncomfortable this is. Yixing laughs and looks at Jongdae like he _knows_ him. Technically, he does. “We used to date a few months back.”

Lu Han stiffens, staring at Yixing and completely ignoring Jongdae, who can do nothing but look at Lu Han and hope this stops before it rolls away from him, before he can even try to fix this. Yixing is looking between them, still smiling a bit but looking a little confused. Jongdae tries to jerk his head to say _shut the fuck up_ but Yixing misses it.

“You were - wait,” something dark passes over Lu Han’s face, and when he turns to look at Jongdae, he looks so unlike the Lu Han Jongdae is used to seeing, it almost scares him. It doesn’t, because it hurts more and Jongdae just wants to reach out and stop it because this _isn’t_ how Lu Han was supposed to find out.

Lu Han wasn’t _supposed_ to find out.

“This is the guy you were _fucking_ who broke up with you because it wasn’t working for _him_ ” _Selfish_. The words hit in daggers and Jongdae does wince this time. “ _This_ is the guy you were dating when you met Sehun and fucked things up? The guy who came onto you and _tried_ to make things work and then kicked you out after _fucking_ just like that. That was Jongdae?” When Lu Han says his name, it isn’t kind, nor warm, it’s cold and hard and laced with disappointment. He almost spits it out, but the dip in his voice catches and Lu Han has never looked like this before.

Like he’s about to break but is holding it together only to be angry, fists clenching at his sides.

Jongdae wants to tell him no, that wasn’t him, but instead all the words stick behind his tongue and he can only watch as Yixing gets a small look of concern on his face.

“Well, it wasn’t quite that bad, but-“ Yixing looks at Jongdae like he’s apologizing to _him_ for how rude Lu Han is being.

In his mind, Jongdae can hear Chanyeol’s deep voice saying _but you kind of deserve it_. He doesn’t want to deserve this, he wants to stop it all so Lu Han stops looking at him like that.

Like he’s lost him.

“But that’s basically what happened,” Lu Han bites out. “Fucking hell.” Lu Han doesn't even look at him, just turns around with a thin mouth and fury in his eyes and Jongdae feels something snap.

“Lu Han!” cries from his lips before he can control it and Yixing’s eyes widen. Jongdae has no real idea what he’s going to say, only that he doesn’t want to see Lu Han walk away from him again and this time he knows why. Except now he has no idea how to keep him.

Lu Han does turn around. He turns around and glares so viciously at Jongdae that he may as well have hit him, shoulders shaking as his jaw clenches. “What?” he half yells, clear and sharp. “What, Jongdae? Is there more I need to know here? More people who are better, more idealistic shit about how this isn’t your fault and you don’t know? Or is it just that for some damn reason you couldn’t think that I’d be worth your time?”

Jongdae bristles at that. Jongdae may not have been great the last few months, and has had a worse time sorting through his feelings, but it’s not like he didn’t care. It’s not like he didn’t care last time they were together when Lu Han got mad after Jongdae didn’t get him off or ignored him or whatever. “If you’re pissed because I fucked other people and not you-“ he begins but Lu Han cuts him off with a sudden step forward.

“I don’t give a damn who you fuck,” he snarls, and his eyes flash before he grimaces and takes a step back, shaking his head. “No, I take that back. I do care.” His face pinches and he turns to the side, away. “This wouldn’t be such a punch in the gut if I didn’t care.” He opens his eyes and when he looks at Jongdae, Lu Han’s eyes aren’t closed, they’re blocked and hard and empty. “I just don’t care that I wasn’t one of them.”

Yixing looks scared now, staring at Lu Han like he’s putting together the pieces of a puzzle that he’s only just realized he’s doing. Jongdae wants to tell Lu Han no, that this isn’t what Lu Han sees, but the wise part of him (that sounds horribly like Chanyeol), tells him that’s a bad idea.

“It’s not like I was actually in love with them-“ Jongdae begins, trying to pull this back in the direction he needs it to go. Yixing gives him a strange look now that borders on the verbal equivalent of ‘excuse me?’

“Are you kidding me?” Lu Han scoffs, voice low and words under his breath as he steps back, a humorless smile on his face as he looks at Yixing.

“-and I didn’t fuck them because I was in love with them.” Yixing is now giving him a slightly soured look, but just looks a confused rather than insulted. Jongdae pushes on, hoping Lu Han would just listen, and understand that this is _different_. “I just hoped I would be.”

“Are you even listening to yourself?” Lu Han asks, and Jongdae is pretty sure he’s half asking him and half making a rhetorical question.

“I am!” Jongdae defends, wanting to grab Lu Han, be the one pushing into _his_ space for once. He would, if he didn’t think Lu Han might hit him. “I’m trying to say I want to have sex with you because I want to be with you.”

That came out wrong, but it didn’t, and Jongdae doesn’t really want to take it back when it was true. He wants to be with Lu Han, he realizes that now, and he wants it in all manners.

Lu Han doesn’t look pleased though, instead the opposite. “This was never about sex, Jongdae!” he yells, actually yells, and even Yixing flinches now as Lu Han’s voice cracks. He steps forward, as if to advance, and then stops, freezing before he looks away. Again. “You know what, you were right,” he says, voice suddenly quiet after his outburst and tight. “Maybe we can’t be soul mates.”

No. No, that’s the _exact_ opposite of what Jongdae is saying right now. “Lu Han,” he says, voice getting firmer as his own irritation grows. Lu Han _isn’t listening_. “You’re not listening to me. I _want_ to be with you.”

“No,” Lu Han is stepping back now, jaw clenching as his shoulders tighten. “I am listening to you.” It’s so cold, the distance Lu Han has put between them too big and Jongdae feels like even as he tries to make it smaller, it keeps getting bigger. “I’m finally listening to how you only care about what you want and not what others want, what they feel, and it doesn’t matter if I loved you regardless of if we had sex or not, because I don’t matter to you. That’s it.”

This is not at all how it’s supposed to be. Jongdae _never_ wanted this. It’s been a rough time getting here, but this is the point where things should get better, not worse. “Lu Han,” he says, and puts as much into his name as he can, willing Lu Han to look at him in anything but borderline hate.

“Lu Han,” Yixing says, carefully, like he’s worried if he speaks too loudly Lu Han will fall apart. Jongdae is pretty sure Lu Han will punch something before he breaks down though. “Maybe you should-“

“No!” Lu Han yells, stepping back further, as if burned. He closes his eyes, face pinching and Jongdae wants to reach out and comfort him for once. Even Yixing flinched when Lu Han yelled, and looks at his friend with pity, as if he wants to comfort him. “Fuck you, Jongdae,” Lu Han says in almost a whisper, turning further and raising a hand to push his hair off his face. He lets out a long shaking breath as words stick in Jongdae’s throat. “I’m not playing this game anymore.” His face twists hard. “Fuck you.”

Lu Han takes another step back, small, but enough that Jongdae feels a surge of fear, mixed with desperation and frustration. He’s _trying_ here and he keeps hitting walls that Lu Han is throwing up. “But I want to make this work!” he half yells, because he does.

And if Lu Han could only-

“Exactly, Jongdae!” Lu Han is yelling now, eyes opening to fire as his hand cuts through the air angrily. “ _You_ want to because it’s always about _you_. It’s _only_ about you and I’m tired of waiting for when it’ll be about me, or us, and when you’ll think of someone else instead of your own stupid wants.”

“I’m trying!” Jongdae says, sounding pathetic even to his own ears, Lu Han’s words biting into him and making him hurt, all over. That isn’t true. Jongdae…

“No, you’re not,” Lu Han hisses out between clenched teeth before he pulls back. Back and away and out of reach of Jongdae’s hands and words. “And if you are, it’s definitely not hard enough.”

That has a curl of anger rise in his chest, because Jongdae _is_ trying. “Fine,” he snaps back, his own fists clenching. “Then what do you want me to do, Lu Han?”

Lu Han finally looks at him, full in the face, and his mouth is set in a thin unforgiving line. “Leave me the fuck alone,” he says, low and serious.

“I don’t want to!” Jongdae growls back. If Lu Han had been listening, he would know that, but apparently-

“Well, too fucking bad!” Lu Han yells, and steps back once, twice. “For once think of what I want instead of what you want, and leave me alone.” Without another word, he turns, not even looking at Yixing as he walks swiftly away, shoulders tight and steps hard.

And it’s everything Jongdae _didn’t_ want to have happen, making to go after him, follow him and make him stay even if he’s pretty sure if he touches Lu Han he’ll get punched. “Just-“ barely gets out of his mouth before Yixing is grabbing him and holding him.

“Let him be,” Yixing says, shaking his head as Jongdae struggles for a moment. “Really, don’t talk to him right now. I don't think it would do either of you any favors.” He smiles a little bit when Jongdae stops trying to fight him and sags, watching Lu Han’s back get farther down the street, Lu Han shaking his head violently a few times.

“So,” Yixing says, letting go after a moment of making sure Jongdae isn’t going to try to make a break for it. “You’re Lu Han’s soul mate hard love baby.”

Jongdae cringes. “I really hope that’s not what he actually calls me,” he says, sighing before running a hand through his hair. His heart is beating in his chest like a sad feebly defeated bunny.

Yixing laughs, and it’s still a nice sound, still handsome when he smiles. Despite the circumstances, it is kind of nice to see him again. Yixing is a good guy, even if he wasn’t the guy for Jongdae.

“No, that’s what Sehun calls you,” Yixing says, his eyes lighting up as he smiles at him.

“Oh, well, that’s a relief,” Jongdae says, nodding a bit. “Who is he?”

“My soul mate, actually,” Yixing says, sounding slightly bemused and casual even as his smile turns up with a tinge of mischief.

Oh.

“I met him when we were dating actually, and he’s known Lu Han for a while.” Yixing is still smiling as he speaks, looking at Jongdae like he doesn’t care they used to date and Jongdae broke up with him after fucking. Definitely not the best move. “He doesn't like you, by the way.”

Jongdae’s stomach plummets. “Lu Han?”

Yixing laughs again. “No, Sehun.” He lets out another laugh. “Lu Han is kind of crazy about you.” A small quiver of hope rises in Jongdae’s chest. “Except now I think he wants you dead.” The quiver had as disappointingly short life span. “Just not permanently.”

“Of course,” Jongdae says, choosing not to argue with the way Yixing talks. He stopped a long time ago, knowing that sometimes Yixing just says things even he doesn’t quite understand. It’s best to just let him continue, lest everyone get confused.

“But you should give him some space,” Yixing says, looking a bit more serious. “I don’t think he’ll be ready to talk to you for a bit.”

“How long is a bit?” Jongdae asks tentatively, looking back after where Lu Han had stormed off.

“Probably less than a year,” Yixing says, and smiles at him like this is actually great news.

Unsurprisingly, Jongdae doesn’t find it so easy to smile back.  


๑

  
Before, when Jongdae had tried to call Lu Han after the ‘movie day altercation’, Lu Han had simply not answered his phone. This time, when Jongdae tries to call him, he gets met with either nothing, an answer and immediate hang up, and, on lucky occasion, Lu Han telling him “Fuck off” before ending the call before Jongdae can say anything.

Sitting during his lunch at work, Jongdae sighs after trying to call Lu Han three times and runs his hands over his face, trying to push down the tired lines around his eyes and the ache in his throat and heart. When his phone rings, Jongdae grabs it and answers with embarrassing desperation.

“Lu Han?” he blurts out, not caring that a few of his officemates look up with skeptical expressions.

“No, sorry,” answers back and Jongdae sags again, holding in the groan that threatens to crawl up his throat and flop into the receiver morosely. “He’s not really up to taking calls right now.” Minseok at least sounds a little apologetic. “Well, your calls.”

“Glad to know I’ve garnered a special status,” Jongdae grumbles, leaning on the table as he holds back a long heaving sigh.

“He’s pretty pissed at you,” Minseok tells him.

“That’s surprising, I hadn’t noticed,” Jongdae says, feeling dry and derisive and distaining of most bad news. Minseok doesn't think he’s funny. Jongdae doesn't think he’s funny either. “What are my chances of getting him to talk to me?”

“Pretty low,” Minseok tells him, and he sounds honest. “Definitely low, considering all his friends are pissed at you.”

“Including you?” Jongdae asks, trying to keep light but his stomach twists. Minseok is Lu Han’s roommate and best friend.

“Yes, including me,” Minseok tells him, and there isn’t any lightness in his voice. “He’s pretty miserable right now. I don’t like seeing him like this. And you did that.” There is a pause where Jongdae feels vaguely threatened. “I don’t like people who hurt my friends.”

“So you called me to warn me?” Jongdae tries, feeling a bit nervous on the phone. If all of Lu Han’s friends are pissed at him, sans Yixing, then Jongdae is going to have a hard time.

“No,” Minseok replies. “I called to tell you Lu Han doesn’t want to talk to you, or see you, or have anything to do with you. I called to tell you that you fucked up, and to make sure you get that right now you’re just making things worse.”

“What else am I supposed to do?” Jongdae hasn’t been in this situation before. He’s not exactly sure how to apologize to someone or fix things when they won’t talk to him.

“Figure it out,” Minseok says. “And make yourself something that he deserves.”

The line clicks as Jongdae’s mouth opens in indignation to protest, and his strangled garble of a rebuttal is given to a dial tone.

Jongdae almost considers going to see Lu Han in person again, but the memory of Yixing’s expression and the echo of Minseok’s words have him sighing and putting his face on the break room table again instead.  


๑

  
The thing is, without Lu Han, Jongdae has a lot of free time he never thought about before. Granted, now that he’s also not juggling two jobs and whatever else it was to be busy with before, he has more free time as well, but those don’t feel so much like empty spaces in his life. When it got like this, Jongdae isn’t exactly sure, but sitting around and realizing all the time he had been spending with Lu Han that he isn’t now makes him even more aware of Lu Han’s absence.

Lu Han still isn’t answering his phone calls, and Jongdae still isn’t any closer to figuring out how to find him and tell him he’s sorry when he isn’t sure exactly what he should be sorry for.

“Are you serious?” Baekhyun asks him before shaking his head and getting up, leaving Jongdae in the sitting space with Zitao as he frowns.

“What do you mean am I serious?” Jongdae asks, frowning as he looks after his best friend. “I was talking to you right before it happened. You know that wasn’t my fault!”

“Your fault?” Zitao scoffs, now frowning too. Both he and Baekhyun have been frowning at him since he came over today and Jongdae feels very targeted. “Of course it’s your goddamn fault. You slept with his best friend.”

“I didn’t know that,” Jongdae argues, frowning as well. “I never met Yixing’s friends and Lu Han never mentioned him before. How was I supposed to know? Besides, my thing with Yixing is in the past.”

Zitao is frowning too now, and he scoffs and turns away when Jongdae finishes only to look at Baekhyun with a sort of ‘can you believe this shit?’ expression that has Jongdae bristling. “I’m not a bad person!”

“I didn’t say you were,” Baekhyun replies. “Jongdae, I’ve never once have said you were a bad person for doing what you were doing.” Baekhyun is being serious, and it’s weird, considering usually it’s Kyungsoo who does the serious talks. Kyungsoo is currently late though, something to do with Chanyeol and Jongdae is sitting with Baekhyun and Zitao and feeling frustrated. “You just kind of have a habit of fucking things up.”

“I’m not trying to screw this up,” Jongdae protests. “I’m trying to make this work. Look, before I met Lu Han, I was trying to find my soul mate. Then Lu Han showed up, and we were soul mates but it was wrong. But I realized I didn’t understand that he’s perfect for me, and now when I try to tell him that, he’s angry.”

Zitao’s frown is even worse now. Baekhyun just sighs and pulls his hand through his hair, sitting down beside Zitao with a grunt. “We get that Lu Han is angry. You’ve said it like twelve times.”

“How am I even supposed to fix things if he wont talk to me?” Jongdae asks. “He told me to leave him alone and it’s kind of hard to talk someone around when they refuse to even listen.”

“Do you even know what you’re going to say?” Zitao asks, as a knock sounds on the door and Baekhyun gets up to answer it.

“To Lu Han?”

“Of course to Lu Han,” Zitao snaps. “Do you even know why he’s really upset? Why he’s pissed at you? Honestly, if I were him, I’d be pissed to.”

“For what?” Jongdae is exasperated. He’s been talking himself and others in circles, trying to call Lu Han and tell him he’s sorry so they can just move past this. “Why is he so angry with me? Yeah, I dated people before we met, but it’s not like I’ve been sleeping with them since. I’ve been dating _Lu Han_ and together with _Lu Han_ and giving this a shot. He’s the one refusing right now.”

“Seriously?” Kyungsoo asks, already looking disapproving as he walks in. “You don’t know why Lu Han is pissed and you’re trying to apologize to him?”

“It’s not like he isn’t at fault too,” Jongdae points out, thinking of how Lu Han hadn’t listened, still won’t listen. If only he’d answer and _talk_ to him, maybe Jongdae would understand.

“ _His_ fault,” Zitao scoffs, and stands a moment later, shaking his head. “According to you, it’s almost always his fault.”

“It’s not!” Jongdae doesn't feel helped, he just feels lost and terrible. “It’s not always his fault. It’s not his fault that I didn’t get it for a while, but now I do get it. And I’m trying to tell him that I get that he’s perfect for me, that we should be together.”

“So you’re going to just tell him that?” Chanyeol asks, following Kyungsoo into the living area. He looks exhausted, and Kyungsoo ends up pushing him into the sofa with a furrow to his brow. “Just tell him you've come to the stunning revelation that you should be together and that’s that?”

“Yes.” Jongdae wants to wince as soon as he says it, because while that is kind of the case, he feels like it’s wrong. It’s all been kind of wrong since Lu Han stopped talking to him, and since he can’t get the words right. “I mean, no, but-“

“You know what,” Zitao says, standing up and looking down at him with a severe frown. “You don’t really deserve someone perfect, for all your clamor and projecting, Jongdae,” he says and it stings. “Because you’re kind of a piece of shit.”

“What did I do?” Jongdae demands almost desperately as Zitao walks, looking pissed and fed up, Baekhyun sighing and shaking his head. “Why is it always my fault.”

“Because it _is_ your fault most of the time,” Baekhyun tells him, and he sounds tired, drawn as he follows Zitao down the hall leading to their bedroom.

“What did I say?” Jongdae asks, flabbergasted as he looks at Chanyeol and Kyungsoo.

“A lot, honestly,” Chanyeol says, giving him a sympathetic look. “And not enough.”

“It’s kind of a trend with you,” Kyungsoo tells him, and he sighs. He leans into Chanyeol when Chanyeol wraps an arm around him, a small faint smile ghosting before it’s gone and he just looks tired. “We’ve gotten used to it.”

“I thought I was doing something right,” Jongdae says. He’s so confused. Tired and confused are not fun, and Jongdae is discovering he really doesn’t do well with rejection, especially when he feels so drawn to Lu Han right now it’s making him sick. He can count the hours he slept last night on one hand. He doesn’t even use all the fingers.

“Well, you kind of were,” Chanyeol admits. “But you also went about it in a bad way. Then you had bad timing, and Lu Han got to see a part of you that definitely didn’t help things.”

“The side of me that slept with people?” Jongdae looks at Chanyeol with a raised brow. “I hardly think knowing I’m open to sex is a bad thing.”

“Him knowing you’ve had sex before doesn’t draw into it,” Kyungsoo grunts. “It’s the fact that you’ve literally been pushing him away since he met you and he just found out that he’s the exception to your ‘please have me’ rule of courtship.”

“I do not act like that.” Jongdae swallows down to a writhing stomach.

“You kind of do,” Chanyeol tells him, with a pained but supposedly sympathetic smile. “And until Lu Han, you haven’t really cared about the other part of the relationship.”

“Yes, I have,” Jongdae argues. They don’t know him, they don’t know what he felt or believed or how Lu Han is actually different. It makes him feel guilty, and he has enough making him feel bad right now.

“Okay, let me rephrase,” Chanyeol says. “You cared about the person you thought they were, how they ‘fit’ you because they fit the picture of perfect you latched onto.”

“But I _know_ the difference now.”

“Which is good,” Kyungsoo says. “Because now you can try to find out all the things you are doing wrong with that old mentality.”

“Lu Han is angry-“

“No shit.” Jongdae doesn’t really know how else to explain Lu Han right now aside from ‘angry’.

“- but he’s also hurt,” Chanyeol continues, like Jongdae hadn’t rudely interrupted him. “You haven’t exactly made this easy for him Jongdae, and finding out the reason why definitely would be a blow for him, especially when he’s been trying so hard.”

“He’s…”

Lu Han always showing up and surprising him, taking on dates, and not getting too close when he found out it bothered Jongdae. Lu Han and his soft smiles, patience, his teasing and how he listened and didn’t change for Jongdae, just worked with him and how once Jongdae let himself, how easy it was for him to fall into comfort with him, how Lu Han let him in. How he knows Lu Han’s secrets now, his fears and his flaws and how Jongdae still was so quickly falling in love with him anyway.

The way Jongdae misses him, not just because they were intimate, because they _haven’t_ been, not really, and especially not by Jongdae’s usual speeds. It felt better to go slow though, the build up between touches and how last time, Lu Han never made him do anything he didn’t want. Something about that, where he knows how Lu Han isn’t perfect but fell for him anyway, feels so different.

“He’s never expected me to be perfect,” Jongdae says, sitting back and feeling heavy.

“You’re very far from perfect,” Kyungsoo tells him, though it is with affection rather than malice. “He just found out, in probably the hardest way possible.

“Like ripping off a band-aid,” Chanyeol adds with a nod. “Made of ducktape. So it really fucking hurt when it got ripped off.”

“So I have to apologize for not being perfect?” Jongdae is pretty sure there is something wrong with that picture.

“No,” Chanyeol says and almost looks like he wants to laugh. It’s hard to tell, because Chanyeol’s laughing face is also his potentially in pain face. “But now you have to figure out what you do have to apologize for.”

“We can’t do everything for you,” Kyungsoo tells him. “We have enough to deal with already.”

“Says the perfect couple,” Jongdae grunts, curling up on the couch. He’s exhausted, and the sigh Chanyeol lets out mirrors how he feels. “Why can’t I have it easy, too?”

“I think the only person not making it easy is actually you,” Kyungsoo says, and Jongdae presses his eyes closed to block out for just a moment. Block out how this would all have been easier if he’d never built up those expectations at all, and if maybe Lu Han had never spilled coffee on him in the first place.  


๑

  
It’s been over a week since Jongdae last saw Lu Han, and over two weeks since Jongdae saw Lu Han and neither of them was upset. It’s been a really long time since Jongdae got to spend time with him, see him and joke and tease and just have him there and Jongdae has discovered that he really, really misses him.

“I didn’t realize how bad this would be,” Jongdae sighs, curled up in the squishy armchair and tugging at his shirt cuff.

“Yeah, well you two were always around each other,” Soojung says, sipping carefully from her tea cup. “When it was you playing ‘hard to get’ he was always trying to see you and then once you stopped being a dickhead, it was almost like you saw each other daily.” Jongdae lolls to look at her, all pretty and dressed up as he sits across from her at this nice café in the shirt he went to bed in last night. “You really made a mess of this for yourself. I had hopes for once.”

“For once?” Jongdae asks, as she takes a bite of cake and looks so nice eating. Lu Han looks horrible when he eats, because mostly he does it to consume whereas Soojung is aware of not looking like a starving human. “Is your faith in me that low?”

“Yes,” Soojung says bluntly and Jongdae relents as she arches a perfect brow at him. “But I can see you are suffering now.” She smiles.

“You’re pleased,” Jongdae observes.

“You kind of asked for it,” Soojung tells him with a shrug. “But I’m glad that you care so much about him. I’m glad he cares so much about you, too. You wouldn’t have fallen in love with him if he didn’t. You’d never be feeling like this if he hadn’t tried so hard.”

“Now I feel more like an asshole,” Jongdae sighs. It’s like every person in his life has made it their mission to tell him he’s a jerk. This never happened before, the other dates and people he got involved with just passing by and some small smiles, but nothing where he called out as a dick bag.

“Good,” Soojung says, smiling more now. “You should. But you should also try to think about what you actually feel now that you have some space because Lu Han doesn’t want to see or talk to you.”

“I feel miserable,” Jongdae surmises simply.

“Because you’re in love with him?”

“Because.” That’s not why. “Because.” Jongdae frowns, the real answer somewhere just out of his grasp. “Because I don’t like being this way.”

That has Soojung raising both of her eyebrows. “What way?” she asks slowly, setting down her teacup.

“I don’t know,” Jongdae sighs, finally sitting up and taking his own now lukewarm tea. “The kind of person who thinks only of himself and screws up things without seeing their worth.”

“Kind of like how you’re not messing up with your job?” Soojung asks, and Jongdae pauses.

“Yeah,” he says, slowly. The job where he’s almost through the two month trial period before he’s an official employee, given certain stability. The job that Lu Han helped him initially get and which he’s actually focusing on. Trying hard in. “Kind of like that.”

“Lu Han isn’t a job though,” Soojung tells him, a small smile on her lips as she takes another sip of tea. “But think of how your mind changed with your job, your life, and what it means.”

“That I grew up?” Jongdae suggests.

“More like you found a reason to try.” Soojung puts down her teacup. “I’m not saying you never tried before, but you’ve always had expectations of things in your life. I feel like you started over with this new job, forgetting what you thought you should have and actually focused. Expectations aren’t bad, but with you, they’re a mixed bag.”

“So I shouldn’t expect things,” Jongdae frowns at her.

“Well, if you go about it like that, you should probably expect to be smacked,” Soojung informs him. “Just think about yourself, what you actually feel, and what’s important to you. Why is Lu Han important to you?”

“He’s my soul mate,” Jongdae answers, feeling confused but somehow relieved.

“Aside from that,” Soojung waves off. “Sure, he’s your soul mate, but that’s not the reason you love him. And it’s not the reason he loves you.” Sitting back, she smiles, almost fondly at him like he’s a silly kid just learning about crushes.

Why is Jongdae in love with Lu Han?

That rolls around in Jongdae’s mind for the rest of the early afternoon, after saying goodbye to Soojung and leaving to go poke around the bookshop downtown. He kind of misses working here a little, the feel of the books and the quiet so different from when he’s in the bustle of Twined Pendulums Music. He smiles though, because while he has many memories of all the jobs he used to work, he’s happy where he is now.

His mind is turning over things about Lu Han that crop up as he pulls over why his heart does things regarding him when his phone quacks. Quickly checking the message, he tries not to feel disappointed when he sees a message from Yixing rather than Lu Han.

_Yixing: 3:27 – Hey. Are you busy this afternoon?_

Jongdae types back a brief vague ‘not really?’ before wandering back into the sunlight.

His phone quacks again.

_Yixing: 3:29 – Good. Do you think you can come chat for a minute?_

Jongdae frowns at his phone, staring at the message and wondering where exactly he’s supposed to go. Yixing’s apartment seems like a terrible idea considering Yixing is supposedly happy with his soul mate who apparently doesn't like Jongdae. He looks up though, and his answer is given to him when he sees Yixing waving at him from the small deli across the street.

Yixing smiles when Jongdae walks in and towards him. The taller man with intense facial structure and hardcore eyebrow game beside him doesn't smile as much as stare at him, and Jongdae assumes this might be a good time to be polite.

“What’s up?” Jongdae asks, after waiting for Yixing to introduce his companion and being left disappointed.

“I just haven’t seen you in a while,” Yixing says as his companion sits and stares at Jongdae and doesn’t smile. In fact, he looks rather pissed. “I wanted to catch up. We didn’t really get a chance to when I ran into you before. You know, because of how you and Lu Han-“

“Yeah,” Jongdae cuts him off, watching how Yixing shrugs apologetically and his friend looks even less happy that he’s alive. “Yeah, not a lot of time to catch up with all that. Not really a great reunion.”

“No,” says Yixing’s friend, a very low voice coming out of his mouth and Jongdae swallows at how serious he looks. “Definitely not a great reunion.”

Jongdae swallows, half tempted to back away slowly as the other man stares him down.

“Oh, sorry,” Yixing says, and _laughs_. “I forgot to introduce you. Jongdae, this is Sehun. He’s my soul mate actually. Sehun, this is-“

“I know who he is,” Sehun says, and he’s frowning now. It’s much more unnerving than just staring, seeing as he genuinely looks displeased that Jongdae is here, alive, and breathing. “You don’t need to tell me who he is.”

Sehun looks angry. Jongdae faintly remembers Lu Han mentioning that Yixing and Jongdae had been dating when Sehun and Yixing supposedly met. Jongdae doesn't remember seeing Sehun ever, but recalling that Yixing waved it off as unimportant in passing, Jongdae hadn’t thought it was a big deal.

Judging from the look on Sehun’s face though, he might actually consider it a big deal. It may also contribute to how he looks ready to glare him to death, or hit him, depending on what that scowl indicates.

“Hi,” Jongdae says, and tries not to say something like ‘I see you’ve got your face stuck, that’s unfortunate’ and instead smiles politely. “Nice to meet you.”

“Can’t say the same,” Sehun says and Yixing looks a bit wilted as he glances between them. “I‘m sorry, but your reputation precedes you a bit, Jongdae.”

“I hope you aren’t disappointed,” Jongdae tries for lightness. It falls as flat as Sehun’s face and Yixing even winces. “I’m also not here to have people pissed at me,” he adds, stepping back a bit. “I have enough of those at the moment, so if you’ll excuse me.” Jongdae already has Lu Han angry with him, he doesn’t need Yixing’s actual soul mate pissed at him too and shoved in his face because Jongdae supposedly fucked up their meeting.

“Actually, we wanted to talk to you,” Yixing rushes to say, reaching out to grab his arm.

“Really? I thought you were glaring at me and making rude remarks,” Jongdae says, looking directly at Sehun. “Look, I’m sorry that I apparently fucked up how you two met, but you obviously found each other again and-“

“I don’t dislike you because you broke up with Yixing in a shitty way,” Sehun interrupts him, eyes widening a bit as he glances at Yixing. “Frankly, I’m glad you dumped him, because then we got to be together. I’m don’t like you because you’ve hurt my best friend, and watching Lu Han hurt is pretty pathetic.”

Jongdae frowns. “I thought Minseok was Lu Han’s best friend,” Jongdae says, feeling slow and also wary because Sehun looks like he’d crush him right now and not feel a smidgeon of remorse.

“Yeah, well, apparently you fuck up a lot of things and get them wrong,” Sehun snarks back and _rolls his eyes_ in a manner that suggests Jongdae breathing exasperates him.

“So you’re here to make me feel bad about what’s going on with Lu Han and me?” Jongdae retorts. He can feel his irritation bubbling under his skin. “To make me feel like shit? You don’t have to, okay, I already do.” It’s probably a bit overstepping, but Jongdae really does feel bad, and he’s got enough to deal with having his own friends on him about fixing things.

“No,” Yixing says, and somehow still looks sympathetic even as Sehun looks entirely unforgiving beside him. “Not exactly.”  
“Well, a little,” Sehun says and when he looks at Yixing, Jongdae can see his eyes soften a bit. It hurts, because Jongdae is immediately reminded of Lu Han, how his eyes would soften, and he _misses_ it. He misses him. “But mostly I wanted to tell you that he’s miserable.”

“Great,” Jongdae replies. He doesn’t want to think about it, though he can’t stop thinking about it. “Thanks for that. Really helpful.”

“Jongdae, wait,” Yixing says, tugging at his wrist and Jongdae just wants to leave. He doesn’t want to keep being reminded that this is his fault, how he has to fix something he’s still working out and how his feelings are complicated and Lu Han is angry at him. He just wants to breathe.

“Why?” Jongdae asks, turning sharply to them both. “So you can remind me that it’s my fault?”

“I don’t like seeing Lu Han hurt any more than you probably like causing it,” Sehun says and the bite in his voice isn’t what catches Jongdae to pause, it’s the concern. “He’s miserable, and unhappy and sighing and it’s terrible and it’s because of _you_.” Sehun closes his eyes and breathes out, tongue poking out to wet his lips as he apparently controls himself. “So we’re asking you to do something about it, because I hate seeing him like this.”

Up until that last point, Jongdae may have felt a little less caustic, but when Sehun opens his eyes and looks at him like he’s just told him the answer to everything, he stiffens. “And you think I do? Fuck, I haven’t even been _able_ to see him, and I don't know what is worse right now. Not seeing him or seeing him and actually knowing.” he snaps back. “It’s not like I haven’t been trying to contact him. _He’s_ the one ignoring me and refusing to talk to me.”

“You keep calling him during his work shifts,” Sehun snaps back, looking annoyed again. “What do you expect? Of course he’s going to ignore you. Do you even understand why he’s hurt?”

Jongdae wants to say yes, because he does have kind of an idea as to why, but he can’t really because there is still a part of him that doesn’t know.

“Sit down,” Yixing tells Jongdae, looking far more patient than Sehun as he pulls out a chair for Jongdae and offers it to him with a smile. Glancing at Sehun to see if he’ll be rabid about his boyfriend being overly courteous to him, Jongdae carefully takes the seat. “I promise we’re not here to make you miserable.”

“You’ve already done that for us,” Sehun says and smiles. It’s such a dramatic change from his previous facial expressions Jongdae isn’t quite sure how to react.

“So what are you here for?” Jongdae asks, looking between the two of them.

“Lu Han is miserable,” Sehun says. “We want to make him not miserable. And the best way to do that-“

“Is to help you,” Yixing finishes with a look to Jongdae.

Jongdae sits and stares at them, feeling a little numb.

“You fucked up,” Sehun says, and tilts his head as if in further judging assessment of Jongdae. “Really bad. So I’m here to tell you how bad-“

“And to help you understand what to do,” Yixing adds.

It’s strange, watching them talk together, like Sehun is one edge and Yixing pulls at it a little bit. It’s like they’re a push and pull, Sehun more direct and flat facts and Yixing revealing with just a turn that what Sehun is saying isn’t entirely malicious. “Okay,” he says, looking between them both.

Jongdae for as long as he can remember had an idea of a soul mate, someone he would be with and focused on that, only that really, for most of his life. He built up an idea of them, held people against it, and in the end began looking for people who fit that mold. People like Yixing.

Lu Han, as Sehun explains, is the opposite. Lu Han grew up not caring about finding the perfect one, but rather focusing on what he thought was important. He tried hard in school, in sports, in extra activities and focused on his friends. Lu Han dated a few people before, but never forced feelings. Lu Han was patient, and just kept in mind that he’d meet his soul mate, and he’d either fall in love with them and make it work, or he wouldn’t.

“And then he met me,” Jongdae says after Sehun explains a few things, about how Lu Han would tease him when Sehun got upset over how their other friends had love and he didn’t, telling him not to worry.

“Then he met you,” Sehun nods, and sighs. “In one way, it was better how you two met, because you never really tried to act like someone you aren’t. Lu Han gets frustrated and annoyed, but he likes challenges and when he has something he likes or wants, he fights for it. Really, really hard. It’s a bit like a contest, and you gave him that.”

The weeks of Lu Han trying, of learning about him and Jongdae giving in bit by bit. It was like a game, and Jongdae never realized he was playing it. Thinking back now though, he remembers how Lu Han’s eyes would light up when he moved forward with him, or how he’d smile when he did something to fluster Jongdae.

“He kind of saw me at my worst,” Jongdae sighs, eye catching his wrist and remembering when it had always had a line to show he was waiting.

“No,” Yixing says. “Never at your worst, but he definitely knew you and he was definitely honest about himself. Which is rare.”

“What do you mean?” Jongdae frowns.

“Lu Han doesn’t like to let too many people in,” Sehun explains after exchanging a brief look with Yixing. “He likes to keep a distance with some people, keep them guessing but also to keep himself safe. He didn’t really do that with you. It scared him, a lot.”

“He thought for a period that you really might have been right,” Yixing says quietly. “About not being soul mates, and it being an exception. He almost just stopped.”

The night of their dinner floats to Jongdae’s mind, when Lu Han had looked so closed off and shut down, pulling away and a fake plastic smile slipping over his features. It felt so wrong, and Jongdae fidgets as he thinks of Lu Han doing that to others. Of what it means that Jongdae never saw it.

“The problem is that you never really held back,” Sehun says, and presses his lips together as he looks at Yixing.

The reality is that Jongdae never really showed anything but himself, not caring to try to make a good impression and instead just brushing things off. Apparently, instead of deterring Lu Han like he’d initially thought, Lu Han hadn’t seen it as a bad thing. “Lu Han fell in love with _you_ ,” Yixing tells him. “Not an idea of you, because you never really gave him a false idea in the first place.”

“He’s still under ‘coffee pervert’ in my phone,” Jongdae admits absently, the thought playing through his mind and out of his mouth before he thinks it through.

“Charming,” Sehun says, wincing.

What broke is that Lu Han was afraid that while he knew how he felt about Jongdae, never had any reason to question it or be upset about it, he knew it wasn’t necessarily mutual.

“But it _is_ mutual,” Jongdae rushes to say and Yixing shushes him.

“Is it?” Sehun goads. “Because nothing you’ve really done or said or shown him would never tell him that.”

“So what am I supposed to do? Go apologize with flowers?” Jongdae asks, feeling tired and wrung out. This is grueling enough, and as much as Sehun and Yixing help, it also just shows Jongdae how much he never really paid attention to Lu Han and learned about him.

“Definitely not his style,” Sehun says, and something about his mouth suggests a smile but Jongdae isn’t sure. “Also, don't go with chocolates. He’s too much of a health nut and not enough of a romantic.”

“I wasn’t being serious,” Jongdae says, feeling a little lost that Sehun is now outright holding down laughter. “About the flowers, I mean.”

“Good, don't do flowers,” Sehun says and the sudden dramatic shift from ‘almost giggling’ to ‘serious with some attitude’ has Jongdae side eyeing Yixing in confirmation this is real. Yixing is currently busy smiling at Sehun in affectionate amusement. “But yeah, go and apologize. Lu Han doesn’t like talking about his feelings-“

“Most of the time,” Yixing adds helpfully.

“- but if you two don’t work this out, I’m going to have to listen to him sigh at me for the next who knows how long. And I can’t take much more of it.” Sehun finishes with a sigh of his own. Then, to Jongdae’s disbelieving eyes, he leans over and rests his head on Yixing’s shoulder, as if greatly fatigued by the ordeal of discussing things at length with Jongdae.

“I’ll do my best,” Jongdae tells him. Sehun watches him and scrunches up his nose a bit before he softens as Yixing takes his hand.

“Good,” Sehun says, and nudges Yixing with his head to get him to also look at Jongdae. “You should. From what I’ve heard, it’s about time you did.”  


๑

  
The nice thing about being back in touch with Yixing, is that aside from Sehun’s _glowing_ personality added to his group of friends, he also has far more insight as to how to stalk Lu Han. Granted, Jongdae isn’t especially familiar with stalking, seeing as he typically operates on a far more direct approach, but considering Minseok supposedly is watching for him like an overbearing protective hawk, Jongdae has elected to more ‘crafty’ measures.

“So you’re stalking him in a creepier way,” Amber surmises when she overhears Jongdae on the phone with Yixing.

“It’s not stalking,” Jongdae tells her with a hand over the receiver. “Stalking is malicious. This is loving.”

“That’s what stalkers say,” Amber points out with a significant look and Jongdae frowns rather than argue.

But it is through checking in with Yixing on a causally attentive basis that Jongdae knows Minseok is going to be out on most of Sunday to see his girlfriend, leaving Jongdae the opportunity to try to see Lu Han. Which he does, dressed nicely after Kyungsoo redressed him four times the night prior before just telling him to wear black. Jongdae had wisely refused, knowing that showing up to see Lu Han dressed like he was going to a funeral was probably not wise.

Just out of courtesy, Jongdae did try to call Lu Han about three times this morning, hoping that he’d pick up and Jongdae could do something like warn Lu Han before he came over and sat him down. Or sat on him. Whatever it took to get Lu Han to listen to him and talk to him again. As he stands outside Lu Han’s door feeling his heartbeat in his tongue, he rationalizes Lu Han as good as asked for Jongdae to come and visit him in person.

Just to make sure he wasn’t dead.

Knocking in tandem with the pulse in his ears, Jongdae waits. And then waits more. Knocking again feels rude but he does it anyway, trying to breath through the nerves and anticipation and trying to remember what he has to tell Lu Han. It’s been nice having a little bit of time, and a bit more of clarity. Considering the time between his initial conversation with Yixing and Sehun, Jongdae has had a bit of time to consider how he feels, how Lu Han may feel, and has a bit of an idea of what to talk about.

If Lu Han opens the door.

After ten minutes of waiting, Jongdae tries to call again, and as his cell phone is pressed to his ear, knocks again.

“C’mon,” he says without meaning to into the receiver, mind of waiting for the door to open or for Lu Han to pick up or give him _something_ to work with. Currently working with nothing has been extremely frustrating. “Open the door or pick up your phone. C’mon Lu Han, work with me here.”

It might be asking a lot, considering Jongdae himself did a bit of a poor job initially working with Lu Han, and only marginally got better.

A small part of him twists as the phone continues to ring out, wondering if this is how it’s always going to be. If they’re always going to be pushing and pulling each other. Yixing and Sehun were one thing, but he and Lu Han are different. It makes him both excited and anxious and his mind is turning over how if this is how they start, where it goes from there when the door clicks and suddenly swings open, nearly smacking him in the face.

“For Fucks sake, I heard you the first thousand knocks,” growls from a familiar voice that has Jongdae’s heart jumping into his throat.

To put it nicely, Lu Han looks like he just got out of the shower. To put it honestly, Lu Han looks tired and angry and worn, squinting and with his hair untidy and in clearly hastily thrown on clothing. He also looks confused, squinting and blinking for a moment before his eyes widen.

“Hi,” Jongdae wants to say, forcing it past his lips as Lu Han stares at him half hanging out his door and looking like he’s just been rolled through the shower rather than properly taken one. It’s amazing how seeing him even like this, tired and shitty, is definitely a sight for a sore heart. Jongdae wants to say “hi” but instead when he opens his mouth, Lu Han stiffens and his eyes narrow.

“What are you doing here?” comes out low and gruff, Lu Han straightening up and standing at his full height, so he looks down on Jongdae. His grip on the door handle has tightening and Jongdae’s throat tightens with it.

“I wanted to see you,” Jongdae says, as honest and sincere as he can. He wishes, as stupid as he knows it is, he had brought flowers. Flowers are for apologies, and even if Sehun told him no, at least they’d be some sort of defense if Lu Han decided to punch him. Lu Han doesn’t smile at all, instead the corners of his mouth turning down.

“Why?” he asks, and there is a bite to it. “To see if I’m perfect yet? If I can live up to your standards?” Jongdae’s stomach twists, and not in the good nervous perhaps this will work sort of way. “I’m not,” Lu Han continues, his eyes flashing before they close behind another wall. It’s horrible, Jongdae realizes, being so shut out from him. He’d never realized how open Lu Han was with him until he wasn’t. “I thought you decided that a long time ago.”

“I’m not here to see if you’re perfect, Lu Han,” Jongdae says, making sure he’s clear. Because he knows Lu Han isn’t perfect. But he doesn’t need to have Lu Han perfect because Lu Han is kind of perfect in an imperfectly perfect sort of way. Which is what is important. “I’m here to see if you’re still mad at me-“

“I am,” Lu Han cuts him off, voice sharp and glare sharper as he stares down Jongdae. “I am still mad at you and I don’t really want to be reminded of why.”

“I’m not here to remind you,” Jongdae begins, wishing he had cue cards or something, because everything he wanted to say is getting jumbled into itself in his head. “I’m here to talk to you. Because I miss you.”

Maybe not the first thing he was supposed to say, but at least it is honest.

“Well that sucks,” Lu Han says, and his voice still cuts. “I don’t really want to talk.”

“What do you want then?” Jongdae asks, because most of the whole ‘fixing things’ depends on them talking.

At that, Lu Han’s mouth closes, pressing into a thin line. “I want to start over,” Lu Han says, and his voice comes out softer than Jongdae expects it. This time, when Jongdae looks at him and matches his gaze, he can see the flicker of pain behind Lu Han’s eyes.

The worst feeling in the world, Jongdae discovers, is not having his heart broken or being let down or disappointed. The worst feeling in the world is seeing the person he loves in pain, and knowing it’s his fault.

“We can’t start over,” Jongdae says, because they can’t. That’s the worst part of this, because it’s been fucked up from the beginning, since they met and Jongdae hated him before he ever gave him a chance. “We can only keep going forward.”

Lu Han’s face wrinkles up in a grimace, his messy hair giving him a sloppy unkempt look and Jongdae still wants to reach forward and run his fingers through it. “I’m tired of fighting to go forward,” Lu Han tells him, and his eyes drop.

“Are you giving up on me?” Jongdae asks before he can stop himself and Lu Han looks back up at him sharply. His eyes are no longer dulled and shut down, they’re angry.

Damnit.

“ _I’m_ giving up?” Lu Han asks, his voice heated. “Sure, Jongdae. I’m giving up. I’m frustrated and mad and I don’t want to talk to you because I’m sick of bullshit.”

“I am not trying to feed you bullshit,” Jongdae interjects, wanting to gesture and push his way into the apartment that Lu Han looks about to shut him out of. “I never really fed you bullshit.”

“Didn’t you?” Lu Han’s glare is extremely hard. “Or was the whole thing about how you had been waiting and wanted to take things slow just a show. A game to you. This isn’t a game, these are real feelings and real people you’re fucking around with.”

“I am not trying to fuck with your feelings, Lu Han,” Jongdae retorts, a bit louder as his frustration mounts. “It’s not a game, and I’m not laughing. But it is a game, I just want to stop playing because right now I’m losing.”

“Well, that must suck for you,” Lu Han spits, jerking back. “Have fun dealing with losing for once.” Before Jongdae can open his mouth and tell him that’s not what he meant though he isn’t sure what he meant now, the door slams shut and Lu Han is gone.

It is highly unlikely that Jongdae knocking on the door will get Lu Han to open it again, and even less likely he’ll answer the phone if Jongdae calls. Jongdae spends a few moments in the hall getting his own temper under control, keeping from yelling in exasperation and yelling at Lu Han through his door. It certainly wouldn’t help things.

Neither would slumping against the door and sliding down it to sprawl uselessly on the floor. Jongdae does it anyway, pulling out his phone and scrolling through his contacts, trying to figure out who to call.

“Why are you here?” startles Jongdae out of switching between Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s names of who is better to call at the moment. Looking up, he sees Minseok standing hand in hand with a woman Jongdae doesn't know, both of them holding coffees and staring at him in perplexity.

Sighing, Jongdae lets his phone drop to his lap. “I wanted to see Lu Han.”

Minseok’s expression darkens. “Jongdae,” he says, and then closes his eyes, letting out a sigh that Jongdae hadn’t been expecting. “Go home.”  


๑

  
It takes about four days before Jongdae hears anything really. Yixing tries to keep him in the loop, but apparently Minseok caught wind of what he had been doing and isn’t ‘happy.’ Sehun is just annoyed at him, or exasperated, or has given up. Jongdae hasn’t really understood how to read Sehun well enough yet to tell.

The improvement is that Lu Han finally answered one of Jongdae’s many text messages. This ended up being less helpful and progressive though when they got into a conversation that spun in circles and was in the middle of the work day for both of them. What started out as a simple conversation ended up with Jongdae’s phone quacking at him during a meeting with Hyo and ended with something being said wrong and Lu Han leaving the chat with a curt dismissal.

“He’s being a drama queen,” Jongdae had huffed when he handed his phone over to Chanyeol to read through.

“Are you sure you’re not the one being dramatic?” Kyungsoo asked, looking at the messages over Chanyeol’s shoulder and raising a skeptical eyebrow. “He doesn’t sound dramatic in these messages, he sounds upset.”

“I _know_ he’s upset,” Jongdae sighed, hands in his hair and tugging. “I’m also upset. We’re both upset and it’s clearly a bad combination. For future reference, Lu Han and I do not do well when we’re both upset.”

“And you still can’t get in touch with him?” Chanyeol proposed, surrendering the phone to Kyungsoo who heaved a heavy breath before filtering through the rest of the conversation.

Jongdae shook his head. After that and continuing up to the present moment of Jongdae leaving work to try to find something suitable to eat for dinner that wasn’t instant, Lu Han still hasn’t answered Jongdae’s texts.

It has risen to the point that Jongdae almost just wants to give up, and sending messages or trying to call Lu Han has proven so fruitless he hasn’t really done so in a few days. Sure, Lu Han is annoyed at him, but Jongdae is getting annoyed as well. “Why can’t this just blow over?” he muses to himself out loud, walking down the steps to the street and squinting in the dying sun.

It’s not like he’d hold a grudge this long if the situation were switched, right?

Pausing, he glances down at his phone, a new twist in his chest that feels far less comfortable and far more unfamiliar than all the previous had. Pursing his lips, he almost flips it open to send off a message to Lu Han, when it suddenly quacks in his hands. He stares in surprise, almost expecting to see Lu Han’s number, and then frowns when instead it’s an unfamiliar number and no name.

_We need to talk. Meet me in the Mexican restaurant you and Lu Han used to go to at 7. – Minseok_

Jongdae didn’t think that Lu Han would have told Minseok that they had gone there for dinner. They had, after all, only been there once or four times, but it was more than Jongdae had gone to one of his favorite places with most of the other people he dated. He just never really thought about how Lu Han may have talked about him to his friends, such as Minseok, like Jongdae talked to his friends about Lu Han. Certainly Yixing was an example of Lu Han not talking to his friends, so it is with that feeling of oddity that Jongdae sits in the Mexican place waiting for Minseok and picking at his sleeve cuff.

Minseok is a punctual person, arriving exactly at seven in the evening and looking like he came directly from work. A crisp suit and tie on, he sits down across from Jongdae and looks at him expectantly.

“Do you want dinner?” Jongdae asks after a moment of patient silence and Minseok’s mouth quirks.

“No, just to talk. You can eat if you like, I know you don’t keep the best food at your apartment.” Minseok smiles at him simply.

“How do you know?” Jongdae fires back, the itch under his skin getting to be even worse. He’s only met Minseok a few times and all of those in passing. How Minseok knows _anything_ about his personal life is disconcerting.

“I hear a lot about you,” Minseok says easily. “I always did. I’m better at listening than talking.”

“Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses,” Jongdae says, looking over at the counter. He isn’t sure he truly wants Mexican tonight, but Minseok is right that he doesn’t really have much at home to suffice.

“Yes,” Minseok says, his voice a bit more firm. “They do.”

It sounds like it should be a hint of some sort, a clue that Jongdae is supposed to understand. He doesn't really, but looking back at Minseok he’s sure he’ll find out from the expression on Minseok’s face; a mix between resolution and resignation.

Jongdae doesn’t know Minseok incredibly well, and there’s really not many reasons for him to be here aside from- “How is Lu Han?” Jongdae asks.

“Are you asking because you actually want to know about how he’s doing or because of how it relates to you?” Minseok asks, and Jongdae blinks.

“What?”

Minseok sighs, leaning back a bit in his chair. “I’m here because I’m tired of this stupid dance you two are in. He’s unhappy, you’re obviously unhappy, and you’re being a dip shit about this whole thing.”

“Excuse me,” Jongdae interrupts, bristling a bit at that.

“No, you shut up and listen for once,” Minseok cuts him off easily, a sharp looking having Jongdae snap his mouth closed. “You’re stubborn, which isn’t a bad thing always, but it has been. I’m sick of watching you just hurt him more with the shit you’ve been pulling because you refuse to admit you’re wrong.”

“Wrong about what?” Jongdae asks, the feeling of ice slipping into his stomach. “Wrong about Lu Han.”

“Yes, wrong about Lu Han.” Minseok’s eyes are hard.

That cold begins to spread, and only after swallowing and breathing for a moment does Jongdae find his voice to speak. The possibility of being wrong, about assuming that Lu Han still had feelings or that he could fix things, flashes through his mind. “So, what?” Jongdae frowns, feeling less hungry but more irritated. “I’m just supposed to stop?”

At this, Minseok sighs. “Like you have been?” He holds up a hand when Jongdae opens his mouth to retort. “No, let me finish before you get all defensive. I know you’ve been trying to contact him, but you haven’t been thinking of him when you’d been doing it.”

“And you are an expert on this,” Jongdae retorts. Minseok may be Lu Han’s best friend, but he doesn’t know Jongdae at all, and those are some rude accusations.

“Yeah, I kind of am,” Minseok says and the confidence in his voice is jarring. “Lu Han is pissed at you, enough that he’s really not up for dealing with your shitty attempts at trying to make up. Which have all been self centered and mediocre. You miss him, so you want him back.”

“Of course I want him back,” Jongdae interjects but Minseok frowns at him and it makes him choke on his next remark.

“Exactly,” Minseok says, and his tone is a bit harsher. “You want him back Jongdae, because _you_ miss him and you’re doing things as they work for _you_. Not for him. Have you ever really thought about how he feels right now?”

“Of course I have,” Jongdae says, because anything else is stupid.

“Really?” Minseok raises an eyebrow slowly and imposingly, as if questioning not only Jongdae’s words, but Jongdae’s existence itself. “You’ve really sat down and thought about Lu Han, how he feels, and put yourself in his place of if this exact same thing happened to you.”

“Yes,” Jongdae says, but feels as if from Minseok’s look he should be saying no. The more disconcerting things is that he’s pretty sure he should say no. The wiggle in his stomach that resembles week old worms indicates the same.

“So you’ve really put yourself in his place, where the supposed love of his life is ignoring him except where it’s convenient. The person he finally grew to trust, rebuffed him after a _progressive_ point in their relationship, exiled him for two weeks, is hot and cold, and was recently just revealed to treat him, and _only_ him this way. Because apparently he not only used to date his best friend, but did many other people just because he thought they were better. And you feel worthless.”

The wiggle is a writhing discomfort and Jongdae sits and looks at Minseok and feels like the absolute definition of shit.

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” Minseok says evenly, looking down and wetting his lips.

“Really?” Jongdae asks, voice a bit dry and he has to clear his throat. A large part of him is sick with himself, sick with what he’s just heard himself painted as. It’s worse, in a way, because while Jongdae could object and tell Minseok no, it’s just been laid out for him and he can’t lie to himself. He’s spent the last weeks learning how to stop doing that.

“Yes, really.” Minseok doesn’t sound malicious. Just factual.

“Well, you did a pretty bang up job of doing it anyway.”

“If I wanted to make you feel like scum, I could tell you exactly how Lu Han has been feeling, and exactly what I really think of you,” Minseok tells him, and the look he gives him ensures that Minseok _could_. “But I don’t, because having him pissed and upset is enough.”

“So I’ve heard,” Jongdae says, thinking of Sehun and Yixing talking with him, thinking of Lu Han himself when he’d last seen him. “And apparently I’ve been going about everything wrong.”

“You have,” Minseok tells him. Jongdae hasn't been around Minseok much, but he’s learning quickly he’s a very straightforward person. “You’re not wrong with what you’re doing, but it’s wrong with him.”

Jongdae has to laugh at that, the irony of everything, how it all seems to swing back to being right and wrong at the same time. “Will it ever really be right with us, though?”

The words are barely dead on the air before Minseok’s look is solemn. “He’s pissed at you,” Minseok tells him, and the heavy writhing fluxes worse. “That doesn’t mean he still doesn’t have feelings for you. I think that’s what’s making it hardest for both of you.” He sighs. “Because now you’re the one who doesn’t want to give up, and he’s not used to that.”

“Not used to me caring?” Jongdae wants to laugh, because he _does_ care, and it’s alarming almost how much he cares. It’s a different feeling than what he used to have, where he cared more about finding his soul mate and who was perfect, desperate to fix what wasn’t a really a problem. It’s different and he realizes with embarrassing delay this is what Kyungsoo was talking about when he said this is falling and being in love.

“Not used to being on the receiving end of his own game,” Minseok says. “He’s used to chasing you, not being pursued by you.”

“Well, what else am I supposed to do?” Jongdae asks, feeling a bit woebegone. He doesn’t want to lose Lu Han, and while it feels like all Lu Han’s friends are giving him a crash course in his boyfriend, Jongdae wants to learn him for himself.

“Keep doing it,” Minseok says, and the firmness in his voice startles Jongdae. “Don’t let him think you’ve given up on him, and don’t actually give up on him. Lu Han isn’t easy, but I don’t get the impression you are either.” He smiles, and there’s something there, something deeper that Jongdae doesn’t understand but realizes has meaning. “You really are kind of perfect for each other.”

That has Jongdae letting out a laugh unexpectedly. “So I’ve been told,” he mutters, a sort of soft hollow feeling in his chest that fills gradually. He’s not sure why, but hearing it said now, after everything has been pulled down, is reassuring.

“It’s true,” Minseok says, and his smile widens. Somehow, Jongdae finds himself smiling back.  


๑

  



	3. The Long Haul

  


๑

  
It's a stunning day outside, the sun shining and the weather a beautiful temperate balance between not too hot and not too cold, instead keeping a pleasant feeling where all that is needed is a light jacket. Jongdae’s is thrown over his shoulders as he wanders through the venue and his shoes crunch over gravel, eyes on the small pebbles and imagining each of them as another thought that he’s stepping on to get it to shut up.

“I’m still not sure this is where we should hold the reception,” Zitao is saying, looking around with a small line to his lips and hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder. “I mean, what if someone gets drunk and falls in the pool?”

“Then we can have an excuse to laugh at them for hours,” Baekhyun says, reaching up and closing a hand around Zitao’s as he looks around the area. “Plus, Chanyeol once was a lifeguard and Amber was an EMT for years, we’re covered in case of life or death situations.”

“But-“ Zitao begins before sighing and looking at Jongdae. “Jongdae, what do you think?”

It’s a stunning Saturday and Jongdae is torn between being a good friend and helping out Baekhyun and Zitao (because they asked) and going to try to find Lu Han and see if he’ll look him in the eye.

“What?” Jongdae asks, jogged from his thoughts of what to do with himself aside from walk behind his two friends.

“How nice of you to join us,” Baekhyun remarks, turning to him and stretching a smile wide. “We’ve been wondering why you haven’t been responding to our insults for the last hour.”

“I’ve been thinking,” Jongdae tells him, and doesn’t give him the right to bother him. Jongdae has enough things that are bothering him; he won’t let Baekhyun be one of them.

“We’d noticed,” Zitao says, and looks half humoring, half miffed. “Let us know when you’re ready to come back to helping us out.”

“It’s not like we’re in a rush or anything. The wedding is only four weeks away.” Baekhyun’s smile broadens to consume his entire face. It’s probably meant to be alarming.

“So a month away,” Jongdae clarifies, raising an eyebrow at him. It feels like they only just sent out the invitations, but then, Jongdae has had a lot going on.

“Yes, Jongdae,” Zitao says, now just sounding exasperated. “Our wedding is a _month_ away. And you’re supposed to be Baekhyun’s best man-“

“One of them,” Jongdae corrects, feeling a bit unnerved now he thinks of how Kyungsoo had asked him recently about venues for the bachelors party.

“Yes, one of my best men,” Baekhyun says, and looks up at Zitao. Jongdae can’t really read what they’re communicating, but there has always been a part of their relationship that he’s never been included in. It always was easy to push past, especially since they’ve been together since middle school, almost over twelve years now, and just accept. “You’re one of my best men, Jongdae.”

A soft and intimate relationship that always just so easily came to them, something Jongdae never really let himself be bothered by, or envious of even when he felt so alone. “I haven’t forgotten,” he tells Baekhyun, raising an eyebrow at him. “I’m still here, unless you’ve decided to ask someone else.”

“I haven’t,” Baekhyun says. “You still get make sure I get wasted at my bachelors party.”

“Not too wasted,” Zitao comments with a knowing look.

“Look, you have Song Qian and Chansik in control of your side, I’m allowed to get wasted when I know you’ll be smashed,” Baekhyun tells Zitao with a slightly indignant look. Zitao simple laughs, stepping back and smiling, almost glowing under Baekhyun’s scolding that feels more like teasing. “I hope they get me wasted.”

“I could just get you wasted now and save the trouble,” Jongdae suggests and Zitao laughs as Baekhyun throws him a look that tells him he’s not helping. “I am pretty sure dragging feet and getting hung up on reception venues will be less grueling if we’ve had a few shots.”

Zitao’s laughter peters out, Baekhyun’s face falling slightly before he sighs and turns away. Perhaps Jongdae went a bit far, and he has been on edge since he talked to Minseok a few days back. It’s one thing to know his efforts hadn’t been working, it’s another to feel an abject asshole and have it all thrown into his lap. It’s a little ironic, the burn just as bad as Lu Han’s coffee had been the first time they met. Except Lu Han isn’t there to smile and try to help him clean up, because this is Jongdae’s mess this time.

It was probably always his mess. Always a mess of emotions and ideas and beliefs and problems where nothing went right. He and Lu Han never even started on the right foot, a mess of soaked pants and a bad day and misunderstandings.

It’s never been easy.

“Yeah, that might make it a bit easier,” Baekhyun says, and his voice snaps Jongdae back to focus, pulling him from his thoughts to look at his friend. “A few drinks would make a lot of things easier.”

The hint of irritation in his voice has Jongdae laughing, a derisive note to it as he looks at the pair before him, Baekhyun’s face falling and Zitao looking almost concerned. They’ve never really had it hard, not like he has. They found each other so early, and just fell together. This is a long time coming, but not for the first time does Jongdae think that his best friend really has no grasp on what this is like. Baekhyun and Zitao have never had it hard, always had it easy, working together in their own way, with their own language, and Jongdae never let it bother him.

Maybe it’s because he’s stressed, because he doesn’t sleep well thinking about what to do to fix things, what he needs to do so he doesn’t lose the person he fell in love with. It’s not easy for him, like he thought it would be, like it has been for Baekhyun and Zitao.

Even others can see it, have said it, that they’re wrong and it’s hard and that his relationship with Lu Han isn’t simple, but that he can’t give up.

Not giving up and making things work is hard, and Jongdae never expected it.

“What?” Baekhyun asks, and sounds just as Zitao puts a hand on his shoulder. “Was I funny without meaning to be? I know that can happen sometimes.”

“No,” Jongdae says, and shakes his head. It’s a stunning day, and the couple before him are about to get married in a month and have never gone through what he’s dealing with right now. “You didn’t say something funny. I just thought how stupid this is.”

Baekhyun’s face falls. Zitao’s darkens and then saddens and Jongdae wants to leave before he says more but if he leaves, it would be to find Lu Han. And he has no idea what to do when he sees Lu Han, because they’re fighting and it’s not easy and it’s all so unfair.

“What’s stupid?” Zitao asks, softer.

“Are we stupid?” Baekhyun asks, gesturing to himself and Zitao, giving Jongdae a stark look. “Are we bothering you, Jongdae? Are we giving you more problems than what you already have? I know you tend to always have a few, and we always get to hear about them.”

“Unlike you,” Jongdae says and it snaps out, making Baekhyun’s mouth snap shut and Zitao’s fall open. It sounded harsh, and Jongdae has to close his eyes to remind himself that he’s not angry at them, just angry at a lot of other things. “Sorry, it’s just like sometimes I feel like you two have no idea what I’m talking about.”

“Why? Is it because you’re talking in tongues?” Baekhyun fires back, his voice hardening and Jongdae frowns at him.

“You just-“ Wording this in a way that isn’t rude is difficult, so Jongdae swallows and tries his best. “You’ve just had it easy, always easy. Both of you just got together early, and it’s just been you two together and happy with that since as long as I know. You’ve never had to deal with what I’m going through.”

“Oh, here we go,” Baekhyun says, and it’s so unlike his usual response that it shocks Jongdae. Zitao throws him a look but Baekhyun frowns at him. “No, I’m done.” Baekhyun turns to him, and the look on his face isn’t joking. It’s serious and annoyed. “Zitao and I have always had it easy, right?”

Jongdae wants to throw his hands up, give up and just yell yes. He’s been talking to them through this whole thing, and maybe that’s always been the problem, because they don’t understand. “Yeah,” Jongdae says, feeling just a little bitter. “You have. You’ve never been through fights like this, or falling outs, or wondering if it was actually going to pull through or if you’d just lose it all.”

“Actually, Jongdae,” Zitao says, and Baekhyun huffs and pinches the bridge of his nose, looking pissed. Zitao isn’t angry, but he looks annoyed himself. “We have.”

“The thing is,” Baekhyun says, dropping his hand. “We have had our fair deal of shit. You think we don’t fight? That we haven’t been pushed to the edge and that we didn’t nearly break up, leave each other and stop this multiple times? You’re wrong.”

Jongdae stares, feeling a bit shocked. He’d never heard of them fighting, at least not seriously, and it all feels ungrounded. “But you’ve never-“

“Yes, we have,” Baekhyun cuts him off. “We fight, we go through ups and downs and Zitao gets pissed and me and I get annoyed with him and I nearly lost him and nearly walked out on him a few times but you know what? We fucking made it work. Why?” Baekhyun looks at Zitao and the resolution and promise in his eyes is so strong Jongdae can almost feel it. Zitao doesn’t look taken aback though, instead a soft smile and consent spreading over his face. “Because that’s what you do when you’re in a relationship, when you love each other. You _make_ it work.”

It’s probably the most prolific Baekhyun has ever really been about his and Zitao’s relationship, the two of them mostly coasting on a series of banter and chatter and teasing. They’ve always been a constant in Jongdae’s background, just the two of them, never really fighting, or at least as far as he knew.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Jongdae asks, looking at his best friend and his soon to be husband, hands held and not looking at him. “I’m your best friend, why wouldn’t you tell me if something was going on?”

“Because you’re an idiot,” Baekhyun gruffs back, giving him an annoyed look. “Yeah, Zitao and I are soul mates, but that doesn’t mean it’s ever easy to be together. No relationship is easy, regardless of if you’re soul mates or not.

“But isn’t that the whole _point_?” Jongdae finally gets out, feeling overwhelmed. He never knew, he never knew about something so big for his best friends, something he had apparently taken for granted. “Your soul mate is for you, and it’s-“

“Bull shit!” Baekhyun yells, loud and drowning him out. “Soul mates are just another relationship! They’re people, just like you and me and Kyungsoo and Chanyeol and Zitao and _everyone_ and they’re special because you can be with them for your life or not. It’s you’re fucking choice! Either you make it work or you don’t.”

“But it’s easier!” Jongdae tries, feeling like his final safety net is being ripped from under him. Baekhyun and Zitao were always safe.

“No, it’s not,” Zitao says, adding in while his hand squeezes around Baekhyun’s. “Soul mates aren’t the people you’re madly in love with, your perfect ideal person in your dreams.” Baekhyun looks at him and it’s not with passion or wild abandon, but with the kind of look that asks. Zitao doesn’t look at him, instead his eyes on Jongdae, a patience in them that is slightly patronizing but also kind. “They’re the person who matches you best and is your other half. They’re the one who balances you, not who you think is best for you.”

“Like Zitao is for me,” Baekhyun says, and Zitao turns to him with such warmth it almost is dizzying for Jongdae to watch. “And like I’ve been telling you Lu Han is for you. He’s not perfect, but he is for you. So either deal with it and accept that things aren’t going to be easy, and that you have to _work_ to keep it together and fix your fuck ups.” Baekhyun lets out a short breath. “Or let him go.”

“I can’t just let him go,” Jongdae tries to counter, a little overwhelmed by all of this. He tries to think back to when Baekhyun and Zitao may have fought, to when things were falling apart. “It’s not like it’s an easy decision to just-“

“It’s not supposed to be easy!” Baekhyun yells, and a red flush begins to creep up his neck and color his ears. “Life isn’t easy, Jongdae. Love isn’t easy either, and if that’s all you care about, then I really feel bad for Lu Han. It’s never been easy, for me or Zitao or anyone who has ever dated. If you don’t want to take my word, then go ask Kyungsoo, or Soojung. We make it work, because we _want_ it to work.”

“I do want to make it work!” Jongdae yells back. This isn’t fair, and he isn’t here to argue with his best friend about this. He’s here to support Baekhyun and Zitao with their wedding, and he’s here to get advice and support from them. He’s here because he wants to be, and because he doesn’t know what to do. “I do want to make things work with him.”

“Then go find him and fix it!” Baekhyun snaps. “Stop being self absorbed and invested and thinking about how this isn’t easy for you because life isn’t easy, love isn’t easy, and Lu Han is going to keep being pissed at you because you still haven’t fixed this. You still haven’t really tried, Jongdae. And until you do, it’s going to keep being difficult and suck and I’m sick of hearing about it.”

With an angry face and stiff shoulders, Baekhyun turns from him, pulling away from Zitao’s hands and voice and walking off angrily into the venue they’re supposed to be reviewing for the reception of a wedding that’s a month away. Jongdae watches him leave and feels selfish, again, because he said the wrong thing, again.

“I’m really not doing so well,” Jongdae sighs to himself, looking at Zitao. Zitao is looking after Baekhyun with concern but also understanding on his face.

“No,” Zitao agrees, but he’s smiling. “You keep kind of doing the wrong stuff, but you’re kind of learning on a crash course. He’s just-“ Zitao looks back to where Baekhyun disappeared and lets out a sigh. “He’s stressed. We both are. Except he’s been bottling it up for a while, and it’s just finally getting to him.”

“I can see that,” Jongdae grumbles, looking after where Baekhyun had gone and trying not to feel personally attacked.

“That doesn’t mean he wasn’t telling the truth, or over reacting really,” Zitao says, and looks around the area they’re in. “It’s been bothering him for a while, because he kept watching you making the same mistakes but didn’t want to really throw what we go through on you.” Zitao looks so fond it’s almost like he’s emanating the sentiment. “He figured you had enough to deal with, and our business is our own.”

“I never really knew,” Jongdae says, looking at Zitao and feeling a bit closer to him. It’s strange, how despite how Baekhyun and Zitao had dated for so long, they always had their own swing, where Jongdae never really breached into it and pushed into Zitao’s space, forcing friendship. Sure, they’re friends, but Zitao had always been Baekhyun’s, and not his business.

“Good,” Zitao says. “So, do you think you can figure your own shit out? Because I’m pretty sure Baekhyun isn’t really able to sit you down. Neither am I, honestly.”

“You two really fight that much?” Jongdae asks, slightly bewildered.

“Yes,” Zitao says before laughing. “And no. We’ve been through our own share of drama. Everyone deals with it, you’re just getting your feet wet.”

“That’s reassuring,” Jongdae says dryly. “I’m glad I have more of this to look forward to.”

“Don’t get too excited,” Zitao laughs before reaching out and giving him a few very firm pats on the back, squeezing his shoulder in a genial manner that manages to make him smile. “It’s not easy, but I will tell you it’s worth it.” He smiles. “It has to be, otherwise Baekhyun never would have said yes when I proposed.”

Jongdae blinks. “I thought he proposed,” he says, looking up at Zitao in confusion.

“We both did,” Zitao tells him, stepping forward to walk through the venue and looking to him to follow. “Except Baekhyun always tells the story that happened before we almost broke up for good. We usually don’t tell many people about that one, because it's the whole reason he broke his wrist last year.”

“I thought that was because of a hiking accident.” Jongdae remembers that, and he remembers how Baekhyun was slightly subdued during the injury. Jongdae had thought that it was because Baekhyun was moping over a broken bone. Apparently, he’d been wrong.

Zitao laughs. “Jongdae you’ve been best friends with Baekhyun since before I met him. Do you really think Baekhyun and I actually went hiking overnight? I would never describe my fiancé as the exercising type.”

“You kind of take care of that part for both of you,” Jongdae adds, letting himself smile.

“We’re not perfect,” Zitao says, looking around at the area rather than at Jongdae. “But no one is perfect. We just learned to deal with it and learn how to live together. That’s just what you do.”

It isn’t until an hour later that Jongdae really sees Baekhyun again. Talking with Zitao, even if it was a little stranger to have a full conversation with him without Baekhyun there adding his own commentary, was reassuring. Jongdae knew Zitao was waiting for him to leave at any moment, to run and to back down but in a way that kept Jongdae there. Baekhyun was right, and Jongdae is best man. Along the way of the last few months, he kind of forgot about it, and finally being told about Baekhyun and Zitao felt like being included in something bigger.

It also gave him time to chew things over in his own mind, pulling apart his own feelings and ideas, and Zitao was quiet during that. He simply watched, and it was almost like he was waiting for Jongdae to ask him something else, offering a quiet sort of reassurance.

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae says as he and Zitao come and find Baekhyun with about twenty seven mint candy wrappers and a bottle of water at the reception desk.

“Good,” Baekhyun says, looking up at him, no longer pink in the ears. “Now that you’ve learned how to apologize, go do it again. Practice makes perfect.”

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae tells him again and this time Zitao laughs, hiding his mouth behind his hand.

“Not to me, you dipshit,” Baekhyun says with a sigh and a hint of a smile. “To everyone else you’ve been bothering for the past few months. And to Lu Han.” He exchanges a look with Zitao. “Definitely to Lu Han.”

Jongdae smiles, feeling a bit relieved at Baekhyun’s more relaxed form. After talking to Zitao and getting to sift through his thoughts, he feels like he finally might be getting some ideas that aren’t wrong. “No,” he says and Baekhyun’s eyebrows raise. “I have something else in mind.”  


๑

  
It’s a Friday evening. The sun is still shining and the air is buzzing with activity, people moving in and around and talking together, smiling and laughing and some with lines around their wrists and some without. The whole patio area is only half populated, mostly empty aside from a few people sitting around and winding down after a long week of work.

Jongdae is sitting in the far corner, feeling his nerves buzzing and feeling too hot in his collared dress shirt and slacks. His jacket from work is draped over the back of his chair, and it almost feelings like he’s back in interview hell, going from booth to booth to try to impress and feeling drastically unprepared for anything.

In reality, this is more nerve wracking.

“Okay, breathe, I can practically hear your hands shaking,” Sehun drawls, his voice coming through the receiver of Jongdae’s cell phone sounding bored.

“You’d be nervous too,” Jongdae tells him, looking around the outdoors patio area and pushing his palm over his heart, trying to make it calm down from it’s racing. He knows telling it to calm down is probably unwise, or crazy looking.

“You’re not proposing to him,” Sehun reminds him. “You’re just talking to him. Creatively. Cool your shit.”

“Isn’t Yixing lucky to have you,” Jongdae says, smiling a bit. It’s been a mess of a week, since checking the reception venue with Baekhyun and Zitao to calling Yixing and Sehun and texting Minseok. But finally, Jongdae is sitting almost a week later and feeling resolved and terrified.

“He has no idea how lucky he is,” Sehun sighs and Jongdae can picture his smile. It’s been a little weird, getting to know Lu Han’s friends when Lu Han isn’t there to introduce them. It’s a little like going behind his back, except Jongdae is doing it to get to know _him_ better. Or so he rationalizes it. “Anyone is lucky to have me.”

“Because you’re so amazing,” Jongdae clarifies, smiling a bit. Sehun isn’t Kyungsoo calming or Baekhyun distracting, but he is reassuring.

“Exactly,” Sehun says, and it sounds a bit brighter. “Yeah, I like you. Don’t fuck up today, I want to keep you as a friend.”

“Thanks Sehun,” Jongdae says, checking his watch. “I’m glad for your reassurance.”

“Happy to give it,” Sehun says. “Minseok should be there soon. Did you get everything you need?”

“Is that even a question?” Jongdae mumbles, looking at the small table before him and dropping the hand on his chest, breathing out silently.

“Yes, actually, that’s why I asked it,” Sehun drawls. “You know, that’s how questions work. I ask you them and you answer them without the sass.”

“You don’t know me,” Jongdae tells him. It’s easier to distract himself like this. He figures Sehun knows it too, which is why he’s still chatting. Or perhaps Sehun just likes talking. Jongdae figures he’ll learn later. For now, he has a task at hand that he has to complete.

“I know enough to tell you to stuff it when it’s annoying,” Sehun retorts. “You don’t need sass right now, you need to get your game face on and go score.”

“That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Well, I’m the one in a currently functional relationship, not you, so we’re going to go with my pep talks until you get on my level,” Sehun tells him succinctly. “Any sign yet?” Jongdae almost doesn't want to look up, look around and peek for where he knows Minseok is supposed to show up. He feels sick, stomach writhing with nerves because if this goes wrong, he’s just made everything worse. “Yixing called a few minutes ago to tell me Lu Han left work on time.”

“You two should be ready for your secret ops jobs after this,” Jongdae tells him, looking out over the patio and breathing out again. “All this planning and sneaking.”

“How do you know we don’t already have those jobs,” Sehun asks. “Maybe we’re both actually already under cover agents. Maybe we’ve been lying to you this whole time. Maybe Lu Han isn’t really your soul mate and you’re actually a genetic experiment.”

“Maybe you’re getting ahead of yourself,” Jongdae says, and his grip on his phone tightens when the door to the patio opens and two familiar people walk out, chatting together.

“I never get ahead of myself,” Sehun says haughtily. “I stay right in time with me. That’s why I have such a great relationship with myself. You should follow my example.”

“Yeah,” Jongdae says, before swallowing down a drying throat. “Sure.” It’s been two weeks since he saw Lu Han, since Lu Han slammed the door on him and since Minseok told him to leave before he hurt more.

“I take it Lu Han is here, then?” Sehun asks, his voice wafting out of the phone and only briefly jarring. Jongdae nods. Sehun can’t see it, but the hum on the other end of the phone tells him Sehun doesn’t need to see him to keep talking. “I’ll call Yixing then in just a moment, make sure he’s aware that things are doing what they’re supposed to do. You good?”

“I feel like I might throw up,” Jongdae says honestly, and Sehun laughs.

“Good,” Sehun tells him. “I’d be more concerned if you didn’t. Just don’t throw up on Lu Han.” Lu Han and Minseok sit down at one of the tables near the far corner, in the shade of the late afternoon sun and with Lu Han with his back to Jongdae. They’re on a walking area, close enough to the doors that Jongdae can pass by without going drastically out of his way.

“I won’t throw up on him,” Jongdae says, a hint of a smile ghosting on his lips as he watches Lu Han and Minseok talk. Lu Han runs his hands through his hair, pushing it back from his face, and says something that makes Minseok smile, almost laugh. Minseok doesn't look for him, instead focusing on Lu Han, and Jongdae breathes in to keep himself calm.

“I’m going to call Yixing,” Sehun says. “Good luck. For the sake of all of us.”

“Thanks,” Jongdae says it, putting as much meaning into it as he can, trying to tell Sehun thank you for everything, not only for just now with keeping him distracted. Sehun hangs up first, the line dying before Jongdae closes his phone, pocketing it as he stands up and checks himself over quickly, looking at his post work attire and closing his eyes.

This time, Jongdae hasn’t spent hours thinking over what he has to say to Lu Han, how he has to explain himself or what Lu Han has to understand through points A, B, and C and make Lu Han understand _him_. It’s a bit delayed, but it’s time Jongdae just said what he feels, and listens to Lu Han.

That he stops focusing on himself and instead focuses on Lu Han.

It only feels fair, considering that if this is a push and a pull, a balance that he’s upset, it’s his turn to push back and hope Lu Han meets him and doesn’t let him fall alone.

“This is really stupid,” Jongdae tells himself under his breath, looking down and picking up the Styrofoam cup sitting on the table. “Really, really stupid,” he says, and smiles a bit, the warm liquid in the cup seeping into his palm. Looking up, he sees Lu Han’s hands drop, Minseok’s face crease in what looks like pained sympathy, and a notch slips in Jongdae’s chest.

He’s tired of waiting for his soul mate, for things to fix, and tired of fighting something that he never really understood properly why he was fighting. He’s tired of this being a mess, of feeling like everyone else is okay and he’s not.

_Soul mates aren’t the people you’re madly in love with, your perfect ideal person in your dreams. They’re the person who matches you best, the one who balances you, not who you think is best for you._

It feels a bit like a trance, with the words from others floating around in his head, as Jongdae walks over the patio, eyes on Lu Han’s back. With each step, he feels resolution and determination sink further into the writhing in his stomach, pushing it down, making it strong, With every step, he doesn’t think about how stupid this is, he just thinks about how he’s going to make it work.

About five months ago, in the early spring when Jongdae had gone to a job convention feeling nervous and sick and with a line around his wrist showing he was to meet his soul mate. About five months ago, Jongdae had met his soul mate on accident and shrieked and hadn’t realized the Pull when he felt it. About five months ago, he’d punched his soul mate for a joke and broken down in a bathroom.

Five months later, Jongdae keeps his steps even, his breathing as calm as he can, and braces himself for the shit to hit the fan as he passes behind Lu Han just as he gets up to answer a frantic phone call and walks directly into him.

For all the people who talk about watching scenes in slow motion, they really know jack shit about real life. Things don't slow down, they happen in absolute awareness, so the cup of coffee in Jongdae’s hand doesn’t dramatically travel through the air to upset itself directly into Lu Han’s chest. Lu Han’s sudden startled yell doesn’t come out delayed and slowed down, and Jongdae doesn’t watch his face lethargically go from concerned to surprised in a slow spread of features.

Instead, it all happens in real time, in real sound, at the same exact tempo that it is supposed to, and Jongdae just sees and is aware of all of it.

It kind of makes it more exciting, more real and it keeps him focused.

“Holy fucking hell!” yells Lu Han, voice spiking up to a new degree of high as the hot coffee falls into him and he flinches back, almost tripping over himself. Jongdae reaches out to steady him, and Lu Han isn’t looking at him. He’s looking down at himself, frowning and looking annoyed and dismayed and lurching to scramble for napkins.

“Sorry,” Jongdae rushes to say, grabbing some of the napkins from the table and immediately stooping down to press them to the sopping mess on Lu Han’s front. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, moving down until his knees hit the ground.

“Shit, that was hot,” Lu Han is mumbling, barely sparing him a glance as Lu Han assess himself. “Watch where you’re going next time or something.” He’s not angry, just sounding a bit miffed and tired.

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae says, napkin pressed to Lu Han’s hip and looking up at him.

“Yeah, well, shit happens,” Lu Han grunts, patting down his front. “Not your fault.”

“It is my fault,” Jongdae say, voice firmer as he looks up at Lu Han, the way his hair falls into his face and he frowns at his chest and looks like he hasn’t slept and Jongdae missed him. “And I should apologize.”

Lu Han stills, his hands pausing as they press 100% recycled napkins into his stomach stained with coffee and finally looks at him, his eyes clouded. Across the table, Minseok has gone, leaving just them for a moment and Jongdae swallows as Lu Han’s breathing increases, emotions beginning to flicker across his face.

“Jongdae,” Lu Han says, and his voice is softer, though angrier, tighter than Jongdae has heard it ever. Jongdae doesn’t move. “Did you just intentionally pour coffee on me?”

“Yes,” Jongdae says, voice even. It’s back to square one, and Jongdae isn’t going to let Lu Han walk away. Not without a fight. “I did. I threw coffee on you because I had to apologize.”

“Oh?” The curl in Lu Han’s voice is probably deadly, definitely angry, and possibly threatening.

“Yes,” Jongdae says, and wets his lips as he feels Lu Han tense under his hands, coffee stained fingers still holding soggy napkins. “I poured coffee on you because I had to apologize. I had to apologize for the first time, when you dropped coffee on me, and for all the times after that when I was just as much of an ass as that first time when you didn’t deserve it.” Lu Han’s eyes flicker.

“Did you rehearse this?” Lu Han asks, and sounds a bit intrigued as much as he is weary.

“No,” Jongdae says, wanting to hold onto Lu Han as he moves to step back. _please don’t go yet_. “I didn’t. I didn’t plan this at all, just like nothing is really planned. And things never went as I planned them, like I never planned to meet you, for you to be my soul mate, and never asked for it.”

At those words, Lu Han’s countenance darkens, and he steps back, pulling away and Jongdae reaches up, on impulse, and grabs his wrist. “Fuck that,” Lu Han starts, glare forming.

“But,” Jongdae rushes on. “It wasn’t something I could ask for. Because I realized that the best things in my life are things I never asked for, or were things I wanted. I never planned to meet you, and it wasn’t fair that I planned anything, to you or to me.” Lu Han is still glaring, but he looks hesitant to pull back entirely. “Yeah, I poured coffee on you, because I wanted to start over.”

Something passes over Lu Han’s face, like it’s pinched but also being pulled a bit too far from comfort. Lu Han doesn’t pull back, and he looks conflicted to do so. Jongdae holds on, wrapping his fingers around Lu Han’s wrist and keeping his gaze.

“I’m stubborn,” Jongdae continues. “Which you probably know-“

“I do,” Lu Han interjects and Jongdae can’t help but smile a bit.

“And in the past, that’s been something that didn’t help. I had an idea of what I thought I wanted. Who I thought I wanted.” Lu Han’s mouth thins. “Then I got you, and nothing was what I thought it would be or wanted it to be.”

“Stop,” Lu Han says, voice sharper.

“No,” Jongdae says, shaking his head. “I’m not going to stop. Because I never asked for this, for you-“ Lu Han winces, “- and I never asked to learn about how I was wrong. I don’t like being wrong, but I’m glad I was, because this,” Jongdae squeezes his grip around Lu Han’s wrist. “This isn’t wrong, I was.”

Jongdae waits then, just looking up at Lu Han, watching him for something, anything to show that this isn’t working, that he’s messed up. Lu Han doesn’t pull away, but he doesn’t move forward, and as he looks at Jongdae, there is a wariness in his expression. He is also listening, and it gives Jongdae the edge he needs.

“I messed up, a lot, and I can't change that. I want to try and to fight and get upset because I don’t want it to be easy, I want it to be real, I want it to be you because I’m in love and that’s not changing.” Lu Han stiffens, stills before him and Jongdae can feel his heart pounding. It’s a bit of a rush, and he knows now that if he doesn’t finish, it’ll all bottle up. “I don’t want it to, and that scares me, because I’ve never felt like that before.”

“I want you to be angry with me when I fuck up, because I deserve it. I also want you to listen when I say I’m sorry, because I mean it,” Jongdae feels winded, like he’s just run to Lu Han rather than spoken to him, and when he looks at him, Lu Han is frowning.

It’s not a bad frown though, more of a confused conflicted contemplative frown, one that has Jongdae’s breath held in his throat as he watches Lu Han swallow, throat working.

“Jongdae,” he says, and closes his eyes, taking in a deep breath. His voice is a little tight, like he’s holding back still, and keeping himself in check.

“Yeah?” Jongdae prompts, letting his thumb brush gently over Lu Han’s pulse point on his wrist. He can feel his heart beating under his fingertips, his pulse fluttering and it makes his own heart do the same.

“You,” Lu Han takes in another brief breath. “You really kind of suck.” He yanks his hand away, ripping it from Jongdae’s grasp and drawing a startled sound from him, looking up as Lu Han opens his eyes and doesn’t look happy.

Instead, he looks annoyed.

“Lu Han,” Jongdae starts, making to push himself up from where he’s been crouched on his knees, pouring his heart out for Lu Han in hopes that it would save this.

“No,” Lu Han says with a curt jerk of his head. “No, shut up. You got to say your big long sappy thing now it’s my turn to talk.” He shakes his head again, as if dashing a pesky thought and lets out a short tempered breath. “Stay there,” he adds, when Jongdae shifts to try to push himself up.

“On my knees,” Jongdae clarifies, looking up and not really able to mask the degrading position he’s in.

“Yes,” Lu Han says, with a sharp nod as he fits his hands on his hips and fixes him with a look. “On your knees. It’s a good look for you.”

If Jongdae were Baekhyun, he might make a remark about that. But Jongdae isn’t Baekhyun and Lu Han isn’t Zitao, and Jongdae really, _really_ doesn't want this to go wrong. So instead he stays on the ground, looking up at Lu Han with coffee stains down his front and his hands on his hips and tired lines around his eyes.

Instead, Jongdae looks up at Lu Han and waits for him.

“You,” Lu Han begins, and then pauses, closing his eyes and tilting his head, like he’s getting out a muscle kink. “Jongdae. Are an asshole.” He opens his eyes, and looks directly at Jongdae, eyes hard and piercing and like he’s just plain angry. “Like, you’re an asshole in the way that I never planned or thought out what my soul mate would be like, but I’m very sure that if I actually thought something up, you definitely wouldn’t be it.”

That hurts. That definitely hurts, and Lu Han pausing to hang his head and heave a sigh and look so disappointed and drag this out definitely doesn’t improve Jongdae’s hopes that this will end well.

“Lu Han,” Jongdae starts and then bites his tongue as Lu Han waves a hand to shut him up.

“I said it’s my turn, shut up.” When Lu Han looks up again, he looks less pissed, and his eyes aren’t hard, not like they had been since Jongdae had pushed him away. They’re brighter, sadder, yes, but they’re open. It has Jongdae pressing his lips together to keep from pushing. It’s a balance, he’s said his bit, and now he has to let Lu Han.

It’s them.

“But,” Lu Han finally continues, and the corner of his mouth twitches. “It is you. And I can’t change that.” Jongdae waits as he pauses again, biting his lip briefly and frowning. “I also don’t want to.”

Lu Han doesn’t smile. He also doesn’t frown and he doesn’t pull away, he just looks at Jongdae, like he’s waiting for him to push him, to call him out, or to pull too much and unravel him.

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae tells him, because he is.

“Because you’re my soul mate?” Lu Han asks, and raises an eyebrow.

“No,” Jongdae says, and keeps his voice firm on that. “I’m not sorry I’m your soul mate. I’m not sorry that you wouldn’t leave me alone at first and tried to make this work.” Lu Han lets out a small scoff at that. “I’m sorry that I spilled coffee on you.” Lu Han lets out a small half laugh, weak but present and the hint of a smile is enough to have Jongdae continuing. “I’m not a pervert trying to feel you up, but I am your soul mate.” He swallows, Lu Han’s eyes soft and his heart too heavy in his chest. “If you still want me to be.”

“I don’t know if I have a choice,” Lu Han says, letting out a soft cough of a laugh.

“Well, no,” Jongdae says, letting himself smile a little even if he’s technically still on thin ice. But looking up at Lu Han, how he’s still here, hasn't left him and how Jongdae can _see_ him, and a pleasant hum has begun under his skin. It’s like coming home, seeing Lu Han here, within reach, and he has a feeling Lu Han isn’t going to leave him. “Not really, soul mates are kind of permanent. Unless you kill me, but I feel like neither of us would benefit from that.”

“Especially me,” Lu Han says, a tease to his look. Jongdae didn’t realize how much he missed it until he sees it now.

“I might also be a bit disappointed by my death,” Jongdae says, shrugging a bit. “I had hoped to accomplish more.”

Lu Han laughs at that, full and real and his eyes crease into slits as his smile stretches and Jongdae can’t help but smile up at him. It’s so nice to see him, hear him, and it feels still nervous, like Jongdae is still hovering over the edge, but he wants to be here. The glint in Lu Han’s eyes is familiar, and Jongdae gets the impression Lu Han is okay with being here too.

“You’re a freak,” Lu Han tells him, reaching out and opening a hand to him, to help Jongdae back to his feet. When Jongdae takes his hand, he lets Lu Han pull him up and doesn't let go, keeping Lu Han with him, fingers wrapped together.

“But you love me anyway,” Jongdae says, pushing it just a little, nervous but excited as he watches Lu Han still slightly, looking at him keenly. It’s moving a little fast, after everything that’s happened, and all that was on the line today, but it feels like water behind them, and Jongdae hopes.

“I guess I do,” Lu Han heaves with a sigh, letting their hands drop to hang between them. “Otherwise I’d have decked you by now.”

“Then I’m lucky,” Jongdae says and Lu Han laughs again, a softer laugh, with softer eyes and Jongdae just wants to break down the space between them and step too close. After so long of nothing, it’s hard not to just rush into space that didn’t used to be there, pulling it all away until it’s like it was. Instead, Jongdae wets his lips. “Can I ask you something?”

“No,” says Lu Han, but he smiles and Jongdae’s chest swells. “But you’re going to anyway.”

“Can we kiss and make up?”

The laugh that startles from Lu Han isn’t pretty, it isn’t handsome and Jongdae doesn't care, laughing as well as Lu Han laughs at him.

The ideal perfect soul mate wouldn’t laugh at him for saying that, but then Jongdae would never say what he’s just asked Lu Han to the ideal perfect soul mate. It doesn’t matter though, because Lu Han is better than that perfect ideal, and Jongdae couldn’t want anything more.

Still laughing a bit, Lu Han doesn’t lean into to kiss him, instead tugging Jongdae forward and bringing up his other arm, pulling Jongdae into him and pushing the space out. Jongdae doesn’t need to be told to step into Lu Han, to stretch his arms around him and hold him, something far more meaningful in just having Lu Han touch him, _hold_ him and to hold back. To feel Lu Han’s exhaling breath beside his ear, to feel the last bit of tension leave his body and to rest his head to Lu Han’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Lu Han says, voice softer by his ear and the word ghosting warm over his skin, sinking into him. “I guess.”

Lu Han doesn’t specifically pull away, but shifts, leaning a bit and Jongdae turns, glancing the subtle smile on Lu Han’s lips before he leans in to press his own against them.

It’s not one of those dramatic life altering kisses, because it’s not supposed to be. It’s not supposed to be anything, and Jongdae doesn’t need it to be. Neither does Lu Han, but it’s theirs and Jongdae holds onto Lu Han for it.

It’s his turn to push now, though he has a very strong feeling as Lu Han’s lips smile against his, that it’ll be worth it.  


๑

  
“On second thought,” Jongdae says, grimacing a bit as Lu Han’s shoulder bumps with his own. “This might not be the best idea.”

“Rude,” Lu Han says, throwing him a look. “You met all my friends by stalking me. I consider it only fair I get to finally meet yours.”

“You could just stalk me for a while and get to know them that way,” Jongdae suggests and turns to grin at his boyfriend. He doesn’t really get to, as Lu Han instead reaches up and not so kindly pats him on the face, hard.

“I’ll pass on the stalking,” Lu Han tells him, letting his fingers slide back to tug at the lobe of Jongdae’s ear, teasingly like his smile that flashes. “I’m already dating you, I don’t need to stalk you. I already did that step, remember?”

“I never actually thought you were stalking me,” Jongdae tells him, leaning into the touch.

“See? That’s just disappointing,” Lu Han tells him with a significant look. “All that stalking for nothing.”

“Stalking isn’t funny,” Jongdae tells him firmly, opening the door of the bar they’re going to, feeling a bit of a nervous jump in his belly. “Don’t joke about it to my friends. You’ll look bad.”

“I doubt they’ll think any less of you,” Lu Han jokingly reassures him and Jongdae opens his mouth to retort only to have Lu Han bark out a laugh and put a firmly shoving hand on his back and push him into the establishment. Jongdae almost turns back to grimace at him, but ends up laughing instead.

“I’m just looking out for you,” Jongdae tells him, slipping to his side, slipping their hands together as he looks around the bar for his friends. It’s a weekday, meaning that most of them will be in work attire, but after everything finally came together, Jongdae decided that after months it was high time his friends met Lu Han.

It was also helpfully determined by Lu Han as ‘only fair’ considering that Jongdae grew to know almost all of Lu Han’s friends now from half stalking him.

“Such a good boyfriend then,” Lu Han says, turned so he speaks into Jongdae’s temple and leans into too close, pushing his weight onto him and almost making him stumble. “I’m so lucky.”

“Yes,” Jongdae says, reaching over and patting Lu Han perhaps a little too hard on the stomach, earning a jerk and smiling to himself. “So lucky.”

It’s Kyungsoo who sees them first, waving them over from a table he and Chanyeol have procured ahead of time. Chanyeol is bright smiles and standing gestures of polite handshakes and offering to get drinks. Kyungsoo smiles politely, holding out a hand as Chanyeol goes to get drinks.

“Baekhyun and Zitao are going to be late,” Kyungsoo tells Jongdae after he’s properly introduced himself to Lu Han. “The others are going to be here soon.”

“I figured they might be a bit late,” Jongdae comments, sitting down beside Lu Han. “Amber and Soojung aren’t here yet?”

“Of course we are,” surprises Jongdae to look up into the skeptical face of Soojung. “You just have shitty observational skills.” Her eyes slide to the side, where Lu Han is, and she smiles. “And you must be Lu Han.”

Lu Han is polite, perhaps still joking a bit as he greets Jongdae’s friends, and it all feels a bit too formal until Baekhyun arrives with the enthusiasm of a gate crasher at a celebrity wedding.

“Lu Han!” Baekhyun greets, arms wide as Zitao rolls his eyes dramatically in the back ground. “My main man, you made it. I was so worried.”

“Ignore him,” Kyungsoo speaks into this beer glass as Chanyeol laughs at Lu Han slightly surprised expression. “He’s always annoying like this.”

“Well, at least you see is what you get,” Lu Han laughs back as Baekhyun shoves himself to sit beside Lu Han and nearly dumps Kyungsoo’s drink into his lap. “Nice to meet you.”

“We’ve heard so much about you,” Baekhyun says, leaning in and propping his chin on his hand as Zitao shakes his head and goes to get a new round of drinks with Chanyeol.

“Good things, I hope,” Lu Han comments, sitting back and letting his arm drape over the back of Jongdae’s chair, settling over his shoulders.

“No, actually,” Baekhyun says, grinning as Lu Han’s own smile falters and he turns to Jongdae. “In fact he refused to call you anything but coffee pervert for the first few weeks.” Lu Han’s eyebrow continues to arch as Jongdae watches Baekhyun’s gleeful expression intensify.

“I didn’t always talk about him negatively,” Jongdae defends himself, leaning into Lu Han’s arm a bit.

“No,” Baekhyun admits as Zitao and Chanyeol return, Zitao slipping in beside him and further squishing Kyungsoo into Chanyeol. “Sometimes you would whine about him for hours and get deeply in touch with your inner teenage girl.” He grins as he accepts the bottle of beer from his fiancé, Zitao throwing Jongdae a look that says _I tried but gave up ten years ago_. Baekhyun just goes back to grinning at Lu Han. “You really bring out the best in him, I swear.”

“It’s Baekhyun, right?” Lu Han asks, nodding to Baekhyun as Zitao shakes his head and turns to join Soojung and Amber in conversation. Baekhyun simply grins and his eyes flicker to Jongdae teasingly, lips curled around the mouth of his bottle. “I figured.”

“Why’s that? Has Jongdae been filling your head with lies about me?” Baekhyun asks, tilting his head in a way that Jongdae is sure he thinks is endearing. It isn’t, but it’s funnier to watch him do it and look like an idiot than tell him the truth.

“No, I think he painted a pretty accurate picture of you,” Lu Han says and Jongdae has to hold down his laughter as Baekhyun takes on a shocked expression, over emphasized but partially genuine. “Though I thought you’d be taller.”

“Good things come in small packages,” Baekhyun replies easily. He then turns his attention to Jongdae. “I told you he was good for you.”

“Don’t,” Jongdae says, shaking his head slightly as Baekhyun gives him a look. “Don’t make me.”

“No, do,” Zitao interjects clueing back into the conversation and fixing Jongdae with a look. “Just think of how he’ll be if you don’t humor him.”

“It’s not humoring me, it’s justifying,” Baekhyun retorts, turning to Zitao with a haughty look and hand on his hip. “Excuse.”

“Excuse,” Zitao replies easily, and then breaks the serious looks with a sudden kissy face at Baekhyun.

“Gross,” Baekhyun tells him, but smiles none-the-less.

“I’m missing something,” Lu Han comments, looking between Jongdae and Baekhyun when Baekhyun turns back to him and fixes him with a pointed look.

“I’m waiting,” Baekhyun says and Jongdae sighs.

“He wants me to tell him that he was right,” Jongdae explains, turning to Lu Han.

“Which I was,” Baekhyun adds, nodding to them both. “So.”

“So what?” Jongdae asks.

“So I told you so,” Baekhyun gleans, a pleased smirk spreading over his lips. “Congratulations, by the way.”

“On what?” Lu Han asks, his fingers tapping over Jongdae’s arm, pulling him to settle more into his side. It’s easy, warm and comfortable to do so, the elimination of distance between them something Jongdae is happy to accommodate.

“On surviving,” Baekhyun says. “So far, you’re the first boyfriend to actually get to meet all of us.”

“That’s because we’re apparently a nightmare,” Soojung says idly, throwing a look at Jongdae that indicates she thinks he’s ridiculous for even suggesting the concept.

“When you’re all together, you are,” Jongdae says, and Amber laughs, the only one at the table to do so.

“I don’t know,” Lu Han says, grinning around the table, his eyes getting their familiar teasing glint in them. “I like you all so far.”

“Give it time,” Kyungsoo says, looking around from where Zitao is reaching over the table to swat at Amber who keeps laughing at him and holding his drink. “Seriously.”

“And I’m the only one that got to meet everyone,” Lu Han muses, quieter as he looks over the table before his eyes slide to Jongdae. “Interesting,” he adds, turning properly to look at him expectantly.

Baekhyun is busy stealing Zitao’s drink as Kyungsoo and Chanyeol are in a discussion with Amber while Soojung goads Zitao to drink everything in his current possession. It’s Thursday, and Jongdae is seated on a chair settled into Lu Han’s side after a long day of work, Lu Han coming from an equally long day, and smelling faintly of a cologne Jongdae has grown to only know of as Lu Han.

“Well, I figured you’d have to meet them sooner or later,” Jongdae says, turning to him and his voice softening despite the noise of the bar.

“True,” Lu Han muses with a slow nod, looking out over the table. They’re still not as seamless as Baekhyun and Zitao might be, or Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, but slowly Jongdae can see how he and Lu Han are forming their own groove. It’s hard to feel out, and considering how recent it’s been that they’re even together again, Jongdae isn’t trying to take things quickly.

He lets out a small laugh, thinking of how different that really is, from how his previous relationships are.

“What?” Lu Han asks, turning to him with curious expectation.

“Just thinking how different you are,” Jongdae says without thinking. Lu Han gives him a look. “Not in a bad way.”

“Like we said, you’re good for him,” Amber says, passing by and grabbing Lu Han’s empty glass.

“You all keep saying that,” Lu Han says with a laugh, looking after her.

“Because it’s true,” Chanyeol calls from down the table. “You are.”

“How?” Lu Han asks, still looking amused, laughing.

“He’s happy,” Soojung says immediately, and the decisive and automatic answer has a small punch to it that goes directly to Jongdae’s chest. From the look of it, it hits Lu Han as well. Soojung just looks at them both, as if they’re too slow on the uptake. “Genuinely.”

“Oh,” Lu Han says, and Jongdae realizes that he’s actually shy, slightly embarrassed. Lu Han doesn’t push, and the conversation continues, Lu Han throwing back Baekhyun’s jokes and laughing with Chanyeol. Jongdae sits at his side and banters with Baekhyun and ends up almost getting everyone roped into billiards before Kyungsoo tells them they all have to go home.

It’s fun, and Jongdae is still smiling with laughter when Lu Han’s hand closes around his own, pulling him back as everyone leaves. “See you Saturday?” he asks, and Jongdae doesn’t think before telling him yes and leaning in to kiss him. Neither does Lu Han pull away, instead kissing back and leaving him with a spoken ‘goodnight’ to his lips before he leaves.

Soojung is staring at him when Jongdae turns back to the curb outside the bar, feeling giddy and warm. “What?” he asks.

“I like him,” Soojung tells him.

“Because he’s good for me?” Jongdae prompts.

“No,” Soojung says slowly, and meets his eyes with a faint smile. “Because he cares so much about you. If he didn’t, he’d never have stuck this out.”

Those words hum around the edge of Jongdae’s mind as he lies in bed and checks his phone with the message from _Lu Han_ and not _Pervert_ and thinks that Soojung is right.  


๑

  
It’s stunning, the stretch of sky above cast in a background of black and dark deep blues and purples, the soft swirls of grey and silver from the milky way stretching beyond the horizon in a mess of celestial pinpricks of endless sky. It’s breathtaking, intimidating on a speculative scale, and calming, the vast openness of the sky offering to put everything in perspective.

Jongdae isn’t sure why, but looking up at the stars that prickle through the darkness, he smiles and feels incredibly calm and happy. It’s been an extremely long time since he really got away, out of the city and it’s lights and noise and came to where light came only from above.

“You suck at this,” calls from down the small hill, a laugh following it and Jongdae lowers his eyes from the sky. Lu Han is looking back at him, a glass jar in his hand with small glowing lights all around him and a grin on his face. “I didn’t believe you when you said you’d never done this before, but now I see you grew up under a rock.”

“Opposed to fine city folk like you,” Jongdae tosses back, smile widening as he steps through the taller grasses and feels it brush against him, walking down the slope. All around them, in a sort of mimicry of the stars above, are little flares of light, soft fading glows from the tiny insects that drift past them. “Who were over exposed to everything and thus turned so dreadfully dull.”

“Terribly,” Lu Han agrees with a heavy sarcasm on his voice that makes Jongdae want to laugh. So he does, and looking over at Lu Han feels warm as the light from the fireflies brushes over his face, lighting up his eyes, shining.

Jongdae wasn’t lying when he answered Lu Han earlier that week over a rushed dinner that he’d never gone out to catch fireflies as a kid. Lu Han, rather than musing on it, had told him they were going to change that. Which brought them to here, now, with Jongdae in a light sweater that barely keeps out the early autumn chill and Lu Han catching bugs in jars with poked holes.

“How many of these do I need?” Jongdae calls, as he catches another firefly and tries to put it in his jar without letting the few he’s managed to capture escape. “I feel like there should be containment restrictions. Otherwise this is obviously animal cruelty.”

“Is this your new calling?” Lu Han calls back, hunched over a bush. “Firefly activist who appeals for the rights of glow bugs. It’ll be the new rage.”

“Someone has to look out for them,” Jongdae tells him and looks up to see Lu Han smiling again, shaking his head as he cups a firefly close to his face, the soft light dancing over his features.

He looks so soft, the starlight and brilliance from the half moon shining in his hair and on his skin and the fireflies giving a warm glow to him. For a moment, Jongdae pauses, standing and looking at him, and feeling that brief guilt about how few times he really stopped to look. He does so now, watching as Lu Han walks around the field and slips more fireflies into a jar carefully, feeling the soft measured heartbeats in his chest and holding onto this.

It’s strange, how even after years of feeling nervous and apprehensive, it’s changed. Jongdae still stands here looking at Lu Han and feeling his nerves twang, but he’s also happy, warm despite the cool air, and oddly content.

He doesn’t look at Lu Han and feel a rush of feeling, that surge of emotion. And when Lu Han looks over at him with a questioning look on his face, Jongdae doesn’t gasp at how his heart jumps. He just feels happy, and warm.

It’s a nice change, and Jongdae finds himself getting used to it incredibly quickly.

“How many?” Lu Han asks, stepping through the field as Jongdae is crouched among the grasses and watching as a firefly crawls up his hand, the touch soft as air. He’s warm, pressing into Jongdae’s side, and he doesn’t hesitate to lean into him. Lu Han’s arm that wraps around his waist is warm, fingers curling around his hip as he leans closer to him.

Glancing over, Jongdae lets himself laugh softly. “Not as many as you have,” he says, looking into Lu Han’s face just beside his, shadowed in moonlight and the soft firefly glow. “I thought you haven’t done this in years.”

“Yeah, well I guess I’m just a natural,” Lu Han says with a grin and leans in easily to press a soft kiss to Jongdae’s lips.

It doesn’t last, Lu Han pulling away easily, but it leaves Jongdae letting out a soft breath.

It’s easy, at the same time he knows they’re still fumbling. He wants to lean back in, to kiss Lu Han again, press their mouths together and melt to him, pull him closer and feel him push back, and make his heart pound in his chest for another reason than it already flutters for. It’s been a long hard grueling week, but Lu Han beside him makes him feel alive, awake and forgetting how tired he is.

It would be so easy to stay up all night with him, just them and the stars. It would be so easy to stay with him curled up under the stars and fall asleep, holding onto him and not caring if he was the one or not.

It’s strange, but in a nice way how he doesn’t think about it as much, how little he thinks about how Lu Han is his soul mate and instead thinks about just Lu Han.

“How many do you have then?” Jongdae asks instead, leaning a bit closer, and feeling his shoulder press gently into Lu Han’s. “I’m not as well versed in the semantics of catching fireflies.”

“As many as you want,” Lu Han tells him before looking up at the sky. “I’m going for a personal best and going to try to catch the night sky.”

Jongdae wrinkles his nose at him. “That was terrible,” he tells Lu Han and Lu Han smiles wide, still looking up at the sky. His eyes are shining, almost like they reflect all the starlight casting down on him.

“I know,” Lu Han says, standing up and pulling back, leaving Jongdae missing his warmth, wanting to follow. He’s still smiling as he looks down. “I said it just for you.”

“For the judgment? That’s masochistic of you,” Jongdae says, reaching up and taking Lu Han’s hand as it’s offered, letting their fingers slip together easily.

“Because your faces are always worth it,” Lu Han laughs, and with a gentle tug leads him back down the slope of the hill. “Speaking of which, if you had seen your face when I accidentally spilled that coffee on you-“

“Lu Han,” Jongdae warns, his stomach twisting.

“Priceless,” Lu Han continues, and lets out a laugh. He doesn’t look annoyed, or upset, but Jongdae can feel the twist in his stomach that isn’t amused. “I swear, I’ve never seen anyone make those kinds of faces before. I didn’t know anyone’s faces could _do_ things like that before.” He’s smiling when he turns to Jongdae.

“Yeah, well,” Jongdae says, letting the warmth from their connected hands sooth the twist that is a residual guilt. “Have you seen what your own face does? You’re not allowed to make fun of me when your own face is all shades of terror inducing.”

“Is this a formal complaint?” Lu Han asks, looking back as they stroll through the tall grasses. “I don’t come with a refund, nor does my face.” He’s still smiling, the light of the moon catching on his lips, but Jongdae can see how the light in his eyes shivers.

It’s that which has him stopping, tugging Lu Han back by their connected hands. “Good,” he says, and means it, leaning in and kissing Lu Han firmly. It takes a pause, where Lu Han hesitates, and Jongdae pushes. It’s all it takes, and when Lu Han pushes back Jongdae can feel himself relax, softening the kiss to linger and last between their lips.

When Lu Han pulls away, it’s slowly and his eyes aren’t shivering. Jongdae is still holding his hand and isn’t going to let go. It’s taken him time, but he’s learning to not let go, and to hold on.

It works though, and Jongdae almost enjoys it more, the way that he’s learning more and more about Lu Han just from being with him, watching him, focusing on him. It’s another side of him that is spoken in touches, in soft movement and the more Jongdae wants to push.

It’s a little funny, how they started with Lu Han pushing him and stepping into his space and Jongdae stepped back. Now it’s Jongdae who’s calling, whose texting and who leans in and pushes. It’s not the same, they’re not the same, but with each step Jongdae finds out more things about Lu Han.

How Lu Han’s eyes light up at something he finds interesting, or funny, and how they shine in playfulness when he gets excited. How he wants to touch, always looks for it with a soft pause and hesitates, not sure if he can or not. He’s graceful, body moving with a fluidity Jongdae almost envies, but clumsy when fooling around and showing off, mind too scattered on everything to focus on what he’s actually doing.

There’s the past of him that’s now still guarded, that is waiting for Jongdae to push first and give him reassurance that this is what it is.

“Fifteen,” Jongdae tells him tugging Lu Han along in the night of stars and fireflies.

“Fifteen what?” Lu Han asks, following him and keeping close, a laugh in his voice, eased.

“Fifteen fireflies,” Jongdae tells him and spots the blanket they’d put out earlier when they’d arrived on the field. The jar in his hand is glowing faintly with the luminescent bugs inside. “I have fifteen fireflies with glowing butts inside my jar.”

Lu Han laughs, the sound startled out of him and Jongdae turns back to see his smile, stretching too wide on his face and thinks, with a jump, that he loves it. “Good for a first try,” Lu Han says, stepping to catch up and placing his jar down first on the edge of the blanket.

“How many do you have then?” Jongdae asks, putting down his own jar before turning to Lu Han with a pointedly raised eyebrow.

“I don't know,” Lu Han says and sighs, looking up at the sky. “I didn’t know we were done.”

“We’ve been catching fireflies for hours,” Jongdae tells him, pushing him back onto the blanket. “You can’t catch them all. They’re not pokemon.”

“Are you _sure_?” Lu Han asks, and the solid sound in his voice has Jongdae scoffing and shoving him. Lu Han lets out another laugh, letting Jongdae push him before he catches his hands and holds them, tugging him closer.

“Lu Han, what would you do with all the fireflies if you caught them?” Jongdae asks him, fighting down the laugh that bubbles in his throat.

“Not sure,” Lu Han says, and his hands are warm around Jongdae’s, his eyes soft and inviting as Jongdae steps closer into him. He can catch the faint smell of Lu Han’s cologne rising from his skin, feel the warmth from him as he moves closer, and see the way the light from the moon plays over Lu Han’s face. “I was considering putting them all down your pants, but figured you wouldn’t appreciate that as much as me.”

Jongdae doesn’t laugh at Lu Han’s mocking smile, his eyes dancing with stars of their own, alight with humor. “No,” he says firmly, sure to meet Lu Han’s gaze. “I would not appreciate that at all.”

“Shame,” Lu Han says, and sighs for effect as his thumbs gently stroke the backs of Jongdae’s hands. His voice is lowered, softer and Jongdae feels a soft shiver travel over his skin, wanting to lean in and feel Lu Han speak. “It would have been funny.”

“I can think of other more amusing things,” Jongdae comments, gaze flickering to Lu Han’s mouth. Lu Han’s eyes are darker when Jongdae meets them again. “We could shove them all down your pants for instance,” he suggests. “Down the back. Give you your very own glowing butt.”

“I can see you’ve put a lot of thought into my ass,” Lu Han teases, and the low curl in his voice has Jongdae feeling warm despite the chill in the air.

“Well, it’s small, so it doesn’t take significant pondering,” Jongdae sighs off, even as he shifts closer. Lu Han’s lips are quirked in a smile as Jongdae presses his own against them in a kiss. His lips are pliant as Jongdae kisses him, and there is only a brief moment before he’s kissing back, slow and easy, taking their time. It’s warm, the soft slide of their mouths together, Lu Han not pushing but responding to every advance Jongdae makes.

Jongdae nips, Lu Han nips back. Jongdae presses closer, his hands uncurling from Lu Han’s grip to press flat against Lu Han’s chest, and Lu Han’s hands slide up his arms, pulling him in as Jongdae eases forward. Jongdae tilts his head, angling to kiss deeper, and the drag of their tongues together has him letting out a sound that has Lu Han’s breath shuddering.

Jongdae pulls back, feeling light headed and flushed, with his lips tingling. Lu Han’s eyes are darker, looking back into his and his mouth is still parted, his hands resting just over Jongdae’s sides.

“That was nice,” Lu Han comments slowly, and his fingers dance along Jongdae’s sides, making warmth spike over his skin, threatening a gasp from his throat. He’s brought back to other times Lu Han has said this, with the same softness, and how he agrees with him.

“I know,” Jongdae says instead of the myriad of other things swimming in his head. “I’m glad you enjoyed it, too,” he adds, and smiles because it’s natural, and Lu Han lets out a breath of a laugh as he leans their foreheads together. Jongdae lets his arms slide around Lu Han’s neck, because he wants to.

He wants to do a lot of things, like lean in and suck Lu Han’s bottom lip into his mouth and listen for his gasp. He wants to skate his fingers down Lu Han’s chest, drag them over his abdomen and feel Lu Han’s fingers in his hair, to push them together until all he can feel is heat. He wants Lu Han.

It’s a little scary, because Jongdae still is getting used to wanting without having it be because of something else. But he wants Lu Han, so leans in and kisses him again, trying to tell Lu Han in a kiss rather than words that he’s not used to saying with this emotion behind them.

Instead, Lu Han pulls away, a smile and a low laugh coming from him as he steps back. For a brief moment, Jongdae thinks he’s leaving, then Lu Han takes his hands and leans in once more to kiss him softly at the corner of his jaw. “Lie down,” Lu Han tells him with humor dancing in his voice.

“Why?” Jongdae asks, even as he watches Lu Han pull away to stretch out on the blanket below him.

“Fine then,” Lu Han says, sighing and crossing his arms behind his head, looking up at him with an air of indifference. “Don’t lie down with me. Your loss, really.” He smiles, teeth flashing almost eerily white in the dim light. “You’re welcome to join though if you change your mind.”

Before, Jongdae may have tried to explain it away as a residual Pull that had him looking down at Lu Han and feeling yearning, wanting to fit with him and meld together all their inconsistencies. Now, Jongdae isn’t trying to fool himself as he leans down, picking up one of the jars full of lightning bugs and watches them lazily glow around the jar.

Lying down with a sigh, he can feel Lu Han watching him, eyes flickering and vibrant in the night as Jongdae holds the jar in his hand. It’s his turn to push, and he just has to trust Lu Han will pull him on his own. “Why do we catch them?” Jongdae asks, shifting on the blanket, closer.

Lu Han’s side is warm as he settles into it, curving towards him and their thighs brushing, Lu Han’s arm against his brushing a comforting tingle over him.

“It’s like catching memories, I guess,” Lu Han says, reaching over and laying his hand over the top of the jar, fingers brushing Jongdae’s. His breathing ghosts over the skin of Jongdae’s neck and the cool smell of autumn mixes with the gentle musk of Lu Han beside him.

“But you let them go,” Jongdae says, turning to Lu Han and their noses almost brush. “You keep memories.”

“They’re still going to be there,” Lu Han tells him, and his smile isn’t teasing, just gentle and slight as it spreads over his lips, his fingers trailing over Jongdae’s on the jar. “Some things don’t go away just because you let them go for a little bit.”

Lu Han’s eyes have a fire in them, not raging like Jongdae is used to seeing in others and not like the fire he saw when Lu Han was angry, the fury licking flames behind them. It’s more of a smoldering burn, and it makes the air come faster as his skin prickles. He sits up, putting aside the jar and knowing Lu Han’s eyes are following him.

When he turns back, Lu Han is still watching him, his hair falling back from his face and hand fallen to rest hot on Jongdae’s thigh. Jongdae wants to, so he leans over, fingers ghosting over the lines of Lu Han’s face, studying him. The soft curve of his lips, the slope of his nose, the arch of his brows and the almost delicate but sharpness of his face, all outlined under Jongdae’s gaze.

Jongdae doesn’t want to ask if Lu Han will go away if he lets go for a little bit. Jongdae doesn’t want to let go of him.

Jongdae wants to keep him, and that want is more than any other thing he’s felt before.

Lu Han’s lips part, his own eyes traveling over Jongdae, settling on his mouth for a long moment before they flicker up to meet his gaze. His hand raises, fingertips skating over Jongdae’s cheek before sliding into his hair, and it’s all Jongdae needs to lean down fully and kiss him.

It’s different, unhurried and exploring and between the tangling of tongues, the soft scrape of teeth and the gentle sounds that pass between them as hands slip over skin. It’s a hazy laziness, of just kissing and touching, Jongdae’s hands venturing to touch, taking his time as Lu Han kisses him and he kisses back, fingers traveling down to absorb the lines of Lu Han’s chest, firm and rising under his touch, his torso, his stomach, his sides, and teasing, wanting to touch.

“Can I?” Jongdae asks, voice low as if speaking too loud will break this slow exploration that has him dizzy.

Lu Han speaks into the curve of his neck where his mouth has been pressing leisurely burning kisses as his own fingers pull his shirt aside. “If you want,” he replies, the words fanning over his skin and making Jongdae shiver.

Lu Han’s skin is warm, and he presses his palms flat, almost greedily against it, moving closer and only then realizing he’s moved back, Lu Han and he on their sides. Jongdae lets out another soft sound as Lu Han bites gently at his throat, then soothes it away with his tongue and he returns in kind by letting his hands explore, shifting closer.

Lu Han doesn’t ask, instead his fingers teasing Jongdae’s skin, running along the exposed strip between his jeans and where his sweater has pulled up, until the skin is almost flaring with the touch. “Touch me,” Jongdae pants, his breathing too hot and fast as Lu Han mouths at his jaw. He kisses him to muffle his moan as Lu Han slides his hands over his skin.

It’s not the first time Jongdae has been touched, he and Lu Han touching before, but not like this. Jongdae is used to hurried touches, rushed progression and an end product of sex. This isn’t rushing, this is a slow burn curling in his core that wants to consume him, and his mind is buzzing with everything about the man he’s with. The overwhelming knowledge and presence of how personal this is, this it’s _Lu Han_ with him and not simply frantic touches, has his blood hot.

It’s unrushed, and Jongdae wants to savor every touch, every kiss and every drag of fingernails over skin and he wants to push so hard until they’re both rushed into blinding feeling.

“Hey,” Lu Han says, catching his attention, breathing harder as his hands hold just under his ribs, strong and not enough. “Stop thinking so much,” he teases, a lighter brush to his words and Jongdae allows himself a smile, leaning into him and just letting go.

Jongdae doesn’t think about pushing, only the slide of skin against skin, the sounds that pull from Lu Han’s throat and sink into his ears and skin, rushing his pulse. He kisses hard and Lu Han kisses harder, pushing and pushing back, the warm shudder of Lu Han’s chest under his hands and mouth. Lu Han pants and Jongdae savors it as he crawls down Lu Han’s body, hands pushing up his shirt to the cool air and peppering kisses and bites down his chest.

The jerk and gasp as Jongdae bites into his skin has a thrill pushing through him, learning him and filing away information as he seeks more. The sound of his name on Lu Han’s lips isn’t a plea or a reprimand and it is only when Jongdae’s teeth graze at his hip that Lu Han pulls him back up.

He kisses him hard, arms pulling him in and wrapping him close, pressed together and legs twining with his, tangling them together. Lu Han’s hands are rougher, traveling down his back, teasing over his hips and waist, and taunting as Jongdae moans back up his sides.

“Tease,” Jongdae pants against Lu Han’s lips and gets a laugh. “You’re a terrible tease,” he continues, moving in to kiss again and sighing when Lu Han pulls back and, still with a soft laugh, gives him a soft peck rather than a real kiss.

“You’re one to talk,” Lu Han says, kissing the corner of his mouth as his hands pull Jongdae’s sweater back down, hot hands against the cool air on burning skin. “You’re the worst tease I’ve ever met.”

“You’ve met a lot of them?” Jongdae murmurs, trying to shift to capture Lu Han’s mouth again. Lu Han obliges him for a moment, kissing languid and deep before he breaks off and sighs, breath ghosting over Jongdae’s neck.

“None like you,” he says, and his eyes dance as he keeps them close, arms wound around each other. “But then, you’re on a whole new level of difficult.”

“I’m trying,” Jongdae says, and means it. He’s still thrumming, the tingling over his skin still present and the ache in his groin not diminishing and he can still feel, almost hear, Lu Han’s own forced stillness. He’s trying, and where Lu Han didn’t push him before, he’s trying not to push now.

It’s still there, a small piece of distrust that he wants to pull out despite how he put it there. They’re still working things out a little, even if Jongdae wishes they weren’t.

The soft pleasant hum under his skin doesn’t fade, instead melting into a dull thrum that seems to vibrate within him as he lies under the stars with Lu Han, curled up with him and slowly letting his hands travel. Lu Han lets out soft hums and gentle sounds of appreciation, eyes flickering between closed and shut, the two of them chatting quietly.

Time doesn’t really seem to matter out here, under the night sky with each other to keep warm. Jongdae doesn’t realize what time it is until Lu Han finally shifts, sitting up and leaving Jongdae feeling cold, but oddly content. It's not strange to lean up and drape over his back, wrap his arms around his shoulders and burrow his face into Lu Han’s neck and breathe in. It’s easy to close his eyes and let himself drift, lost in the sound and feeling of Lu Han breathing with him, lulling into contentment and that strengthening feeling of happiness.

It feels too soon when Lu Han pulls him up, and only when he’s standing does he realize he’s stiff and tired. Lu Han is already releasing the fireflies, watching them fly off into the night.

“What time is it?” Jongdae asks, gathering up the blanket.

“Late,” Lu Han tells him, then smiles as he looks at Jongdae, knowing the comeback at the tip of his tongue. “Past eleven.”

“Shit,” Jongdae mumbles, pressing the heel of his palm into his eye and grimacing. He hadn’t realized it had become that late.

“Your area probably isn’t safe around this time,” Lu Han mused, holding the jars in his hands and looking at him. “You know, bad district and all.”

“Well, I hardly think sleeping in a field is much better,” Jongdae says with a look around their surroundings.

“You could stay over.” Lu Han isn’t looking at him when Jongdae looks over, instead looking out over the field. Once, Jongdae may have thought he looked distant, now he can see the lines at the corners of his mouth are hesitant, waiting, and apprehensive.

Jongdae swallows down the small surge in his stomach. “Are you propositioning me?”

“That depends,” Lu Han says and looks over, the apprehension gone. “Do you want me to?”

Jongdae laughs, and it lets Lu Han smile, relaxing as Jongdae steps forward and shoves him back, lingering for a moment as their eyes lock and Lu Han’s are soft. It makes the feeling of warmth that has wrapped around him swell and push in him, has him wanting to reach over the entire ride home and touch.

It’s well after midnight when they get in, Lu Han looking tired as they get to his place and he pulls Jongdae inside with him. “You could sleep on the couch-“

“Lu Han,” Jongdae almost punches him, and almost forgets to keep his voice down.

“-but I can promise my bed is more comfortable,” Lu Han finishes with a tired grin. “Minseok is at his girlfriend’s place, but if I let you sleep in his bed, he might murder you.”

“Or you,” Jongdae comments, following Lu Han into the apartment, eyes trailing over his form from behind.

“Nah,” Lu Han says, pulling Jongdae into his room and laying a sleepy kiss to his lips. “He likes me. You, on the other hand, he’s not quite warmed up to.”

“I thought he liked me,” Jongdae protests, letting his arms settle around Lu Han and leaning into him.

“Marginally,” Lu Han offers. “Try coffee,” he adds, before letting out a soft sound as Jongdae presses a kiss into his neck, the warm skin soft under his lips. He can feel the hum against his lips and does it again, the feeling of Lu Han’s fingers curling into his sides egging him on. “We should get ready to sleep,” Lu Han murmurs, and Jongdae feels his fingers card through his hair.

Jongdae lets go only when Lu Han slaps him gently on the side, pressing a kiss below his ear. The shirt Lu Han tosses him is too large, and Jongdae quietly enjoys how Lu Han’s eyes linger on him as he sees him in it, the loose shirt showing more off of him than it might off of Lu Han. The ends of Lu Han’s hair are damp from the bathroom when Lu Han pulls him into bed and wraps his arms around him with a sigh.

There is a part of Jongdae that wants to push, the heat from before still simmering, waiting to be reawakened. But, looking into Lu Han’s tired face resting so close to his, Jongdae can’t conjure the need to push them to hard.

“I’m not expecting anything,” Lu Han murmurs to him, voice thick with sleep as his arms tighten briefly.

“Good,” Jongdae says, and feels a tremble of relief. Jongdae is used to wanting things, wanting people, and it’s a little new to realize all the ways that he can want Lu Han. Lying here, curled together, Jongdae can feel himself getting heavy, content, and he wants this, too. “But I don’t object,” he adds, mumbled in the quiet.

Neither of them say goodnight, Lu Han only shifting to kiss Jongdae once more before Jongdae tucks himself closer and breathes in to calm down. Lu Han’s bed is comfortable, probably far more than the couch, and Jongdae is asleep before he means to be, lulled by the soft sound of Lu Han’s heart beat against his ear and holding onto something he cares about.  


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“This is cute,” drags Jongdae from his slumber, blinking and muddling through the sunlight and drowsy feeling of warmth and comfort. “I’m glad I could come home to this.”

Blinking, Jongdae looks into Lu Han’s chest, and has to blink very purposefully before it properly is in focus. During the night, Lu Han’s shirt had pulled up, or Jongdae had pushed it up, and smooth skin and firm muscle had been Jongdae’s pillow. Lu Han himself is grimacing, looking horrifically tired with a hand over his eyes and wild hair, one arm still around Jongdae’s shoulders.

“Why are you here?” Lu Han gruffs out and for a moment Jongdae thinks he’s addressing him before he hears a light laugh at the door.

“Morning wake up call,” Minseok says, leant against the door and looking casually amused and very awake in his proper clothing. “Plus, I wouldn’t miss this charming image.”

“Take a picture,” Jongdae says, glimpsing the clock on Lu Han’s table that reads not even nine yet. Far too early for a Sunday. “For your scrapbook about us.”

Lu Han’s hand drops from his eyes and he lets out a rough chuckle, voice scratchy with sleep and the tingle over Jongdae’s skin tells him how much he likes the sound. He smiles, shifting closer and laying back into Lu Han, almost sighing in contentment as Lu Han’s hand brushes through his hair.

“Long night?” Minseok asks, and his voice is kinder than Jongdae remembers it. Granted that may be due to how he’s not telling him off for being a bastard, but Jongdae will pick things apart later.

“Fireflies,” Lu Han says, waving a distracted hand. “Jars were involved and Jongdae lives in a dangerous place. We’re tired.”

“I can see that,” Minseok says, and there is a definite amused curl to his lips.

“Yes, well, go away,” Lu Han grumbles and rolled over, resulting in him nearly squashing Jongdae and putting his back to Minseok, who is laughing. “Morning,” he mumbles, eyes cracking open to look at Jongdae, a sleepy smile on his lips, before he wraps his arms around him and buries his face into the bed.

Jongdae can only laugh, not awake enough to shove Lu Han off or properly complain about Lu Han trapping him under his weight, and not tired enough to want to shove him off. “Morning,” he returns, letting his arms pull around Lu Han even at the slightly awkward angle and earning a muffled moan from Lu Han.

“Just a heads up, Jongdae,” Minseok calls from the door and earning a groan from Lu Han. “He needs about an hour before he’s remotely tolerable.”

Jongdae just flashes him a thumbs up, feeling that Minseok probably doesn’t dislike him as much as Lu Han might have implied the previous evening.

“He’s lying,” Lu Han mumbles into the bed, still unmoving and reminiscent of a very useless rock slab. “’s only thirty minutes.”

“Glad to know I’ll be suffocated until then,” Jongdae says, keeping his voice quiet.

“Yep,” Lu Han says and Jongdae can see the peek of a smile from where he’s burrowed under the pillows. He yelps when Jongdae pokes him firmly in the side to get off him and then glares reproachfully when Jongdae looks at him evenly. “Is that how it’s going to be?” he asks, and leans back on his elbows, one eyebrow raised.

“Yes,” Jongdae says and ends up laughing, batting back as Lu Han beats him half heartedly with his pillow before rolling them both back into the blankets.

Dizzy and breathless, Jongdae looks up at the sleep lined face of Lu Han with bright eyes amid the morning sunlight, and can’t stop smiling.  


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Sweaty palms is a horrible, disgusting, and unsettling thing and there’s no proper way of dealing with them. Wiping them on trousers is generally a dead giveaway of nerves, and most people zone in on it like sharks by a fish cannery. Ignoring them never seems to work extremely well, as almost always shaking hands somehow gets dragged into things and then everyone is uncomfortable. Worst is the overall dread that someone will approach and the need to apologize for having sweaty palms just to avoid embarrassment will just make things worse.

Jongdae hasn’t had to deal with worrying about if his palms are sweaty in nervous apprehension in a long while, and worrying about it now isn’t helping. He’s already spent all morning working through paperwork and filing for the newest release of album material they have going around and he needs to get more done if he wants to not bring it home. Granted, if this meeting goes well, he will have that option of either putting it off or taking it home and finishing it.

If the meeting goes badly, Jongdae will once more be carting around his resume and Kyungsoo will be giving him significant looks over cups of strongly brewed tea.

At this point, Jongdae will hope that Chanyeol has mercifully spiked it, considering Kyungsoo’s reaction to most alcohol in excess is drowsy mumbles and cuddling. This is fortunate, considering in high school he had the highest bet on being a violent lunatic should he ever be exposed to substances.

For the benefit of most of mankind, this ended up not being the case.

Jongdae might feel a little pathetic that he’s musing about Kyungsoo’s reactions to alcohol rather than the clock on the wall ticking down to his potential excommunication from his company, but he rationalizes no one needs to know. Beside him, he can feel the other interns, all shifting horrible and looking unhelpfully nervous, stiffen as they wait.

At the front of the room, Hyo is standing with a clipboard and looking intimidating with her blond dyed hair pulled up in a very messy knot at the top of her head. It’s very floppy and Jongdae hopes he can make fun of it in a few hours rather than never see it again.

The clock ticks five past the hour, and Jongdae gives up and sticks his hands into his pockets to try to rid them of his nervous sweat. Breathing through his nose, he closes his eyes and tries to count down from one hundred, thinking of anything but the coming evaluation.

Thinking of Baekhyun and Zitao and how they both seemed wary and speculative of each other and the bachelor party plans that their friends were making. (This wasn’t entirely necessary seeing as Kyungsoo didn’t want people throwing up and Jongdae already was vetoed from buying strippers on pain of death from Zitao).

Thinking of his brother’s phone call a few days ago announcing to Jongdae that he was going to be an uncle in eight months, something he was still reeling from.

Thinking of Chanyeol’s recent promotion at his own firm and how he’d celebrated by taking them all out only to leave them all unsupervised as he and Kyungsoo disappeared for a few hours and came back rumpled and looking extremely shifty. Kyungsoo had glared at them all to avoid catcalling and only Baekhyun had been brave (or drunk) enough to actually do it anyway.

Thinking of spending evenings at Lu Han’s and curling close and Lu Han’s laughter when they attempted to cook together last week.

Thinking of Lu Han sprawled on his bed and telling him he was perfectly willing to allow him the floor and laughing when Jongdae kicked him off, a mess of limbs and a smiling face before he hauled Jongdae down with him. How Lu Han had teased him mercilessly until Jongdae told him about his own fears after Lu Han admitted a few of his own.

The feeling of Lu Han’s arms slipping around his waist to claps gently over his stomach and press hard, fitting snug against his back as he sighed, coaxing Jongdae to do the same. _Breathe_ he could almost hear him say, and Jongdae did.

Opening his eyes, Jongdae felt a bit calmer, the tingling along his skin faint and quiet but present, and he kept his smile to himself with the thought of Lu Han there, with him, and whispering encouragement into his ear. Well, encouragement and teasing observation, of the other interns, of Hyo, and of Jongdae himself.

Jongdae had to school his face as he remembered Lu Han’s stock still face when he’d seen Jongdae pull out his suit for the evaluation before he told him in a dead serious voice he looked too much like a grandfather already and this was too far.

Now, Jongdae has to bite his lip to keep from laughing at bit at the memory. The door at the end of the room opens and Jongdae straightens his back, holding his breath and composure as their CEO of Twined Pendulums walks in and looks at them all appraisingly.

Jongdae manages to exchange a brief look with Hyo, one that she apparently makes more significant by arching an eyebrow as if to say _talk and I’ll whip your ass, twerp_. There is also a hint of a smile though, and Jongdae feels a little lighter.

“Well,” the CEO says, taking off his glasses slowly, with measured precision as he looks at them all with tired but authoritative eyes. “You’ve all been here for the standard training period for our company, under the watchful eye of our supervisors who have reported on your progress, your performance, and whether you are believed suitable for the position of full time, or not.”

Beside Jongdae, one of the interns gulps.

The CEO’s eyes flash along the line of young men and women before him. His eyes catch on Jongdae, and something in his stomach jolts with apprehension.

Then their CEO smiles, and Hyo’s mouth slants in a smirk, and Jongdae’s relief slams into him so hard he can’t stop smiling as he hears his name called among those offered to remain.

“See?” Hyo asks as she passes him his official name card and lanyard. “Aren’t you glad I was so hard on you now?”

“Not really,” Jongdae tells her, and his smile widens as she laughs. “Though I suppose I should say thank you.”

“Thank yourself,” Hyo says with a sly tilt to her grin. “You were the one that put in the work. I just shoved you around a bit.” She wags a finger at him. “But don’t get cocky on me, or I’ll be on your ass so fast you’ll wish it was on fire.”

“I’ll do my best,” Jongdae tells her, and is a little surprised, and pleased, to realize how strongly he means it.

Hyo simply smiles, and the pride on her face makes Jongdae feel just a little bit taller.  


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“I’m just saying, if you did hire strippers then you can tell me and I won’t judge you. I know they’re for Baekhyun and not for you but I may have to do a thorough body check when you get back.”

Jongdae laughs into the receiver, shaking his head as he walks up the front steps to Kyungsoo’s house. “I promised Zitao there wouldn’t be strippers, so there aren’t strippers. Plus, I would have told you if I was going to be surrounded by naked men.”

“Naked men for hire are different than naked men you know,” Lu Han muses back to him over the phone. “I have zero faith in Baekhyun not stripped as his last night as an unmarried man.”

“Kyungsoo is going to be there,” Jongdae reminds him, trying very hard not to laugh as he repositions the bag in his other hand, trying to get circulation back into his fingers.

“Exactly,” Lu Han says darkly. “Who is going to keep an eye on you from stripping once Baekhyun starts. I know you two have a history and he’s a terrible influence on you.”

Jongdae can’t stop laughing. “Lu Han,” he tries to scold but it loses all weight amid his laughter.

“Zitao is good for him,” Lu Han continues, a little softer, almost contemplative. “I bet Zitao has strippers.” Jongdae starts laughing again, wanting to put a hand over his brow and just try to calm down but he’s holding a huge bag of suggestive party decorations and very unhealthy food. “You’re a terrible best man for not getting him strippers when his fiancé probably has them.”

“Zitao doesn’t have strippers,” Jongdae tries to dissuade him.

“I’m still doing a full body search on you when you get back,” Lu Han tells him, and the smile is evident in his voice.

“There won’t be strippers,” Jongdae tells him, feeling heat creep over his face at the thought of Lu Han stripping _him_ down and running his hands over him, pressing fingers into skin, lips against his, down his chest, over his stomach, ghosting over his-

“Doesn’t mean I don’t want to thoroughly investigate you for damages,” Lu Han tells him. “Or just a full body check. Perhaps a cavity search.”

Jongdae’s laughter is chocked as his face heats, hotter as he tries to control the mental images of himself with Lu Han from the other night and hang up and open the door all at once. Needless to say, he was having difficulty.

“You’re right,” Lu Han comments when Jongdae’s laughter has faded a little. “I should trust you, or something like that.”

“Yes,” Jongdae tells him, wedging his phone onto his shoulder so he can reach up to knock on the door, thinking wisely that if he kicks it, Kyungsoo may cut off his leg. “You should trust me. I trust me.”

“I’m delighted to hear you have such faith in yourself.”

Behind the door, Jongdae can hear the sound of someone approaching. From the volume and enthusiasm of the footfalls, it’s Chanyeol. “I have to go,” Jongdae tells Lu Han, shifting to take his phone from his shoulder. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Alright, go get trashed and make sure Baekhyun can’t stand or hold onto things to stay upright,” Lu Han tells him. “Be a good best man and destroy him like best men are supposed to.”

“I love you too,” Jongdae says, and hangs up before he can feel nervous about those words and how much he means them. Chanyeol does open the door, smiling wide and looking bright and excited, immediately helping Jongdae with his bags of party shit before excusing himself.

“I thought you were helping us set up,” Jongdae says, confused as Chanyeol makes to push past him, out of the home.

“I have to go pick up a few things,” Chanyeol says, waving a hand but still smiling. “I’ll be back in a bit, before Baekhyun gets here.” He lets out a soft laugh, glancing into the house. “Go help Kyungsoo. He’s getting too particular about streamers.”

Jongdae almost opens his mouth to tell him that he can go out and take care of those errands, how Chanyeol would probably be better use to Kyungsoo regarding hanging things in high places. Then he shrugs, turns, and goes to find Kyungsoo frowning at streamers that are obnoxiously neon and entirely indecent.”

“I have decided I am never participating in another bachelor party as long as I am alive and lucid,” Kyungsoo says darkly, staring at the streamers that have little prints of dicks on them.

“What about when you get married?” Jongdae asks, reaching into his supply bag and pulling out his own decorations. Most of them are party favors and food and very pornographic candies. “I thought I was already going to be your man of honor and we were going to take you pole dancing.”

“I changed my mind,” Kyungsoo says, looking grim. “I am going to make you all watch documentaries on the human body with me as punishment for anything you might attempt to make me do.”

“Baekhyun will enjoy that,” Jongdae laughs, beginning to set up the room as Kyungsoo begins to hang penis streamers around his usually decent living room.

“Baekhyun will be pointedly not included,” Kyungsoo grumbles. “I don’t need his assessment of how the elbow could technically be considered a euphemism.”

“What else do we have Baekhyun for though?” Jongdae jokes, looking up at Kyungsoo as he teeters on a step stool. Really, it would have made far more sense if Chanyeol had stayed and helped.

“Target practice,” Kyungsoo says, but there is a fondness to his slow smile. “For darts.”

“He’ll be delighted to know his second best man has such deep and sentimental care for him,” Jongdae says, chuckling to himself as he leafs through his small collection of CD’s and muses over what will be suitable for a bunch of people celebrating Baekhyun getting hitched but also allowed in the place Kyungsoo and Chanyeol call their home. He settles on bassy electronica.

“That’s why you’re here tonight,” Kyungsoo says, sighing and stepping down to reposition the step stool to hand more streamers. “To make sure we don’t decide that he’s more fun than the dart board after most of our judgment has been clouded by alcohol.”

“I’ll try my best,” Jongdae tells him, smiling back and Kyungsoo pauses, one hand holding the step stool and the other the roll of streamers. Jongdae raises his eyebrows. “You hired the strippers, right?”

Immediately Kyungsoo’s face darkens again. “Jongdae, we’re not having strippers.”

“Kyungsoo, what kind of people are we if we don't have strippers for Baekhyun?” Jongdae says seriously, letting his hands fall and an expression of outright dismay and annoyance play over his face, watching Kyungsoo’s emotions war on his face. He sighs, letting his head drop and eyes close to adopt a pinched expression. “Did you still have that hotline number at least?”

“Jongdae!” Kyungsoo raises his voice and it takes all Jongdae has not to start laughing. “We are not having strippers in my house! On my _furniture_.”

“Baekhyun would get your strippers for your bachelor party,” Jongdae throws back and watches with amusement masked by irritation as Kyungsoo appears to have a small horribly repressed fit. “Kyungsoo, we’re his _best men_ -“

“We agreed no strippers with Zitao and there will be absolutely no strippers and- oh fuck you!” Kyungsoo throws the roll of penis streamers at Jongdae looking livid but also amused as Jongdae finally cracks and bursts out laughing. “You’re a horrible person. I did _not_ need that.”

“Your face was amazing,” Jongdae tells him, still laughing as he continues to set up. “That was so worth it.” His shoulder stings a bit from where the streamers clipped it but he tosses back the roll regardless as he goes to check on their food supplies for later.

“Baekhyun keeps saying Lu Han is a good influence on you, but I think he’s wrong, you’re worse than ever,” Kyungsoo grumbles, dropping the step stool and going back to taping the streamers around.

“I dunno,” Jongdae muses, a smile on his face and feeling brighter, happier, and the bubble of incessant laughter in his chest. “I don’t think he’s so bad.”

Kyungsoo just raises an eyebrow and Jongdae lets himself smile. Kyungsoo’s other eyebrow raises when Jongdae pushes a drink into his hands, freshly made and holding one of his own. “We’re in for a long night,” Jongdae tells him, thinking of their attendance list and the stuff they have planned. “You’re going to want that in your system in an hour.”

Kyungsoo just sighs and takes the drink, taking a long drag just as Chanyeol arrives back, arms full of the last of snack food and holding what is supposed to be a cake for everyone. “They were out of the special penis cupcakes,” Chanyeol announces loudly from the hall and Kyungsoo visibly winces.

“Sacrifices will be made,” Kyungsoo mutters before taking another gulp of his drink and finally looking up at Jongdae and smiling at him.

“Don’t do that too much,” Jongdae tells him, taking the now empty glass from Kyungsoo and reaching forward to ruffle his hair. Kyungsoo looks ready to glare. “Better. If you smile too much Baekhyun might not trust that we didn’t get him naked men to dance on him.”

“We aren’t getting him strippers?” Chanyeol asks, looking slightly dismayed as he walks into the main room and holding another bag of party crap. “But I got all this confetti-“

“I’m going to-“

Chanyeol lets out a yelp of a laugh as Kyungsoo throws the almost finished streamer roll at him. Jongdae catches Kyungsoo’s face though, and he’s smiling as Chanyeol continues to laugh, clearly delighted with himself as Kyungsoo stalks him to the kitchen with an air of menace despite the amused smile tugging at his mouth.

A soft quack sounds from across the room.

_Lu Han: 8:52 – Are you drunk yet?_

Jongdae lets out a soft laugh and types back a mess of letters, numbers and symbols that all make absolutely no sense, giving himself some time before he has to go check on the kitchen. His phone quacks again and Jongdae checks the message back.

_Lu Han: 8:53 – You didn’t even try that time. I’m docking you points._

_I wasn’t aware there were points involved._

_Lu Han: 8:54 – There are. It’s a new system that I’ll be using as I check in on you all night. For my own amusement._

Jongdae chuckles and shakes his head, leaning against the couch. _I’m turning off my phone._

_Lu Han: 8:55 – Spoil sport :P Have fun~ If you take body shots off people at the bar later, remember to tip them properly._

_So I can take body shots off people but I can’t be around strippers?_

_Lu Han: 8:55 - I don't trust strippers around you_

_Rude._

_Lu Han: 8:56 – I know. Make yourself less tempting and distracting then I won’t have to bother worrying all the time about people attempting to molest you. That’s my job._

“Is that Lu Han?” startles Jongdae to look up from his phone. Kyungsoo is standing a few feet away, holding a bowl of chips and clearly having just put down a bowl of salsa. Jongdae hadn’t even realized he’d come in, too absorbed in his phone.

“Yeah,” Jongdae answers, snapping his phone shut just as another message buzzes in. “Why?” he asks, making to stand up and make himself more useful than chatting with his boyfriend.

“Just-“ Kyungsoo takes a moment to put down the bowl of chips before he straightens, looking at Jongdae carefully, almost studying him. “It’s cute. You’re cute.”

“Cute,” Jongdae repeats back, trying to think of himself and Lu Han. The last time Kyungsoo had seen them together, Lu Han had him in a headlock and was attempting to shove his fist into his mouth to prove it was the only way to get him to shut up. “Yeah, we’re fucking adorable as bunnies in spring.” He has the strong urge to roll his eyes.

“You are though,” Kyungsoo says and his voice gives Jongdae pause. “Not in a typical way, but in your way.”

“Is that supposed to make sense?” Jongdae asks, and Kyungsoo sighs, looking like he wants to frown at him or pull his hair.

“No,” Kyungsoo says, and steps back, shaking his head. The line of tension in his shoulders hasn’t gone away, and the sudden break from the conversation reminds Jongdae of what they’re supposed to be doing. “I guess not.”

Jongdae feels for a moment as if he’s missing something, but shrugs it off as there is another knock on the door.

“Oh shit,” says Kyungsoo and glances at the clock on the wall. Jongdae doesn’t get the chance to open the door to let in the guest before Baekhyun does it himself, waltzing in and looking all to ready for a party to being.

“Which one of you is getting me a drink?” Baekhyun asks, without even the briefest of formal hellos or proper greetings. “And when are the strippers getting here?”

“After you’re too drunk to touch them,” Chanyeol tells him, coming in and getting a grin.

“Well, that seems best,” Baekhyun says with a firm nod. “Then I’ll be too drunk to remember them and thus Zitao and I will have kept our promise.”

“Yes,” Jongdae says, walking up and clapping his best friend on the shoulder. “That’s exactly how it’s going to work. Now let’s get you something to drink.”

“I like this party already,” Baekhyun says with a grin, smiling around at his three friends. “You even got me penis streamers. How fitting.”

It takes another hour before everyone gets there, and as the noise level increases, so does the alcohol volume. This Kyungsoo forgetting to be responsible and instead laughing on the couch with Baekhyun sprawled next to him, both of them in horrible party hats. Jongdae thinks it’s going quite splendidly.

Food is kept in good supply by both himself and Chanyeol, as Amber and Daehyun and Baekbeom all make contributions and some of Baekhyun’s other friends argue over music. It isn’t until when it’s nearly midnight and Baekhyun has been singing along to everything incorrectly and Chanyeol begins rounding them all up to go to the bar that Jongdae checks his phone again.

There are a few messages from Lu Han, the last two reading _I imagine you’re having much more fun than I am and expect a full story. Hangovers don’t count as excuses I’m living vicariously through you._ followed by _It’s movie night and Minseok and his girlfriend have the worst taste in movies and won’t let me in their movie nest. :c_

_I can hear your suffering from here_ Jongdae texts back, before letting himself get swept along with the crowd putting on jackets as Baekhyun loudly demands if there will be strippers where they’re going.

“Yes!” Kyungsoo shouts from the back where he’s leaning heavily on Baekhyun and looking completely wasted. “There will be amazing strippers there, all on poles and dancing. Shut up, you cow!”

“Poles,” Baekhyun giggles before Amber catches his other side and laughs. Baekhyun snorts loudly, burying his face into her neck and wheezing with laughter as she helps steer both him and Kyungsoo down the hall. “Poles!”

“Well, at least he’s having fun,” Chanyeol comments, stepping to Jongdae’s side as they near the back of the group, taking up the rear. Amber appears to be leading the front, her and Baekhyun both with fists raised valiantly in the air as if heralds into battle as they sing two completely different songs together.

“That’s the whole point, isn’t it?” Jongdae asks, feeling a bit fuzzy and a little light headed, but the pleasant hum of alcohol in his veins has him happy and smiling, a good buzz. “This is supposed to be a fun night for him. To be happy.”

Chanyeol’s smile curves, and his eyes are shining a bit, glazed with drink. “He’s not the only one happy.”

“Well, good,” Jongdae says, not sure where Chanyeol is going with these general statements of his. “People should be happy. Like you. And me.”

“Yeah,” Chanyeol says, and his tone is softer, more contemplative than it should be for alcoholism. “It’s nice to see you finally letting yourself be happy,” he continues and Jongdae’s fingers brush along the outline of his phone in his pocket. “Considering you didn’t for so long.”

“What are you talking about?” Jongdae asks, wanting to laugh it off and not think about this and just let it go as Chanyeol being drunk.

“You and Lu Han,” Chanyeol tells him, and his smile is a little too big and obvious for Jongdae to handle when his last drink starts kicking in. “He makes you happy. It’s so easy to see.” He laughs, loud and rich and stupid. “Maybe we’ll be doing this for you next.”

“Or Kyungsoo,” Jongdae adds, a tumble in his tummy he’s not ready for.

Chanyeol looks like he’s about to say something but then Baekhyun is yelling about how if they need an extra pole dancer, he’s willing to sacrifice himself and Amber is laughing so hard she drops him. “Well shit,” Chanyeol says instead of something meaningful and Jongdae laughs as he goes to find Baekhyun sitting on the ground and looking delighted to be there.

“I’m getting murried,” Baekhyun mumbles into Jongdae’s shoulder as he uses him as an ambulant walking stick. “To Zitao.”

“Yep,” Jongdae tells him, patting his smiling friend on the head as Baekhyun smiles dreamily at everything.

“He’s an awesome stripper,” Baekhyun tells him in slurs and Jongdae considers himself the absolute best man as he walks with Baekhyun the rest of the way to the bar hearing _exactly_ how good of a stripper Zitao happens to be.

_I hope I don’t remember some things from tonight_ Jongdae texts Lu Han as they get to the bar and he unleashes Baekhyun into the foray. _I know too many things about Zitao now_.

Lu Han texts him back laughing emoticons and a winking face and Jongdae laughs himself before Kyungsoo drags him determinately to the dance floor so they can ‘supervise’ Baekhyun and ensure he doesn’t tried to proposition people. Or objects.

Jongdae is very sure they’ve done an excellent job of a bachelor party when he sees the endless smile on Baekhyun’s face.  


๑

  
It might be a little too late in the season, the days short and the people gathering dissipating in number and enthusiasm. It’s luckily been unnaturally warm for the last few weeks and perhaps it’s that which has the lingering sunlight feeling warm against skin.

“We’re not going to have enough light,” Jongdae comments, looking over the stretch of the lake before them and watching the way the orange light lights the distant trees on fire. “So much for leisure.”

“Well then we can just enjoy how many people will go home and leave us by ourselves,” Lu Han says, looking completely unconcerned as he drops the blanket in his arms into a heap at his feet. “It’ll be more interesting.”

“Why, it’ll be colder,” Jongdae rationalizes and can feel the coolness of the shadows around his feet. It’s still warm now, but once it gets dark, it’ll get cold and something about lying around in wet clothing in the open air isn’t terribly appealing.

“That's why we share body heat and survive like our ancestors,” Lu Han tells him, walking up with a grin and giving him a firm slap on the ass. It would make Jongdae react a bit more if his hand didn’t linger, dragging up from stinging skin to flutter under the hem of his shirt and press an almost apology to the small of his back.

“Of course, how silly of me,” Jongdae scrutinizes as Lu Han pulls away, tugging his shirt over his head easily. Jongdae doesn’t stare, he _appreciates_ as he watches the muscles of Lu Han’s back flex and stretch, the long curve of his neck twisting as he angles to throw his shirt back to their blanket. He can see the cooler air prickling along the lines of Lu Han’s skin, tempting him to reach out and run his hands along it, pressing the warmth to his palms.

“Well, you are very silly,” Lu Han says with a look back at him. “You’re still dressed, which is just proof. C’mon and hurry up or we will be night swimming, and then we may as well be skinny dipping.”

“Ah ha,” Jongdae says, looking pointedly at Lu Han as he pulls his shirt over his head. The soft nip of the chillier air against his skin has him shiver a bit, but whether it’s from the cold or the sweeping look Lu Han gives him, he’s not sure. “You just wanted to see me naked. I see now.”

Lu Han laughs, and takes Jongdae’s shirt, throwing it away. “No,” he says, stepping closer to shove him down the sandier grass towards the waters edge. He leans in and Jongdae can feel the warmth of his body seep into him from the back, Lu Han’s lips grazing his ear. “If I wanted to see you naked I wouldn’t have asked you to go swimming,” he murmurs low, so only Jongdae can hear and it has his breath jump. “Or I’d have pulled down your pants already and laughed at you.”

Jongdae makes to turn around, mouth open to protest and about to raise his hand and shove Lu Han, when there is a push to his shoulder and he’s tumbling, unbalanced. He lets out a yelp and it gets swallowed with the shocking cold of water as he falls into it, Lu Han’s laughter ringing around him.

“Asshole,” Jongdae spits, pushing himself from the water and sending a wave of water to Lu Han who is far too pleased with himself judging from his face. “You could have warned me.”

“That’s not fun though,” Lu Han tells him and Jongdae is removed the option of jumping up to tackle him into the lake when Lu Han hurls himself in as well with a great whoop. Sputtering and shaking his head from the fresh splash of water, Jongdae does the most practical thing he can do when Lu Han resurfaces.

He grabs him by the head and dunks him back under, laughing as Lu Han sputters and flails, nearly catching him in the jaw with a fist.

“What kind of soul mate are you, trying to drown me,” Lu Han accuses, resurfacing and glaring at him, the light from the sunset shining on his shoulders and making them glisten with water as his hair lies wet about his face, sticking.

“Yours,” Jongdae throws back easily with a splash of water. “What else did you expect?”

“Nothing, really,” Lu Han says, grinning as he shifts away from Jongdae’s water attack with ease and bubbling at him in the water. Jongdae pauses, looking at him and wondering for a moment how serious he is, before Lu Han grins and suddenly ducks under water, disappearing.

“Shit,” Jongdae says, trying to see Lu Han in the water and glancing around frantically. He’s all prepared for the tug at his ankle, tugging him under and ready to kick Lu Han if he has to. He isn’t prepared for Lu Han to suddenly leap onto his back and tackle him with a loud yell and drag them both under water.

It’s been an age since Jongdae had gone swimming, and even in the cool water and the cooling air, knowing that he’s getting cold, Jongdae can’t help but laugh and play as Lu Han breathlessly try to essentially drown each other. Jongdae can’t stop laughing, even sputtering in the water as he gets pushed under it, and only pauses as Lu Han sneaks forward and kisses him.

The sunset is streaking over the hills, the leaves shuddering in the trees as the last reds and pinks streak in the clouds above them and Lu Han’s mouth slides over his hot and wet, his fingers tracing along Jongdae’s jaw. Jongdae is already panting from swimming and grappling with Lu Han, pulse racing and alive under his skin and he opens completely, the warm slide of Lu Han to him chests brushing, has him gasping.

It’s a strange contrast, the heat of Lu Han, almost dizzying against the cool of the water as he laps around them. Lu Han pulls away, mouth swelling and eyes lit up as he smiles. It leaves Jongdae buzzing, wanting him back, wanting them pressed together, to feel Lu Han again, to push his hands into his damp hair and pull him down and lick into his mouth.

“Tease,” he jeers instead, splashing another wave at Lu Han.

“Well, you were the one who turned up your nose at skinny dipping,” Lu Han shrugged back, easily sending back a wave of water. “Not my fault.”

“There are children here,” Jongdae retorts, jerking his head towards the shore. Lu Han raises an eyebrow. “There _were_ children here. I’m being considerate.”

“Such a gentleman,” Lu Han coos at him and Jongdae splashes him for good measure. “So caring for the preservation of our youths’ innocen-“

Jongdae shoves his head underwater and Lu Han surprised him into a half yell as he tackles him under water with a bite to his stomach.

“You cheated,” Jongdae grumbles as Lu Han tosses his hair from his eyes, once more above water and grinning in triumph.

“Nah,” Lu Han says, and Jongdae feels his fingertips ghost along his hip, tugging at the waist of his swim trunks. “If I wanted to cheat I’d have pulled these off.” He gives a firm pull down to the Jongdae’s trunks, sending a jolt of shock and heat through him as he yelps and flails.

“No!”

Lu Han is laughing again, unabashedly and open and uncaring as to who sees or hears him as his hair sticks to his forehead and Jongdae is in love with him.

It’s not a carnal wanting, a growling burn in him that borders on desperation to fix an emptiness. It’s feeling whole instead, and happy and seeing Lu Han and knowing he’s the reason why. It’s not caring if Lu Han doesn’t see him at his best, because he knows Lu Han is still going to be there.

Swimming in the lake with Lu Han still laughing as he squirts water at him with his hands, Jongdae realizes that this is what it is all really about.

For years, he’d somehow mixed them all up into something impossible, and which make him so tied up he couldn’t really understand where his head even was anymore. He’d had others tell him, try to get him to understand, but Jongdae had been too stubborn to really have that work.

Until Lu Han crashed into him, just as stubborn and just as determined and it all… worked.

In a way that it didn't work how it was _supposed_ to because it was never about how things had to work, but how they worked. Soul mates who were that part of life that just made sense somehow, that was what he needed, and what he wouldn’t find in anyone else. Lu Han was that for him, something that called him out when he was stupid, listened and was patient when he was stubborn, and could laugh at him and not care if he messed up and still be there.

It stuck with him as Lu Han finally pulled him out of the water, shoving him back up the shore with hands that melted into his back, warm and sure and stable. Jongdae nearly stopped and just let himself fall back on them, into Lu Han, turning to burrow into him, almost shaking with the want to.

The cool air was sharp against his skin as Lu Han pulled him down onto the carelessly spread out blanket, and Jongdae felt heavy as Lu Han settled with his head on his chest. The drying strands of Lu Han’s hair sifted gently between Jongdae’s fingers as he wondered if he was the same for Lu Han, if Lu Han thought of him and felt that balance, and the thrum that said it was right.

“Stop thinking,” Lu Han mumbled, voice rumbling into his side as he shifted closer, fingers drawing lazily patterns on Jongdae’s stomach and cheek pressed into his skin, warm and soothing. “You're always so quiet when you’re thinking too hard and it never ends up being a good thing.”

“I’m thinking about us,” Jongdae told him, honestly.

Lu Han pushed himself up, pulling away to look down at him, and the evening shadowed his face but not enough that the serious lines in it weren’t evident. “What about us?”

“About you,” Jongdae says, feeling nervous and heavy in his chest as he looked up at him. “If it’s the same for you as me.”

Lu Han blinked, not saying anything for a moment, before, “wow, Jongdae that was a decidedly useless explanation.”

“Don’t be an ass,” Jongdae scolded, slapping Lu Han on the arm and then letting his hand stay, resting on Lu Han, holding as the thought pressed. “With you, you're what works, and I’m comfortable and it feels balanced and you call me out when I’m dumb and I don't care when you’re stupid because you’re everything.”

Lu Han is staring at him, but his eyes are softer, glittering slightly as he watches and waits for Jongdae to finish. Patient.

“And I wonder,” Jongdae has to breathe in. “If I do the same for you.”

There is a stretch of silence where Lu Han doesn’t answer, just stares at him and is still, half leaned over him and still too far away. Jongdae can feel the tightening in his chest, the small shiver just above his stomach and wets his lips.

“Jongdae,” Lu Han says, and his voice is lower, softer, and it lets Jongdae release the breath he had been holding. “You think too much,” he tells him before leaning down and kissing him softly. It’s not pushing, not asking for Jongdae to deepen it, just a chase press of lips that tells Jongdae he’s here, not going anywhere, and it’s all the answer Jongdae really needs.

Lu Han doesn’t press to deepen the kiss, but Jongdae opens to it, leaning up and pushing back, letting his hand slip to tangle in Lu Han’s hair again, pulling him in and down. Lu Han lets him, shifting slightly to accommodate the angle as Jongdae curls his fingers around the back of his neck, back arching as Lu Han’s chest brushes against his, searching for more.

It’s a cool night, but Jongdae’s skin burns with heat as Lu Han’s tongue tangles with his, breathing coming sparse and hasty between them as Jongdae keeps him close with a hand at his neck. His hips roll up as Lu Han settles over him, weight heavier but welcome and Jongdae wants it, presses up for it and lets out a shuddering exhale as Lu Han chuckles low.

“I thought we were being mindful of the innocent children,” he says, lips pressing the words into Jongdae’s mouth as his hand slides down to grip and steady Jongdae’s hip. “The sounds you make are hardly innocent.”

The lower edge to his voice, dipped in heat and a tinge of seduction has Jongdae shivering, his grip tightening on Lu Han’s arm. Lu Han’s eyes are dark, and full of suggestion but not demands and it makes Jongdae want it more. Want Lu Han more.

“There aren’t children here right now,” he says, and his voice is breathless and rough.

Lu Han’s eyes widen before he’s laughing, darker sounding but still laughing. “Jongdae did you just ask me to get you off in public?” he asks, sounding near incredulous and drastically amused by it.

“I’ve asked for stranger things in my life,” Jongdae tells him, smiling back as Lu Han continues to laugh, the sound spilling out of him and vibrating into Jongdae and the dull pulse of lust mixes with the sheer harmonious function of being with him. Jongdae is dizzy with it.

“Maybe another time,” Lu Han tells him, voice still laced with laughter as he leans down to press a searing kiss to Jongdae’s jaw, hand at his hip slipping to press in and down, pulling a sharp gasp from Jongdae.

Swim trunks are not practical to get erections in. There are, quite honestly, not many clothes that are practical to get erections in, if Jongdae is honest, but right now he can only think of how badly he wants to touch Lu Han and be touched _by_ him.

“Maybe,” Jongdae sighs, closing his eyes and willing himself to calm down, the building tension in him and rising rush of arousal pleasant, but not for now. “You should probably stop teasing though unless you want me to make those sounds you mentioned.”

“Positively filthy,” Lu Han tells him, with a swift look before kissing him sharply, pinching his hip, and carefully shifting away. “Pity though,” he comments as he keeps his hand on Jongdae’s stomach, watching his chest rise and fall as Jongdae tries to calm his breathing back to normal. “It could have been fun. And I’m sure you’ve done stranger things.”

Jongdae bites his lip. It’s strange for him to have been this slow moving in anything. It feels almost opposite, how he went through this whole thing. In all his other relationships, he felt a flare and then pushed, often getting someone in bed with him before delving into them on a more personal level.

The slow progression of kisses, touches that have lingered and explore with lazy curiosity and no haste is something that _is_ new for Jongdae. Jongdae has spend multiple nights with Lu Han legitimately just sleeping with him, moving only as far as one night last week with his hands in Lu Han’s hair as he came down his throat.

It wasn’t enough, at the same time it was and he didn’t need to push it.

There isn’t a rush for it, not like he had felt before, where it was a sort of adventure of fuck and find out.

Falling in love first, realizing that he wants to be with Lu Han before trying to push and make it so, makes him all the more sure.

He doesn’t feel nervous then, which he had on so many occasions before, as Lu Han looks at him and the want in Jongdae’s body isn’t overwhelming.

It’s reaffirming.

“Come home with me,” he propose, and Lu Han only raises an eyebrow before he leans up, propping himself on his elbow to look at him.

“My place is-“

“Please,” Jongdae asks, knowing Lu Han’s is nicer, bigger, perhaps a bit cleaner but also on the other side of town and farther, and Jongdae doesn’t particularly like the idea of Minseok listening into his apparent ‘noises.’

Lu Han’s answer comes in the form of his hand slipping just a bit lower, teasing the line of Jongdae’s waist for his swim trunks and the darkened look in his eyes when Jongdae’s breath hitches and he moves into the touch.

“Next time though,” Lu Han tells him, as he leans in and his palm pushes gently on his abdomen, pressing the breath from Jongdae’s lungs. “I can stay at mine.” He grins. “Bed’s bigger.”

“You love my couch though,” Jongdae points out with a teasing smile to his lips.

“I do,” Lu Han concedes, hand warm as it slips up his chest, leaving a burn in it’s wake. “Twist my arm why don’t you.”

Jongdae doesn’t twist his arm. He leans up and drags Lu Han’s lower lip between his teeth and startles a grown from him that has heat writhing in his gut. It’s almost dark as Lu Han shoves the blanket into the backseat of his car and Jongdae slips into the front. He almost just crawls into Lu Han’s lap when Lu Han gets in, sealing them together until both of them see white.

His hands twist in the hem of his swim shorts the drive back, glancing over at Lu Han and letting his eyes rove. Lu Han has unhelpfully neglected to put his shirt back on and Jongdae is horribly tempted by him.

“I swear if you don’t stop staring at me I will drive us off the road,” Lu Han tells him firmly, even as he reaches over and fists his hand over Jongdae’s thigh, squeezing tight.

“Of course, that’s far less distracting,” Jongdae says, holding back a groan.

“Yes,” Lu Han says, and flashing him a sideways grin. “Now you have something else to concentrate on.

The street lights reflect on Lu Han’s hair outside of Jongdae’s apartment complex, Lu Han pulling on a shirt briefly. Jongdae’s apartment is almost stark as he turns on the lights for it, leading Lu Han inside and it’s familiar, having Lu Han just a step behind him, warmth at his back. The times Jongdae has been stumbled into his apartment with fevered kisses that he worked up is nothing like the curl in his lower abdomen.

It’s not being pushed back into a wall with passion, but Jongdae turning to Lu Han and seeing the look in his eyes and says _I want you_ and feeling his breathing hitch. It’s wrapping his arms around Lu Han’s neck and kissing him hard and deep, feeling Lu Han’s hands settle around him, and the space between pushed out. It’s the feeling of Lu Han’s heart beat against his own, and the thought of _I want him_ that aches in all of him.

“Fuck,” Lu Han pants out, as he mouths hot at the corner of Jongdae’s jaw, Jongdae’s hands pulling his shirt up and wanting to get at skin, the hunger for contact strong. Wanting to feel Lu Han against him, nothing between them, feel all of him, take all of him, and have it be Lu Han, Lu Han, _Lu Han_.

Jongdae is the one pushing him down, watching Lu Han’s back hit his bed and his eyes smolder desire back at him. Jongdae knows him, has learned him and relishes in the sounds, soft gasps and quiet moans that he pulls from Lu Han’s throat with his hands and mouth, touching on place he know on Lu Han’s body. He peels down Lu Han’s swimming trunks, and though he’s seen Lu Han naked before, he still takes a moment.

“No, really, take your time,” Lu Han tells him, voice lower despite how casual it is. He’s propped up on his elbows amid Jongdae’s unmade bed, smiling at him with bruised lips and wrecked hair and flushed want.

The dive in Jongdae’s groin coupled with the throbbing ache has him less in a laughing mood, letting out only a breathless chuckle as Lu Han pulls him closer with hooked fingers in his swim trunks.

“I don’t mind,” Lu Han speaks softly against his mouth, breath ghosting hot over his face as his fingers tease Jongdae’s swim trunks down, rubbing against his cock and making Jongdae hiss. Lu Han’s mouth tugs to the side. “I’m not in any rush. We have all night.”

“I was hoping we also had tomorrow,” Jongdae says, though his voice comes out far more breathless, wanting. He _wants_. “Unless you’re not up for it.”

Lu Han silences him with a kiss, and Jongdae eagerly meets him, shimmying out into nothing and letting Lu Han pull him on top of him. They both let out a gasp, Jongdae dissolving into a moan as they come together, sensitive and it makes Jongdae tremble to ache. Lu Han’s hands are kneading at his lower back, pressing fingers into his ass, and he presses back into them.

“Jongdae,” Lu Han answers the motion and Jongdae just wants him to do something, the friction of their cocks together not enough, the pressure building inside of him to raw.

“I want you to fuck me,” Jongdae speaks against Lu Han’s mouth. Lu Han’s mouth stills against is and Jongdae pushes on. “I want you inside of me, I want to be with you and I want you and please, God, Lu Han, please.”

Jongdae doesn’t realize he’s begging until Lu Han swears and his hips buck up, hands clenching and Jongdae cuts himself off with a moan. “I swear to god, you make the most sinful sounds,” Lu Han drags harshly against his ear, teeth scraping as his hips roll up.

“Want to know how to make me make more?” Jongdae tempts and Lu Han pulls back to look at him fully. He’s asking in a look, something Jongdae understands, if this is really what they’re ready for. He tells Jongdae with lust in his eyes and red lips and gripping hands that Jongdae has to tell him that this is truly what he wants. The light from outside has outlined the edges of Lu Han’s face in silver and Jongdae’s mind is hazy, but not for this.

“In the top drawer,” Jongdae tells him, clear. “Are condoms and lube.”

“For convenience,” Lu Han tests, fingers slipping to tease the sensitive cleft of Jongdae’s ass.

“For you, dumbass,” Jongdae tells him and shoves him back into the bed. “I just have to ask one thing,” he continues, hands smoothing down Lu Han’s chest, over the skin and the flexing feel of muscle and the short hastened breaths. Lu Han’s eyes fix on him, swallowing shallow. “Lu Han,” he asks, and looks at him from under his eyelashes. “Have you been tested?”

It takes only a moment, and then Lu Han is laughing, shaking them both as he laughs and shoves Jongdae, eyes bright and happy and love, Jongdae can see it there in them. Jongdae is laughing too, until Lu Han rolls and flips him, Jongdae splayed on his back and his laughter melting into a moan as Lu Han kisses him, hard, and passionate.

“Fine,” Lu Han says, pulling away and still smiling, fingers slipping to slide over Jongdae’s thighs and sending tingles over his skin, shivers through him. “We’re even.”

“I don’t think we’ll ever be even,” Jongdae sighs, as Lu Han reaches to the drawer and pulls out Jongdae’s supplies, letting his eyes close for a brief moment.

Lu Han hums, and Jongdae moves for him as his hand pushes warm at his thigh, letting out his own hum as he feels Lu Han press a kiss beside his naval. “You’re right,” Lu Han says, as the snap of a cap sounds. “I’ll always be the winner.”

Jongdae opens his mouth to retort, and gasps instead, the press of Lu Han’s fingers against him, slick and slightly cool. It’s not unfamiliar, but Lu Han takes his time, working his way into him and holding him, one hand reassuring and stable at his hip as he licks and sucks and bites distractingly up Jongdae’s chest. Jongdae lets his fingers tangle in his hair, run over his warm skin, pulling him up and kissing him so hard their teeth clack as Lu Han stretches him with two fingers scissoring.

The want in his belly curls to a gnawing hunger, hot and demanding as his voice as Lu Han stretches him open and his hand drifts to slide over his cock, matching the rhythm of his fingers until Jongdae is rocking back.

“Fuck, do you even know what you sound like?” Lu Han pants, voice ragged against his ear as his palm slides over the head of Jongdae’s cock and pulls another moan from him. Jongdae just moans louder, tilting so he’s directly into Lu Han’s ear and it cuts high as Lu Han’s fingers curl inside him, running and massaging his prostate over and over in a rhythm that has him shaking. “Fucking hell.”

“Stop complaining,” Jongdae rasps, mind buzzing and still feeling shaky from the rush of pleasure from Lu Han’s fingers digging into his prostate. “Just-“ he lets off into another sharp gasp, back bending up as Lu Han curls his fingers again. “Fuck!” ends in a high whine as his fingers dig deep into Lu Han’s shoulders.

Pulling back and fingers leaving Jongdae feeling hollow and breathless, Lu Han looks at him steady as he Jongdae does his best to pant up at him. Legs spread, prepared and chest heaving for air, Jongdae doesn’t close his eyes as Lu Han positions over him.

It’s not just sex, it’s bickering and snapping and falling together as Lu Han presses Jongdae’s thigh over his shoulder and slides into his body, stretching and full. It’s a haze of pleasure, building and pulsing with racing heartbeats as Lu Han rocks into him, Jongdae following and it’s deep, the press of Lu Han’s cock into him making him gasp that has him almost choking. It’s a ringing in his ears, and shudder through his body as he meets Lu Han’s eyes and it’s not just sex.

This isn’t fucking, and Jongdae feels almost overwhelmed, shaking as he and Lu Han move together, Jongdae pulling him in and Lu Han’s hips rocking faster, their breaths mingling and ragged.

This is sweat tangled limbs and breaths too hot mixing together and eyes burning and back bending pleasuring racing up spines, the communication in sound and the open frantic kisses as hands hold too tight and refuse to let go. Jongdae’s voice cracks as Lu Han shifts and his cock presses into him deep, white flashing behind his eyes and his head falls back.

It’s like a throb through his whole body as he urges Lu Han on in a mix of words and broken syllables and his name. As Lu Han’s hips being to lose their rhythm, Jongdae can barely blink through the cloud that’s settled in him, and the sound of harsh breathing and skin to skin. “I'm so close,” Lu Han gasps and Jongdae agrees with a gasping affirmation.

It only takes a few strokes from Lu Han’s hand to have Jongdae coming, his breath trapped in his throat with a choked grasping guttural moan, spine tensing as the coil in his groin snaps through. Lu Han’s hips snap a few more times, before he’s swearing groaning into the crook of Jongdae’s necks and he rides his own release through.

Lying there, a panting gross mass of limbs and ragged breathing and limbs feeling too heavy with release to do more than hold, Jongdae cracks his eyes and turns to see Lu Han flopped on top of him. He’s heavy, and annoyingly boneless as he breathes heavily into Jongdae’s neck, the feeling of his cock still heavy inside Jongdae, but he smiles anyway.

It takes a moment before Lu Han calms down enough to pull back, shifting his weight off a bit despite how Jongdae is getting use to it, the groan and the stick of their chests together nasty. But Lu Han is smiling too, a dreamy sleepy sort of satisfies smile that comes from contentment and orgasms.

It’s a lethargic movement that has Jongdae lifting his head to kiss him, a soft exhale that has Lu Han leaning down into him, the slow glide of their lips together. It’s completely unrushed, and holding no demands or meanings or expectations.

It’s everything.

This kiss breaks, and Lu Han lets out a soft sigh, eyes closing as he rests his forehead against Jongdae’s. Relaxed and easy and content. “That was nice,” Lu Han says, voice sticky and rough, queuing Jongdae to look up at him.

“You know,” he says, almost wincing at his own gruff voice. “You really know how to make a guy feel special sometimes.”

And Lu Han laughs, not too loud but just a soft happy pleasant sound wracking from his as his countenance breaks and he falls back into him. Jongdae laughs too, and it’s all good.

It’s all fine. It’s comfortable and happy and Jongdae is laughing. He doesn’t stop, lips still turned up as Lu Han drags him to a shower and kisses the corner, and he laughs again tiredly as he shoves Lu Han into bed and climbs half on top of him.

The moonlight plays across the skin of both of their wrists close together as Lu Han curls around him, chest to Jongdae’s back and breathing softly brushing his hair. Both wrists, bare and belonging to each other and Jongdae thinks of all the time spent worrying and the messes made.

As he drifts into sleep, he feels a lingering voice saying that in the end, here when it’s over, it was all worth it.

Lu Han is worth it.  


๑

  
Baekhyun won’t stop pacing. It should make Jongdae concerned, worried about his friend or sympathetic because he hasn’t seen Baekhyun sweat like this in a very long time.

As it is, Jongdae is trying very hard not to laugh at him.

“Seriously,” Jongdae tells him, and Baekhyun looks at him like an agitated street rat. Jongdae continues. “You’re going to be fine. Stop worrying so much.”

“You don’t understand,” Baekhyun snaps and even Kyungsoo looks exasperated now. Kyungsoo has been almost eerily tolerant all day, quiet and accepting and _nice_ , abnormally _nice_ to Baekhyun about this whole thing. Patient with him as Baekhyun snaps about flowers and goes between nervous excitement and outright panic attacks.

Baekhyun is the least likely person to ever go into a proper anxiety attack among anyone they know, so this morning has been what is relatively known as an ‘experience’ for all of them. Baekhyun most of all.

“What do we not understand, exactly?” Kyungsoo asks, his voice kind but beginning to get a bit tight. “The fact that you’re getting married today or that you’re getting to Zitao or that you are at a high risk of dropping something on yourself just because you’re wearing white?”

“If it stains, I’m going to _die_ ,” Baekhyun moans, going back to the mirror and attempting to find something wrong with his hair. “Then who will Zitao marry?”

“Your tombstone,” Kyungsoo deadpans and Jongdae tries very hard not to snort loudly and unattractively. “You’re not going to die.”

“Yes, I will,” Baekhyun says, turning to Kyungsoo and his hair is still, amazingly, perfect. He looks fantastic, honestly, he just also looks like a nervous wreck. “I’m marrying Zitao. My future husband does wushu and if I show up at the altar with stuff on my suit he’ll murder me because today is important.”

“I think you’re more important to him than the wedding itself,” Jongdae tells Baekhyun, placing a hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder carefully, in case he turns around and bites him. Instead, Baekhyun relaxes a bit, letting out a shuddering breath and some of the tension eases. “Zitao is getting married to you, because he wants to. He wouldn’t have a wedding if he didn’t have you.”

“Thanks, Jongdae,” Baekhyun says, and a note of his voice drawls as he turns to him. “I’m glad you took the pressure off me.”

“Just don’t eat something and mess yourself up,” Kyungsoo says, offering a tight smile. He and Jongdae are both in black suits, picked out months ago when Baekhyun and Zitao had taken them to get them fit. Zitao and Baekhyun are wearing white suits together, and no one else is allowed to.

They had even written it into the invitations.

“I don’t think I could eat if I tried,” Baekhyun says, letting out another shaking breath before he sucks another in through his teeth. “I feel like I have an angry cat instead of stomach.”

“Well, that’s one problem solved then,” Jongdae offers, putting as much pep into his voice as possible. “No worries there then.” He pats Baekhyun a few times on the back, before smoothing his hand down. “Zitao loves you,” he adds, and Kyungsoo’s expression softens across from them. “Why else would he agree to spend the rest of his life with you.”

“I know,” Baekhyun says, and opens his eyes to look into space, a soft smile tugging at his lips. “I know.”

“This is just your day to go and be happy with him, both of you, making all of us look bad because we can’t measure up,” Jongdae continues. Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow at him and Jongdae shakes his head a bit. Baekhyun laughs, turning to him and finally wearing a full smile, the one where his mouth is square and his eyes light and dancing.

“I’ll remember how you insulted yourself to cheer me up when you get married,” Baekhyun says, still laughing a bit as the tension eases away a bit more.

“Well, then maybe we’ll be able to measure up by then,” Jongdae says with a shrug. “For today, I’m very sure if any of us looked better than your future husband, he’d ensure that didn’t last.”

Baekhyun laughs at that, full and loud and Jongdae smiles at him. He’s happy for him, genuinely fully happy for him, both he and Zitao. It’s a little surreal how they had known, almost for as long as Jongdae can remember, that some day Baekhyun and Zitao would end up here.

It’s just a little strange to actually be here, and a part of Jongdae is far more sentimental than he’d like to admit. Seeing his best friend married when he’d practically considered him as such for years. It’s a long time coming, and Jongdae feels a little stupid with how happy he is for him.

Despite his dramatics.

The ceremony itself ends up being simple, mostly just a formal final union between them. Baekhyun and Zitao come in both from the back of the all after their wedding party, small group of guests watching. Soojung in the audience is sniffing adamantly and Zitao’s parents are crying. Jongdae stands with Kyungsoo and can’t stop smiling as he watches them.

He’s never seen Baekhyun or Zitao look happier or more radiant than when they finally meet gazes from across the hall and come together. He nudges Kyungsoo who looks a bit too stiff and notices the mistier quality in his eyes and understands.

Over clasped hands, the newlyweds kiss, and because it’s them they don’t stop with it being just a simple kiss. Nerves breaking and excitement thrumming Baekhyun has Zitao’s face in his hands and is kissing him hard, Zitao’s smile evident to everyone.

They break, flushed and turn to everyone and Jongdae can’t stop smiling.

“You look like an idiot,” Amber tells him as they file out of the small wedding hall, punching him in the shoulder.

“I told them that I should have had a floppy bowtie instead of the small one,” Jongdae sighs at her. “I know it makes me look far too much like a waiter.”

Amber laughs and it rings with everything from the day, the smiles and the buzzing in the air of happy people and excitement and celebration. Baekhyun and Zitao are already laughing together, teasing just as usual and looking stunning as they speak to their guests.

Jongdae stays with them until they finally move away in the reception, laughing stupid until Baekhyun shoves cake into Zitao’s face and earns an easily anticipated shriek. Baekhyun is still laughing himself silly when Zitao shoves cake into him and smears it into his ear.

“I vote,” speaks a voice into Jongdae’s ear, close and warm and familiar as arms slip easily around his waist. “That we should kick this up a level and encourage everyone into throwing food. Follow their lead.”

“See, this just goes to show that you’re not here as one of the guests,” Jongdae says with a hint of exhaustion in his voice, leaning back against a firm warm chest and breathing in. “If you were, you’d know Zitao would murder you for the thought.” He smiles. “Otherwise I’d have done it in a heart beat.”

He can feel Lu Han laughs as it vibrates through his chest, tickling against his cheek. “Of course you would have,” Lu Han says, low and easy.

Jongdae hums, settling back for a moment longer, resting his head against Lu Han’s shoulder before pulling away and taking him in. “You look nice,” he comments, checking Lu Han’s attire. “Special occasion?”

“Wedding,” Lu Han says, shrugging. “You know, my boyfriend invited me as his guest. Figured I should look nice.”

Jongdae nods, and then stills. “Is that-“ he begins and then laughs, shaking his head as Lu Han’s smile nods. “You shit.”

“Well, not all of us have nice suits in their closets for weddings.”

“You didn’t have to wear the same thing as you do for interviews,” Jongdae laughs, realizing Lu Han is in the _exact_ same attire that he’d worn when they’d met.

“But I look nice,” Lu Han pushes, swinging his arm a bit and nudging Jongdae’s elbow with his. “And you look nice,” Lu Han adds, and his smile widens. “And no one has to know I only own one suit. Like a normal person.”

“You’re hardly a normal person,” Jongdae chuckles and leans into Lu Han as he steps closer.

“Neither are you,” Lu Han counters, raising his eyebrows.

“Good,” Jongdae says, smiling at him. He’s happy. Happy for his best friends, for their wedding and happy in a place in his life and happy with who he is. “I don’t want anything else.” Happy with the man he loves.

“That makes two of us,” Lu Han says, Jongdae doesn’t think he’ll stop smiling as Lu Han presses a soft kiss to his temple.

Ever since Jongdae was young, the soft faint line around his wrist had intrigued him, called his attention as time passed around him and people came together and he kept waiting. Things he planned and ideas he had crumbled between his fingers and even with knowing that it’s not always going to be easy, that a happily ever after isn’t perfect, he realizes he likes it better.  


๑ end ๑

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to give a huge sincere thank you to my amazing support team, without whom I could not have really done this story justice. Thank you first to the prompter of this story, without whom it would not exist. Thank you for the idea and for sharing it. A _huge_ thank you to my most amazing beta Frances, without whom I would not have been able to get this story complete.


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